Combating prejudice forging a small path out of the closet..

[Anne Bonny]

Ok, I am transgender. It seems that because I am I instantly take a huge hit in my status within society simply for who I am, I can't help being this way. I join the outcasts, women no longer want me, people do not want me around either, I am glad I do not have to work, and that I already own a home otherwise I would really be in trouble. I have to hide this part of myself from many people if I want them to stay in my life while building a group of friends who accept who I am. It is not fair but I no longer want to be in the closet, at least not fully. I am out to 18 people, about 10 have seen me dressed but though my sons know I still feel a quiet tolerence, they do not want a transgender father but what can I do about that, I am.

Thinking about this... I am always thinking...NO WE TAKE NO "HIT IN ... STATUS WITHIN SOCIETY." NO WE DO NOT "JOIN THE OUTCASTS." WE DO NOT NEED TO "HIDE THIS PART" OF OURSELVES! No no no...wrong way to think about it! let's turn this on it's head! Where is our self assurance? where is our confidence? and where is our outrage and our pride to demand full status within society!? Yes, I will accept that.

The neighbor...it is dark overcast and rainy...there is a hedge separating the houses but not the front yards and drives a son is about on the far side in a riding mower...behind the house going home traffic crossing the bayou behind me stop and go about 200 feet away...I wanted to take the trash out and it is on the side away from my neighbor's house, the side facing a huge open field and the road along the bay...Ok, I'm doing it so out I go no wig, small hoops a light green t shirt from a march running event my ladies short shorts, watch necklace, sandlals - leather flip flops with my iced mauve toenails and shaved legs...I go. I know know I can be seen by traffic if people really look, how many are, if they did what are they going to get out of their cars and come over? The guy mowing the neighbor's yard was out of sight...back in the house.

Consequences are if anyone sees me who knows me, no matter who they are...permanently outed...reality...I have no friends, so what!? But that is how my mind works. I did not have a racing heart, I was not shaking no... just some heightened awareness of the risk of the neighbor seeing me...well you know...If I am ever to be out then they need to see me at some point - don't they? I am not sure how they would react. It is not a big deal to us, but it is to most of the rest of society we live in.

The only way to be truly free to dress and not be judged by anyone at all is to dress at home alone with no one expected to come over. Only during these times to I feel completely free to just be who I am. It is amazing how sensitive I am to pressures from even perceptions of others I perceive and assume having nothing to base it in. I enjoy being in women's clothing jewelry, a little make up and no one to bother me.

I went out to get a few grocery items and going through the quick checkout even with clear coated nails and the women's camisole with the slightly frilly hem peaking at the bottom of the "V" of a male shirt I senses the woman checking me out was judging me. one of my pen pal ladies lets me know, and I know that it will be difficult to find a woman because of "what I do."

Society and the world stand in judgement because we do not conform to social norms and at times it feels as if we are behind the iron curtain of totalitarian oppression. I cannot stand it I feel gee what am I an exhibitionist when I want to dress and someone is coming I have to fight the negative feelings which hold me back and tell myself no you are not an exhibitionist, you have every right to just be who you are. I know that but I am still sensitive to it, and It makes me feel bad about myself and about dressing.

Well... tough?! I simply have to develop a thick skin and get over it. Be confident, be positive, and forge ahead anyway because I have the right to be who I am as much as anyone else does on the planet. If they do not like me or it...tough.

[Noeleena]

Hi Anne ,

Combating Prejudice, not a word I use if ever , Combating the Elements would be more my thing living and working down south at Antarctica ,
Prejudice cant think what it means so go look it up......okay prejudgment,unfavorable, negative evaluation, unreasonable attitude,

Oh dear too many big words and cant spell them .... allrighty then == my term small minded and not wonting to get to know .

I get the impression of confronting people from what your saying in regard to how you go about talking with or to people ,

I approched people who I knew and had a quiet talk... with them... not to them , and explained my difference same as I did to large groups of people 1000,s. and I invited them to be part of my life in all aspects nothing hidden well there was no need ,

out cast, no way I was invited in to their hearts to be around them work with them and be a friend to them ,

negative feelings , only about how I look facial wise , nothing at all about what I wear .

What your saying I get this is about you having to do this by your self ,

Did you know that when you invite people friends and family into your most closest part of you your inner feelings you know that dark deep hidden away inner core of you as a person you open up a very big part of who you are , stop hiding stop playing this game of hide away and count to 100 , look out here I come ,

you are not opening up bear it all face up to the fact of you don't have a real life because you keep it hidden , okay how many skeletons have you hidden away that you don't wont to talk about let alone to friends , fears frustrastions anger lack of drive feeling hopeless and helpless , any thing come to mind .
iv got many and others know lacks and all kinds of frustrations , the one detail I don't have is not being honist and up front with people im not afraid to talk about it and explain why im different , if you take this on board what I say now may just help you, some detail,s may be similar , okay .

I was born different because my body did not get every detail in the right order to make me ether a male or female my body had things go wrong and the bits were mismatched hence why im not complete in my body and or mind , so what you see is the result of why im like I am ,

And when you think about it as a % im one of 10,000 around the world not many yet I know theres more just that's all the info I have to date ,

You said to get a tough skin like toughen up ,.... really.... and what will that do make you hard and have an attitude that others would say don't have any thing to do with that person because of .....attitude .

be soft be loving and like poor ducky let the water run gently off your back and swim serenely down the river on a lovely sunday afternoon enjoying the time you have ,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I hear you..you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar...

I am within an hair of just blurting it out to everyone..."I am transgender."

In the american south...known as "the bible belt" the environment is really smotheringly ... well. here is what I wrote this morning about our Supreme Court legalizing Gay Marrage in all 50 states:

I am glad that those who would impose their beliefs on all of society were told no you can't do that. You can live your beliefs, you have freedom of speech...freedom to vote...freedom to worship and preach in the place where you hold your religious ceremonies but you have no right to enter the market place to try to impose your beliefs or religious ways on others who are not adherents of your beliefs. Oh..you can try to proselytize but if told I'm not interested...or leave me alone...or screw you...then you must like the Jehova's witness at my door with a copy of the watchtower in his hand get stuffed and go away idiot! you are not free to tell others you have no right to exist..live..work..own or rent a home..or marry. No you cannot seek to marginalize them or try to force them to go live under a rock...they have the same rights as you...priggish prude! They are free to be who they are, you are free not to like it but you do not have a right to try to deny their right to be who they are openly with the same rights as everybody else. And it does go both ways there should be a respect for everyone and who they are leave them alone and do not impose your ways on others because then you do to them what they were doing to you and you become just like them. It is a form of tyranny..and part of that is what was struck down yesterday. I have had enough of religious priggish prudes go away. I am an agnostic who believes in reason and objective reality but I do not seek to smother others with it or to impose it on others. We are all free to live as we choose. Bugger off! And go away! No! I don't want what you are selling...and you might try some beano next time you go to somebody's door!

I live in this milieu but I am sure it is somewhat the same everywhere on earth except in some places, Robyn tells me California is nice...and I am sure in some areas of rural Australia there are very open minded towns, you seem happy.

Yeah...I think I am just trying to work out of nearly a lifetime of hiding under a rock.

Right now seems my moon is in the masculine house...I have just been bummed out lately, tired. Lots going on and living under what is essentially house arrest...hum living house bound would be better 24/7x6 years I am living as a caregiver the movie groundhog day only in reality it is very hard mentally to be physically fit and active but tied down like a dog tied to a stake in the yard and knowing literally that another 24 hours of my life have been subtracted from my life while I am stuck here caring for my wife, nothing I can do about that. I am a sole caregiver no family or friends, not even professionals are able to lift her for the transfers - too heavy.

I feel the pressures as above of being transgender and what it means - that 99% of women would treat me as a pariah it seems. It is just so crazy mentally I literally go back and forth masculine...then the moon is in the feminine house... I do quite literally bounce back and forth.

well life has it's frustrations.