Wife's acceptence of husband's cd

[Dianna]

Let me begin by saying that I’m not an expert on the subject of wives of cd husbands. My desire would be for my wife to progress to being an involved enthusiastic and participating partner in my crossdressing. I’ve thought about this for a long time and not been able to come up with any ideas. I feel it would be wonderful should my wife actually suggest for me to dress up in the evening or dress up to go out somewhere. Maybe suggest we go shopping together to help me buy “my clothes”.

Some may feel this is wrong for me to try and may call it “manipulation” or persuade her along these lines but the outcome may well be worth it as our relationship could be much less strained. How could I encourage her to progress from being tolerant but not really accepting much less enthusiastic about my cd’ing?

So naturally I would like to share my feelings with this forum and ask others what they think? What experiences have other sisters had that may help me, and others in my same boat? Maybe some sisters have some good ideas about how to obtain a greater degree of a wife’s progress toward enthusiasm.

In this regard I’ve tried to think about a continuum of a wife’s involvement with her husband’s crossdressing and come up with the following. I’m sure others have better ideas or even additional steps in a process that wives may go through. I’m sure some or even many wives go through a heart wrenching agony when first faced with their husband’s disclosure that he is a cd. I would really like to know how I can progress my wife from midway on the chart (below) to the last step of the chart. I appreciate all suggestions, especially from all the GG’s and SO’s on the forum. Thank you!

· Wife has no knowledge, and in the dark
· Wife finds clues that are present but she is in denial
· Wife finds clues present and her suspicions are alerted
· Wife confronts husband, or, husband shares his secrete first time, albeit limited sharing, or…
· Husband shares everything with his wife
· Wife tolerates husband being a cd but doesn’t accept it
· Wife accepts husband’s fetish and is “OK” with him doing his thing
· Wife supports her husband and joins in to help him with shopping, dressing, make-up, etc
· Wife is enthusiastic and aggressive in helping her husband in his goal to dress either in private or public
· Wife is very enthusiastic and aggressive looking for ways to enhance her husband’s fetish and looks for ways to encourage him at becoming whatever he desires to become

[Gillian]

I can understand the desire of a CD'er wanting to get to the point of having total acceptance from his wife but I think you are operating within certain premises that are not realistic. The best way to explain is to look at your points.

· Wife has no knowledge, and in the dark

This is the logical starting point.

· Wife finds clues that are present but she is in denial

You are operating under the premise that she is naturally suspicious. With my wife, she didn't clue in until we had our talk.

· Wife finds clues present and her suspicions are alerted

Again see the previous comment.

· Wife confronts husband, or, husband shares his secrete first time, albeit limited sharing, or…
· Husband shares everything with his wife

I have come to the belief that it is best to tell of your habit in your timing, rather than it come out at the wrong time. It is better to be prepared, than scramble for answers when confronted.

· Wife tolerates husband being a cd but doesn’t accept it

I often wonder if a lack of acceptance has something to do with how the relationship is going in other arenas. Any rough and rocky road will only get worse adding the CD component. A strong relationship can handle problems that are thrown at it.

· Wife accepts husband’s fetish and is “OK” with him doing his thing

This may be the best possible scenerio, why up set the apple cart? To get her to be involved more may be just pushing your luck.

· Wife supports her husband and joins in to help him with shopping, dressing, make-up, etc

If your "hobby" was model railroading, would you expect her to go with you to all of the hobby shops? Don't expect her to imbrace your hobby as you do. Yet my wife does help and occasionally does buy me stuff.

· Wife is enthusiastic and aggressive in helping her husband in his goal to dress either in private or public

Now you are hoping that she will not only go to the hobby shop with you, but help you build your layout too. This kind of committment to your hobby is quite an imbracement. So what of her hobbies to you imbrace? What areas of her life do you take an active part in?

· Wife is very enthusiastic and aggressive looking for ways to enhance her husband’s fetish and looks for ways to encourage him at becoming whatever he desires to become

If you can find, or get a woman like this, don't ever let her go. She is over, above and beyond what most CD'ers ever dream of.

I find that it is human nature to push the envelope in almost every area of life. This is how we progress into new inventions, tech developments, etc. If we extend that kind of thinking to relationships it can cause problems. When it comes to CD habits, the best thing to do is slow and steady wins the race. I have been out of the closet with my wife for just under 20 years. The first 5 moved slowly, but the last 5 very quickly. Essentially I have everything I would want within the CD experience, and I had a peaceful home in the process. Life is a journey, not a destination, and journeys take time. Don't be in a rush to get to your destination, enjoy the journey regardless of the detours.

[DonnaT]

If you can figure that out, right a how-to book. You'll be rich

[Kelly]

Simply put, your wife needs to perceive or achieve an upside. It is up to you to provide it. Or, perhaps, she sees a downside. It is up to you to mitigate the perception.

Lets talk about the downside. Remember, when you had 'the talk' and subsequent conversations with your wife you did not come out of the closet. You just invited her into it. That is, unless everyone and anyone is fully aware of your CDing.

So now she has, in confidence, an intense secret. A secret that cannot be shared, can't be talked about, can't be confided to friends and family. That is a burden that is hard to bear. Given the societal attitude towards cross dressing, it just has to be hard for her.

It could be that she is of the mind that this world it tilted towards advantage men. Why then would you want to emulate the disadvantaged position?

Upside. What is in it for her. When you get stuff on a shopping spree, does she? Is she frugal with her wardrobe budget but you have the guy's 'if I need it I'll buy it' attitude. Does she really want you as a girlfriend? When wives get together they gossip about their husbands (I have overheard such), the brag or lament over their kids. Where would you fit into such a conversation? These are just a few that immediately come to mind, I'm sure there are bunches I have overlooked.

Bottom line is for you to benefit from her becoming more involved and supportive, she has to derive equal or more benefit.

Yea, its tough. I worry about these kind of issues every day.

Kelly.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dianna,

Does your wife know? How long have you been together and are kids still at home? After bottling up the CD urge, raising a family, it seems the CD'er pushes limits when they get older.

Briefly, here's our timeline and my thoughts.
Married for 33 years now, I hadn't a clue till about 10 years ago. Tiny hints that evenings out with buddies or internet conversations were different. Of course, I suspected the worst, another woman.
Searching for clues, (I'm not snooping, I'm cleaning. Besides, it's my house too!) I began to suspect even worse, he might be dating other men. WTH? Afraid to find out what I believed to be the truth, I became distant.
Oh, and here's a hint, clear your internet searches, guys. You don't have to be tech savy to see what's been looked up recently. Only later did I find that my poor dear was as confused as I was, literally searching in all the wrong places. CD dating forums and hook up sites.

Things grew worse between us, suspicion and lies. Till finally, the big confrontation! It took a while, but I am relieved that cross dressing is all he does. From then on, we are learning together what this compulsion is about.

There are boundaries not to be crossed. He can not out himself to friends and neighbors, I live in this community also. I've gone out with the 'girlfriends' and have had a great time. Just a group of deep voiced women having a good time.
Dressing at home is OK occasionally, I do not want to live with a woman. We go through catalogs together, discussing what looks nice for either of us. It's nice to know what he thinks might look good on me instead of a dumb husband shrugging a 'I don't know' and blank stares.

Am I enthusiastic? Sometimes, usually not though. Human nature can't be changed. He's a wonderful husband and good father. So he likes to dress female now and then. It could be something a lot worse. At least getting dressed pretty is something I can participate in.

He has lost his guilty feelings and we are more open with each other. A long time marriage can become a rut, stale, or routine. We have a renewed relationship, understanding each others needs.

Eileen

[Hope]

Hmmm....does your wife get an 'upside' Strangely enough, in my case I believe she feels she does!

Foremost I think the benefit she feels inside is....she is helping me. That makes her feel good as well. It's hard to say it without sounding full of myself, but perhaps some of the SO's might chime in here?

The 'materialistic' upside....when I get a new dress, does she? Anytime she wants one!

She has been so supportive in my annual 'vacation' from being ME. I so look forward to several weeks of being 'the housewife' and I take care of all the domestic chores. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything. Normally we actually share all these responsibilities, but during my vacation periods, she can just....well do whatever she wants. I try to wait on her hand and foot, and love doing it. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling from taking care of her for a change. I think that's a little like what I was suggesting when I said she feels nice about helping me and supporting my 'hobby'.

Now, she suggests she is more than happy to have 'the housekeeper' in whenever, and for as long as I can get her to stay. LOL. I think she likes the vacations nearly as much as I do.

I have to say though...I don't especially like the ironing....LOL

[Dianna]

I want to thank each of you for presenting such thoughtful comments. The comments by Gillian, Kelly & Hope were excellent and made me rethink my approach to trying to gain greater acceptance from my wife. I realize that I will need to much more strongly consider my wife’s feelings and try to determine what’s in it for her to more actively participate in my “hobby” or interest in feeling like a woman. Comments by Eileen (SO) really hit the mark for me and Eileen’s comments hit home with so many commonalities with my situation and hers that I want to express a special sincere appreciation for the time Eileen took to share her objective comments. Participation and comments from members on this forum are invaluable in helping us achive a better understanding of ourselves and our feelings.

In response to some of Eileen’s questions…yes my wife has known about my desires and my dressing in woman's clothes for twenty or so years now. When I dress (at home) she never criticizes me and usually goes along with whatever I do at the time. (The wine helps)! You’re correct about urges when we get older. We’ve been married almost 57 years now, having gotten married when we were teens. We do live alone and this is where I dress, or when we cruise. Like you and your husband we have boundaries not to be crossed, as we also can’t afford to be open with either our family, friends or neighbors. So we live my fetish in secrete. We do go out shopping and my wife helps me shop for things I can wear. These shopping trips are always very exciting for me. I would love for my wife to actually be a little aggressive and suggest when it’s time for me to dress up but she never does this so my dressing is very infrequent although it’s almost constantly on my mind. I guess that is why I want her to be more involved with my hobby so I could dress more often.

Eileen, your comments are encouraging and give me hope that someday my wife will be more understanding as you are. Your husband is a lucky “girl”!

[Kittie]

How & when do you dress femme on a cruise. I'd love to go I am, goin g onm on e n xt Juyne

[Dianna]

There are certain cruises that cater to GLBT groups. You can Google for specifics. They are GLBT friendly. Since my wife restricts my public dressing to "half" dressing I dress from the neck down in lady clothes that are almost gender neutral. The slacks have the lady fly (right over left) and same for the blouse. I wear tight stretchy lady jeans with my privates neatly tucked under with strong elastic girdle panties. I wear a lady bracelet, watch & necklace. That's the only way my wife will be seen with me! I dress for an evening out in dark bars & lounges so not many ever notice. It makes me feel as good as possible and I accept and respect my wife's feelings.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dianna,

I hope you understand that while I am an accepting wife, I'm very nervous any time he gets femme. Shopping together is stressful and fun at the same time. More the stressful. He's all thrilled to be out, I think that even though his look is right, people can tell. We've gone go to very accepting places and had fun. Casual errands around town just makes me fearful of his/her being discovered. I would have to live with the stigma of having a trans partner, regardless of if or when I was aware. Going shopping with a girlfriend is one thing, when the girlfriend is your husband is quite another.

Eileen

[Dianna]

Eileen,
This is why I am careful not to place us in a position that would embarrass my wife. I love her dearly and would never want to place her in such a position. I'm very grateful that she allows me what freedom she does. I know that she would rather that I not indulge in my "hobby" and I sometimes feel so guilty that I try hard not to do so.
I guess if I were a stronger person I could fight harder and not ever cd and at times I do try...but usually revert back and give in. When we shop I'm in a man's clothes. And like I said I only dress when we're on a cruise ship, at night in a dark club and in almost neutral clothes. I believe it was you that mentioned that it was likely only a woman would observe that I was wearing a lady's slacks and blouse. I said my wife was accepting but she doesn't ever want to talk about it or bring it up. I have to initiate any conversation about "let's go shopping" or "can you help me with my make up"? It's embarrassing for me to do this and adds to my guilt feelings. It's something I deal with and think about everyday. I really wish I knew the answer or how to control these feelings I have. I'll bet your husband has many of the same feelings but he obviously has been able to overcome his fear of "outing" herself or being found out that he's a cd'er. I'm not there yet! And may never be! But this forum has already helped me deal with my thoughts and emotions. But I feel it's only the beginning of the journey.

[Eileen (SO)]

It's conversations like this one that helps me understand what my husband feels as normal. I dislike the term 'fetish', it's how the gender part of his brain is wired. Probably there are more men with the same desires than will admit it.
Sometimes he partially dresses around the home to 'feel right'. I do offer some helpful hints concerning wardrobe choices. Why do CDs claim they want to pass in public and then wear skirts too short or dresses to tight? Dress like your age and work on mannerisms. Women are more tuned into how others are dressed, acting female helps so much in passing.
When he goes out femme, I'm mostly nervous as she leaves the house and is still in the neighborhood. We have gone shopping together as two women, never at stores nearby. A few times grocery shopping, that was my little revenge. You want to act like a women, shop for the food too! Not every chore is walking around looking pretty.
The times I can let my guard down, sure that we won't be noticed, it can be fun. Mostly amusing as he discovers all the little annoyances of being a woman.

Eileen

[Dianna]

I'm sure this reply will generate many comments but that's what the forum is all about...

I personally enjoy dressing because it provides an adrenalin rush while I'm dressed. Even more so when I'm in public. It's not a sexual rush, although I believe there is a sexual component to the rush I experience. I'm not sure there is any single answer but likely an answer for every individual that enjoys the cd lifestyle. For married heterosexual men I think there's likely a completely different set of circumstances that create "that" enjoyable feeling that stimulates the senses. Having a wife (SO) like you certainly helps the husband's desires. My wife on the other hand actually creates a climate that deters me from dressing. I guess you might even call her the "traffic cop" that controls our public exposure which is likely a good thing! As far as passing in public...I feel I'm much too ugly for that which is why I dress as I mentioned, from the neck down in almost unisex clothes. The clothes still allow me to feel "right" but honors and respects my wife's desires not to be seen with me in drag. We've been married for 57 years and I'm not about to throw that investment away!

[Absaroka]

wife finds it mildly irritating, doesn't want to be bothered..............



Also ask yourself how you'd feel about your wife with a full beard.