I gathered up my courage...

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Nov 14, 2004 12:10 am

I was facilitating the TG support group Friday night, and then had dinner with 3 other T-girls at the restaurant across the street. We all part ways, but I'm still "dressed up and ready to go." I don't want to pack it in, just yet.

A lot of times I stop at the Claremont, the big resort hotel up on the hill on my way home. But it's too late for the lounge pianist there now. So I go through the Grand Lake district this time. I'm headed for the Alley, a piano bar.

It's crowded, and I can't even get near the piano. It doesn't feel good to me, either. I walk out, and I know that down the street's a bar called Smitty's. I never cared much for it as a guy, and probably haven't been there in ten years.

I notice that I really DON'T want to go there. I've been in at least two regular bars in Oakland, and nothing happened, but the thought of this one has me spooked, somehow. I'm considering calling it a night, a little disappointed, but not going to take chances, either.

Then I get an intuition that I need to do this--that this fear is not about safety concerns, it's more about getting outside my comfort zone.

I didn't want to walk the half block, though. I felt self-conscious, so I parked my van right in front of Smitty's. Sat there a minute, got my breath, and went in.

I was nicely dressed, but a little on the flashy side with silver 2" heels. Had on a pink silk long-sleeved shirt, open, and a purple slight v-neck blouse. The skirt was just below the knees; a nice floral print on it. I had my real hair combed down over my shoulders.

There were men and women, black and white and Asian. The place was crowded--not a stool open. There was a cramped pool table and a shuffleboard, so every bit of floor space was taken up with the games. No one smirked or whispered that I saw, but they were definitely watching as I walked to the center of the bar to order. I got my drink, and then I wondered where to stand.

I've got an umbrella, a purse, and this drink, and I'm a tall woman standing there sipping away. Every bit of floor space is in somebody's way. I REALLY had to remember to stand tall. I felt I looked nice, but it wasn't doing me any good at the moment. They weren't buying the act right away, and I wasn't going to let them know that I was feeling foolish.

Right then an attractive black woman at the bar turned around and asked me how the night was going, and we traded some info on bars in the area. Then she introduced me to her friend Holly, who was also attractive. Talking to them made me feel at ease almost instantly, as I could crowd in with them at the bar. Even when they went back to their conversation, I'd broken the ice.

I finished the first drink, and it was decision time. Point was made; I'd come in. I didn't have to prove anything more to myself. But just then a stool opened up, and I sat down and ordered a second drink.

The owner was an Asian woman in her 60s--she was friendly. The guy bartender warmed up as the night went on; I could see he wasn't sure how he was supposed to treat me. Holly kept popping up beside me--she was getting drunk, was mumbling, and it was hard to understand her. I liked her around, though, and I liked looking at our reflections in the mirror. She was blonde, while my hair looked brown in that light. (hide that gray!)

I started in on coffee for a third drink. A group of four rowdy guys stood behind me, and one saw the coffee. "Oh, I was going to buy you a drink, but you're set." I don't know where he was coming from on that one. It wasn't like I was passing, but he seemed sincere. In my experience, guys will usually ignore us if they're with friends. If it's one on one, they'll talk and ask questions. But his friends were right there; gutsy guy.

They went on talking and laughing, and I felt like they were showing off a little. Some of it was pretty funny, and I'd turn around and smile. Maybe it was the drinks, but I felt pretty, and after awhile everyone forgot I was there--I was just another girl at the bar.

I said thank-you to the bartender and left. I doubt I'll go back there; it seemed like the kind of bar where having a T-girl come in bothers them more than it intrigues them, and there's other Oakland bars besides that one. I did feel good that I pushed myself a little, and I do feel like a missionary. Gotta change the world, one bar at a time.

PaulaK · Post by **PaulaK** » Sun Nov 14, 2004 6:37 am

But I did feel good that I pushed myself a little, and I do feel like a missionary. Gotta change the world, one bar at a time.

GOOD FOR YOU, SIS!

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:04 pm

Anita, Way to go , Honey! Sounds like you made a nice impression and that is important! We need lots of ambassadors and your sojourn into the bar definitely qualifies as an ambassadorialy forray! Great!
LOve,
Virginia

Nick · Post by **Nick** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:55 pm

I've got one more outing that I have the chance to make before I leave. I can only hope that it endsup as good as yours was.

I'm glad that you had a good time, and that you were able to push past your comfort zone. You've given me a large amount of inspiration. I SOOO wish that I could go out more often than I get the chance to...

...stupid army...

Kristen · Post by **Kristen** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 8:26 am

Anita, What a wonderful time you had. Pushing yourself a bit and having it come up great. Must have been a hoot, I am in awe of you courage, way to go Anita. Kristen

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 5:41 pm

Thanks Paula, Virginia, Celes, and Kristen, I'm glad you got a lift out of the post. When I'm out performing as a woman, I don't mind new places, or hostile people, because it's just part of being an act. I've got my bandmates along, too. Maybe I'll win the crowd over when we start playing.

It's much harder to be "just another customer" who also HAPPENS to be dressed as a woman! People are scared of us, I've found, because we're the unknown. They've never met a CD in public before. When they see that we're ordinary people, they relax some.

And some bar owners think we're all out trolling for sex. Certainly some of us do, so it isn't total fiction, but we all get tarred with that brush. It's going to take some time to change these perceptions, and it just takes more and more people meeting one of us.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 6:42 pm

Anita,

Being out and about dressed all the time myself I have a special appreciation for the courage it takes to go to such a place, especially by yourself. I am not that brave yet. Drunk men scare me when I was in boy mode playing bars, and alone "en femme" I feel very vulnerable.

I know that I will eventually have to cross this bridge, but for now, that would really scare me. I do go out at night, to the store, or to the gas station to get ice or to go and pick up my kids at friends houses, but I have not been to a bar while dressed, and I am not so sure I will. I rarely drink now, and I don't play in a band anymore, so there is really no reason for me to be in a bar. Still, I admire your courage and your willingness to share your experience with all of us. It was very uplifting to read your story, and you are a very good story teller.

You go girl.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:16 pm

Thanks Elizabeth, I appreciate those comments. I have not yet started playing bars as Anita, but I look forward to it. I got really tired of the arrogance and toughness that I was expected to project as a male guitarist. I downplayed this more and more as I got older, but there seemed to be a limit to how open I could be with people.

Being out there as a woman guitarist is so much easier, because I've already laid down my weapons, so to speak. My appearance is automatically saying, "I'm not here to compete with you, or try to put you down."

I figure that guys in the rock bars will be suspicious at first, because they're used to other men always have an agenda of some sort. After all, as a man I HAVE always been in competition with other men--I realized it was an ocean that I swam in without thinking about it. I was a fish that never knew any other way of being.

You've been in business, E, so you probably know how to be straight-forward yet pleasant with people. It really serves you well to have that background, because I find that I have to "sell" myself as a woman at times. My business background really helps.

I can see why you would not necessarily hang out in bars anymore. They are pretty boring if you're not drinking, or not playing music.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:00 pm

Anita,

Yes, what you say is true, although I had never really considered it. In business you have to learn to be nice to jerks, because they may want to spend a lot of money with you or they work for your client and you are required to work with them. I guess it is the art of diplomacy.

I also took courses on managing people. Like the right way and the wrong way to fire someone. So they don't come back with a gun and shoot up the offiice. I am not sure about other businesses, but in construction drinking is such an intergral part of the workforce, you can not discount it. I have had to send people home because they were too hungover, or even drunk to work safely. Tired, hungover people get angry very easy, particularly if they have a drinking problem and may be angry anyway.

I am very mindful of the fact that once people start drinking they truely do lose thier capacity to think rationally, so words are not always enough. It is for this reason that I fear places where men are drinking, and in competition for females. What I might gain from the experience does not outweigh my fears yet.

Still, I can not help but admire your courage and resolve to go to that bar, because you were confronting one of your personal demons. And it would appear that you conquered it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Nick · Post by **Nick** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 7:01 pm

I still can't wait to get home for thanksgiving to go out. I have no problem with going out myself, its just confronting people about it that I'm worried about (people that I know, I mean).

During my pass, I am going to tell quite a few people in my church, most of whom think that I'm just another normal guy. I would like to tell them all at once, so that I can get it off my chest, and come back and be able to actually go to church, MY church, the one that I've gone to for three years, en femme. That is the only place that I am truly afraid to go while dressed. One day, I will... just not now...

I'm proud of you for stepping outside of the box. I will do the same when the time is right!

- Celes

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Nov 21, 2004 11:51 am

Hi Anita,

That really was a great story.

Thanks for sharing it with us and congrats on going out and having fun.

I just thought about something. Did you ever have to visit the restroom?

Beauty

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Nov 21, 2004 2:30 pm

Celes, I'm a little confused when reading your post. You say:

"...MY church, the one I've gone to for three years, en femme."

So you've gone to church, dressed, but?

"That is the only place I am truly afraid to go while dressed."

The overall post sounds more like you HAVEN'T gone to church dressed, so I'm going to assume that's the case. I was also wondering where you were going to go out while stationed overseas--now I see you've got a pass, so I understand that part, at least.

In an ideal world, your church should be the place where you would be accepted as just who you are, but this is not such a world. Telling people about yourself can be effective, though. There are a lot of people who I tell about Anita, and they're OK with that. They just don't want to meet her. I can live with that, at the moment.

Beauty, I just tell my bladder, "Don't even THINK about going to the restroom, you hear?"

Seriously, it's always a judgment call. At that bar, I would probably have gone to the men's room. Little bars like that don't have big restrooms, so I would have been the only one in there--no problem.

At the resort hotel, though, I went into the women's restroom once, and that was a little shakier for me. But when I'm at the Claremont, I feel like people are more inclined to go along with the script that I'm a woman, and so I need to stay in character more. This may not be true at all, but that's how it feels to me when I'm there.

It's sort of like this: they're more into public relations at the resort. So the customer is always right; if the customer presents as a woman, well, then, the customer IS a woman.

But at a more rough-and-tumble bar like Smitty's, it's up for grabs. Is she or isn't she a woman? Depends on lots of factors, and changes from moment to moment. No one was rude to me, or called me "sir", or any of that, but I'm not going to push the envelope too far. A real balancing act, sometimes!

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Nov 21, 2004 2:51 pm

Anita,

to clear up what Celes said wrote:I would like to tell them all at once, so that I can get it off my chest, and come back and be able to actually go to church, MY church, the one that I've gone to for three years, en femme.

Rewritten it is: I would like to tell them all at once, so that I can get it off my chest, and come back and be able to actually go to church en femme, MY church, the one that I've gone to for three years.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Nov 21, 2004 3:03 pm

Thank you, Donna. It seems perfectly clear now, even in the original. Not sure what was throwing me off the track before.

Nick · Post by **Nick** » Sun Nov 21, 2004 7:39 pm

I've been doing a bit of reading on disclosure lately, and I read that it is best to warn people before you just come right out and tell them, so over the psst couple of days, I've called people from my church that I am close to telling them that I am coming home with some news... I'm hoping that all goes well.

Who knows, maybe it'll happen this Sunday while I'm on pass (in my craziest nightmare that is...)!