Do I dress to affect a feminine appearance?

[Anne Bonny]

Hi Noeleena,

I was wondering If I answered your question? And mainly my sister confirms seeing me rubbing my grandmother's leg to feel her stocking, at about age 3- 4?? I remember my sister telling me she always wished she had a little sister and briefly in play in the back part of the house she slipped a dress over my head but I do not remember objecting and she took it off after a few minutes from what I remember in the mists of my memory. From the "age of discovery" about age 9? I discovered girls things, silky and lacy and different also aware they were for girls. That to secretly raiding women's clothing in the garage in my teens when I was alone and sure it would be a while in my teens this is prior to the internet of course so no sense or any other thought but that this was an exclusive and secret pleasure for myself alone in all the world! And so my life has gone and I have grown and am now 57.

I believe my gender is centered on the masculine side, but the feminine spirit sweeps me away irresistibly and recently frequently. My dressing is in response to these feelings, the desire for my outward appearance to be in sync with this whatever it is a feeling? a sense? that is in my mind. The desire is so strong that it can be overwhelming and frequently was when I was younger and wanting to be alone so I could dress of course with this also came the desire for sexual release after which the feelings would subside and I could get dressed again. Today this is not always so, sometimes there is just a sensual feeling. At times my breasts are longing for the firm caress of a bra, my ears to feel the weight of my clip on hoops, a desire to feel the soft fabrics and make myself up and then I feel complete and a feeling of joy and of being connected with women, to see my feminine reflection looking back at me from the mirror especially when I see that I really do look feminine and recognize that I do indeed pick up identical feminine or female reflections back from the mirror, or feel or see my pretty legs perhaps in stockings and heels. I cannot express in words the extreme pleasure of all of these feelings because I so desire to cross into and to be feminine and female even if for only a little while to be one of the women, to be accepted and taken in and encouraged would be an extreme joy to me.

All that being said, not sure if this is a kind of mania? prior to accepting this at age 40 I tried abstinence, prayer, purging, reasoning...all total failures because I have never been able to free myself and return to being a male of exclusive male gender. I am heterosexual guess that makes me a male lesbian because I find my sexuality heightened when I am in feminine apparel and desire submission to be part time at least - I do desire an active partner who can take charge, but not exclusively - perhaps half and half?

When dressed and I do not dress to affect an appearance neither do I desire to effect mannerisms, speech patterns, or anything else - no for me I just want to dress as any normal woman would dress, I want to dress in clothing I would have worn had I been born female - and my fashion sense is growing. My personality and my voice and mannerisms are just as they are - do they change because I am feeling very feminine? No, I don't think they do if they do I am not trying on purpose to change them they would just happen naturally but as I say I am not aware of anything like this happening.
I do follow the rules when wearing a dress, legs together or knees or ankles crossed or not widely separated. I bend the knees rather than bending over to pick something up as the dress is at or above the knees but don't have too many of those. Walking with a narrower or higher heel dictates a mandatory change in how you set your foot down - that is not an affected change. I may not move fast bounding around, not caring about wide sweeping motions with my arms and hands not that I do that much. But then I am not going to be out doing hard masculine labor on the lawn, car, in the shop, or physical activity in a dress or skirt, and again I am not out jogging in appropriate feminine attire. When I wear slacks, jeans, rarely capri pants, woman's shorts and a cami or polo or other top well, in flats and sandals yeah I can move more like I normally would but I have no desire to get my feminine things dirty - If I am going to work in the yard, or on the boat or the car I will change at least outwardly to guy clothing even if I may also have on lingerie, or not.

This is long but I do not know what it is that you are trying to figure out but this is my best effort to answer your question whatever it is as best I can. Anne

[Gillian]

Why is it that people want to put so many things into either a black, or a white box. Black is the absence of light, white is a combination of the complete light spectrum. Can any one person be totally masculine, or feminine? I do believe that nature, brain wiring, and experiences make us into what we are. I had two older sisters who seemed to think that I was their own personal living doll, I can only imagine what happened. Repeat anything long enough and it get deeply ingrained into our subconscious mind. So where does CDing fit into the picture!

Quote; "When dressed and I do not dress to affect an appearance neither do I desire to effect mannerisms, speech patterns, or anything else - no for me I just want to dress as any normal woman would dress, I want to dress in clothing I would have worn had I been born female - and my fashion sense is growing. My personality and my voice and mannerisms are just as they are - do they change because I am feeling very feminine? No, I don't think they do if they do I am not trying on purpose to change them they would just happen naturally but as I say I am not aware of anything like this happening."

I am the same way, in fact one of the things I desire is to be the same person regardless of who I am with, or what I am doing. I see anything else as being hyprocrisy. This is me and I am not suggesting anyone else has to do the same. What I am saying is that who we really are should come out in how we act, speak, or carry ourselves. Acting all girly may just that, acting, so why do it? Is it really who you are, then it should be that way all the time, maybe subdued abit to not draw unnecessary attention to yourself.

At times I wonder if Cd'ers could go out dressed as they wish, would they go the whole 9 yards, or be like most women, and not worry about their hair, make up, shoes, etc. Most women dress as needed for the occasion required. Now that is freedom, wouldn't it be nice to have the same!

[Anne Bonny]

Hi Gillian! I cannot explain my dichotomy but I am just that way...when I am feeling more male ...well I do now yet I do have panties on they are more comfortable and supportive, stretchy...legs shaved, toenails glossy red but need redoing under my jeans shoes and socks - but even so I am not thinking about any of that, I am feeling male were a couple of unknowing friends of my wife's and mine not coming over not sure how I would be dressed but discretion is the better part of valor as Shakespeare said. And again when I am feeling all girly I personally desire to dress exclusively and completely in female clothing. But wait...sometimes I kind of mix things like when I don't know when my son may come home or I just want to add flat flip flops, ear rings, lipstick and a few accessories, perhaps a bra in addition to the panties I am usually wearing...Hum but sometimes I am 100% male male in dress and in sync with masculine feeling which of course comes quite naturally to me as I am a man after all but of late things have been kind of mixed with lots of under dressing going on past few months...Just being me I suppose.

[Noeleena]

Hi,
Anne.

Writeing about something and more so on or in letter form . i will allways struggle, because i was born with some issues that have stopped me from being able to write in a way that most people can .

Due to detail happening to me before during and after my birth, you know i have dislexca plus other detail , now if it were possiable for us to stand infront of each other, we would be able to .... sorry im not getting this right,

Ill explain this way, Oh dear..... okay my friends know see me talk with me we go places work together
have meals together, travel together and some im teaching to play drums Dejembe and the Arbic ,

Okay so theres not much they dont know about my self plus included is Jos and some about our family, now if you could talk to them and ask about myself as a person or what ever, you wonted to know they would tell you, i know some have taken the time to not just look it was about my whole being at stake wether i was acting or just putting it on as am i really a female or just a dam good actor, one i cant act i dont do put on , they told me they were watching very closely ,

And they all came to i am genuine a female and quite feminine in my character in my manirisms and just all out female they did not see me as or like a male they allso looked far past my facial features that did not even register at all.

Quite frankly i was taken aback very surprised and ... oh oh ooops now these people are very astute very knowing and hoinist they would not waste there time telling me this if i was lieing or just doing a put on.

From very young i did not wont to be female or male please dont misconscrew this, or others say well of cause your inbetween so you made it all up. i did not know ...WHAT... a boy or girl was, or a male or female i saw not my term = people. i thought i was normal or just hey this is me , i saw girls had long hair and skirts im not quite like them an i hmmm well no. im not quite like males am i ummm well no, oh okay okay im normal and that was it age 10.

age 17 i was told they are girls ....they are boys ...oh... to myself then im .......not like ether, i dont feel like any of them im not normal am i ...nope... oh... no names i could say what i am till about 6 years ago i heard of intersexed, whats that, you are both male and female in different aspects of who you are, remember i was not clued up on words, and meanings, or understanding of many words, let alone spell them, i had to find out what intersex meant and even then ... oh...

I did not act in a way boys or girls were, did not know how to and i was not forced in ether way,

so hopefully this will shed a bit more light on who i am. so why do i ask many ?'s is i dont understand sometimes what it means being human dumb ..a.. so no i dont have that understanding of what is a male or man or boy in the way you men do. im sorry.

if you stood in front of me and told me youd see im blank in my facial expression, i try and try. cant explain it any other way.

.....................THANK .....YOU........So much for takeing the time in answering me ...............

Thats so lovely and neat,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

Ok...sometimes I feel I don't quite fit in with men, that I am not fully a man, and I am certainly not female physically but you know I do feel more comfortable around women. That being said we are all different so though I do not hunt, fish, and have no interest in any of the college or ball sports does that make me effeminate or just different? I have different masculine interests, I do like to watch sailing - the cup races at least until technology took the boats into multi-hull designs I felt like the tradition of the race had been stolen from the mono-hull boats - I will have to just get over that. And I will have to get over all that is effecting my thinking, about my gender and just be who I am steering my own course so to speak because I am at the helm of my life. Argh! Anne Bonny

[Noeleena]

Hi.Anne.

You know the biggest issue to myself and maybe others is i dont conform to a set oh you have to be male or female ether way for me makes no difference or sence , do we all have to play the same bloody game, no and why should we because the Boss we work for says jump. if i like my Boss and i work for him he pays me then ill jump. that does not say we are tied to his apron strings , i mean if we both like the same game all well and good fact is he was a dam good Boss and treated me very well so i had no issue's about going the extra for him .

last night we had our BBQ at our Museum 24 of us was rather lovely i do lots of things apart from my dutys and no different i may not be very good being around men you and i know that , yet one guy iv known for 15 years we get on very well we both talk about the same things work trades and buildings and what ever we talk the same lingo. so get on well his wife was there, still no issue,

The other guy is on our commitee of 10 i worked in quite well with him i helped set up for food and drink now this may not mean much, i had the tea and milk coffe and what not ready hot water of cause, i told the others tea up. so when time for a 2nd cupper i said to Rob oh hang on ill boil the water again for you. .... oh thanks.... now i could have just sat there eating my food and not bothered.

So you see what im saying i maynot have that repore men have with each other i can still do things for them or talk shop. ill skirt around my lack;s and still be ... nice to them....

Oh dear, The boats...... had to laugh at that ... of cause.....yea i know,

We need to see beyound this male female issue and just see us as individgel as each of us live our life, wether some like it or not we are made up of both, how much will depend on each person.

Thing is dont sweat it or stress out about it, i dont and wont, as my saying goes this is what you see and this is what you get, get used to it, cause i ant got nothing more, and thats what you need to do as well.

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

Sounds like you have a great work situation. As I am opening up and growing life is getting a lot better for me. Anne.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Thank you Anne.

Well i think they are a neat group of people to work with, plus i have known others for many years so yes its good,

To day we had our Scottish soc bands doing comptitions 9 bands i was in front of them doing photography most of the day, plus help our group, some 150 to 200 people, a bit damp and cold other wise a nice day,

What this is about is being in front of people being seen well i am of cause even here many i know and talk with , and its not a no one knows me its most know who i am and ill see most again in normal day to day life, you have to let people see you they then accept you and know your part of the community, takes time ,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

with a laugh...We go beyond "metro" but we are not women either. Brazenly I think it is probably a good idea to accessorize. I have noticed that the cotton camisole while very similar to a men's tank type t-shirt has a muted frilliness to the seam that shows about a 1/2" above the bottom of the V of my male polo shirt. In that they used silky threading and very minute ruffling that gives an unmistakable feminine detail definitely identifying them as a woman's camisole.

What is wrong with adding a bit of shock when out and about to general society that says, "yep...I am beyond metro alright!" while largely remaining unnoticed by most around me? This is not to be a subdued exhibitionist it is just an acknowledgement that I fit into a different category male but not ashamed that I am partly feminine.

Some men have dimples in their ear lobes, not there yet but that can also make a statement with other accents OR with the wearing of ear rings that aren't masculine. For me that might be small round bobs, or perhaps small hoops - dangling things go better with overtly feminine I would think - a dress or fully dressed in women's clothing.

Longer manicured and buffed or even clear coated finger nails, or a ladie's watch.

Mixing our presentation somewhat , like a decorative neck scarf that seems to be in vogue.

Oh well, just had a thought this morning about not being afraid to wear some muted statement in public that is unmistakable but not to make a statement it is more because we should not be afraid to go out in public if what we are wearing around the house would be a little edgy it's alright because WE ARE a little edgy - it's just living and being who we are!

Of course our comfort level may vary from day to day, and if you are not comfortable leaving the house then change or remove. It is possible we may see people we know, well button the lower button as if it had come un done....

I suppose the best response would have people kind of say to their selves ..."Well, it takes all kinds..."
but acknowledgement/ acceptance or rejection it really should make no difference to us the fact is we are who we are - get over it!

In that vein I went out into the sun with my gold hoops probably glinting in the sun while moving the garbage can and checking the mail, and a lady's watch if all is known who can hurt me, why hide in shame why feel I should apologize for being who I am? Even so no neighbors in sight, may have removed the hoops, kept the watch oh and with my bra under my camisole I am sporting some modest curvieness but not that noticeable and if I go out it is cool so I would wear a light or bulkier coat to make it not so.

I suppose because I am retired I enjoy the power that comes from not having to depend on anyone to live my life. These are fledgling efforts kind of like a hatchling testing their wings - It is a growth process and I am not there yet.

We have every right to be mainstream in society. I hear it occasionally being acknowledged on the air that "crossdressing is not against the law, and there is nothing wrong with it they have every right to do it and god bless them...even one of our sound engineers dresses on the weekend...bla bla bla..." Such snippets are definite signs that society is beginning to recognize and to open up and acknowledge us. Now for SO's who are not comfortable I would bow to that and do believe in the context of a married relationship we need to compromise especially if our spouse or SO is not comfortable we should not hurt them in any way because they are there for us, accept us and love us (and so are we for them - OR WE SHOULD BE!)and that is huge. Right now my SO is completely helpless and total care and is completely unaware and is beyond caring about any of this - sadly.

I am looking at the board and know I must cool it!!!!! That I am all over the blog is not good, so I am going to make an effort not to add any new topics, to add by editing, and to try to respond to other's topics - on topic. I do apologize for having way too much of a footprint here so I will see if the above measures may help...hum...of course every time I edit a blog it moves things to the top. OK...I will go to my day in the life blog which will allow me to continue to write without bothering anybody else at least until my name clears from the board.

A final thought here before switching to my journal is that WE ARE BEAUTIFUL we love the small adornments that women use to bring out their beauty, and because we are "beyond metro" we also have every right to adorn ourselves work to enhance our beauty that desire we do have in common with women it is a definite part of who we are. And that adornment and enhancement comes out of our own innate fiminity desiring to be pretty like the women around us as we do most definitely identify with women quite a bit.