Help and advice please what am I?

Danielle La Belle · Post by **Danielle La Belle** » Sun Apr 12, 2009 1:01 pm

Hi Sophie:

I decided to step out onto a limb in this thread.

First and foremost, we all try to be right and put forth our best foot in most situations. After all, being right about something, at some level, is a human trait. We feel better when we share an idea that we are “right” about. We feel uncomfortable when we talk about ideas that we are not sure of and at times, persist with the idea that even then, we are right.

There are those that find it easy to dress in the clothes of the opposite sex. To go out on the town as it were with friends. To appear in public on a regular basis as this “other” person. They have managed to overcome the “taboo” concept of doing so. Something that we learn at a very early age to avoid doing. We all try in earnest to fit in most of the time. No one likes to be the “odd” person in a crowd.

Yes, there are those that are attracted to that idea. We see this in parades of a sort where the public are exposed to such charades and antics by others seeking to “shock and awe” those around them at the time.

People that commit suicide are people that for whatever reason, have found a means around the “taboo” of such an action. We often claim that they are mentally unbalanced or unstable when we compare their actions to the majority. After all, we place people on a ruler and then decided where they fall on that line. The majority huddled in the middle range, the minority in either extreme can be found at the edges of the ruler.

Those at the farthest edges of the social ruler typically exhibit extremely different behavior than those in the middle group that we refer to as normal. Normal seems to be defined as the majority. Those that follow the code of social behavior for the community in which they live. What might be normal for someone in Central India, may not be for someone in the Mid-West USA.

Psychologists try to find the happy medium for the culture that they work in. The same goes for psychiatrists with the exception that they seek to diagnose individuals on a singular basis in comparison to known behaviors. These behaviors are by far and large, similar around the globe. So, when we find someone that exhibits suicidal behavior, it is not that unusual to find it similar in other cultures.

Because of this human similarity, we come to the conclusion that there is something out of order in the neurological state of that individual. Having spent years in the study of neurology and human biological development, I find that this state of mind is still considered extremely complicated, but treatable.

We now know that not only DNA contributes to our identity, (95% is thought to be just filler DNA), while (5% is primary instructional DNA), we also now know that the 95% filler has a greater impact than at first thought in steering our development over a lifetime. Losing a loved one to a failing of the mind can be devastating but when we begin to understand the complexities and numerous variables that make up a human being as we know them to be, well, it can then be understood when something seems to go wrong.

My sister-in-law has been living with me since late March 2008. She came to me when she was at her wits end. Being consumed with grief over years of physical abuse, consoling herself with liters of Vodka (she reached .526 more than one time) should have gone into a coma and or died. Having sought all the things that she wanted to have less children, she suddenly over a short time period lost everything.

As she now tells me after living and working with her daily, she wanted to die. She just wanted it over with and Vodka was a way out. With patience and concern, I have been fortunate to guide her back from the social hell she was in. We are still waxing and waning over other issues, but, she admits, she is not feeling suicidal any more. With far less alcohol, continuing on a regimen of exercise to correct for the much needed back surgery in June 2008, she is slowly coming back to the person I once knew.

Had her state been any worse, I was preparing to find legal alternatives to having her go into a hospital for mental health issues. We are not out of the woods yet, but, we both can agree, she is better today than she was at the beginning. She still self-medicates her mind on a much reduced scale with Vodka. But, now, it is at home with myself and spouse and it is greatly reduced from the past.

What made this work was in my opinion, her own self desire to get through the problems. I take no credit here for being right or wrong. Each day was an experimental process for me with her. Many days were very frustrating. But, I always told myself, I do not have to be right here, just supportive but not contribute to the problems as she saw them.

We all want to be right, Sophie. We all want to feel we made a contribution when it comes to life. Your contribution will come from any level of participation you can see clear to provide for the spouse. Mental states are chemical by nature. We try to correct them with drugs that are designed to address these states. We try to balance things out so the patient can reclaim their good mental health.

Try we must. Success is a matter of interpretation depending on many variables. You can be successful and still lose a loved one. I think that it will be up to you to make peace with that idea.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

Peace be with You!

Sophie-W · Post by **Sophie-W** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:23 am

We are both receiving professional help. My wife was prescribed the multi vitamins to counteract the damage her excessive drinking was causing, she is also on quite an intense regime of anti depressants. She has finally realised that she does, in fact, need help after months of denial and she is already under the psychologist . But it seems I've been heading down the wrong route and have just found out that there is a team that specialises in Trans issues. I'm now waiting for an appointment with their psychiatrist and psychologist then back to the endo. The appointment I have already had with a psychiatrist doesn't count and the appointments with the psychologist and urologist are now null and void. It's taken some time but I think I'm now on the right path to get some "proper" help.
Although you say I'm not responsible for my wife's happiness, and I agree that what you say makes sense, I would qualify that a little. I'm not Solely responsible, in my opinion. But since we married and are a team, I share the responsibility for her happiness as she does for mine. This as been a complete shock to her,I feel that if I had approached my situation differently, instead of blurting out that I wanted to be a girl, my wife's health would not of suffered. She as always said that she married me for life, we make a fantastic team. We have been together 13 years, and she had no idea at all about my CD and how I felt. After all she married a man. I do feel that her depression and suicide attempt is down to me, as she has never done anything like that before. I accept that there is only so far you can go with this and there is a point where you have to put your hands up and say "sorry, I can't do any more" But if I had been honest at the start of our relationship, she could have walked off, but I didn't have the guts to say anything
I've also been thinking about the social outcast thing and, particularly, it being only in your own mind. That rings very true. It seems that I'm the only person who doesn't like me. People often say how nice a person I am. I take that with a pinch of salt because I don't believe it in my heart. I suffer from low self esteem , and was diagnosed about 20 years ago with body Dysphoria However, I've just spent 10 days en femme and during that time I was happy, relaxed, content and, above all, I actually LIKED MYSELF. It was quite a revelation because up till now, I've only gone out en femme for the odd day and it felt very much like going in fancy dress. When I actually LIVED as female it felt so very different; it felt "right". It's had a profound effect on me too. I am so much more relaxed now, despite reverting back to male mode. I think it clarified and confirmed my thoughts. The only thing is now I have to wait once again. A few months ago, that would have killed me but now, after the soul searching I've done, the discussions with my wife, and the things I've experienced, I have a much clearer view of the future now and am more able to sit back and allow things to take their course.
Thank you so much for your concern to everybody here, it has meant such a lot and helped both me and my wife tremendously.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:14 pm

Sophie every time you post about your wife something else is revealed about her problems.

Drinking too much while on antidepressants is self defeating at best and at worst deadly.

Excessive drinking over long periods of time leads to a variety of problems, a few of which can be helped with vitamins, both because the alcohol attacks the body and because with all those calories from the booze most excessive drinkers are mal nourished. This is what causes a "wet brain" for example. However if the drinking continues the doctor prescribing the anti depressants must be informed of this, and may wish to stop the antidepressants. Moreover the vitamins (and just about anything else) will be useless.

As for resposibility, I sort of agree with you. You are responsible for your words and actions. How your wife reacts to them is her responsibility, but if you know something will hurt her and you do it you are responsible for the way you acted on that knowledge.

Hang in there.

Absaroka

Sophie-W · Post by **Sophie-W** » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:17 am

My wife goes back to the UK each year. Yesterday she asked me if I would still go out. I told her that I would go out on Friday and Saturday night to the bars that we go to. She was really surprised at this. I have never gone into a bar on my own before. But now it just feels right. She told me that she would be worrying over this.
My wife has cut down on her drinking drastically. She seems to be coming back to her normal self. When I first told her, she had no interest in any thing. Last week she went out and started pulling the weeds in front of the house. Today she is working on a dress that she is making. She saw the psychologist last week, she told me that when she was talking to him, she started crying. She is not sleeping very well, she has always slept for about 9-10 hours. The other night, she went to bed at midnight and was up at 3-30. She is waiting for an appointment with the psychiatrist to review her sleeping pills. The psychologist can't do this.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 7:02 am

Make sure she tells the psychiatrist how much she drinks. Drinking to the point where you need vitamin therapy to counter act the damage is pretty singnifigant, and drinking with sleeping pills can be fatal.

I hope she has a nice trip to England.

Absaroka

Sophie-W · Post by **Sophie-W** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 am

My wife has cut down on her drinking, in fact she now drinks very little. While we were on holiday she laughed and smiled a few times. She has not done that since I told her about me. She even sang at the karaoke. Each day I see an improvement in her. She still has days when she feels down, but this is be coming less.

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:43 pm

Good to hear Sophie.

Post by **KimberlyS** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:04 pm

Thanks for the update Sophie. I hope she continues to improve.

kim

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri May 01, 2009 7:49 am

I hope her outlook continues to improve. Hang in there.

Absaroka

Sophie-W · Post by **Sophie-W** » Mon May 04, 2009 7:14 pm

At last things are starting to happen this month. Tomorrow I am seeing a psychiatrist who deals with gender. Also this month I have an appointment with the endo, and blood tests, I will also be seeing the urologist. I know it will be months down the line before treatment starts. My wife has told me that she is scared and worried as to the effects this will have on me. We went out on Saturday night, and got talking to some people. Nothing odd happened, but I asked my wife if she thought I had been read. She told me no. I think the couple thought that we might have been in a lesbian relationship, has they never mentioned anything about our partners. My wife told me not to be silly, as we never mentioned anything about there partners. This week my wife has been showing me how to dance, I seem to loose the tempo. She said that I did well, and said that she would video me. so I could watch it back.

Sophie-W · Post by **Sophie-W** » Tue May 05, 2009 12:24 pm

Today I went to see the psychiatrist, I took some photos of me dressed when we were on holiday. My wife said why are you taking them. I told her because I couldn't dress in fem mode. When we got to the hospital, the psychiatrist told her to wait outside. she said that she would go and wait at the maim door , so she could have a cig. The psychiatrist said that he would call her in later and to wait. He took some history , and explained about the hormones, and T blockers.
I went to get my wife, I knew that she had been crying. The psychiatrist was reading what I had wrote, then what my wife had wrote. I told her that he wanted to know what she felt about all of this. I told her that I had told him what she felt. My wife was crying and said that I didn't know how she felt. She said that it was sick, pathetic, play acting, and that on a Saturday night in the car she was sick of me repeating over and over, trying to get my voice right. The psychiatrist noticed that she was crying. He started talking to her, but it was all in Spanish, so she didn't understand any of it. He told me that it was to soon for my wife, to see the changes that hormones do and T blockers. My wife asked me if I had asked for Viagra, as I have a low sex drive. I told her no, has he said that some people can preform. My wife told me when we came out, that everything she has done this past 13years was for me, out of love, and she was on the back burner. She said that we are not making love. I was quite shocked at what she said, but it is right. She said that since Saturday, she had been feeling really down, but put a mask on for me. My next appointment is in 6 weeks time.

Post by **KimberlyS** » Tue May 05, 2009 9:21 pm

It sounds like it went well for the first time. Looks like you got a better view of how your wife is feeling. Sounds like you should spend some time with your wife doing what she wants to do. Take her out on a date and do something with her for her.

kim

Sophie-W · Post by **Sophie-W** » Thu May 07, 2009 8:47 am

The day that I went to see the psychiatrist. I was annoyed that I have to wait 6 weeks, and by what my wife said. That night we were going out. When I got back from work, my wife was ready. After I had eaten, she asked if I was going to get changed, I told her no. She said ,so your going out looking scruffy, at least I have my pride. We drove in silence, and got to the bar. I never spoke, my wife said , the trouble with you is truth hurts, start living in the real world. I told her to stop having a go at me. She told me that I can't blame her for what happened today, and perhaps when the psychiatrist saw what she had wrote, he decided to see me in 6 weeks time. She said that if I had got a prescription on the first visit, he should be struck off. I still sat in silence. My wife started crying, told me to pay as we were going home, we had only been out 30mins. When we got back she said that she needed to go to hospital, she packed some over night things and off we went. She went in to see the psychiatrist on her own. She told them that she had suicidal thoughts, and was thinking of ways to hurt herself. I was then called in, we spoke in Spanish. The psychiatrist said that they would keep her in over night, if she wanted to, my wife said that she did. I then knew how bad she was feeling, has she only speaks a bit of Spanish. She was not allowed any personal belongings, and 1 phone call. It is a high security unit, I told them I would pick her up at 8-30pm. I left all her medication. The next day she phoned me, I could hardly tell what she was saying has she was crying. I told her that I would pick her up at night, and to just hang on in there.
I got there for 8-30, at 10-30 they let me see my wife, we then had to wait to see the psychiatrist. She told me that they never gave her any medication, she had a bad headache and asked for something for it, she was given nothing. Once the psychiatrist was sure that she would not hurt herself she was allowed home. I was just glad to have her back.
_________________

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Thu May 07, 2009 11:18 pm

The psychiatrist speaking in a language only one patient understands if he is comfortable in a language they both understand is pretty unprofessional. I know that you are English speakers living in Spain but when I worked in a mental hospital here in the States we avoided that sort of thing if at all possible.

Sounds good in that at least he didn't start giving you serious medications after only one visit at least. Your wife is right about only a fool would start this sort of treatment after only one interview.

Personally my unasked advice is to move back to where your wife can communicate freely with people and also you will have family and friends around, for her if not you.

Absaroka