What I Learned in the Ten Years since I joined this Forum

[Elizabeth]

Hi Girls,

I haven't been around much in the last few years because it seems most of what I've learned, I learned from you and I really just don't need much support these days. I guess the most important thing that I learned over the years is that there is no right way to do this. There is no rule or set of rules or even guidelines that will work for everyone or even on particular person. Each person has to find their own way of being in the world.

On May 3 of this year, it will have been ten years since I signed up as a member here. I have lurked for a while before that, but in great secrecy making sure to delete cookies, bookmarks, history, or any other indication that I had been here. I was very scared and had been depressed and consumed with suicidal thoughts for well over ten years. Before coming here I didn't know that crossdressers and transsexuals were different things. I simply assumed that everyone that wore women's clothing was like me and secretly desired to be female.

At first I was very skeptical of those claiming they just liked dressing up, either as a turn on or for inner peace and relief from stress. I figured such people were either in denial, as I had been, or were lying to protect the relationship with their spouse or other family and friends. Over time I realized that there was this entire spectrum of feelings about being female or femininity, ranging from the person who only fantasized about dressing up, to those like me that felt we were actually born with female brains.

Three after I joined the forum I filed for divorce from my un-accepting ex-wife, told my children about me, kicked my ex-wife out and went full time. I know, that seems really fast but the truth is that I knew for a long time what had to happen, I was just afraid of the consequences. It all started several months earlier when I started therapy. I never started with the intention of addressing my gender issues, but eventually it led there. That led me to a website where I read some things written by gender therapist Gianna Israel. She said that she learned everything she knows from the community and regardless of crossdressing, homosexuality, or any other issue she advised all of her clients to get in touch with their respective communities.

Not knowing the difference, I considered crossdressers to my community and started reading this forum. Eventually I signed up and became a member. Coming here was the first time I felt loved, respected, and treated with dignity, by a peer group. It was the first time I was not ashamed to say how I really felt and felt acceptance instead of ridicule. There were girls from every walk of life, all occupations as well as economic status. Here we were all accepted and given a voice. I was amazed at the girls who were "full time". At first this seemed like something that could never happen to me. It was just impossible. But why? Why was it possible for them, but not me?

The answer was, I was not willing to bear the cost. But upon closer examination, I didn't have to worry about losing my job, because I was already disabled and on SS. My marriage was sexless and really nothing more than an agreement to share a house and raise the kids. My exwife had been having affairs for years and I really just didn't care because I felt so much resentment towards her, we were no longer in love, in fact we didn't even like each other. On top of this, because of the anger and resentments, home life was already miserable for my children as my exwife and I fought continually. I was most worried about the shame and ridicule I would bring on my children.

After almost killing myself by taking 35 Vicodin my therapist made me realize that if I could care so little about my life as to end it, couldn't I live my life as I see fit and not worry what others thought? Since if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I could always simply kill myself. She told me to make a list of everything I ever wanted to do and then put kill myself at the end of the list. Since I was killing myself at the end, I didn't have to worry about the consequences of my actions. She then added that once I started doing what I truly wanted, I would never make it to that last item. That turned out to be true.

So here I am. I have been living my life as a female for almost ten years now. Because of having a heart attack at age 45, female hormones at not an option. On top of that, I have severe Fibromyalgia which means, I am never having gender reassignment surgery. Not that I could have ever afforded it, living on SS disability. I had to get ok with knowing I was never going to have a female body. So yeah, I wear breastforms, which are silicone breasts. Not really much different than the implants that millions of women as well as transgender people everywhere have. While I admit there may be a psychological difference, in the end both are fake breasts.

None of these things really present a problem to me in my public life since no one ever sees me nude. While antiandrogens are dangerous for me, I have had the good fortune of having my testosterone levels drop to that of a female, well below the low end spectrum for a man. This has had the effect of feminizing me, without taking hormones. Some say it's a coincidence, but I like to believe I "willed" it after finding out I couldn't take hormones.

I am not sure if many of you are aware that there is great pressure from inside the transgender community to transition and have GRS. Anyone not doing this is not a "true transsexual". After ten years, I can tell you, this is hogwash. While there is a cheering section that encourages everyone to transition, no one is standing up and saying all the things that can and do go wrong. The most important of these is that even with GRS and years of hormones, one can never escape the feeling of not being a "real" woman. This is well hidden and it's difficult to get those who are post transition to admit it, but everyone of them I ever broke down, finally admitted that no matter how much better their life was, they would still never be or know what it means to be a genetic female. There is always this twinge of doubt about whether it was the right thing or not.

Another thing that is not well known is that most transsexuls, post surgery, are not "passable". We have all seen the beautiful girls that one can not tell the difference, but its the exception, not rule. Yes those who transition young enough can have remarkable results, but the average age of GRS is 52. The notion that one is going to interact with society without ever getting "made", is simply not realistic. If you are going to do this, stop worrying about the approval of family, or society including being passable. How passable one is, is not a measure of how transgender one is. I am flabbergasted by these therapists that focus on superficial things like "how feminine" one acts as a condition of transition letters. Even females don't do this. Look around, there are lots of female that look like they might be transgender men. Acting out a stereotype does not make one female or not female.

And another of the things not talked about in the transgender community is the loss of sex function. About 40% of those who transition are asexual and really have no sex drive at all. For these people the decision to give up their sexuality is easy. There is nothing to give up, so who cares. So there is this idea that if a person cares about their sexuality, then somehow they are not transgender. This is false and causes many people to make uninformed decisions. I know many transsexuals that have been greatly disappointed after GRS when they were unable to achieve orgasm. Despite being warned this could happen, most think it will not happen to them, when the truth is, that is the outcome most of the time. Orgasms are a great part of life and giving that up is a big deal. I believe that is why so many transsexuals wait until their 40's or 50's to transition after their sex drive falls. It's not discussed, but I believe it's true.

Before the 20th century there was no such thing as GRS and it didn't arrive in the US until 1975. Up until this point, transgender people lived like me. No hormones, no surgery, but a deep desire to be seen as and feel like a woman in society. I live my life as a woman. Everyone knows me as Elizabeth, my drivers license says I am female, and now even SS recognizes me as female. All with no hormones and no surgery.

Every person has to decide for themselves how they are going to be in this world. Everyone, even the prettiest transgender there are, has self doubt and wonders if they made the right decisions. That is part of life, not just for transgendered, but for everyone. In the end happiness comes from contentment. Contentment comes from having no "wants". This leaves the options of a) getting everything there is or b) being happy with what we have. I am happy being Elizabeth with my little corner of the world. While I have needs, I have no wants. I feel very blessed to have what I have.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

Hi Elizabeth--
It's good to see you on here again, and read your thoughts. It's a well-written post. Maybe I say that because I agree with many of your observations about transitioned women. I have lived through the civil wars between women who have had surgery, and those who have not, and it was deadly. Our group came through it, and is one group again. For a while, there were two groups.

Transition will not solve all one's problems, and you note that. There will always be a need for "more"--one psychologist that I read felt that it was hard-wired into us to assure survival. Accepting what is "now" can be a struggle, and appreciating the here/now can get overlooked.

Thanks for the post, Elizabeth.

[Carol Ann]

Hello my old girlfriend ,

Gee we all (us older members) have missed you .
Yep life can get very hard at times and sometimes you have got to regroup and find another way. Happiness comes from with in and I have found it a long time ago.
I am a simple cross dresser about 98% of the time but still have that 2% male inside me, well for now.

I dress regular everyday like you go out about my business and heck what can I say?, I enjoy being Carol Ann.

Sweetheart don't be a stranger from your old friends here Carol

[DonnaT]

Hi Elizabeth, nice to see you again.

[Martina Hall]

It's good to hear happy words. More power to you.

[Kelly]

Wow, Elizabeth, powerful words.

I have only been on the forum a few months, but have felt the same as you about the community. Treated with dignity, patience, support, and love. Hearing that those feeling are still there after 10 years is true testimony; reassuring.

Thank you,
Kelly

[KimberlyS]

Elizabeth it is good to hear from you and glad things are going well. I like many of you comments on living female with no srs. Many of the things you point out apply to CDers and everyone in life. How you deal with life and how happy you are in life has to do more with what is between your ears and not how you look or the situation you are in. You thought you were female and so you are and are living the life.

Stop in a bit more often I always enjoyed your posts.

Kimberlys -cd
Joe in a skirt

[Paulette]

Hello Elizabeth,

I've come to many of the same conclusions, though with a slightly different take on things. As Jungian follower, I feel that the absolutes, the ideals, exist in our minds rather than in reality. So we can never really achieve them. Similarly, I feel that we can never really know what another person feels like, only what we might feel like if we were them or imagined ourselves in their shoes.

A philosopher (Thomas Nagel) recently asked "What is it like to be a bat?" and the answer is that we can never know. We can only suppose. We can only know what it is like to be ourselves. Same with being a woman. In fact I don't believe that any woman knows what it's like to be another woman, but only what they think they might feel like if she were her.

So I accept that, regardless of SRS or hormones or just living the life, I'll never really know - because there isn't anything there to know - only our projections. For the same reason I'll never really know what it is to be a man - even though I've lived as one for 70+ years.

I only know what it is to be me. So I try to be that to the best of my ability, without illusion or fantasy or wishing. The closest I'll ever come to knowing what it's like to being someone else is though reading autobiographies and memoires, usually of people I admire.

Thank you, Elizabeth. And I hope you recognize yourself in what I wrote.

[April Rose]

Elizabeth, good to hear from you again.

Wow! That post said a lot! I have nothing really to add except; Thank you.

Well, maybe one thing; As a non transitioning, feminine man with an accepting, but wary wife, I very much agree that Self acceptance is the individual's best gift to the wider world.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Girls,

Thanks for all the wonderful replies. It's nice to see all of you doing so well and enjoying your lives. In the end, that is what matters.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you for sharing what you have learned. It really does come down to being happy with what we have. We are who we are. We must be true to ourselves...I am opening the door and finding my way of being in the world as well.