Another goal met Exercise #4

[Anne Bonny]

Well I did it. Put it all on Make up, Jewelry, Navy Blue with small white Polka dot dress, purse. I got into my car and was off at first just to drive, then with purpose. I had been wanting to drive way down through traffic through many 4 way stops, and stop lights to Starbucks (the diversity people...lol). So I turned into the strip mall Parking lot, Starbucks is on the corner of a big 4 way interchange...drove around to the speaker a lady came on, I gave my order a small Mocha Latte Skinny...$3 something... (I had had on earlier today 360 + 160...hum 520 calories...skip some stuff tonight to keep it under 1075 calories, drink more water!)... Drove around to a guy with a beard who was non plussed! took my money, made change and I waited, finally they handed it to me. I told him...well I can check another one off and drove off. Got back in traffic and took the long way home, drove through our old neighborhood, back on the road then on to home. Oh I did stop park get out and walk about 25 feet just to be out in late afternoon in public but there was no one around. On the way back I must be acclimating to all of this because I thought "THIS IS EASY!" I am not concerned, I am relaxed, and almost feel like next time I need to actually get out of the car and go in somewhere...but where? Or perhaps the next step is just to get out and window shop a little where there are people coming and going, then following that actually go in and ... well the thought was to go in and purchase some panties?? But I have panties... Oh...perhaps Payless to purchase some high heeled sandals just 3" but not sure they would carry a 12 C....hum.

I suppose without the coaching of a psychologist....I am accomplishing my goal which is to be able to go out as Anne. I recommend this method once you have your frame of mind right. You must be absolutely certain of who you are, and you have to be confident then you have to be a little brazen and keep challenging yourself. I think If I were in San Francisco with a group of gurls and we went out together I would be just fine, hey...let's go out to eat and then go dancing later! yeah!!!

I am still not fully out to the world. My wife's family, the MIL, and my wife's friend who drives her mother and my oldest sister who is too traditional do not know, I am not sure at least until either my wife, or the MIL passes when I will post it all on Face Book but I got off face book, the account is there with loads of pictures but none of Anne or about any of this part of who I am. I am fortunate to live 80 miles and in another state from any of my wife's family, and hundreds of miles from my oldest sister so my freedom is just really tremendous.

This is huge...for me probably not for most on this site but for me getting out into public and outside my own home as Anne is astronomically over the moon from when I was deep in the closet and no one knew...before I told my wife way back in 1998. We are still married, had a wonderful happy marriage but for the past 6 I have been her sole caregiver as she has severe dementia and is now total care.

I only went out for the Latte because she was in bed resting, head of bed up with the oxygen on, she is not even able to sit up let alone move in the bed without help. I will have to get her up in a little while to clean her up again if then get her to the table for dinner.

Anyway Yeah!!!

[Gina L.]

Ann, I am delighted to read your post and see you are in an upbeat mood. It must be very hard to be positive in your situation, but you have persevered, well done.

[April Rose]

Glad you had a good day, Anne. You deserve it.

[Michelle Diane]

Congratulations Anne, I'm so pleased for you that you went out and about. The first time out IS huge for all of us it's another step forward.

Anne may I take this opportunity to offer my heartfelt thanks for what you do for your wife. There are many out there who simply wouldn't or couldn't do it I know it cant be easy. I gave up my job and moved back home to be a carer for my dad when his COPD was advanced as my mum was less than conc..... Let's just leave it there.

So from one carer to another...Thankyou.

Love,
Michelle.

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks. And thanks fellow caregiver...the hospice ladies and our sitter have told me my care is outstanding, and that very few men do what I am doing...I think it comes from Anne as my nursing career probably did too. You do not reach retirement in the military medical field if you are incompetent or lazy. I was a competent, solid nurse so I have some pride in that. I know I did what I could to help people, not blow them off as some did on occasion. If someone came to me with a need I made sure I met their need as best I could that is nursing. My wife gave me a measure of acceptance and tolerance that may also be part of my drive to take care of her to the end, those women are like gold for us, I will miss her. But I also took my marriage vows very seriously...it was a vow, a promise and I am an honorable person because I was a good partner for her as she was for me. I never ran around on her, or even looked at another woman, never got physical with her...oh we had some arguments but the vast majority of our married life, our partnership, our relationship was years of a wonderful marriage. On seeing her all my stress would drop at the end of the day and I was filled with joy. Why would I, how could I ever do anything else but what I am and have been doing for her to the best of my ability, she would have done the same for me. Yes...Relationships like this are very real, they do exist. I know of all the truly rotten things I have ever regretted doing as a person...caring for my wife to the bitter end is not one of them, our wonderful marriage together for 18 good years too. We were married August 31, 1991...the bad years are dementia years, sad years, years of managing decline...very sad the real marriage ended really 6 years back when I really had to step up to take care of her to ensure her safety etc from then on.