Why do we believe our gender is fully or partially Feminine

[Anthony Simon]

It's good to have you back, Dolores and glad you're OK with Anne.

[Leeza]

I am glad you are back, Dolores. I hope you enjoyed the trip.

Leeza

[Anne Bonny]

I am glad you can overlook my post and accept my apology. It means alot to me. I would much rather maintain a good relationship with other posters. I make no claim to being one of the best and the brightest. I can be moody when life is not going well, and obviously can jump to baseless conclusions failing to clarify things, not fully thinking and misunderstanding I can post away hopefully I can avoid that in the future. It is a relief that you can be a bigger person and accept my ernest apology. Anne.

Of late my wife's deteriorating mental state (dememtia) Lewey Body Type? vs Alzheimers is taking it's toll. Physically, mentally. And on top of all of that my Mother-in-law (82?) with the borderline personality (according to my brother in law who is a counselor and is very supportive backing me fully) actually had the nerve to make the accusation that I was neglecting my wife!!!! I was so upset, heart poundng and shaking for 30 minutes after during a long conversation with my wife's brother before I could calm down. Caring for a dememtia patient is the ultimate challenge, there are no manuals - it is a learning process there are no hard cut offs for steps along the way. Dementia patients have good and bad days there is sort of an average that you have to monitor. It is very much like that Frog in the Pot analogy - as the heat is gradually turned up you adjust to a new level of heat and go on. Looking back it is amazing how two independent people can change as one loses abilities and the other maintains what the other person can no longer do for them selves. At some point you have to decide she can no longer drive, when to start helping with dressing, bathing, personal grooming which becomes more and more. But when can a person no longer be left alone? I had cut back on my obligations acknowledging that more than an hour is too long, and now that there is really no time and requires I spot check about every 10 to 20 minutes when I am not in the same room - she's currently out on the porch in a rocker. I was in the process of looking for respit care givers - a sitter service (not covered) because I need breaks, and my wife in her fantasy world refuses to leave the house to accompany me sometimes for errands and things. Any way an initial mental health appointment (for stress due to my irregular heart rhythm) went twice as long as the hour I figured and my wife was in the neighbor's back yard when I returned with our dog at her side, the neighbor had left a message. I made the mistake of telling my mother in law, and about 30 minutes later she phoned back and exploded on me. I was already cutting back and realizing on my own that the time had come that I could not leave her alone anymore without all of that - I just told her that she was inapporpriate and that this is the end of this conversation and hung up. I do not feed into it - just cut her off when she is out of control. Well two weeks later it is still bothering me. My mother in law had crossed a line with me a couple years ago - but I decided to continue to be courteous, considerate, still giving the occasional hug, trying to maintain a good relationship and not to feed into her verbal abuse. The trouble is she tries to take control, then starts demanding and baggering. But apparantly she has hate in her heart for me that simmers just beneath the surface like a bare electrical wire. I always walk on egg shells. But this last episode has done it for me - I am done with her. I refuse to talk to her anymore, if she comes over here and starts to become verbally abusive to me I will tell her to leave and take her to the door. If she makes trouble I plan on calling the police and taking out a restraining order. This is causing emotional distress and harm not only increasing my already over the top stress, but upsets my wife and our sons. We have a right to live in peace free of verbal abuse.

Anyway - of late I have had extremely little to no desire to dress - but... I will always be a crossdresser - we all have periods of dormancy. I am concentrating on fixing up my new sail boat - good therapy, And am in male mode no nail polish, no langerie, even down to a less than smooth shave and using Old Spice. If anyone has wondered that is where I have been of late, bills, bills, bills - Christmas, the boat, sitters, stress, caregiving, managing our home.... Anne

[Absaroka]

Anne my heart goes out to you, this is a really difficult situation to be in.

You need to set your own boundaries with your MIL. It may help with forgiveness and your own inner peace however to remember that watching your child suffer from dementia must be incredibly anguishing. Accusing you of not taking care of your wife may be another way of your MIL wondering who will take care of her.

Hang in there.

Zari

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks, I am fully dressed today in the same dress as my profile photo, but I have let my hair grow out, about mid ear length now so I am able to give it volume and style it like my wife's, I do love having bangs that curl out and fall over my forehead and then towards the sides and look "whispy" I havn't worn a dress for about a month, I did order two 36A bras and a coffee stripe night shirt from the Hanes site and am pleased with these purchases. Though I really should have ordered a 38 the 36 is stretchy and will stretch out eventually - that stretch does help to push more of what breast flab I have into the cups and I love the feminine curviness of my bust line knowing it is all natural if not exactly the fullness a woman would have.

My mother in Law did ask one of my wife's life-long friends to call to see if it would be ok if she came over, so she came with the friend and food, I kept to myself, paid bills, ate lunch but did not look at her much or talk to her much, then went on my jogg, and walked the dog, showered and got ready for a medical appointment. By that time the boys were home and they were ready to leave, when I got back she was gone. I can't really keep Pat's mother from seeing her, or our boys - but if she does start up I will send her home.

I did tell, the sitter service that I wanted to discontinue after one visit, still had to fork over another $64 so they could hold the deposit if I wanted to start up again down the road - though I bet when that happens they will give a reason for my needing to pay another deposit anyway. Gee - out $128 dollars for one 4 hour sitting session!!!! But I have an old lady from the church who has experience sitting with alzheimers patients who would accept much less, I give her $10 per hour and she really does need the money, will give me the flexibility I need as well. Oh well all of this is really off topic - sorry.... Anne

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Sisters,

I don't know that I have anything profound to say but I do differ somewhat from many of you.

Basically I am a girl. Regardless of my physical gender, I am female. I agree with Davita when she says expressing her male gender unbalances her.

Some might say, oh, that's just a preference. But it feels like far more than that, an expression of my deepest nature.

It's not that there's war between two genders in me. I never felt a war, but if there was one, it happened long ago, and the female has triumphed. (Not that I'm good at being female; I'm not. I'm still lost in male traits I don't like and am trying to win my way out of. It's a learning process.)

Fundamentally I think males are boring and the male aspects of me don't interest me a lot. Sometimes I feel they are peripheral. The "me" I feel is a lesbian woman. That revelation continues to grow and change me as the years go on.

I struggle to express this and feel I can't quite succeed in saying how profound it is. But the simplest way is to say I am a girl. Don't know a better way to put it.

Love, Robyn Katie

[Absaroka]

Robyn Katie it's nice to hear from you again. It's been awhile.

Zari

[Anne Bonny]

Absaroka wrote:

"You need to set your own boundaries with your MIL. It may help with forgiveness and your own inner peace however to remember that watching your child suffer from dementia must be incredibly anguishing. Accusing you of not taking care of your wife may be another way of your MIL wondering who will take care of her. "

I know this - I shall not, she has a son, her sisters and brothers and family all of who live close together like a band of gypsies as my mother stated once or twice, there is even a "family compound" of sorts a la the godfather style without the crime as my MIL and several of the family all live together on part of their old farm. Yes, very nepotistic! We had 300 at our wedding!

This is useful advice, I suspect my wife's life long friends two very nice women are not taking sides but I sense they do believe I am wrong to take this tack - is that Pirate talk? My Mother in law uses me as a whipping post for all that is wrong with my wife and her standard or care is seemingly unatainable and the line moves futher along as I meet her outrageous demands. I walk on egg shells, and on occasion words with no intention set sparks flying as If I had touched a high power electrical line inadvertantly. As a Christian it is in sickness and in health, till death do we part but I am not sure of my obligation to a mother in law who has a son. She is no relation of mine I feel. I owe her no consideration as pertains to my life or ours (my wife's and mine) while it lasts only insomuch as to my wife she is her mother not mine and so there's an end to that fair thee well, or ill - I care not. Life is short, on the marrow I may die so It's a merry life but short. I shall live crying freedom! To do as I please to make of it what I will. Robinson Caruso alone, independent, self sufficient. Life will find a way. Life will come sailing, travel, fun, friends and acquaintences, perhaps love will come again to those who do not look for it? Alone, alone, all all alone, alone on a wide wide sea, and n'er a saint took pity on my soul in agony!

I suppose I like drama? Histrionic they call it - that's it! Life and Death, suffering and joy that is life.

I do not keep my wife from her mother, as I see it any needs my MIL has can be perfectly met by her remaining son, her brothers and sisters and family surrounding her as they all live close. Till death do we part. I can be civil, and can meet objectively my duties but I do not have to be subject to verbal abuse and threats when I am providing the care and support few men I am told would give to their wife, the love of my life, the mother of our children, of whom in time our retirement which has been stolen from us I will not have her at my side to share the rewards of years of hard work and struggle together.

Sorry all of this is OT - Anne

[Absaroka]

I don't see any reason you would try to provide care for your MIL when she has so much family and doesn't seem to like you. Mostly I'm suggesting motive for her actions which may make it easier to deal with her while your wife is alive, and help you not to be embittered.

[Mike P.]

So many wonderful replies, really appreciate everyone's insight. Such a nice helpful place. I'm learning that wanting to be more feminine is not just about sex, and being dressed, but there def is a diff way of feeling. Since I've been learning more, and accepting who I am, while there is still confusion, there is also clarity about why I've been a certain way growing up. It is def liberating.

[Paulette]

Anne says:

I can be civil, and can meet objectively my duties but I do not have to be subject to verbal abuse and threats when I am providing the care and support few men I am told would give to their wife, the love of my life, the mother of our children, of whom in time our retirement which has been stolen from us I will not have her at my side to share the rewards of years of hard work and struggle together.

Exactly. That's not histrionic, it's truthful (and you are simply being poetic). I suggest you inform her family, and then your MIL, that this is a burden you must put down, and that they, her other relatives, individually or together, need to figure out how they will take it up. If she must martyr someone, it cannot be you. Your time with your wife is the most important thing in your life now, not being a whipping boy for your MIL.

Your MIL is the responsibility of her able relatives. Your wife is your responsibility, and you have not the time, the strength, or the patience to deal with someone not related to you who continually abuses you. If your MIL cannot control herself and refrain from doing this, she should not be permitted to visit with your wife, her daughter, and you should tell her that and make it stick. It should not be a threat, but a condition.

Being a good Christian does not mean you must martyr yourself or allow others to martyr you. Your duties and obligations are clear. The good Christians I know make a practice of speaking truth to power.

That said, I wish you comfort and peace of mind, and that your time with your wife should be as pleasant and loving as possible.