Absolutely. You have the absolute right to be you. You are a good person and she has wronged you. If she "loves" you she will find a way to accept who and what you are.
I spent 10 extra years in a marriage and finally left when my kids were older. Having seen how younger kids handled it with my various friends divorces, I would say leave as soon as you feel it won't work. The kids seem to handle it better when younger.
Be strong girl.
London
Came home and all my clothes are gone
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WendyC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm
- Location: Western NY
she responded to my heart to heart email
Well I came from work and she responded. After I told her about my life past and present she has decided that I can dress if its not anywhere near the house so that she doesnt have see anything of my stuff or my son ever seeing me. I didnt have any plans to have my son see me anyways. she told me she doesnt want to see any femme things in the house period ever and that Id better keep all of my things out of her sight. She was quite angry in her email to me but at the same time she was apologizing for what she did to me and that she does understand . I dont think she has a full understanding but I dont want to rock the boat by saying anything about the topic at least for right now. She told me that I could work it out with my mother to dress in her patio room about a mile from our house. My mother is supportive of me and in recent chatwith her she said she wished Id have brought my stuff to her place long ago. I wish I had a crystal ball a week ago. She doesnt like the idea me dressing in our town at all otherwise. She did say that she didnt mind me dressing out of town and that I could still go to my support group and dress which is 2 hours away. Phew, i feel better even with the increased restrictions. I know that some of the responses to this thread said I should be upset and believe me I was but I also feel her sorrow for the deception to her for almost thriteen years. I also understand her fear about my son find ing out . In my email to her I poured it all out and it took three hours . I guess I reached some part of her. We actually kissed tonight a peck but That was huge since she was just one step from calling a lawyer to file divorce. Im not exactly out woods yet in that she had wrote out a full plan for us after the divorce along with flip floping weeks so each of could have equal time wit my son. this was all said in the email to warn me not to test her restrictions. Even though I plan to agree to her terms since this means I get to keep my family together, dress and attend my support group along with the friends Ive made in group, i still fear that some day she might leave me anyways. I know , i know I should be content with the current situation but it still worries me. I hope that from complying with her boundaries things will get better between us. Since she took all my stuff to the dump I have to start from scratch but I will get a basic look in a fairly short time. Clothes and make-up easy. Being Holloween is a bit of luck when it comes to wigs. Wth all my stuff she got my preium wigs from Paula Young, ouch. Oh well it will takes some time to re establish but I will get there. About a half hour after she sent me the message I was told to go for a ride to get some milk. Well I got the milk, along with another bag in my deep coat pocket full of all kinds of make up from a dollor store nearby. I went downstairs and put it in one of my gun lockers , very safe. I plan to get a couple of cabinets that can be locked via pad lock so to maintain her limits that nothing is to be seen Well i guess Im getting tired good night and hugs to all--Wendy
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Merinda
- Miss Golden Goddess
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
First of all, I want to applaud Grace for a thoughtful and wise post. No doubt, it's a wisdom that comes with hard experience.
Wendy,
You talk about your compliance with your wife's boundaries. Another person's boundaries are not something you have to comply with unless there's been some negotiation for a mutual respect for (or compliance with) boundaries. You can be sure that if you don't set your own boundaries your wife will do that for you. This will make you unhappy. Guaranteed. Plus, like Grace said, your wife will become unhappy as well because she'll end up with someone who'll become a possibly bitter stranger to her.
The mistake in your apparently not wanting to set your own boundaries perhaps comes from a wonky belief that you're negotiating from a position of weakness--an eccentric gender identity coupled with a fear of losing family, friends, and job--while your wife, as the "normal" one in the couple, is negotiating from a position of strength. But this isn't true. You're both human beings each with your own set of desires, dreams, hopes, and fears. Heed all this in yourself just as much as your wife does so in herself. If there's one single thing that weakens your position in the re-building of your marriage, it's that your wife's trust in you has possibly been severely damaged by your having hid your crossdressing from her for all these years, by your not having come clean about who you are before tying the knot. That'll take some work, admittedly.
The idea of saving your marriage ought to be explored--by the both of you, together--out of love, not out of fear of loss. Again, as many have said here, consider marital counselling from a qualified therapist. It's the surest way to get the communication juices flowing again. On the other hand, like London said, if it appears the union is unsalvageable, don't dally in considering separation. You wouldn't be doing yourself, your wife, or your kids any favour by remaining a couple out of some misguided belief that staying together at all costs is better than not staying together at all. Sometimes, those costs are just too high and will inevitably damage your mental and emotional health.
Again, good luck in whatever path you choose, Wendy. We'll be rooting for you. In fact, I'll be rooting for both you and your wife. Just tell her to stop throwing your femme clothes away!
Love,
CJ
First of all, I want to applaud Grace for a thoughtful and wise post. No doubt, it's a wisdom that comes with hard experience.
Wendy,
You talk about your compliance with your wife's boundaries. Another person's boundaries are not something you have to comply with unless there's been some negotiation for a mutual respect for (or compliance with) boundaries. You can be sure that if you don't set your own boundaries your wife will do that for you. This will make you unhappy. Guaranteed. Plus, like Grace said, your wife will become unhappy as well because she'll end up with someone who'll become a possibly bitter stranger to her.
The mistake in your apparently not wanting to set your own boundaries perhaps comes from a wonky belief that you're negotiating from a position of weakness--an eccentric gender identity coupled with a fear of losing family, friends, and job--while your wife, as the "normal" one in the couple, is negotiating from a position of strength. But this isn't true. You're both human beings each with your own set of desires, dreams, hopes, and fears. Heed all this in yourself just as much as your wife does so in herself. If there's one single thing that weakens your position in the re-building of your marriage, it's that your wife's trust in you has possibly been severely damaged by your having hid your crossdressing from her for all these years, by your not having come clean about who you are before tying the knot. That'll take some work, admittedly.
The idea of saving your marriage ought to be explored--by the both of you, together--out of love, not out of fear of loss. Again, as many have said here, consider marital counselling from a qualified therapist. It's the surest way to get the communication juices flowing again. On the other hand, like London said, if it appears the union is unsalvageable, don't dally in considering separation. You wouldn't be doing yourself, your wife, or your kids any favour by remaining a couple out of some misguided belief that staying together at all costs is better than not staying together at all. Sometimes, those costs are just too high and will inevitably damage your mental and emotional health.
Again, good luck in whatever path you choose, Wendy. We'll be rooting for you. In fact, I'll be rooting for both you and your wife. Just tell her to stop throwing your femme clothes away!
Love,
CJ
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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It's hard to know where to draw the line with all the sayings. For example the whole 'if you loved me" thing. It's actually a phrase with a lot of truth to it. As in "if you loved me you'd treat me with respect" But it gets perverted into "if you loved me you'd do what I want, be who I want"
Likewise the boundaries. Lot's of spouses say things like don't CD in our hometown, because lets face it, we are identified with our spouse in almost any society on earth and they don't want to be identified with this. Personally I think it's pretty important to respect our spouses boundaries.
But they need to respect ours also.
My wife has a side to her that I know about, she tells me about, but she prefers me not to participate in. What's pretty funny is that it involves her hanging out with gay men who like to drink too much and do drag. I don't drink and you'd think I'd be the one wanting to avoid that part. As for the drag, she feels I'm too straight for it. It gets progressivly wierder than that and maybe will get it's own thread sometime. BUt my point is everyone has some part of themselves that they don't share with their spouse I think.
You've got a difficult situation on your hands. I would think that this sort of difficulty occurs in other areas of your marriage as well and you might want to look at the dynamics of power rather than focusing on the CDing. But I could be totally off base and completely wrong, who knows?
Zari
Likewise the boundaries. Lot's of spouses say things like don't CD in our hometown, because lets face it, we are identified with our spouse in almost any society on earth and they don't want to be identified with this. Personally I think it's pretty important to respect our spouses boundaries.
But they need to respect ours also.
My wife has a side to her that I know about, she tells me about, but she prefers me not to participate in. What's pretty funny is that it involves her hanging out with gay men who like to drink too much and do drag. I don't drink and you'd think I'd be the one wanting to avoid that part. As for the drag, she feels I'm too straight for it. It gets progressivly wierder than that and maybe will get it's own thread sometime. BUt my point is everyone has some part of themselves that they don't share with their spouse I think.
You've got a difficult situation on your hands. I would think that this sort of difficulty occurs in other areas of your marriage as well and you might want to look at the dynamics of power rather than focusing on the CDing. But I could be totally off base and completely wrong, who knows?
Zari
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
It's good to hear that there as been some talk, and you haven't been restricted entirely.
You may find it more enjoyable and a lot less stressful to spend time with your mother while dressed. I know my mom's been great with it.
During the 34 years my wife and I have been together the rollercoaster ride has seen some extreme twist and turns with the mention of divorce more than once. A few years ago I had enough of the threats and decided if she mentioned it again, I would not fight it. When that occurred, she was quite shocked. She settled down after a day or so, and things seem to have improved quite a bit. YMMV.
You may find it more enjoyable and a lot less stressful to spend time with your mother while dressed. I know my mom's been great with it.
During the 34 years my wife and I have been together the rollercoaster ride has seen some extreme twist and turns with the mention of divorce more than once. A few years ago I had enough of the threats and decided if she mentioned it again, I would not fight it. When that occurred, she was quite shocked. She settled down after a day or so, and things seem to have improved quite a bit. YMMV.
DonnaT
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Merinda
- Miss Golden Goddess
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- Location: Melbourne Australia
Wendy ,CJ wrote: Wendy,
You talk about your compliance with your wife's boundaries. Another person's boundaries are not something you have to comply with unless there's been some negotiation for a mutual respect for (or compliance with) boundaries. You can be sure that if you don't set your own boundaries your wife will do that for you. This will make you unhappy. Guaranteed.
CJ
Just to add to CJ's great post , if you accept the boundaries she has set for you without making your own , then you can guarentee that she will move the boundaries away from you , bit by bit over time.
Merinda
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Stormy(SO)
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 167
- Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:39 pm
- Location: Chicago, Illinois
BABY STEPS
I will remind you all of one of our most famous sayings, "baby steps, take baby steps" and Wendy's wife has taken some giant steps. Wendy wants to keep her marriage intact and her child with them both. Baby steps! You've given her alot to think about and she has found a workable solution for the moment. There is a reason we call it the future and we can't predict what Wendy's wife will or won't do.......I'm thrilled that Wendy's Mom is supportive, she has a support group and she can still dress......the rest = BABY STEPS!
Stormy
Stormy
Live well, Laugh often, Love much!
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
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Well said, Stormy!! 
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WendyC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm
- Location: Western NY
thanks Stormy
Baby steps--is just how Im looking at things right now.--Wendy 
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Danielle La Belle
- Account Deactivated at Member's Request
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MsJoann
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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- Joined: Wed May 14, 2008 11:00 am
- Location: Mystic, Connecticut
Wendy...
So sorry to hear all this.
My GF and I don't live together. She knows I dress but is constantly asking for an explanation as to why.
She has no knowledge about my going out to clubs and support group meetings. (WWIII would be started).
Good lord, I have lots of female clothing in my closet that she sees (no skirts or dresses), and most if not all, I wear every day and even in front of her. It seems like after these years I have desensitized her.....or so I may think.
Just last Friday she arrived at my home and gave me a hug as usual. She knew that I was wearing a bra. (I do that sometimes without inserts).
She flipped out for about 15 seconds...then it was back to usual. At least I think.
Well...at least she still loves you. That speaks volumes. My GF still loves me as well. I guess no matter what....
I have no advise as to how you can handle a situation where she purged for you. The only time my GF purged for me was regarding a shirt with that had silver threads in it. She told me that I will never wear that out.
Hiding your dressing is an option but I can imagine it would be very stressful. Better bet is sitting it out and talking with her over a period of time.
My GF can be bull-headed about what she thinks of me...God only knows what is going on inside some elses mind!
Good luck....both of us are going to need it!
So sorry to hear all this.
My GF and I don't live together. She knows I dress but is constantly asking for an explanation as to why.
She has no knowledge about my going out to clubs and support group meetings. (WWIII would be started).
Good lord, I have lots of female clothing in my closet that she sees (no skirts or dresses), and most if not all, I wear every day and even in front of her. It seems like after these years I have desensitized her.....or so I may think.
Just last Friday she arrived at my home and gave me a hug as usual. She knew that I was wearing a bra. (I do that sometimes without inserts).
She flipped out for about 15 seconds...then it was back to usual. At least I think.
Well...at least she still loves you. That speaks volumes. My GF still loves me as well. I guess no matter what....
I have no advise as to how you can handle a situation where she purged for you. The only time my GF purged for me was regarding a shirt with that had silver threads in it. She told me that I will never wear that out.
Hiding your dressing is an option but I can imagine it would be very stressful. Better bet is sitting it out and talking with her over a period of time.
My GF can be bull-headed about what she thinks of me...God only knows what is going on inside some elses mind!
Good luck....both of us are going to need it!
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WendyC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm
- Location: Western NY
My heart goes out to you both Danielle and Joann. I hope everything works out for both of you. Reading the situations that you are both in definitely hits home to me. Things actually have improved alittle for me t home in that she hasnt been hostile since the forced purge and has let me start to dress in my room again and I still attend my support group once a month. About two weeks ago I just sat down and told her that I have everything locked up in my room for the laast several weeks, so why not dress knowing that no one will be able to know if someone gets in there such like the electrican that set this situaton off in the last purge. I lost my job last friday but I wasnt totally unhappy about it. I was very stressed out there and now Im home taking care of my 4 year old son full time minus two hours a day for pre-K. I take care of the house as well , I do all the housekeeping. My wife says shes in heaven coming home to a clean house everyday. I hope that as time goes by things will continue to improve. I actually knew I was going to have to start locking my stuff up soon anyways since my son has recently started to venture into the basement. He knows I shoot guns for comptetion and recreation and likes looking at them. It would have been difficult to explain the the racks of clothes rows of wigs and several holders of make-up on my work bench--Wendy
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MsJoann
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