The Hunt for Red October....

[Anne Bonny]

Hum...large, elongated...sleek...intense...RED!....what an image. I suppose sex sells!

Talking with a pen pal about my desire to find a new life partner (woman) after my wife is gone (1-2 year estimate). I have been on a dating site and reality has brought me to the conclusion (duh!) that women want a man. Oh you may hear them wine about glass ceilings, pay disparities, equality, and drone on and on on a similar line of thought but when you come right down to it most women on the subject of men sound as if nothing has changed since the dark ages...They want a M-A-N! That means big big bamboo! Muscles, strength, confident, dominant aggressive hairy, smelly, hard, deep booming voice etc. Right I mean I get the picture. Raise even a whiff of I cross dress and suddenly you are silently and secretly moved in from the list of potentials in her head over to the list of girl friends or worse - see ya! Facing that prospect I have been working myself back. I mean if you can't beat 'em, Join 'em. There is really no other choice if you want to boost your potential to find another partner. It is literally "raining women" men are outnumbered bringing the odds a little in our favor. Because I am a man I know what to do, it all comes quite naturally ... or does it? Talking with a female pen pal I wrote:

You would think...It would just go away. Oh well, perhaps when I have a life again and am not bottled up... Honestly I am a man and my personality/gender is masculine for that reason in the saying of this the other side is uneasy about it...I am what I am I suppose. Later....Oh and thanks for being there, and for telling me I am on the list of potentials I think that helps.

I know what I want, I want a woman but I also know just the thought of it (cross dressing) is like pouring cold water on any amorous thoughts a woman may have (for me) now or in the future - what am I supposed to do? I do not have a choice because I love women and time is short (20-30 years). I want to sip white Zenfidel on the beach with my woman, talk and hold hands and walk on the beach, then perhaps go to dinner for amberjack, grouper, or oysters or shrimp scampi or something....Then later who knows....I want to go sailing together, ride in my spitfire together, go see a movie, or dancing, or go for a vacation (from just being retired!! - does that mean I should go to work as a vacation? nah! I need to lay in the sand with a lime in my beer!)....

In any event until my wife is gone and I am ready after a year perhaps of getting over it only then will I be ready and free to try to start meeting women anyway. It's a ways off.

My lady pen pal wrote...To go back to an earlier comment....I could and I would date you, and yes I do know. If we had begun dating for some time and then I found out, I probably would close that door right away...because it would have come as a shock. Now that I know, and have learned about you, I'd sure go out with you! I love to do all those things too, and want to do them someday, if someone special ever comes into my life. So don't give up....I'm sure if you have convinced me of your genuine caring ways...and let's face it, some people have fetishes...makes them feel good...so does yours and it is part of you. I wouldn't have gotten it as a "oh, by the way" several dates down the road, but now that I know you, I'm cool with it, i think! Still, we are far away, and settled. I'm just saying there is no reason you can't search again when your wife passes.

That sounds so good, knowing that I can find love again.

Backing up to "feeling uneasy" about asserting "Honestly I am a man and my personality/gender is masculine" it appears I am going to have to try to work myself back a little and retrieve my man card (ha!). I do not know if that is possible for me, have I become too "feminized"? Hum....

Personality and personality traits are quite subjective. A man with a moderate masculine personality like mine (that shares some traits in common with women, and do not share some traits with strong masculine men) can because we are male state our personality and our gender are masculine, on the other hand we can also say our personality is trans gender, especially when you consider I have no choice but to put on a dress, nail polish, make up, jewelry sometimes. and that is where the "feeling uneasy" bit comes into play. Face it I am transgender always have been and always will be, even dressed fully male right now my legs are hairless, my toe nails have glossy red nail polish on them and were I to take out the nail polish remover to take it off I would feel uneasy about it I suppose because I am a girl yet I am heterosexual and I love women. So am I feminine, feminized? Hum can I walk back enough so that a woman would have time to get to know me.

I think I know the answer here - probably goes something like this just put yourself out there in your best dress, put it on the dating site, and there will be women who will take interest in you. Perhaps the other route of giving women what they want and projecting my masculine self (gee is there any of that left??) then giving them time to get to know me as I use my senses to screen a women to see if she may be likely to accept my girl side and if they do ... is that acceptance going to be more tolerance again rather than true acceptance like what my wife gave to me? I want acceptance though this time around. Even my lady pen pal is probably talking more tolerance albeit with understanding that I have to get my "jollies" which is not exactly what I am doing, I don't think women understand us, but we don't understand ourselves either!!

Gee do I even know what I want? It makes much more sense to be homosexual, go have SRS, and get married except ... I am heterosexual and the thought of a scratchy faced man who is hairy and smelly having at me ... is not anything I have ever even given any thought - blech!!! ew! want to wretch in skin crawling disgust!!! shiver! eyah!!!!! Nah... not for me. My mind is not that of a woman into a thousand intracacies of fine details and perfectionism bordering on the silly. My mind is not wired female, my body even with surgery would only be that of a mutilated male sculpted into a female shape but completely incapable of conceiving, bearing children and nursing them, no mother instinct here, no complicated soup of hormones here, no subcutaneous fat - nada.

Nope. I think like a man, like the things a man likes and finds interesting my brain is hard wired male, I have a an average sized penis, testicles, scrotum and run on the testosterone produced. My personality though not strongly dominant aggressive competitive is never the less masculine valid to view it that way because of my twig and berries! though subjectively can be viewed as trans gender.

Oh well, don't know were any of this gets me I love chasing my tail. Except for I will at least seek to date women and perhaps in that process I will be able to find one who not only does not mind the idea of a dress but would be very motivated in taking me shopping with her so we could find some pretty ones for both of us to wear. I guess that's it and I should not be stressed out about it. All things will come in time.

Dating carries no commitments, over time the right woman will come along but hopefully the rejections will at least be amicable in parting....

[DonnaT]

If you do get to the point of looking for another partner, make sure they know it's not a fetish, as it is not a sexual stimulus.

Finding someone who may be more than just tolerant may be difficult, but that may better than nothing.

[Anne Bonny]

I was just about to add something to that effect as my mind has been working on it fully enfemm...I am not "just getting my jollies" it IS more than that. I am not "enfemm" either I am a trans gender person and I am dressed. And we need love too! Get over my dress and kiss me!! I am just in my modus operandi...I am just living, and dresses are part of my wardrobe as my personality and my feelings are as they are.

[Anita]

This forum is more for CDs, and not so much transgendered folks. So one solution to this dilemma doesn't get mentioned much, and that is for two transgendered women to become partners, or a cross-dressing man to be partners with a transgendered woman. It is not an ideal situation; it involves compromise, too. However, people do find women partners in this way. I personally know at least four couples who chose this option.

This gets complicated by the fact that some of these women may not be able to have surgery, or don't want the surgery. Yet they are not "men." They live and act as women in every other way. That is part of the compromise, and it is asking a lot. It is a way to have companionship and intimacy with a woman, though.

There are TS women who have had the surgery out there, too. The best way to find them is to join a support group, where they can get to know you in a setting where they feel safe. The second option is to look for them on dating sites, but this is not a very good way to go about it, in my opinion. Many of the TS women I know have a very negative opinion of dating sites. However, it's possible to meet some that way.

I don't remember what you've said about how near a support group is. In your situation, you can't drive to a distant city and stay overnight to attend one. But you will be able to do that when the time comes to be searching for someone. The support of trans people in your own community is invaluable. You don't have to explain to them; they already know. And you might be surprised who you could form a bond with if you get to know them. This is just food for thought, Anne. I don't expect you to jump up and down and say, "Oh, yes, that's a great solution!" If you've grown up with traditional ideas of gender and marriage, this may have little appeal. It's at least an option.

[Paulette]

It's not impossible.

1. Look where you are likely to find what you want. For cross dressers that's got to be in a community where cross dressing is not unusual. The SF Bay area, Portland, New York, New Orleans.

2. Don't hide it. You don't have to dress up, but you do have to make it known - at least on your first get-together.

3. Understand that while many young people are quite open to dating or marrying a cross dresser, most young folks are quite conservative. Some will go with anything that pisses off their parents. So get to know people a bit before your dive in.

4. Join social activities where altruistic people hang out. I found happiness in public and listener-sponsored radio stations, among political activists and organizers, and at socially conscious groups - even religious groups such as the Unitarians and Quakers.

5. Be open to the unusual, and even seek it out. The weird recognize their own.

6. Yes, you can hang out with cross dresser and gender-queer groups of all kinds, but expect to find yourself there too. Ask yourself if you are truly looking for a partner or for an animatronic sex toy.

Don't give up, but don't go crazy looking. What you want probably wants you too. Be honest, be open, have fun - and share your fun with others. As a low-level but popular performer (juggling & magic) I found that people like and fall in love with those who enjoy themselves in whatever it is they do.

Good luck!