My Peggy Lee Moment

[Kelly]

A while back I made a post (http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... =7&t=15946" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;) about my most recent outing. I mentioned there were some new emotions swilling around. Guess its time to talk about some of them.

Let me reiterate, first, that I really did have a good time. There was one store that had a large selection of scarves where I think I played for half an hour. Bought some shoes. And then there was that turquois gown in Nordi's that I could take my eyes off (couldn't fit into either, oh well). The company was great, we shopped and gabbed pretty much all night.

Here is the unexpected strange part.

When the night was over, all of the urges, all of the pent up desires which I have felt (and suppressed) for year - decades - were totally gone. I'm totally satiated. I wasn't immediately anticipating my next time out (though we did make some tentative plans). I am stuck by the feeling of the Peggy Lee song, "Is that all there is".

It wasn't so long ago that I was in the thickest of fogs that surely someone wanted to track me down and remove all razor blades from my house. The swing is remarkable; normally I am pretty even keeled.

But Kelly, you might be saying, you have been engaged in the forum since then, what's up? Your right, I have been engaged. I have friends that I care about here and want to stay in touch. But, I don't visit a couple of times a day, haven't been posting as often.

It is very strange. Feelings, sometimes intense, that have always been there aren't. When I notice, it is like something is missing. It may be missing, but do I miss it? Honestly, No. Do I want it to all come back? Not really. Life just seems a whole lot less complicated.

Do I think I'll every feel the need to dress up again? Of course, it will come back, I'm not so naïve to think otherwise. I just hope it doesn't feel like I'm hit by a freight train.

Ever the analytical type, I try to figure out why or how this happened. Ultimately, there probably is no real rhyme or reason; but the human mind struggles for explanation, for understanding. I have a couple of, not necessarily competing, theories.

First, the physical, fem Kelly may have been there, but the, fem, Kelly persona was a no show for what ever reason. Some evidence but it is weak. I did go goo-goo over some fashion items. Even though I say my friend and I were gabbing on, there were other times where I was my usual introverted and intense self. Not unlike when I am navigating amongst the booths at some gawdawful trade show.

Second theory is that I passed so easily that it was a disappointment!! Now I was in a busy mall, every body there had their own mission and was focused on it. Maybe Hulk Hogan could have put on a skirt and sweeter an nobody would have noticed; I don't know. Maybe my thrill is in being caught and dealing with it; or just skirt (sic) being caught. It was, ok I'm passing as a woman, but I am still deep down just the same old me.

Maybe I am more into thinking about and conspiring to crossdress than really doing it. Don't know.

As I have stated before, I'm from Mars. I just like to take a day trip to Venus once and a while. Maybe on the last trip there was the sense of been here too often, maybe something else is in order.

Maybe it is just the nature of the beast, the affliction, the blessing, the gift. It is cyclical and on that particular night I was in the bottom of the cycle.

When people say that the cross dressers lifestyle isn't easy, they sure weren't kidding!!!!

Kelly.

[Anthony Simon]

Here is the unexpected strange part.

When the night was over, all of the urges, all of the pent up desires which I have felt (and suppressed) for year - decades - were totally gone. I'm totally satiated. I wasn't immediately anticipating my next time out (though we did make some tentative plans). I am stuck by the feeling of the Peggy Lee song, "Is that all there is".

...Second theory is that I passed so easily that it was a disappointment!! Now I was in a busy mall, every body there had their own mission and was focused on it. Maybe Hulk Hogan could have put on a skirt and sweeter an nobody would have noticed; I don't know. Maybe my thrill is in being caught and dealing with it; or just skirt (sic) being caught. It was, ok I'm passing as a woman, but I am still deep down just the same old me.

Well, it could be "Is that all there is to it?". Like all it takes for you to pass in public is for you to get dressed up by someone professional. Like that was your particular mission when you went out this time, to find out if you could pass as a woman.

Because there was really no issue to it, it opens up possibilities for you in the future. Like having achieved that goal, you have as it were banked it and are, internally, processing what that means for you in your further CD life.

There's also the aspect that you're passing as a woman, but still feel like "the same old me". Perhaps you hoped to feel more like a woman. Perhaps that's another sense of "Is that all there is?"

[Carol Ann]

Kelly,

In a lot of ways I agree with you and understand, me I dress about 98% of the time go out and I get by OK but as we know you get a look now and again.

But dressing up everyday has become a norm for me and the fun of picking out undies and makeup have long gone but as you say "is that all ".

I don't know but I will say I am still a very happy camper and will keep walking down this path I have chosen to dress full time and live as a women

[DonnaT]

but I am still deep down just the same old me

Me too, and that is all I want to be.

[Anita]

Hi Kelly--
Your feelings are ones I've felt, and I've read about them from others. It's very disappointing when what is normally an "uplifting" part of your life is flat, or doesn't even feel like something you want to continue.

Since I'd encountered that when I became a (more) professional musician, I was aware that it could happen with my transformation with gender. I kept a watch for it, and whenever it happened I would recognize it as part of a cycle, as you mentioned.

I would like to think that there is part of each of us that is unchanging, a core of us that has nothing to do with pleasure and pain, highs and lows, or...male or female. This is not necessarily a religious view; there is no reason why an atheist can't subscribe to it. I can't say I've experienced it fully. I've read about other people's search for it.

IF that core is there, it is very subtle, and not something we feel on a day-to-day basis. Martial artists cultivate it, I think. Prisoners like Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who endured the concentration camps and survived, are forced to find something else within, because they see no hope “outside.”

So in some way everyone faces Peggy Lee moments, as far as I can tell. I distracted myself with lots of movement and activity when I was younger, to keep from feeling them. As an older gal, I have to look at this issue more, and keep coming to some kind of peace with it. I can’t rely on the outer world to sustain me; I have to have some sort of “emergency generator” within.

I hope you can find traction with your experiences, Kelly.

[Paulette]

Hello Kelly,

Not unusual. Always unexpected, I'd guess. That what has been such a driving force has . . . gone poof? Well, not really. But certainly gone . . . is startling.

I don't go out dressed, so this is of a different degree, but within the house and among family it's become something of little consequence how I'm dressed. Same greetings, same concerns and hobby horses, same jokes. So it's just simpler to put on shirt-pants-shoes and go about my routines and not even think about dressing unless I think about dressing - unless my body tells me it's time.

Then I just go with it. Until then. No.

After my life en femme became normalized and open (even within that limited space), rather than obsessive and secret, both urgency and frequency diminished drastically. It's not that it no longer happens, but it's not the same.

And I've heard this from others. One said that after a while you and you wife have to find new kinks. Well, we haz them too, and indulge as the interest strikes. It just doesn't make up as much of our lives as it used to. So we find other things and interests to share, or to take up individually. (The only rule is, no secrets, and no other partners without permission - that hasn't happened, but we're open to it.)

I read a pop article recently which said that happily married adults cheat, not to find variety or new experiences, but to find themselves. The same may be happening here, though it doesn't feel like that very much. Maybe it's just a different kind of growing up.

Who knows? Not I.

[OliviaM]

Kelly, you really have a great way of getting your point across and making me think. But I have been thinking about your post
All week and still don't think I have a good response. I try not to expect or predict how things will turn out. If I do get to go out dressed I hope to just enjoy and see what happens. You seem like a smart fun confidant person and like you and Anita I want occasional visits to the fem side. I really don't want to think too much about the why's or wherefores of my dressing just want to do it. Thank you all for your thoughts and posts that force me think and know that I Sam not alone.