A sad realization

[Kelly]

It has been the week from hell. Making a long story short, I have had to put on my patient listening hat concerning not one, but two of my 20 something kids. To the point that we are arranging for therapy; as the issues are way out of my wife or my ball park.

Of course, these kinds of experiences will force a person to think hard about themselves and their own actions and attitudes.

The result or my reflection is that I would never pull off pumps, pearls, and a little black dress. I'm not talking about just putting them on; could do that anytime. I mean wearing them and doing it proudly and confidently, in a venue where the outfit is appropriate. Not necessarily the most gorgeous girl in the room; just not some parody of a girl in a lbd. That is pulling it off.

Compared to what the guys were dealing with, this is a silly thing. But for what ever reason it hit out of the blue, and hit me hard.

At an intellectual level I always knew it. But at the emotional level, wow, it hurt. I guess there is still a little denial to still wring out of me. Facing reality is hard.

Any way, the last few days have been crappy; both for my family and privately for myself.

With Tears,
Kelly.

[Anthony Simon]

I suppose the thing is that once the kids reach a certain age you feel now they're adults and the major part of your job (as a parent) is done. Not being a parent I don't know, I'm only looking at the outside, but that's how it looks to me.

Must be horrible for you and your wife - leave you feeling you don't know where you are. I guess the thing with the LBD is you drawing in your horns. Like you just have to see things straight and get on with it - like that's your way of coping with what's going on.

[Sarah Beth]

Your kids are still your kids no matter what age they are, and your concern for them and their well being is something that doesn't go away just because they reach a certain age. Our daughter is in her 30's and still who did she turn to when things went awry she turned to us. We ended up with a teenager living in the house again because was what was best for all concerned at the time. Yes, there were therapists involved in all this decision making process as well. When that happened my lbd along with everything else got put in storage.

I think a lot of us can really relate to what you are saying and what you are feeling because at some point we feel that way too. I realized a long time ago that I was never going to "pull off" the pumps pearls and lbd in a public situation. I still struggle with the idea that I can't really do that, especially when I'm in here and read about how someone got dressed to the nines and went out somewhere and had such a great time. So why I know this in my mind, it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

[Davita]

The reality is that women come in all shapes, sizes, builds, looks, and mannerisms. You don't have to be even average but simply far enough along on the scale to let most people see a woman or more woman than man. The reality is setting a goal to get out if that's what you want and decide what that will take. Do your makeup, practice a voice, pick an outfit that hides what you want and shows what you want. Get all the things you're worried about to an acceptable level for you. Don't be perfect -- no one is. Wait. I take that back; I'm perfect. I'm perfectly me. Not the best looker in a crowd of old fat ladies; not necessarily the smartest; not always having a perfect hair day or makeup day. I'm me and woman enough; I think very few of us would fail in the world if we set that goal and go for it.

Girls, even the effort towards the goal can feel good; to see the improvements to enjoy all the things you want to do for your womanhood. Practicing your makeup, getting your hair the way you want it... All of that is fun and if you don't make it out now, you have until you die. Go for it, girls! have fun with the effort.

[Anne Bonny]

Not sure what to say regarding your adult children, is their issue something unrelated to your dressing? Not enough info on that one but I have boys who are college age and they are asserting their independence, they have to get out there and make mistakes, it is part of how they learn, nothing you can do to change that their ears are closed mostly but occasionally they come to see your advice is not all bad.

Dressing in public. I think you have to know yourself number one, and you have to be confident number two, and you have to realize you will probably be able to get by based largely on those two things, and if what you are wearing fits in with what the other women around you are wearing - normal clothing. You are not going to wear a LBD to walmart, if you are going to a nice restaurant, or a show perhaps. Otherwise carrying yourself with assurance and confidence in shorts, capris, jeans, slacks, skirt or a casual dress. 6" stillettos would not be appropriate but wedges, or flats, or sandals...average make up and jewelry... I have to confess I have not ventured out but I would dress appropriately based of what I have observed women wearing where I plan to go. Fit in with women my age too.

[Anita]

I feel for you, Kelly. Once you've 'seen' something, like your realization about the little black dress, you can't unring the bell. There's a reality about it you can't shake.

I'm sorry to hear about the family troubles. I'm glad that therapy is an option.

[OliviaM]

Hi Kelly. Really sorry to hear about your family difficulties. We will always want to fix our kid's problems even when they are adults (mine is 42). Sometimes we can only do so much and then feel for them, love them, just be there, and go on living. I do know it is easier said than done. As for your dressing realization, sometimes we are our own worst critic and see things that aren't there. I really don't think I could say it any better than two really smart ladies like Anne and Davita, dressing appropriately for age and occasion is so important for us to blend in with the crowd. Add in the confidence factor to act like you belong and it can be done. Wish I could give you a nice hug. Hang in there and keep going.

Olivia

[Kelly]

Thanks for the kind words. Knowing there is support out there is comforting.

The issues with the guys is not involving anything illegal or substance abuse, the good news. Bad news is that neither my wife or I have a good understanding about just what is going on - it is just outside our expertise and we are probably too emotionally invested to be of any real help. Time to bring in the professionals.

Before coming to this realization I was having a talk with one of them. He was showing frustration about obtaining a some unrealistic goals. To the point of almost being delusional.

I was still in tough dad mode and said something like: after highs chool football I had to realize I was never going to be the next Dick Butkis. After two years of lessons, I was never going to play the banjo like Roy Clark. After all those years of effor I wasn't going to be remembered in 100 years for some scientific breakthrough.

And I almost said out loud (but said it in my mind) the lbd assertion. That is when a couple of things hit me. First, this wasn't the time to be tough dad. Second it was the realization that perhaps I too, was engaging in my own, private delusions. Yea, maybe I'm just drawing my horns.

The strange thing is that I intellectually have already understood that. Emotionally I guess I haven't. I understand well the notions of age appropriate and venue appropriate attire. As I have said, I don't get out much; but I do get out and I seem to pass all right. Mainly by blending in and taking advantage of the fact the everyone else is busy doing their own stuff to notice the guy in a dress.

But blending in at a time and place where elegant and classy is the order of the day, where you go to see and be seen. It is just oxymoronic. So, I'm dreaming the impossible dream. It is ok to push your self to reach the unreachable star; but sometimes you get so caught up in all that reaching you forget that it is unreachable. You remember eventually; and it disappoints.

I'll get over it. Disappointed yes. Defeated, no.

Again. Thanks for being there and thanks for letting me vent.

Hugs,
Kelly

[Anthony Simon]

I was having a talk with one of them. He was showing frustration about obtaining a some unrealistic goals. To the point of almost being delusional.

I was still in tough dad mode and said something like: after highs chool football I had to realize I was never going to be the next Dick Butkis....

And I almost said out loud (but said it in my mind) the lbd assertion. That is when a couple of things hit me. First, this wasn't the time to be tough dad. Second it was the realization that perhaps I too, was engaging in my own, private delusions...

What this made me think is how deeply invested you must be in the CDing if you can bring it up like this. I mean you've treated it like a core experience from which you draw something that exemplifies one of your lessons of life.

I'm just wondering if you think that, having sent your son to therapy, you're kind of saying what you're going through with the CDing might benefit from that sort of stuff too.

[OliviaM]

Hey Kelly. Certainly we all have unrealistic goals that seem realistic at some time and then come to realize that it really is unreachable. But it is striving for any goal or ideal whether we actually reach it or not that is important. Also, reassessing our goals to be more realistic is not a bad thing. I repeat from the last post, we can be our own worst critic. Going out dressed to a place to be seen is a realistic, scary goal. Everyone here could, when looking at what you want to wear to this event, tell you that you look fantastic. Would there still be a part of you (big or small) that would not believe? Probably. You are the only one to decide if you can or can't. I still think you have a reachable goal. And reading that you are "disappointed but not defeated" makes me feel really good, and maybe your goal will be revisited. Hope everything works out for your adults, and this is the place for venting.

Olivia

[Kelly]

Thanks Olivia, and vent I will.... Funny, I joined the haven to have fun; and I have. I've also had to work through some 'interesting' challenges as well. I real life I'm the stoic one, here all the feme energy expresses and I emote. The virtual sisterhood.

Anthony, you've hit the nail on the head again. I've often describe myself as a martian who likes an occasional day trip to venus. But, it seems more, like a core experience. I've been thinking about that.

Thinking, ha. I've identified a local support group that meets every couple of weeks. I have done serious shopping for breast forms; rather than casual browsing. The adds that various web sites are showing me all kinds of fashion opportunities. I've found an affordable off-site storeage solution. I've been watching makeup tutorials on youtube.

My behavior has changed. Don't know if it is a permanent change or I'm just moving through a fog (pink) bank. We'll see.

Kelly