A little assistance, Puleeze. SO's please read.

[Josey]

Hi Y'all,

I have aimed this mainly at the SO's on the forum but I would love input from anyone who feels they might be able to make a good suggestion.

Of my 62 years on this earth, I have spent 41 of them in some stage of marriage or at least having someone else in my life. I miss that terribly. I feel it is time for me to look once again for at least a significant other, to use today's terms. That brings up the fear of letting someone else who would be important to me in on the CD factor. The thought of having to do that again makes my stomach role. I definitely feel I need help to handle this.

Through many of the posts, I see a common theme of disappointment and distrust because an SO was not told of the situation prior to being "trapped"(my term) in marital entanglement. Others have a similar complaint but state the time frame was too long before they were told. These are things I wish to avoid, but - - - -. Here are a couple of my points of concern:

1. Tell her once you feel the situation is getting serious.

Problems: First, she leaves you. Second, she leaves you and tells everyone you both know which ruins your social standing, no matter how meager it might be. (I live in a very small southern town in a county which still bans hard liquor.)

2. Tell her just before you decide to propose.

Problems: See #1 above

3. Tell her soon after you are married.

Problems: First, She leaves and you end up more miserable than you are now. Second, you have lost some or most of the money that you have to live on for the rest of your life. Third, See # 1 above.

Not only have I outlined my problem with looking for and finding a new SO, I think I have covered a good many reasons why some of you weren't told until you were. :

Now, taking into consideration the problems listed above, what suggestions do you have to help me? Understand, I spent many years as a manager for a big corporation and I learned the value of getting opinions from others in the decision making process. I feel here I have a very knowledgeable group to draw from to whom I have opened my heart and my feelings. I do value your opinions. Please feel free to say exactly what you feel. While I tried to lighten it a little, this is a very serious post about a situation which disturbs me greatly. Knowing of my CD drive and feminine feelings has caused me to be very self concious all my life and particularly in matters such as this.

Thank you all for your help and for taking me into your home and making me feel so very welcome.

[Celia]

Josey,

I recommend that you not select at random but restrict your search to those who you have some prior assurance will be accepting of crossdressers and crossdressing. It just doesn't sound as though you can take chances in your situation. I'm guessing that one or more of the GG's here might have some ideas about where you could start in your quest (I could be wrong . . .).

Yours,
Celia

[Sally]

Hello Josey,

My answer to people who are trying to fathom out the best time to tell is always this.

I consider that after a couple have had 3 dates, you usually have an idea whether you wish to pursue the relationship with the idea of it maybe growing into something special. By 3 dates we usually have an idea of whether the other person holds an attraction for us beyond just casual friendship. This is why I never advocate someone reveal first up, because, after the third date we usually know if there is not enough attraction to pursue it further, then we can walk away and the other person is none the wiser.

However, if by the third date we feel there is an attraction which is more than just being casual friends and if at this stage we can muster the courage (and it always takes courage) to reveal, then if the other person is not receptive to our crossdressing needs, both people can walk away with the minimum amount of emotional harm done. By the third date we still haven't developed a deep relationship with the other person, so going our separate ways at that stage is able to be done with relative ease and minimal damage.

On the other hand if we wait until the relationship has developed into something deep and connecting or even after marriage, then we risk creating a situation which can cause heartache, distress, anger, distrust, disappointment etc etc. These situations can often lead to where the woman can get herself into a state of anger and that's when she is liable to run around telling everyone, as a pay back for her not being told before the relationship blossomed. I believe in always having the odds in my favour.

I always believe that if we can bring the subject up early, before a bond has been formed and she expects the relationship to blossom, we can make the point that one of the reasons we are telling her is out of trust and respect for her, then if she is unable to cope with the situation, she is more liable to have respect for us, therefore lessening the liklihood of her running around telling everyone.

Everybody needs somebody, we all need to be loved and feel we are needed. The love of your life is out there, she just hasn't zeroed in on you yet, but she will. I believe that being the people we are, if we can find that special mate who accepts us and loves us for the true person we are, then we both experience something which is above and beyond the usual relationship. I hope you can find this person who is special and who is out there waiting for you, just because you are alone presently, doesn't mean you won't find your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No matter how daunting things may seem at times, happiness has a way of finding us when we least expect it. We can get ourselves into a state of mind where our self esteem gets very low and this can lead to to a state of mind where we expect it all to go against us, but as Mark Twain once said, " A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.

I wish you well.

My kind regards.

Sally.

[Kyra]

Hey Josie,
I can't help with the dating scene, sorry. (I've little experience to draw from, and I've been married a 15 yrs )

Think about this: If you are in a relationship, and you find things getting serious, there are ways to find out if your SO is open minded enough to handle your "secret". Also, I think that any person in a serious relationship would not "turn" on you if they had a problem with your dressing. True enough it may end the relationship, but for it to turn so hateful as to ruining your life...I find that hard to believe.

Bear in mind that I'm no expert, and even naiive in some aspects of how the world goes 'round, but this is my input. For what it's worth.

Good luck,
Hugs,
Kyra

[Josey]

Hi Celia and Sally,

Thank you both for some great advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Celia, I like the idea of knowing ahead of time that the person I am dating already approves of CD. I guess the problem is where do I find this person. I have lived for almost six years and have not even found another CD in this area. I am sure they are there but they don't come out of the woodwork. It would help if I could find a support group which in turn could help me find women who feel as you say. I'll try.

Sally,
It seems like I have read many of your posts and they are always so great and very ladylike. Your ideas were also very good but I still worry about that person even after three dates telling all her friends who tell all their friends, etc. Gossip is one of the hazards of living in a small town. I don't have a job to lose or anything like that but here everybody knows each other so gossip could shut down your life, literally. That is a care I must take. :x
I do love your ideas of the future. "The love of your life is out there, she just hasn't zeroed in on you yet, but she will. " I do hope you are correct and that she doesn't wait too long. After all, I am already 62!!!

Thank you again, both of you.

[Josey]

Hi Kyra,

Thanks for your thoughts. I would like to believe that a person wouldn't do anything to cause serious harm to one they had been close to but I still remember that saying about a woman scorned. Certainly, if a woman were fond of a man and then found out about CD'ing, that could cause scorn! :evil:
Of course, I am no expert either or I wouldn't have to ask for advice!!

Thank again, Kyra. You are wonderful.

[Sally]

Hello Josey,

I can empathise with you regarding small town gossip. I have lived in one for most of my life, except for a few years in the city for studies. Although I am able to live as Sally to some degree each day, outside of the home she doesn't exist as far as the town community know. This is mainly because our three children work and live in the town and it is their well being which determines this. When Sally goes out in public it is always in our National Capital where TG issues are more readily accepted. Also as I have spent the greater majority of my working life in the Chiropractic profession, revealing in a small town would have had drastic effects on my ability to earn a living. I am in the enviable situation after having been married for over 30 years and still having a loving solid marriage and would never do anything to jeopardise it, that's one reason why I stay within my wife's comfort zone with my gender issues.

I believe we have to take all aspects which may effect our peace of mind and quality of life into the right perspective, what some people may be able to achieve in one community may not apply in another, and I can well appreciate your fear of the repercussions if someone was to take umbridge at your crossdressing needs and spill it to her friends and the community in general.

We face very difficult decisions at times, decisions which may have profound effects on our quality of life if we don't achieve the result we desire, therefore I always feel we have to very carefully consider whether we 'come out' or not, we have to be careful that the benefits outweigh negatives, at all times. Our emotional well being and quality of life is paramount, sometimes 'coming out' can well inflame the situation worse than if we kept it hidden within us.

I do sincerely hope it works out as you would wish, my heart reaches out to you, I've been in your situation and well know how it is.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Celia]

Your welcome, Josey. I suspect your search might take you outside the local area, although you might be lucky and find someone close to home. In any case, good luck.

Yours,
Celia

[Curly(SO)]

Hi Josey,

This is a difficult one! I'm of the school of thought, that you wait till you have built up the beginnings of a strong relationship, but don't leave it too long. I think you need a period of carefree fun to build on your affection for each other. The knowledge of CDing could impinge on this, as she will be too busy worrying about all the issues it will bring up for her, to concentrate on enjoying those early days together!
However, I think you need to mention it before you get that stage in a relationship where you think you know your partner inside out! My hubby told me after two years of marriage and it was kind of unsettling to know he had kept such an important part of his persona hidden from me.
My hubby is kind, considerate and undemanding, qualities that I know you have. Once any prospective partner knows this about you, I'm sure she will do what she can to accept your CDing.
I don't know the best way to actually do the telling! My hubby took the very long route round, by very, very gradually letting me know he had a fetish for certain women's clothes (all the while denying he had any desire to wear them, and never actually using the word, fetish!). I got used to this, and by exploring the Net together I realised that there were other 'normal' hetero men into this, (and also that there were far more WEIRD fetishes, that really did turn my stomach!)Then one day, we were just chatting and he just sort of slid into the conversation, almost unnoticed, that he had 'urges'. Again, he never used the word crossdressing, I had to work that out myself!
When you do tell your future partner, maybe you could point her in the direction of this forum, it really helped me in accepting and learning about CDing.
Good luck Josey!

Curly(SO).

[CJ]

Hi all,

Josey,

There's another aspect to the whole dating scene that hasn't been mentioned yet. I make a lot of fun about my own "bachelorettehood" but, the truth is, I do date once in a while--it's just so much harder to meet people in these hectic and somewhat alienating times than it used to be a mere generation ago. This is especially true in larger cities (such as Montreal), where people are, more than ever, like two ships passing in the night, and in very small towns, such as your own, where the pool of prospective partners is too small. Hence the popularity of online meetings, which can, eventually, lead to dating. Many of my friends and colleagues have met their partners this way (some are even married now) and they're all pushing me to go in this direction.

Whether I meet her online or off, I know one thing about the woman who'll want me; she won't long be kept in the dark about who I truly am. That would be self-defeating.

This is a great topic, Josey. Thanks.

Love,
CJ

[Josey]

Hi Y'all,

Wow! I have had a lot of wonderful suggestions and guidance. I was hoping to get more on the GG side of the fence and I do thank Curly(SO) so much for the post but y'all have had some great ideas. CJ, it sounds like you and I may be sisters in a mission. Good luck to you.

I realize that this is a truly big step which may take a while to reach. All that time that I have been married, of course I have been out of the dating scene. I better understand people who don't have other baggage who are still hesitant about getting back into that dating group. Part of my hesitation is just plain dating and, of course, a great deal has to do with the CD aspect. The world used to be so much simpler!

Thanks again to y'all.