Mental illness, compulsion, or was I just born with...

[Anne Bonny]

Mental illness, compulsion, or was I just born with my gender destined to be a little askew? About to take a girlfriend...gg girlfriend sailing and I would put in my small ball studs, my swimsuit it fit's nice considering it was one of my wife's old ones must have been tight on her? It is a pretty pattern light blue with tropical flora on it and a skort in the front which makes it perfect!!! Have my legs shaved, red nail polish but! no cover up and no good flipflops unless there is still a pair of my wife's around? Lipstick? well I would look funny with no make up or wig anyway...think I am going to let my hair get to a more shaggy length and not have my hairdresser take it all the way down to a regular guy cut.

For whatever reason I am as I am...I am! It is kind of a mood thing stress, anger, negativity relational irritations and worry can really move me to the guy side and push how I would otherwise rather be out of the picture.

Oh well...there are too many fishermen and boats that will pass close enough so that I would be clocked.
I mean If I go with it publicly then I do want to pass well enough at a relatively good distance to carry it off as two women out for a sail. Oh well need a little breakfast for energy later...

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Interesting detail of ...look funny with lipstick on,

makeup I don't wear any and not in many years reason being I don't ...need... it just lippy and eye brow liner as I don't have any as other,s know I was burnt on my right side of face, and a scare so this is why the eye brow liner, perfume and that's all, not very often I,ll have eye shadow on at a Ball or some thing a bit special, and when around close friends I may not even have any thing , so I quess I do have a few details going for myself in my looks ,,,, or no one cares at all could be so used to me as the person , so is not about clothes how you look or don't ,


Because you know a lot about who I am my likes dislikes and quite a lot if you met me or saw me down the street you would not bat an eye lid, so , to get over the 7 day wonder of how you go in society come,s down to being accepted , okay I have the advantage of being born female yet was not allways seen as one by every one I still had to go through a process of being accepted did evey one accept who I am at face value 3 in every 100 people did not , and even of those some have accepted yes I am a female so change can take time years infact,, so you see its not allways a case of being born female and your accepted with out ? as I have had to learn.


Yes my advantage did help , and I proved that yet again this week end and my staff of 4 working for me to do a dinner for 115 people on sunday and comments of from people from different parts of New Zealand who attended of the best dinner they have had in the setting that was provided for them ,, so you see I have had to work hard to be where I am and how people see me , so can be done and more than worth the effort of putting you self on the line and to be Judged looked at and seen for who I am and the passion that I have that goes along with that,


...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

It's like in the midst of making people they thought..."we've made enough women for now...we'll make this one a man." And yet internally I am very like the women around me. No one would tell by my voice which can be very deep indeed, nor by my natural manly mannerisms...I am not outwardly overtly effeminate in anyway what so ever! I mean we have all seen boys who are naturally feminine outwardly and inwardly...I just do not have the outwardly part...and my inwardly part is not fully there but definitely is there and cannot be ignored, she has always been there moving me inside emotionally shaping my thoughts and considerations and disposition....She is there. I had to hide her I was even restrained when my wife who knew and was in her right mind it was always a touch and go thing...I could let myself out around the house when she was in the right frame of mind and conditions were right. Since her passing I have been freed as never before, lost my parents and grandma years before I lost my poor wife...I still love her inside but as pictures begin to fade in the sun...time and distance work the same way the longer it has been and grief begins to subside some so it is bearable and out of mind mostly.

Yeah, a good part of who I am inside is heavily laced with girl. So I do not believe myself mentally ill, I have had to live and be the rock cared for my wife, paid all the bills and was very responsible in my financial planning and in having to become fully responsible for the raising of our sons who ... though they have made it and are in an outstanding position to pursue their own lives, one indeed has and is 26 with 3 children and a wife, the other with his cum laude is going to Japan to help teach english to Japanese students who are required to learn it leaving this August. If I were mentally ill I would never have managed everything under such tremendous pressure and loss. Compulsion!? Am I to say that because I have the same feminine feelings women have and want sexually and because sex is a part of life that because I have no partner that pleasuring myself when in bed in my feminine bed clothes makes who I am a fetishist!? There is the occasional afternoon pleasure as well but not often.... We have sexual desires...but have no partner...what the hell are we supposed to do!? Does this make who I am a sexual compulsion!? No! Nope...This is who I am, I have had to struggle with it and figure it out all by myself over my entire life. I have a hard won grasp of who I am... that is so wonderful to finally have.
Yeah I am talking with a psychologist and a psychiatrist as I work on everything. Finding my own unique way of openness and being who I am...to find my own comfortable and happy niche where I am free to live as I should always have been living my life as freely and as openly as possible for me... Yeah I was born this way, this is who I am inside and always have been.

Of course making so much progress on who I am....it is fantastically wonderful there is a way to go but this part of who I am is better than ever. The other reason for seeing psych....and talking is because of depression...lack of interest, desire, motivation and sometimes feeling I do not want to be here anymore. I see in 20 years I will be 82 that is staring into your own mortality...limited time to find a partner who will be thrilled with who I am...or finding satisfaction and happiness solo which is much harder. Also trying to become social when it is against my natural inclination to be satisfied with the few around me who have now all died so if I do not become social and involved I will be miserable and alone. I have work to do and know I need help because after a decade of trying to do it on my own...I know I need help and can only get so far on my own. Dancing is good but I am ...well the teacher always tells me I have musicality and am very smooth and am doing well. But not really I think. Photography took some classes that were social...they are over and the camera is sitting on the table unused. Sailboat fixed up better than ever and I have been out 3 times so that is good but I do need to find activities so that I do not go out of my mind stir crazy or waste days snoosing in misery on my couch with the tv blairing away.