Went and saw my therapist today (3rd update)

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 12:15 pm

So how do you know your therapist doesn't have all that much experience with tg/cd folks? When he's asking all the questions...and they're not the typical 'therapist to patient' ones, such as "How do you feel about ______?" & "Where do you see yourself?" Nope, I got "So, you say you're going to lunch afterwards? What if you need to use the restroom? What do you do about your nails? and the like..

It went pretty well, he commented nicely on my presentation en'femme and told me he noticed a marked change in my demeanor, attitude and so on and so forth. The one thing that stood out to me was that he thanked me for sharing that part of myself.

It was kinda odd, but funny, having to spend half an hour explaining the intricacies of presentation as female though... The 'little things'. Men just don't get it.

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 2:14 pm

Hi Michelle. I shopped around for my therapist. The first (a guy) wanted me to teach him, though he claimed gender dysphoria as a speciality. I didn't want to pay to educate him.

The second guy just wanted the money, telling me he would charge 150/month and didn't care if I showed up or not, and then would write my letter at the end of a year for $1,000. He had to leave town not long after, as the APA was after him for unethical behavior (surprise).

There was a third that was a free visit, and he was gay and could not relate to me, thinking I was repressing being gay. I was glad that was a free appointment.

The one that won out was a down to earth woman who had sheparded 20 TS through the process of discovery and transition, though not all to full transition. She is really good at spotting imposters that actually have borderline personality disorder. She is supportive, but is also challenging, and may set you some homework to have you think. We are past the days of talking about my gender which is no longer a problem, but rather we are working on PTSD (Vietnam) and mild depression over family illnesses that I can do nothing about (and feel a bit guilty), and how to deal with grief. Not sure when I became the "fixer" (kinda like Bush II was the "Decider", I guess!!).

She has a masters of Social Work, and her partner has a PHD Psychology, and they have said they will each write a letter for my surgery as I have been working with each. I teach a few classes per semester for the Phd, as I have no problem using myself as a prime example, presenting an experential perspective!!

Personally I have known three women therapists, and I mostly prefer them. They may not entirely "get it", but they are a lot more likely to have some understanding than some man, in my experience.

Carolynn

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:34 pm

Like I said in a previous post, when the counselor starts flipping through the DSM IV it is time to leave.

I hope you are able to find someone who can give you the support and understanding a lot of us need.

Keep us appraised as this transpires.

Virginia

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:54 pm

Well, the way I see it, I went en'femme today to be open and honest, to let him have a good look at what we'd been talking about. He didn't recognize me at first, and did the 'double take' when I went into his office.

As far as I'm concerned, there's 4 people one needs to be honest with(besides themselves).

A lawyer, if they don't have all the facts about what they're defending you for, you could get 'sent up the river'.

A doctor, how else can they treat you if they don't understand the issue completely?

A spouse, OK, bad example on my part, look what honesty got me. LOL

and finally, a friend. What kind of a friend are they if you have to lie to them all the time?

It was really liberating today, being able to open up to him, to explain myself to him, instead of talking about it like we were discussing someone else.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:04 pm

How beautifully profetic, "talking about it like it like we were discussing someone else."

That's fantastic!!!!

Love ya,

Virginia

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:38 am

Twice a year we have a therapist attend our Tri-Ess meetings. She is also a woman that deals with TS/CD people. She usually has group sessions with us. Since the meeting is 2 hrs long, she has one group sessions with the SO's and then with the CD's. They no where scratch the surface but we do come away with some insights. She also works with another CD group called "MCDC". It is not as big as our chapter but is growing and we do have joint outings. Many of both groups have regular sessions with her.

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:58 am

Now, a couple of weeks later, I feel odd.

It's been almost a month since the wife moved out, and I seem to have lost the desire. I haven't been back 'out' since the therapist visit, or en'femme at all, even at home. I boxed everything up, not even wanting to look at it. It's like I feel guilty for even having the stuff. I've purged before, but this feels different than any of those times.

Every time I've purged before, it felt dirty, like there was a disagreement in my head, the male side disagreeing and asserting it's alpha male over it.

This time, it really does feel like something's wrong with me. I've wanted to pull it all back out, thinking it'll make me feel better, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 7:07 am

Well, you had to deal with your wife leaving, etc. So you could be experiencing a bit of depression. And Guilt.

Give it time. Deal with your other issues so you can relax and be at peace with yourself.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 7:56 am

Give it time and remember that your male side is a completely legitimate part of you that needs it's space also.

Your spouse moving out is a big deal no matter how you feel about it. You need time to regroup psychically.

Seeing your therapist en femme may have also had an effect on you that is hard to understand. Sometimes something happens that may be wierd but just removes the desire to dress. Last year it was a simple case of watching a movie about a couple in love who are confronted with themselves in a disturbing way. It made me think about what's important and for a month the clothes reverted to being nothing more than something that kept me from being naked, so that dressing up was not worth the trouble or the exercise of privacy.

Lots of us have an ebb and flow of the desire. Let them be just clothing for a while.

Zari

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 6:17 pm

Virginia wrote:Like I said in a previous post, when the counselor starts flipping through the DSM IV it is time to leave.

Well, I went back again today.

Virginia, you called it.

What's sitting on his desk? Yep. (he started quoting a tidbit about cd fetishism when I called him on it a little bit into the appointment)

So I sit down, he's got a colleague with him, in the corner of the room. My therapist introduces me to him, and vice versa, and we get into the meat & potatoes of the visit.

I went en'femme again. I did a lot of thinking between my last visit and today, and what I came up with kind of gave me a realization I'd been afraid of. There's not two sides to me. I realized which one's the mask and which one I really am. The guy face I presented to the folks 'not in the know' was what I was hiding behind. I put that one up because that's what I thought was expected out of me.

My wife was right. It's not just clothes anymore...it hasn't been just clothes for a LONG time. My feminine expression is who I am. The problem is, the consequences of picking one or the other. I'd much rather stay as Michelle than pretend to be Mike. Being Michelle means alienating a lot of family members that love me, and possibly hurting my daughter emotionally & developmentally. It's selfish. Being Mike is compromising myself for the sake of others, for the ones I love. It's like hurting myself to keep from hurting others.

The truth is, I'm scared to death. It's like being told that I'd have to choose which arm was about to be ripped off. No matter which one I pick, both are gonna hurt like hell.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 8:00 pm

Hi Michelle,

There is a quote from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" that goes something like this.

"The worst ain't so bad, not nearly as bad as you think it's going to be before it happens".

I am not sure is that is an accurate quote, but that is how I remember it. The point is, I have been in your position. The unknown was quite scary, but once I made a decision, things got easier. You need to decide if you are here to try to make everyone else happy, or if you are here to make you happy.

You might start by asking who is changing who they are to please you? Being happy is not selfish. It's mandatory. You are of no use to your children if you hate yourself and your life. But more importantly you are not responsible for how other people feel. They are. They choose what is going to make them happy or sad. You only control you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 8:56 pm

Stand and testify my sister Elizabeth!!!!!

Michelle, you have a friend, a strong companion, someone who will see you through some tough times and you are beginning to recognize her.

Have you met the real Michelle

? Look in the mirror, see that "Wonder Woman" looking back at you!? If you give her the opportunity, you will find she is awesome!!!! She will be there for you, pushing you or pulling you and eventually, she will be walking beside you as you become more and more balanced in your endeavors.

Keep the faith hon, the journey is full of surprises and they are mostly joyous, so again, enjoy your "Magical Mystery Tour!"

Love ya,

Virginia

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 10:49 pm

That's just it Virginia...she's always been there, the problem is, I always thought it was the other way around.

There's a comfort, a serenity, a calm there, presenting as Michelle that I don't get any other time. I don't feel I 'have' to do it, not like I feel when I have to present as male.

I think about what's important in my life...family and whatnot, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to bring what I am to the ones that don't know. I think now, what issues I've had with my adoptive mother, I was pretending to be some kind of 'good son' for her. After Dad passed away last November, I wanted to be there for her, to kind of pick up where Dad left off, trying to do what I could for her, yardwork, house maintenance, and the like, but she wouldn't let me, she tried to be strong and do it all herself or have someone else do it, like she knew I was just pretending...I think on some level, she knows about me, but she wouldn't come out and say anything about it to me.

What I tried to be for everyone else hurts now.

Seriously, all of you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.