Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi all,

Tonight was my third night out dressed--again to my men's support group meeting. One guy whom I hadn't seen in over a year walked in and looked at me as if he'd seen a ghost. I was surprised I didn't get flustered even though I felt like that a bit. I explained to him quickly that this was a part of me that I'd just accepted while he'd been away, and he was cool with it, as he told me later. I was a little self-conscious about being too tall and didn't wear my high heels in, but that was ok.

When it was my turn to speak, I talked about how the grief over keeping Laura hidden for so many year and not being loved for who I was, was just below the surface. I was surprised I didn't cry. But, then one guy asked me if I wanted them to refer to me as "Laura." I made a joke about how in an all-male group I'd have to be treated as a special guest. But, other guys were serious about making me feel accepted, and one told me not to cover up my anxiety: Did I want to be called "Laura"? I tried to say something like "yes," but all that came out was "I feel like I'm going to cry." And then I did. When I said that, my voice felt like it had gone up two or three octives. I felt like I was fully Laura from that point on, really and totally Laura. It was also a special moment because it let loose a lot of tender feelings from guys that they don't usually express. For the rest of the night I just felt so natural and relaxed and LOVED.

One time, when I missed calling on a guy and he reminded me, I said I was sorry and reached over and touched him on the arm at the same time. It was all unconscious and spontaneous, and immediately afterward I thought of Anita's thread "As a woman I can touch people." Wow! I was really happy with myself for doing that. Later, four guys made a point of telling me how supportive they were--three of the four were either gay or bi-sexual. The guy that was gay talked for the first time about his lovers (he always had told us he was gay but never spoke about his gay experiences)

The whole night was just a genuinely, deeply human experience. I felt like there was true acceptance from all of us for each other--that we could just be who we are when we like it and not have to worry about being correct. Wouldn't it be something if the rest of the world could be like that, at least sometimes. My wife has totally shut her face against anything relating to Laura. So, this is where I can get some real human contact and where I can feel like the t-girl I am without any hesitancy or looking over my shoulder. Somehow, dressing at home while alone, doesn't mean that much to me, so I'm really grateful for this outlet--helping me stay sane. And this was a special night.


Wishing all of you the best, love,

Laura

Hi Laura,
Wow! What a night!

It's awesome how your openess took them to new levels of openess. The applause Julie gave you is right on the money. Congrats!! You're right, completely open interperonsal communication is not replaceable. What you're doing right now is very healthy!

I hope you and your wife make it through this brief period of akwardness.

One parting question. You referenced feeling like a woman or being a woman. Are you thinking of transitioning?

Beauty

Great job Laura!

Anne

Hi Julie, Beauty, and Anne,

I appreciate the encouragement. Julie and Beauty: It does feel like a process of coming into who I am. No, I'm not thinking of transitioning. It's a fantasy but nothing serious. It seems like I can have a lot of what I need switching back and forth. I'm comfortable being a man and feel like I can synthesize a lof of Laura into the rest of me. At least that's my plan. A cd friend of mine (not part of this forum) told me something that may apply to me and I find intriguing. He calls himself bi-gendered but says that if he was forced to choose, he would live as a woman, mainly because there are so many exciting things to explore in that path, having already spent the first five decades of his life exploring life as a man. That's an interesting thought to me, but still largely academic.

Love,

Laura :idea:

Yayy Laura!

Bi-gendered? Hmmm?

I actually like that.

Beauty

Hi Laura,

Such wonderful stories of your adventures getting out. I am jealous. I really wish I had the nerve to do the same. Maybe some day.

Hi Laura--
I do get a strong sense that your openess does create an atmosphere that lets the others go futher, too. We touched on that in another post, but I feel that pretty strongly on this one. For that matter, I use it for myself. When I face a tough challenge now, I think, "If I can be Anita in public, how much tougher is _________?" It puts things into perspective.

It sounds like you have a great group there.
Anita

That was incredably brave Laura. Kinda makes you my hero if that's alright.

I went out for a drive just before Christmas all dressed up. It was fun but I didn't get out of my car.

In February I wore my mini skirt and tights under my snow coveralls (I work outside). I did it for about 3 weeks and I really enjoyed going to work even more than I regularly do.

Laura,

What a beautiful story. I am taken by emotions right now. Tears are
down my cheeks. Acceptance means so much to me too. I am sorry
about your wifes reluctance. I'll hope for you that gets better also.

I went to my nail salon the third time yesterday. I have been working
too many hours. I needed to get them done to feel acceptance and have
pretty toes again. I called for an appointment Sat afternoon. I was
nervous, knowing it would probably be full and it was. I was male but
wore my first pair of white cordurory girl bellbottoms. There is glass
lining the walls. There were woman of all ages. They would look to me
and smile and I did my best to smile back.

The same girl did my pedicure and helped me pick another color
(OPI Bogota Blackberry). A mother had a daughter and a 7 or 8
year old son. The son pulled up a stool and facinated watched the
girl do my pedicure massage and nail polish. My legs were freshly
shaved and pants were rolled up to my knees. I was real uncomfortable
thinking it could be a bad experience for such a young boy. I wished
I had waited and tried to go in a less busy time.

The boy never said one word. I was afraid to speak. The Mother turned
and asked her son if he was ok. He knodded. She turned to me and
said across the way, My son isn't bothering you is he, and then she smiled.
I said no and complemented her on her well behaved son. I was almost
in shock that she was so kind. I am being amazed dayly how nice people
can be. I hope she talks to her son later.

At the drying station were two late teen girl friends. One beside me said
that she loved the color. We all three had a nice conversation with no
hints of repulsion or ridicule. My heart was dancing, I think like your
heart was. I'm still aglow today!

I am finding acceptance from all ages of woman. Men still scare the heck
out of me. I would love so much to find the opportunity to have an
experience such as yours. It may take me years. You are an
inspiration to me, and most important, I am so so happy for the freedom
you are feeling to be your true self. Nothing could be nicer, enjoy!

Caring to you,
Kersten

Alright Girls!!

Way to go, Kersten!
Way to go, Laura!

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. You are an inspiration to all who coming out. (any level)

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. (because some of us are following in your footsteps)
Hugs,
Kyra

Hi Josey, Anita, Charlene, Kersten, and Kyra (and others listening in),

Your responses touch me so deeply. (I guess you've all figured out that I shed more tears these days) Believe me, you inspire me too when you respond like you have and when you tell your stories. We're all in the same boat, and when any of us takes some chances in our lives and shares, the boat moves forward. I would encourage all of you--just as I try to encourage myself almost every day--to seek some human contact for your femme self. It's not easy, but it is essential for growth and for sanity. I keep on reminding myself that if I succumb to the pressures of work and family and keep myself hidden, then I am hiding a part of myself that can be a gift for others as well as myself. My men's group and this forum are proof of that for me.

Kersten, I loved your story of a pedicure. That will stay with me and encourage me to do the same real soon (I promise!). Charlene, I can picture myself wearing a miniskirt and tights under overalls. Feels Wonderful! And Anita, you're ahead of us all. Please tell us more about your life.

Love and kisses to all,

Laura