No history?

[Anita]

I was talking to my older brother the other day, and I mentioned that as a performer, my gal self was much more popular and 'alive' on stage than my guy self seemed to be. It seemed like audiences got more out of 'her' performances overall.

Barry said, "Anita has no history. She's not carrying emotional baggage around with her, and that comes across."

I thought about that for a moment, and saw that it was true for me. If I present myself as a woman, I'm not drawing on past experiences so much, because I don't have that many of them. I don't think about my 'childhood,' because I didn't have one. The pains and joys of being a male teenager don't concern me much. I'm not seeing the world through the lens of my fifty years of being a man, and only a man. I see it through a different lens when I'm out as a girl, and maybe more importantly, I feel it differently. It's not so much that I'm escaping from the other world as it is that I'm creating a new self in the same world.

I know that other members on here write that they do not feel like a different person when dressed, so they might not have labeled their experiences the same way I am. Many TS women would say that their girl selves do have a history, because they were always that girl, even if she didn't show outwardly. I didn't have that awareness.

For me, I'd have to say that some of the peacefulness I felt early on, came from this erasing of history. It's not like I'm suppressing it; it just isn't there in the same way. More to the point, if I live fulltime after I retire, I'd venture to say this difference would stay the same. That's my speculation, anyway.

[Carol Ann]

On Anita sweetheart I fully do understand your feelings, you see I too am a different person when dressed. I am so comfortable so in place, yes I do understand you even when I'm out dressed I feel I belong there and just make myself one in the world.

Carol Ann

[DonnaT]

As my male self I have a history of being a secretive CDer.

As Donns, I still have that same history. Not so secretive now as it was then, but my history is in the "then".

So it all feels the same to me.

[Anita]

Hi Carol Ann--
If I'm remembering correctly, your mother was OK with you being a 'girl' sometimes, so you got to grow up being a girl some of the time. You've been dressing every day for most of your life, haven't you? So in a way, you've always been Carol Ann! It sounds like your girl self had a good upbringing, maybe, so you have a positive outlook on life. My childhood was rough, through nobody's fault. I was part of six kids, with a self-employed dad, and we barely got by when I was little.
And I didn't get bullied much, but I was an artistic, sensitive little boy, and I didn't fit the town where I grew up at all.
Playing sports well saved my life; without that, I'm not sure what what have happened. I'm sure you had your difficulties as a kid, too, but if it's not getting in your way now, that's good.

Hi Donna--
Just saw your post. Maybe a difference is that I was a CDer when I was a teen, and then I stopped for 32 years. So my experience with CDing was not continuous.

[Carol Ann]

Anita,
Thank you , and yes I have live a hard but rewarding life both as male and female but in truth I prefer being a women

[Gillian]

When you stop to think about it this makes perfect sense. If a person has alot of "baggage" in their life, one of the ways to relief the stress is to escape from it, even if only briefly. Maybe the CDing started for a variety of reasons, but later on the subconscious mind picks up on the stress free area within this alter ego. For some the coming out of the closet is stressful... so they don't come out! In my case my alter ego, Gillian, is a stress free zone. My wife knows about this part of me and accepts it with some small limitations, as in me not going outside of the home fully dressed. There are some parts of Gillian that she embraces, thence that part is an area that I can live in more freely which in turn helps me in dealing with stress in my life. In reviewing the ebb and flow of life, it is plain to see that CDing increases and decreases with my stresses in life. If CDing is the minds a way to cope with issues during stressful times, then why not, I could think of alot of worse ways!

[Anita]

When you stop to think about it this makes perfect sense. If a person has alot of "baggage" in their life, one of the ways to relief the stress is to escape from it, even if only briefly. Maybe the CDing started for a variety of reasons, but later on the subconscious mind picks up on the stress free area within this alter ego.

I think you have something there, Gillian. It's still a puzzle as to why we start, but it definitely sets up a comfort zone in the mind for some of us, and that is appealing. I have read many accounts of forum members feeling real peace when they can get home and dress, and just be themselves. I don't find this to be true for me. Being my girlself at home distracts me, maybe because the things I need to do at home keep asking me to be "him," and I can't be "him" and "her" at the same time very well. Out in the world, I have to be "her" all the time, because I want to be consistent for other people. So it's not as much a struggle to "stay in character" as a girl when I'm around other people.

For some the coming out of the closet is stressful... so they don't come out!

And yet the stress of not coming out is very high, too, for some of them. That is a hard place to be in. The two forces were battling in me when "this" first hit me at age 49, but the stress of not coming out was much higher and more painful then the alternative. It was not courage so much as it was a need to escape the pain--I had to come out in order to stop feeling that pain.

If I had been younger, I would have been tempted to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs, but I'd already been through the battles with alcohol and drugs. I knew they were ineffective for me, because I'd abused them many times already. So I had no weapons to use against my need to CD out in the world. I still don't regret having to do it, but it was scary. There's no guarantees about what will happen, although I have to say, if I'd have known about forums like this one, it would have helped A LOT. I was re-inventing the wheel when I went out; for all I knew, no one ever did this.
Now a person can come on here and read that it can be OK; it can work. That is such a big deal, and I'm glad we've got this information to share.

In reviewing the ebb and flow of life, it is plain to see that CDing increases and decreases with my stresses in life. If CDing is the minds a way to cope with issues during stressful times, then why not, I could think of alot of worse ways!

That is one thing that I've been curious about. For you, the relationship between the stress and the CDing is there. For others, the need to CD seems to come out of nowhere, and has little relationship to how much stress is going on. I'd have to say I'm more like that. Being a girl takes energy, for me. If I'm really stressed, I want to stay in male mode, because I know that "he" will protect me. Also, I've already said that being the girl is somewhat of a distraction. If I need to take care of a really stressful situation, I'm better equipped to do it with the old self. Not sure of all the reasons why that's so, but that's how I see it.

I really see this when I'm running the TS support group. I'm effective as a leader when I'm in girlmode, and I never feel overwhelmed by the job. But it's much easier the times when I'm running the group in guy mode. Being a girl almost forces me to rely on more subtle ways of doing things, if I want to stay in character with who "she" is. And that is very important to me, so I don't do what Dustin Hoffman did in Tootsie. You know, the scene where 'she' is trying to get a taxi, and they keep flying by. So she yells "Taxi!" in a male voice, and one immediately stops.

People reading this can say, "Well, that's all gender stereotype. Anita can be just as firm and disciplined as 'he' can." But for me, that's not the case. Anita has her own strengths and weaknesses, apart from the ones that "I" came into this world with. Being two people has its disadvantages, but I get to experience things in a new way that my old self never found on his own.

[Paula G]

Lots of interesting stuff here, first as for the performing I hope to find out a bit more about this next month when Paula finally takes to the platform, although in my genre I am not sure how much effect this will have.

I am also struck by your comments about being two different people, I have this feeling but I know many others don't. I certainly feel as though I have different characteristics, although those few people who know both Paula and Paul are not so sure of the difference. AT times of stress I know I will escape to Paula. I have wondered if that is because all the situations that cause the stress belong to him, so it's a bit like hiding under the duvet.

[Anita]

Lots of interesting stuff here, first as for the performing I hope to find out a bit more about this next month when Paula finally takes to the platform, although in my genre I am not sure how much effect this will have.

I will be interested in hearing about it. I would imagine it will change the experience of playing in ways you might not anticipate.

I certainly feel as though I have different characteristics, although those few people who know both Paula and Paul are not so sure of the difference.

I think that's so for me, too. One reason I know of is because I try to blend the two personalities for people like my sisters, for instance. I'm more of 'a man in a dress' for them, and I can't say I like that--but I need to show them that I'm the same brother they always knew. It drives me crazy sometimes, to have to blend genders as a woman. I'm not so upset if some 'girl behaviors' bleed through my male persona, for instance. I also don't mind if someone calls me "Anita" while I'm dressed male. The other way around? I cringe when I'm a woman, and someone calls me by my male name.

When I'm my girlself, and I'm around people who don't know me any other way, I can be surprised by how far into femaleness I go. I'm no longer scared about whether I'll come back or not--I always do, and if the day happens when I don't, well, I have a lot of friends who have transitioned. I know I can do it too, if need be. So it's win-win. I'm OK as a guy, and I'll be OK if I ever go fulltime girl. But I had to make my peace with that, because I know how powerful the need to CD can be. If I ever felt that same need to transition, then I'd have to do it. Not to scare anyone, but some of us do have to face that from time to time.

AT times of stress I know I will escape to Paula. I have wondered if that is because all the situations that cause the stress belong to him, so it's a bit like hiding under the duvet.

I can't escape to Anita easily. I have to have a fairly clean slate in my male world to be able to make the transition. If there's too many stressful situations laying around, I feel the need to stay male and take care of them first. It comes down to simple things. I feel strange if I'm dressed girl, but talking guy on the phone. That bothers me. Also, if I'm dressed femme, I can't just go anywhere I need to go. I may be "out," but I have to pick and choose what business dealings I can do in either gender, and which ones I have to be one or the other.

One night after a 'girl' band rehearsal, I went to pick up a tool at a jobsite. It's 11 pm--nobody's going to be around. Oh, but it turned out the homeowner was doing some late-night painting. His wife had hired me, so I hadn't met him, in either gender. I really had to think about that one for a moment, but I was already on the job--they weren't going to "fire" me, and she knew I performed as a gal. So I went in and introduced myself, and got the tool. It went OK, but I don't recommend doing that.

[Anthony Simon]

In terms of "no history", there's part of me as a guy who's about 3 - like a very vulnerable tiny child - and I experience myself as vulnerable like that a lot when I dress up. I used to also see it in my eyes when I looked in the mirror when I dressed up, but that went away when I started seeing a woman in the mirror. And she's kind of mature and about my age (59). The odd thing is when I manage to get photos of myself dressed up that look vaguely OK, I look younger, maybe 40s (which is also how I look as a guy).

So I don't know what that means, except it looks like I have multiple bits of me, of both genders and various ages. The woman I see in the mirror has definitely seen 59 years and so has a history going over that period. I think she's wiser (Like I've said before) than my guy part. He looks 40s (and maybe acts like that). She also appears as a voice in my head who knows stuff.

In a way, the fact that I look my age in the mirror when I dress up as her suggests that she's the bit of me that's properly worked through my life - like knows what went on with me in my history - whereas the guy in me doesn't.

That's apart from the fact I feel very vulnerable - and kind of unformed and immature - when I dress up. Like with very little history.