Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

[Anne Bonny]

We only desire because of who we are to present ourselves as we are inside. Why do I worry the neighbor could come knocking at my full length glass double doors flung open like a huge window so I can see the beauty of the outdoors. In fact all my blinds are fully open but I also know no one can see inside unless it is darker outside than it is inside my home. Why am I not open with the women around me so I can go out in the clothing I should be wearing or to show up at this afternoon's party fitting in with the other ladies? Why are we not free to be fully open and out in public?

The fear is in my head fear of being subjected to looks and comments of reviled rejection to myself and to my person. Fear or rejection by the ladies in this group which is such a life line to me now in my desperation to re enter life. Fear the neighbor will inform my eldest sister when she comes as they were high school class mates and had a date one time. It is not a fear but I know that my sister would never drop the subject or her rejections and attacks and push for me to go into counseling and get into her faith. She would never let it drop and would probably have nothing more to do with me anymore. 

These fears are not unfounded. They are the world I live in and will until I am gone...so I am going to allow this world to prevent my being who I happen to be to the end of my life? I go back and forth the side which fully meets society's approval and conventions has no problem but my softer person is shamed ridiculed and forbidden. Oh, I do not want to lose people I am so desperate to have them around me...

We should be as welcomed and approved as any other woman by everyone everywhere but most see us as "perverts." What gives them that right...because they have the vast majority and convention on their side? Were we in their position in another world we would think of their behavior as being perverse. What is it about their attraction, open affections and love, and what they do with each other behind closed doors that makes what they do not perverse while ours is? In our present world we are a tiny minority it makes us rare...a few, and what we do not the usual according to their conventions. As a heterosexual transgender person what I do would not be different in any way except for who is wearing the dress, and who is yielding to the advances of my female partner when I am here....is that so very outrageous and who the hell is harmed by any of it...does our society fall? Does our morality fly out the window with our values and our entire civilization because a few men here happen to have a femininity within who they are? Why is that so wrong and why do people object. Why do their outrageously self appointed authoritarians of social norms and convictions leavened by adherents so commonly throughout our entire society from birth to death seek to viciously revile us and rip us to shreds to the end of our days seeking to banish who we are from the light of day in the public forum? Is this not what they do? Yes, it is. Were it not for those brainwashed to this common mindset so set against anything but the most common conventions shared by the majority as being the ONLY norm. Then we would be free to live our lives as daughters as it comes, and as other women around us free to live our lives as easy as taking a breath... Sad.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

[KimberlyS]

Anne, the fear you have in your head, I am not going to say it is not real. Yes life is out there and what you are thinking in your head could happen. It could even happen worse and there is proof of that in the news. But from my experience and from hearing from others, the fear within our head is usually a lot worse than the reality.

Second you keep using the word "pervert" to describe what your sister, women in general. Again you are generalizing in your mind. Is that what you think of yourself? Maybe you need to start at home and quit thinking of yourself as a pervert or quit looking down on yourself. IMHO and experience, what others think of us starts with what we think of ourselves. Our self thought comes out in our actions around others and reactions to interactions with them. If you are acting like a pervert in your actions when you are around others, then you will be treated as one. If you are acting like this is just who you are and there is no problem with it, then what others think will start there. It is easier to start with someone at a high point then start at a low point.

Just some of my thoughts,
kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Kimberly, I will always have some drift within myself like a tree swaying in a breeze. I am either in the male....or I am in the female so I suppose the mixed presentation is not there too much at all. I do not go out in the female, I have as far as driving around fully dressed probably 4-5 years back, but getting out of the car and walking around in a deserted location late at night a few times years ago 10 to 15 years back. Oh! Yes I did...went to Walmart Neighborhood market 2-3 times within the past 5 years. I was out and quite comfortable around the Hospice Staff working with my wife, and with the sitter we hired, she died in April so these people except for the sitter are out of my life. I have told both sons but do not dress around them because they were not raised with me dressing in front of them...I chose not to tell them until they were 18 and 21, I told one sister who matter of fact took a "Fine" but stop talking about it attitude which indicates she wants nothing to do with it. I have been seen or told others during the course of my wife's long struggle.

It is not as if I do not recognize or have not accepted who I am. I do quite absolutely! I do as I say believe as I was writing above that being in the minority, or unusual because of that cannot be used to name call. I absolutely do not believe society can get on a high horse and label us just because they happen to be in the majority. No I do not believe there is anything wrong with who I am or with what I happen to desire which ...is basically equality in everything to the extent possible.... It is not wrong to prefer being female...and though I may not prefer being male fact is I do spend most of my time there just because I am one...what is common is very boring and unexciting compared to being able to experience being a woman...I simply love being able to be who I am....

The delimma is that I cannot be both at once. You are lucky because you were able to choose but I because of who I am have to live on a razor's edge always teetering always unsettled depending on how the wind blows.... Currently I am facing the love of my long hair, and how pretty it is styled when I am wearing a dress etc. But in my desperation after the death of my wife to reconnect with the world...be with people socially and hoping to attract a new female companion...I know George does not look his best as a man because my longer hair is more wavy and curly about my ears so that try as I might I end up looking like a dufus! The only way to look like a handsome attractive self at my best is to go have a regular male haircut...tapered up the back, trimmed over the ears and sides and top but a little long up front so I can flip it over the side as I had done nearly my entire life. Thing is the women I want would drop me and leave in a heartbeat if they knew I was less than a normal man...in that when the wind blows I am as they are pretty much...not in mannerisms or voice nothing really changes there except how I feel inside, may be more emotional? Finding the compromise...well my female side is disappointed with hair that is too short and NO! She is not about to opt for a wig! absolutely NOT!!!!

Oh well...I need a woman who understands and who will have absolutely no difficulty seeing who I am and loving me just as the people in Hospice seemed to...I suppose they had to be professional but they seemed to be very open and fine with Anne.

I think If my lady took my hand and fully encouraged me Anne would blossom as a woman...and George would be ecstatic too. I believe my ultimate nirvana would be to be able to live and to be whoever I am at home with my companion happy no matter how I am. If she encouraged me on so that I would be seamlessly able to be here when female friends are over, or going over to visit and to go out too openly to everyone...but this would not exclude George that being seemlessly accepted desired and encouraged as well whenever I am where ever I am!

Yes...I suppose I will have to ignore hair for Anne's sake...and George will have to find a way to make the best of it.

[KimberlyS]

The dilemma is that I cannot be both at once.

Why not?? Your tag line says "Go with the flow". Then just go with the flow.

I struggled for years what I was. I figured out fairly early transition with SRS was not for me. I have finally settled into the fact I am a guy with both masculine and feminine traits. You say you are like a tree in the wind and that would be a good comparison to me also. Sometimes I feel more feminine, some times I feel more masculine, but usually a mix somewhere in the middle. Sometimes my feelings are in line with my presentation and sometimes they are not. Often I am presenting a masculine image to the world, sometimes I am presenting a feminine image to the world, but often I am also presenting a mixed mode image to the world, usually at home, but have also done this out in society. But even my masculine outward presentation can have feminine undertones if you look carefully.

How do you choose your attire? Well sometimes, maybe often, we choose based on how we feel. Do I feel the need to be comfortable, do I feel bright and cheery and want something to match. This is often where we start. Then add in function. What am I going to be doing. I am going to work and need work clothes? Am I going to church, to concert, a play, out to fast food, out for a fancy dinner, mowing the yard, working in flower or veggie gardens. Different functions need different clothes. Then for us you can add in feminine or masculine to the formula decisions. It does not have to be rocket science. As you say, "Go with the flow". So experiment with your flow and find something that works for you and go with it. And nothing says it has to be consistent either, just go with the ebbs and the flow where ever it takes you over time.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Anne Bonny]

Looks like I will probably be ok? (Tropical Storm Gordon) will have to see tomorrow to be sure. I know I need to stop...It is not about playing pretend and dress up...but actually being able to live...and just be whoever the hell it is that I happen to be and sometimes as this morning it is living one way, and most of the time...the other. I know one way very well, but my heart is being free to live and to be what has been kept from me. Crazy...well it is just my reality and no one is wrong deciding to take me as I am - taking the cue based on my appearance. Suppose thinking of me and taking me considering me as I am as belonging to one "team" or the other, I belong to both but can only be with one of them at a time.

Suffering through another corneal abrasion from dry eye this morning...gaw...please stop the discomfort! Oh well gel eye drops as needed and antibiotic drops left from the last one and no contacts for several days... Still does not stop my female from being who she is this morning.... Yes living my reality. Quite appropriate this morning ...forms appropriate underwear for a girl, jean shorts and a blue stripe top with a little lace up V at the neck very nautical. ladies tennis shoes and footlets. Jewelry and lipstick...with my eye right one no other make up this morning.

Kimberly...I never realized that we are "sisters" It's nice to know we are alike!!! Someone out there is just as I am that is so wonderful...and I do believe I have finally happened upon my correct course through out the remainder of my life. I only need the courage so that I can move past my fear of being pigeon holed which is whoever's problem I realize. If they choose to be incorrect in their ideas about me that will be their problem and not mine...I am OK with that I believe... but realize the permanence and the permanent consequences for myself in the eyes of such persons. Should I really begin to live openly yes I am very afraid...I would lose a sister, and my son's perhaps or endanger my seeing my grandchildren...potentially? This is who I am...but I am afraid to live openly and fully...easy when I can continue to hide safely in a masculine presentation...what if the ability to do so were stripped away from me? Interesting thought.... ripping off the band-aid...Ok! you have to go get groceries don't forget your purse! Ok... let's go have the nails done...OK need some new clothes or shoes...let's go! Ok going out with the friends in the new social group.... That is what life could be for me...I always hit this point and stop, choosing to continue enduring this lying half truth of a life for myself...but no one else can make this choice for me.

[KimberlyS]

Anne, I am not saying you need to dress feminine in front of your kids, sister or anyone else you are not comfortable to do so. One advantage for me is I have some choice. I choose not to dress in front of my kids, my brother and sister and Dad; and other. But that is my choice. For me, yes sometimes I do not like it, but it is my choice and one I have made freely. Yes there are times I would rather not to have to change to go out or if someone is coming over, but again that is my choice. Other times I choose to get out and about enfemme and do things. I think for the most part I get a blend of femme time that works for my myself, my wife and others.

I will give you a hint. Life is full of choices. Some choices we like and some choices we do not like. CDing is not any different. Each choice we make has both pluses and minuses to it. The idea is to have a life of choices that work for you and those you want around you. Hopefully making more choices you like than dislike and hopefully making you happy. You can not dwell on the choices you make. You must make choices and move forward making choices as you go. It is good to learn from your choices but not good to continue to dwell over your choices over and over. You can not re make choices, just learn from them and move on and enjoy life. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

I once had a coworker tell me that every day was a good day that you could wake up, take a breath and get out of bed. Be happy you have another day to live, be happy and make choices.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Anne Bonny]

I have been dressing most every day usually in the morning hours till a little after noon, and sometimes in the afternoon. I am able to do this and I am enjoying the freedom to be who I am. There are a few people I can message... one is supportive, and the other has not been responding of late though she has supported me in the past. I have probably worn her out but she does pop up to talk from time to time.

There is a social group but my own fear is holding me back I would not want to become the talk of the group or to be excluded and ejected as someone they do not want to mix with but wanting to share is in my mind...

I want more so I must evolve so that I can have more. I suppose going public is a huge hump in my path that is difficult to cross.