The change that comes when gender shifts.

[Anne Bonny]

I have been seated on my masculine side past two days...rather grouchy, angry, bored with the routine then in the midst of feeding my wife at the bedside suddenly I had the desire to change into something pretty and feminine...so off with everything on with bra, panties, prostheic breasts...on with my feminine sandals as I slide into a pretty dress, snap on my new pretty white multistring watch, some beads and silver clip on hoops, fix my hair grab my feminine readers and dab on some lipstick...

The freedom! I for all that is in me cannot understand why women object to our moving into our feminine selves. Who am I harming? Suddenly I feel more calm, I feel happier, and I am just a better person when Anne comes to visit.

So I finished feeding my wife, and came to write this down. There is a difference that is really quite remarkable changing completely how I feel inside.

So...my wife is settled until PM medication and care at 9:30 or 10pm so I can just relax and feed myself and enjoy whatever is on...perhaps netflix. The frustration is that there is no acceptance of men who are like this. Who is hurt, why can't we find women who can love all of who we are no matter the gender we happen to be in...it is sad. But I am glad I have the freedom to dress pretty much whenever I desire and as long as it lasts...hum nightgown tonight suppose tomorrow I will order a couple new ones. After that a new dress and perhaps a new skirt and top and then I should be done for a while, well I do have a ring sizer coming so I can order a feminine ring or two to add to my jewelry collection then that will be it.

I am happy to be me.

[Paulette]

This is one of the things I'm looking for in estrogen.

Two things you might do, Anne.

1. check your color perception, your taste (hot, cold, sweet sour, savory, etc.), and your sense of touch - do things feel different to you - how?

2. If you work in a clinic or hospital you may be able to get a quick check on your hormone levels, and see if there is any difference between when you feel fem and when male.

I'm curious, and I'd bet others here are, too.

[Anne Bonny]

I cannot speak to any of that, and I am now retired have not been able to work because caring for a demented person eats your life alive, and if you try to employ a sitter at $16 an hour for 12 hour days 5 days a week you transfer all that you have earned to the sitter with very little left for yourself, plus the sitter may get sick, be late, go on vacation, or may just not show and what then ... the medical field accepts no excuse you are there early and every time or your employment could be at risk of termination, plus if needed nursing may require you to stay hours past your shift...so I opted to retire retire. This was the correct decision because the stress of being a caregiver alone is enough in itself.

Hence I would, like you have to book an appointment for testing with an endocrinologist and no one just tests for such things...they may if you are diagnosed as transgender offer to prescribe HRT if desired and requested and then they would definitely check your hormone levels and other things to assess the risks.

Sometimes I state when I miss things..."I should have been a Nurse!" sarcastically because my powers of observation are not always the best. If something like a large elephant standing in the middle of the room is present I will notice ha! Perhaps not that bad but I will try to remember next time to try some things. Really I do not believe so though...it is more a change in how I feel internally.

Here in the deeeeep south back water of the coast the psychologist I saw had little experience and told me he thought it was because we see no problem and no need to see a psychologist hence he had little experience.... I am simply not able to travel long distances on a regular basis to talk to someone.

I really wonder if I saw someone who is experienced about what they would tell me? These little issues I have may seem huge to me, as If I have a large tumor on my nose but the professional only sees a freckle and sends me on my way aggravated that I have wasted their time.

Thing is...my experience has effected my entire life since I was a child. These feelings do come and struggle as I did over the years all effort to be a cis gendered male failed miserably I believe because it is hard wired in me and that cannot be changed. I am what a "transvestite", nice term "Cross dresser", fancier term "gender fluid", General term "Transgender", and nasty epithet by idiots in society who know nothing at all "pervert!" "Homo", "Transvestite!" "Cross Dresser" which all mean the same thing to them. Screw them!

I do have a problem being a male, I do not embrace and find it a comfortable and natural role for me to be. It is something I am forced to bear much like a pack mule has to bear a load placed on it's back, it is stressful, and we are forced to bear responsibilities which weigh on us as a huge burden. I find I am just different from most men as I observe how they are I am revolted...what jerks! they are abrasive, overbearing, domineering, arrogant, and pushy, insensitive, demanding their will and way be taken on things. And I recoil from such men...yet I must admit that when seated on the masculine side of my gender I must say that I am capable of being decisive, forceful, thoughtless and insensitive, moving fast on autopilot at work and work my will when it is just myself to consider but even so that is a step back from the testosterone infused hyper alpha male types I was talking about. I am just not like that at all I mean really where ever my gender is at the moment. ...I am more open to consider and to think about alternatives and am willing to talk to others to figure what to do. If there is no one and the decisions are for myself I have no problem doing what works best.... I am just different. I am sensitive, I care and things matter deeply to me.

Hum I wonder...I bet there are women out there who would think "You're a poor excuse for a male...you should be clipped and have your balls taken from you!" Hum...perhaps they are right in a sense. But then they would have to clip any man who is less than an abrasive alpha male jerk and that is all they would be left to..or at the mercy of rather and they would find for their selves no gentlemen which I do consider myself to be on my male side.

I do like many of the same things men do but I am not that into sports, hunting or fishing, auto mechanics and fast cars but does not mean I don't like them. Oh well...

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF MY LONG RAMBLING POSTS NO ONE CARES TO READ...I KNOW THAT BUT STUCK HERE I HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME ON MY HANDS. Hence I sit and ponder and think and analyze and enjoy using my brain to write to pass the time. You can only watch so much television before you turn elsewhere for an outlet and the internet is a huge favorite with me. So please cut me some slack, or as we pirates say give me some leeway.