need some help

[Emma-A]

Hi girls,

there was a bit of a conflict at home last night, which I wasn't well prepared for. I think things are going.down a difficult route.

anyway to sum up, I'm in a dark place right now and need some professional help. but not sure how to find a therapist who understands these issues. I'm afraid I might end up with one who tries to 'fix' me by invalidating Emma.

with love,
Em.

[April Rose]

Emma, sorry you are feeling down. Try googling GLBT and your town. One of the organizations that comes up should have some kind of listing of therapists that can handle gender issues.

[DonnaT]

I reckon you'll just need to ask some questions on the phone, especially with respect to gender issues and marriage issues?

[Carolynn]

Hi Emma. How easy it will be to find an appropriate therapist may vary with where you are located, and how large your town/city of residence may be. If there are none that are local, you can possibly do therapy by phone or skype. If you do have to resort to that, then you may need to make at least one face to face meeting with her or him. In my experience therapists who advertise as marriage counselors do not know much about gender or have religious bias about it. I guess the same applies to marriage counseling as well for that matter.

Good luck Em, and please use us to vent.

Carolynn

[Emma-A]

thanks everyone for the suggestions. living in a rather rural and insular part of the UK, there doesn't seem to be much in the way of specialist counsellors within reasonable distance. but I did some searching on my lunch break and found that the Nhs mental health department does have a specialist team for these things in my area, and from the blurb on the website they appear to have the right approach. I think I might ask my GP to refer me and see how it goes. is this a good idea?

[Leeza]

to me it sounds like a good start

[Anthony Simon]

It's really up to you. Like you say the NHS stuff sounds pretty good. The disadvantages are to do with having to take who they give you - and also being part of their process, which may not suit you particularly.

If you can afford to go privately, you have a wider choice and probably more flexibility in terms of how much and when they see you. It may be that putting yourself in the system will be enough for you to feel that there's going to be a place you can go to experience your feminine side - and that will enable you to stop it bleeding into the outside world. If you don't feel that, you'd probably need to go private. It, probably, would allow you to start seeing someone relatively soon.

The other thing is that, judging from your posts, you have some other life issues (even though things have been going OK). Though you're specifically seeking help for the gender-related stuff, you may actually be better off with a non-TG orientated therapist - so that you can be looked at as a whole.

[Emma-A]

It's really up to you. Like you say the NHS stuff sounds pretty good. The disadvantages are to do with having to take who they give you - and also being part of their process, which may not suit you particularly.

If you can afford to go privately, you have a wider choice and probably more flexibility in terms of how much and when they see you. It may be that putting yourself in the system will be enough for you to feel that there's going to be a place you can go to experience your feminine side - and that will enable you to stop it bleeding into the outside world. If you don't feel that, you'd probably need to go private. It, probably, would allow you to start seeing someone relatively soon.

The other thing is that, judging from your posts, you have some other life issues (even though things have been going OK). Though you're specifically seeking help for the gender-related stuff, you may actually be better off with a non-TG orientated therapist - so that you can be looked at as a whole.

Thanks for the practical advice. I would prefer private therapy but money is a little tight at the moment, so I might not afford sessions as often as I need them. I've used the local Nhs services before for other issues and found them quite good. now that I know they have specialists in these matters I'm comfortable to try that route.

I'm actually.feeling a lot better today. I think I over reacted to a fairly trivial misunderstanding the other evening. Like you say, perhaps I have other issues that I need to seek help with too.

luv,
Em

[Emma-A]

Had a really weird weekend, ups and downs but more downs than ups. Going to see my GP this week, with the aim of getting a referral as mentioned before. Also got in touch with someone who has counseled me in the past for other issues. She said she does have some experience in these subjects, so I'm going to see her too, as the costs are reasonable and she already knows some of my history.

But I think I've began to successfully unravel some of reasons why I feel so good being a girl. Not the root cause, but why I feel the need to be a girl at the moment. Ever since getting married, I've struggled to be 'man enough' for my wife, and that alone often gets me really down and feeling like I'm just not cut out for this role. When I dress up as a girl, I feel all those burdens lifted, and like I don't have to try to please anyone, I can just be myself. That version of me is so much happier - nobody knows me and nobody has expectations of me. I can also express my emotions in a way that comes naturally to me, something which I can't do when pretending to be the man that people around me and society expect me to be.

The road ahead looks pretty treacherous for me at the moment, whether I choose to try and supress my femme side or not. At the moment I almost feel like saying "<insert expletive> everything, I'm out for myself now" and just go femme and see how it goes. But I'm too caring to the people around me to do that.

Anyway, thanks for reading my drivel - I feel a bit ashamed to air my problems, which pale into insignificance compared to what many of you girls have been through. But if I just keep it all inside until I see a counselor, the consequences may not be good. So please forgive me if I go on a bit...

goodnight,
Emma

[Emma-A]

Talking of the road ahead, when I lived alone and had plenty of spare cash, one of the things I used to do when I was feeling down in the evening was take a long drive through the minor roads to nowhere and back listening to my favourite songs. I'd usually cry for a while en-route, but always arrived back home feeling as though all my problems had gone away (until the next day at least!). How girly is that?

[Latanya]

u sound a lot like me emma i have a fem side that is polar opposites to the he side
i am a much happier person when i am latanya. part of it that cant be denied is that latanya has no baggage. but as well it so much more than that. included in that is the realization that u are in conflict and that is how he tries to deal with or squash it. for me accepting who i am was huge. but i also found that u dont have to go totally the fem route to feel fem.
i found i am gender fluid meaning i am male with a strong fem side. i am learning to integrate latanya into my real life(underdressing, spending time on these sites as latanya)and although i am making progress.
a good therapist is crucial. what u need to get is a recommendation for someone who specifically deals with gender issues . and for me for comfort it had to be a hetero-female. i think it would have been very hard for me to open up if it was a male.and i wanted someone balanced in outlook. someone sensitive to the LGBT but not overly.

[Emma-A]

u sound a lot like me emma i have a fem side that is polar opposites to the he side
i am a much happier person when i am latanya. part of it that cant be denied is that latanya has no baggage. but as well it so much more than that. included in that is the realization that u are in conflict and that is how he tries to deal with or squash it. for me accepting who i am was huge. but i also found that u dont have to go totally the fem route to feel fem.
i found i am gender fluid meaning i am male with a strong fem side. i am learning to integrate latanya into my real life(underdressing, spending time on these sites as latanya)and although i am making progress.
a good therapist is crucial. what u need to get is a recommendation for someone who specifically deals with gender issues . and for me for comfort it had to be a hetero-female. i think it would have been very hard for me to open up if it was a male.and i wanted someone balanced in outlook. someone sensitive to the LGBT but not overly.

That makes a lot of sense. I never understood what you meant before when you talked about being 'transgender fluid' but now I see.

Even as a male, I had always tried to be happy and express that happiness, along with my affection towards friends, etc. But to most people that comes across as girly, or too affectionate (some people even thought i might be gay). So over the years I learned to supress those outward expressions of my inner feelings, which in turn destroyed my inner happiness. But being a girl would mean I could express those things without being considered wierd/gay/etc.

So like most of us here, there are many issues to be addressed, and like you say a good therapist is essential. I hope one of the options I'm now pursuing will prove useful, but if not then I'll keep searching.

Like you, I think I will probably find some happiness in a 'fluid' state. We shall see. Thanks again for the great help!

Luv,
Em

[Anita]

Ever since getting married, I've struggled to be 'man enough' for my wife, and that alone often gets me really down and feeling like I'm just not cut out for this role. When I dress up as a girl, I feel all those burdens lifted, and like I don't have to try to please anyone, I can just be myself. That version of me is so much happier - nobody knows me and nobody has expectations of me. I can also express my emotions in a way that comes naturally to me, something which I can't do when pretending to be the man that people around me and society expect me to be.

Emma, I would hope that this state of affairs doesn't go on for too long. I've had a few times in my life when I was split in a way that seems similar to what you're describing here. (It didn't have to do with CDing) Something had to give--I was forced to find solutions, and if you're going to go see a therapist, that's great.

I hope you and your wife can eventually sit down and talk about just how much she needs from you, and when. We all have our own ideas about what our partner needs, and some of those ideas are based on what they've told us. But we also have ideas about what we think they need and want, and those need to be checked sometimes. Perhaps your wife does need for you to take a strong male role some of the time, but not all of the time. And it may take some compromising, of course. Right now, the two modes you're describing (trying to be 'man enough,' and then becoming your girl self) seem too far apart--like it's too much of a stretch between them. You can continue to do both of them, but they need to move closer together somehow, so that going between them doesn't give you psychic whiplash. Just my opinion, but my heart goes out to you, reading that post.

[Emma-A]

I think you are right about that, the two are at the utmost extremes. it will take time and effort to reconcile the various needs, but reading other girls stories and the support you have all given me has made me confident that there is in fact hope.

luv,
Em