Having a gender flare again.

[Miss Emma]

It seems to happen every 2 months or so, where my ordinarily controllable desire to be a woman rises up and crushes me with a terrible weight. I look in the mirror and hate everything about me, I start to ignore my friends, I stop eating, and generally become a useless hunk of meat for a few weeks.

I dont know why, but I have never really come here to vent out some of the frustration. I'm usually just a lurker, perhaps that's why it's it.

Also, I know that my problems aren't CD exclusive, but I am pretty sure that most of you can relate anyways, and I've just grown fond of the community here.

Anywho, in addition to these negative thoughts about my body/physical gender, I've been having dreams where I am pregnant. In these dreams, I progress through the pregnancy, then it skips to me playing with my child, then I wake up, and it is the worst feeling I've ever had in my life, and I usually find that I've been crying in my sleep.

On top of that, I'm worried about how this is going to impact me later. You see, I am only 18, going on 19, and I have spent this last year finding out that it is pretty damn hard to make a living. So, due to my ever increasing levels of destitution, I have decided ot join the airforce. I'm not joining to prove I am a man or anything, I am just in it for the money, but I know that it is going to be a burden to have to go through the military with my "gift," what with the whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

I dunno, I think I am just feeling emotional today. The insomnia, several pots of coffee and the chain-smoking might have something to do with it too (not to mention a healthy dose of Kate Nash pounding in my headphones).

[Bernice]

Wow! Others here also served in the military, and for the most part, they said that military and crossdressing do not mix at all. Many deferred their crossdressing until after discharge. At least one person here discovered her gift only after discharge. In my own case, I passed on ROTC (and military flight training) because I already knew by then that my gift was not going to go away, no matter what I did.

Did you read this thread? http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... hp?t=12403

It's probably too late to change your mind. You have a good point about making a living in this terrible economy. Still, I fear your most difficult days lie ahead.

I wish you well.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Carolynn]

Hey Emma. I understand what you are going through. I did it too for over 50 years, but my cycle of depression and angst was monthly rather than every two months or so, and it was rough for the week or so it lasted, as I battened down the hatches and went into denial. Gender Dysphoria is not for sissies, and it takes a while to understand what you have to do. The military is not a place to do that. There are too many places there, too many ways, you can be exposed, or in a fit of depression, find a way to off yourself, "accidentally". Killing yourself is not a path to self actualization, or a decent life. And you might survive and be permanently unable to help yourself. Though the Air Farce is better than the Army, Gyrenes or Navy, they will still drop you like a hot rock if they discover who you are. No sense of humor at all!!

You didn't say what your grades were like in school, but rather than the military look for some way to get more education or technical training, and get some help to work on the depression. If the psych tests you get in the Air Farce, basically personality inventories, hint at your problem, you will likely be sent home.

There are therapists that can help you get a handle on things, some in places that will get funds from grants that can make the therapy free to you. You just have to look for them. There are usually some that work with the various state groups that help AIDS patients, and that is the first place to look. Even in the benighted land of OKLAHOMA they have such services, so you should be able to find them. They CAN help you, far more than trying to play military geek can.

Best of Luck Emma.
Carolynn

[Anita]

Hi Emma--
I understand the need for financial security right now, and the military is a steady job. My sisters above have stated the dangers of it very well, however. It's cold turkey once you're in there. If you can learn to handle that, it may be a productive time for you.

I have nothing against the armed forces, and enlisted for them when I was 21. They discovered a wool allergy, and sent me home. Thing is, I'd already bit the bullet on crossdressing when I went to college and had to room with three other guys.

But when transgender hit me again 10 years ago, there was no room for suppressing it. And I went through days like you're talking about, where I didn't want to get on my guy clothes and go to work. I'd go out on the town as a woman, and feel terribly depressed when it was time to change back.

Eventually it toned down, and I didn't feel the need to begin transitioning. There is no rhyme or reason for why not--I just know that I can live in two genders, and be OK with it. Next year might be a different story; I definitely live month-to-month with this, always testing which way the gender wind is blowing.

You have our support here. Keep us posted.

[DanielleH]

Emma,

I can relate to your situation. When I was in my late teens I started to realize that I was transgendered when I was 17/18 but denied it for many years. A couple years later I joined the Army as a rifleman, for the money as well. I could have gone into any other field but couldn't wait for an opening to leave for basic & AIT. Not exactly the place you want to be if you want to dress up or act any other way than trying to prove how much of a man you are. But I did make it through even a couple of deployments, so don't think it cant be done.

Although I would make one suggestion if money if the sole reason for enlisting, I would recommend seeking other means of sustaining your self if at all possible. The money is not really worth it when you consider the fact that you could be deployed to a war zone and putting your life in danger. When you consider that you are on duty 24/7, you don't even make minimum wage. If you have other reasons to join as well, then go for it and don't let anybody tell you other wise. Just make sure your doing it for the right reasons.

[Susan]

I suppose my early life was similar to you all. I spent seven years in the UK Merchant Navy down the engine rooms of big and smaller ships - spending up to eight months at a stretch at sea. Dressing was not an option and these trips were the longest time I have ever gone without dressing. I was not in denial but I was possibly trying compensate for the then nascent Susan inside me.

This seems a common scenario amongst us.