Am I mentally ill and delusional?

[Anne Bonny]

So. Am I mentally ill and delusional? If mentally ill is being nonfunctional alone than I am not. I have led a very responsible and I am sure many would say I have led a successful life having achieved my goals and providing for my wife and children while ensuring all our obligations have been met. I have managed our money responsibly, insurance...and the rest. I did inherit and I cannot count any of that except to say had I not been a good son I would not have. But I am not a girl, though all of my life I have wanted or wished or to be a lot of the time the time felt internally so much I cannot resist what is inside. We have existed all through time, some are finally beginning to cut us some slack. suppose I should count myself lucky that I am conventional mostly but have never been able to be fully. Well I am 60. I suppose because the vast majority of society feel they get to define what they consider to be normal right or wrong because they are the vast majority we are at the least seen as unusual..

Speaking wet two friends I received this outstanding reply:

I don't believe you are delusional.

I mean maybe we can all get disillusioned and become delusional under extreme stress. Circumstances can cause us to lose mental clarity... But mentally ill and delusional as an avg state of mind: no. I believe we all have our moments, but that doesn't mean we can't cope and function majority of the time.

Ok , So you do see who I am as being a valid and unique even if unusual person. Thanks.

I think if you were in complete denial that you were actually born with male parts and didn't realize the difference between the body you were born with and how you feel inside... That would be delusional. You wish to look how you feel inside, there's a difference. If I believed I were a cat and didn't know I was born as a human, that would be delusional. There is a difference in having a desire to dress a certain way and believing something that isn't based on what modern humanity views as fact or reality.

I am a certain way inside, so who says only women get to wear make up, adorn their selves, and wear certain things and no one else can. Really only convention labels clothing by sex. Isn't it funny on the label of some women's clothing it actually says "Women's" just in case a male picks a dress or top up to put on by mistake I suppose...or is it to reinforce to women or to men like us that we are women!? I mean "women" for the men like me.

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Friend...Many or Most trans people are not in denial thinking their body is something it isn't. More likely they feel more like the opposite gender in their mindset and wish that their body and outward appearance represents how they feel.
I won't say there aren't delusional people out there... But putting on a skirt or dress no matter what genitals you have doesn't equal delusional. People that believe that are delusional and neglecting logic.

That's right! Gaw! You are making my mouth fall open in astonishment this has all been so beneficial for me in helping me to see and to advance in my thinking. This is very real progress and i am excited about it. I have been dressing every day for exactly those reasons the opposite kind of gender mindset and desiring consistency outwardly with who I feel that I am on the inside and all while knowing I have a male body but that my body does not define who I am completely. This is phenomenal stuff that really helps me inside. I mean sometimes I feel dressing even around women who know...a little unsure but this clears it all up for me and as far as dressing infront of anybody other than considering who not to dress in front of, who to tell, and then do I want to go out but that is all on me and is my own choice as it should be for my own personal reasons but I know it is not because there is anything wrong with me so it makes a huge difference! Thanks!


You're Welcome
Glad my input helps.

[Lacey Hadley]

I have a disorder. It is not hard for me to admit this. What I do is not 'normal' among the greater male population. It's not some evil disease or illness though. I do not feel ill. My proclivity to express my feminine side in its personal to me ways and through my direct crossdressing, thinking about crossdressing at times when I'm in drab along with when dressed fully en femme I feel much like I am a female in ways I want to feel as if I were a woman. For me the clothes, hair, makeup, shoes all round out my personal expression of femininity. I over my ever more maturing in life years do have a side that when fully dressed as Lacey can imagine being desired by men. Though I have never acted on such being en femme nor would I ever in drab as in drab I have no desires to be with a man. But dressed and dolled up as Lacey I see a vibrant, fun, cute girl and wonder what men would think of her and how a man who may be into her, wine and dine her. This is not a normal thing among my male peers. It does not make me sick though. Humans are all individuals, though likely say 95% of the time we tend to act and live much alike in life and such but we are not all clones of each other.

In drab, be it life, watching t.v. or movies I see attractive females, as any other man does. At times a lustful want and imagined being with those who are 'untouchable' as such in media and movies is IMO more common than not and BTW not just males as females lust and desire too. I just happen to also see the clothes, hair, makeup and shoes from such and want to incorporate what I see and want into being Lacey.

Transgender people have a disorder too, they are not normal among the greater society as well. This does not make them sick, ill or evil. For a tger the course to deal with their disorder is often to CROSS OVER TO THE GENDER THEY FEEL THEY ARE INSIDE! Trans (cross) Gender. Matching their outward appearance to their mind, heart and soul is the most understood way of dealing with their disorder. To deny them this is akin to social crime and unethical in modern society and medicine.

No persons are in the mind, heart and soul of another person. Good people and good societies support others in finding their way and their satisfaction in life.

Some crossdressers may as they grow more mature manifest into seeing they may be transgender. A lifetime of general suppression for many a cder may have clouded the reality to some cders. Most cders though act out in cding as a part of their greater self and not as a desire to change their greater self. This feeling of need to cd will ebb and flow with life and will vary from cder to cder. For me crossdressing and my feminine side has always been there since I can remember but the feelings to crossdress as I said ebbs and flows. Life has many distractions and duties and this will affect my cding.

My disorder has maybe 3-5% of the male population share much of its feelings. I am not ill, not sick as I function relatively normally in society. My cding is abnormal among my greater male peers. Transgender persons have a disorder too, they are not ill nor sick as once especially they come to terms with being trans and get the help and support they need, they too tend to function relatively normal in society. Shaming and denying them their way hurts them and as such makes them ill.

The social and political beef I have are with transtrenders who use such airy fairy stuff for their social and political activism. THEY ARE NOT TRANSGENDER! They have no desire to cross over to the other gender (to which there are but two). They only use transgenderism as a way to be s-disturbers and to CRY BOO HOO I'M A VICTIM! Get over it and all who cry I'm a victim for all sort of reasons, all the time. Living life makes all of us victims of life at times. The real victimization is most often what we do to ourselves. The transtrender B.S. actions will hurt true trans personas and may even sweep up many cders.

[April Rose]

Personally I am perfectly willing to see traditional views of the gender binary go down in flames if it makes me even a tad more comfortable. Gender isn't one thing or another, it's a spectrum. The fact that I have functioned within a binary assumption, often at a cost to myself, does not mean I owe it anything. In some cultures neck stretching and genital mutilation are traditional values. That doesn't mean they are worth preserving.

[Anne Bonny]

Disorder...I do not believe it is a disorder but due to having an expansive gender. Neither would I call it abnormal. What is "Normal?" No...I will grant that we are unusual compared to the majority of men but we are not abnormal.

Thing is the spectrum varies and each individual's gender tends to vary to mirror that of the majority...or to just be more variable and fall out of that "norm" or usual expected limit that makes us because we fail to fit within that "norm" nothing more than unusual which is ...well variety is the spice of life...we are a bit of color in this at times rather dull world..mundane...should I stick my pinkie out!? - day to day life.

[Diana Michelle]

No Anne, you are not mentally ill nor delusional. What you are going through is what most TG individuals go through. The questioning, the angst, the denial, the wondering why, and so on are all normal reactions to realization that you are different from what society deems "normal." I know I went through them and the TGs I have talked with about it tell me similar things. IMO the next step is talking with a qualified professional to see where you are and what is the best path for you.

First off do not think talking to a therapist does not mean you are "crazy'! If anything it is the exact opposite for the crazy do not seek help. Also don't construe this as telling you that you are TG but rather telling you to talk with someone trained to help you discover what you and what is right for you.

Transgender people have a disorder too, they are not normal among the greater society as well.

I resent that remark Lacey. Back in the dark ages anything that deviated from the norm was classified as a disorder. Even when psychiatrists started to acknowledge gender dysphoria was real it was classified as a disorder. Thankfully we have come a long way. If you follow your logic that what deviates from normal to be a disorder then an individual who is left handed could be considered to have a disorder as it only afflicts anywhere from 10 to 12% of the population.

[Lacey Hadley]

Anne,

Normal is what would be seen as typical in society, cders represent about 3 to 5% of our male society. In our case genetic males are about 95+% regular male identities and not cders. 99.5+% of genetic males are not transgender, have no issues with their gender. This is what we can define as normal, observed in society.

I am abnormal, any cder or tger (MTF or FTM) are abnormal we do not fall within the typical and observed gender norms of society. IMO that is ok, being abnormal is not being ill or sick or evil. Ie: Homosexuals are also not normal, they too are abnormal. People of any minority trait are not normal, Hermaphrodites, Albinos and so on are all abnormal. Again not ill, not sick, not evil, but abnormal.

I accept I have a disorder. 95%+ of the adult population as we see it have no gender disorder or 'bent'. They are MALE or FEMALE. As humans many may have a host of other issues, abnormalities and disorders. Gender for them is not one though.

As a crossdressing male I see I am not exactly like non cding males. I am in that 3-4-5% of male society. I have a feminine side and a proclivity to dress in women's clothes, wear their shoes and boots and even their cosmetics, even wear wigs to fit a female hair style... THAT IS OK! IT IS ME! I have found at this point in my life I am not of a need to be transgender. My feminine ideals and need to cd is not a burning need to live my life as trans woman. Others who are trans are even a smaller minority and they have a disorder, gender dysphoria. They are not ill, not sick, not evil. The medical community has seen fit to help them by giving them the ways and tools they need to transition to live their lives as either a MTF or a FTM.

We need not feel shame for who we are. Feeling shame is wrong if we are wired to be who we are. As a male I at times have wished I never felt the need to be a cder. But most often I enjoy this side of me. In drab I'm rather typical dude, like most dude things and act much like any other dude. But en femme I feel so different, exciting often vibrant and feminine. My emotional side as Lacey is heightened than as a male. I like knowing I have feminine style/fashion sense and can understand the world of cosmetics and being woman-like. I UNDERSTAND why most women have a shoe affliction. I love my women's shoe and boots, buying new shoes when I have so many is odd for the dude in me but for the girl in me is so

IMO if we wish to live a more sane and satisfied life we each have to accept what we are and IMO we are abnormal and have a disorder. For most cders it's dealt with by partial and/or full crossdressing at times. For trans persons it is dealing with transitioning to the gender the feel they should be and live by.. SO BE IT! Well that is my opinion and 2 cents

[Lacey Hadley]

Diana

Being left hand is an abnormality not a disorder. It does not reflect one's greater identity. A male who is a regular acting genetic male is no different as such if he is right or left handed. Gender dysphoria is a disorder, why are we all so offended by such words? Example: A genetic male who is wired to feel he should be a she will once making the transition be different and will act and live life differently than if he was still living as a genetic male. A trans women has less physical strength by being on female hormones. Most if not all trans women say the hormones affect their emotional mind differently than when their bodies were infused with natural male hormones. Physical changes to their body via hormones and maybe surgery also affects the way they think and live. Joe who now lives as Jane still has his general intelligence and past life experiences. His now her mind was not erased during their transition. But gender dysphoria is not like left handedness. Being left handed has no affect on who you are. But the disorder of gender dysphoria does. If it is not acted upon and the person who has it (note I did not say suffers from it as its not an illness or sickness but just a disorder) does not change to feel the gender they feel they should be, then they may suffer badly through life. But with proper medical attention and more so a healthy home/family/friends support trans persons who transition, generally go on to live typical lives to the gender they now live as. Lack of family/friends/society support sees trans persons having a suicide rate (in the western world at least) about 30 times higher than non trans persons. But with good family, friends, coworkers, general society support their suicide rate falls back to normal of society.

Again gender dysphoria is a disorder, look at Bruce Jenner, a star Olympic athlete, male celebrity, for 60+ years a societal marker for a real man, at least on the outside. Now as Caitlin Jenner she is nothing like Bruce. She is as much a woman as her 60+ y.o. trans body and mind can give her. Bruce Jenner's past is still in her mind and his intelligence still exists as he now is she. To say she was not having a disorder is akin to having eyes wide shut. Her story is replicated by many other tgers. Youtube has many tgers putting up life photo/video journeys and have channels discussing how as they lived as boys/men and accepted their dysphoria to properly transition to the female gender, or conversely genetic girls transitioning to trans males. It not just a thing... It's not a social construct (F*** post modernism). Gender in Gender. Gender identity may not fit one's gender born as. The disorder is being made less of value by people denying it. I just don't get the denial? Acceptance of what it is will better help to understand it.

Why are we offended at truths. For me, I lived/live as a cder for decades. Beat myself up, hated myself and over time learned to accept myself and even love my femme self. Regular males do not have said disorder as I do as a cder. Again, it's not a sickness or illness, it's a disorder where my mind feels a need to express feminine traits and for me is ok with crossdressing when I can and freely need too. Am I trans? Well as of this point in my life, I myself I do not feel a need to live as a female.

I do not like lies about what I am and why I do it. I was born with this disorder. I can remember feeling it from about age 5 on. Began to dabble in crossdressing by age 12, suffered emotionally and confusingly by this disorder for many years and now have more or less accepted it. I have two closets full of female clothes, drawers full of female clothes and under garments and female shoes/boots to high heaven. HELL YEAH! It's not normal for a genetic male to have such and so much stuff and to dress in it all. I'm not sick, not ill, not evil. I have a disorder and accepting this gives me more understanding and less angst for myself.

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you Diana,

At age 60 I can see my poor wife cannot continue on as she has been bed ridden and total care for a longer period of time..in bed 17 months...no skin break down...but 90% or more just out of it mentally fortunately for her because I would be suffering horrible mentally to be laying in one place that long.

Once she is gone I will then have the time to see a gender therapist being on the gulf coast I would probably have to travel 60 miles or more to one of the larger metropolitan areas to find a true gender therapist. I have and I continue as everyone here can see to question and ...well suffer...in a way from I suppose dysphoria!? I do need someone to help me to sort this out. Thanks. I think that I will do that once I am alone... isolated in unwanted solitude. hum...

Lacey, you are perfectly entitled to your belief, perception, view just as I am. Neither yours nor mine are right or wrong we just happen to see it all in a slightly different way and in a way that we are both comfortable with and believe to be correct and it is for us. My view is as valid as any other. It is ok. I can see it as a disorder...but it is as valid if I prefer to say that I am not the usual compared with what is the norm for our sex and gender. The vast majority believe they can define Normal because they are not like us and so they feel they are correct in excoriating us and telling us we are abnormal, insane, have a mental illness and that we are delusional....Fine I understand why they feel that way but it does not make them right because the numbers are overwhelmingly on their side statistically! No It so happens they have no experience or understanding of anything we go through or how we are but we are this way through no fault of our own. To me that means Most develop like those who are Right handed, some like myself are in a minority because we are left handed does that make handedness abnormal? No it is less common but not an abnormality and so I prefer to say that I am unusual compared to other men but prefer and I feel indeed that I am not abnormal I am just different than they are. But if you prefer and are comfortable thinking yourself to be ab normal that is correct because you are really acknowledging the same thing which is that you are not in the norm but in a subset of that which I prefer to see as also not in the norm... we are rare birds but we are unto our subset ....every bit as normal as they...we are not the usual...we are unusual.... it's all semantics.