You girls are "MY Bridge Over Troubled Waters"

[Virginia]

Well, several days ago when my wife decided she could do better on her own and in the whole mix my son called my daughter to ask why she had not told him about the pending divorce, (from the movie "Cool Hand Luke" "What we have here is a failure to communicate.") She thought he was asking why she had not told him about my being a crossdresser (at that time he did not have a clue) anyway, he works late and I get up early and leave the house - we barely see each other, however yesterday he said he was proud of me -"that doing my thing" took guts and he was happy for me and he still loved me! My question is should I ask my daughter just what the heck (yes Beauty, I said "heck" she said to him or just be glad that my kids accept their ole man for who he is and let it go at that?
I still don't know what my wife's reasons are for chucking 27 years of wedded bliss ? She thinks we should split everything 50/50, I don't think soooooo!
Anyway the saga continues!
Love you all,
Virginia

[Loretta Ann]

Hey Sis,

Well for starters it is impossible to split everything half and half, your kids accept you for who you are and she can not have any part of that.

On the other issue I think divorce is a lot easier and cheaper if you can avoid disagreeing on the percentage of the split. The more you disagree the more money the lawyers make.

So this one girls advice is to try and negotiate something you can both accept.

[Beauty]

Ummm.. ahem.. what the heck is going on here with all of these very heckish words. You really shouldn't push the line so much Ms. Virginia.

You are wonderful, you know that? You really, really are. I have to agree with your son about the way you've handled yourself and this situation. We're all part of the bridge you mentioned. You are just as critical a piece as any of us.

So, you're welcome, but also thank you.

Beauty

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hey Virginia,

*Shrug* not sure what I can and to the wonderful words of wisdom from Darlene and Beauty....Oh, I know.....LOVE YA, HONEY!!!!

*Hugs & Love*

[Dixie Darling]

Virginia, you stated:

“I still don't know what my wife's reasons are for chucking 27 years of wedded bliss”

As a matter of curiosity, has she been aware that you were a crossdresser? If so, for how long? Also (if she was aware of it), was she accepting, non accepting, tolerant, non-tolerant, etc?

In your opinion do you think that you being a CD had anything to do with her deciding to end the marriage?

Dixie

[Amelie-Laveau]

This is so sad to hear these common stories from CDs, it hurts even more when that CD is a friend. I never been there, so I can't say I know how you feel. But pain is pain, I just feel bad you are going thru this. The other girls will give you advise, I can only say I'm thinking of you.

Love Amelie

PS We are all part of that bridge, I'm the part stuck in the water.

[Angie]

Hey, girl!

I can't add anything more to what your friends have already put so eloquently. We may never fully understand why a person takes a particular course of action. I have a friend who is asking himself the same questions after his wife decided to leave after 20 years of marriage.

You've gained the acceptance of your son. That is awesome! Whatever your daughter said, the end result was positive. I think asking her to clarify the conversation would serve little. Enjoy it as a bright spot in all of this and don't look back.

It goes without saying, we're here for you and in a little less than a month, you can bend our ears in person at SCC.

Take Care
Angie

[Elizabeth]

Virginia,

I can only imagine the sense of betrayal you must feel after 27 years of marriage. I know with my wife, this lack of loyalty was/is very demoralizing. I thought we were partners for life, only to find out that I was not Mr. Right, i was Mr. Rightnow.

Just to update everyone, I threw her out last night after it bacame apparent she had no intention of fixing herself or our marriage, she just wanted to get out of the bad deal she was about to get. Touche`, she got me. But it was worth trying for the small economic loss it will cause me.

Her and my daughter both returned to my wife's boyfriend's house. As I predicted, she not only had not burned the bridge, but infact had it set up so she could return easily.

All in all though, it was her complete lack of loyalty that really bothered me. That everything I did, that we did, that we lived, meant nothing to her. Only her own selfish needs.

I guess I have no room to talk, from her point of view that is all my crossdressing is. A selfish need that ruined our marriage, at least that is what she says. That is her excuse for being unfaithful, but continuing to use my resources, until fibro forced me to stop working.

Virgina, I know you are a strong person, but allow yourself time to grieve this great loss. It is an important part of healing. I am so sorry this happened to you, and if I could wave my magic wand to make it all better? I would.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Hayley]

Virginia Sweetheart,
One can only hazard a guess as to why your wife will pack it in after 27 years. She obviously has her reason/reasons. Try not to think of the loss as the gains with your son and daughter are just as important. Look to the positive and not slide down the rails to depression. I can only guess that your love is still strong and your heart yearns, but as someone who has gone through one divorce and is not very successful at his current marriage I can fully empathise with what you are facing.

Try to come to some amicable agreement over property settlement. To argue will cost you, and ultimately your wife as well. The first victims of a nasty divorce are your respective dignities and respect for one another.

You may feel a little lost or possibly angry at losing 27 years, but be proud of her for having the strength of mind to at least make a decision she feels is needed, and also be proud of the two beautiful gifts you have been given by her, your children.

There is no need right now to ask what your daughter had said to your son. Why complicate yours and their feelings. Wait a while and just bring it up in general conversation later down the track. You know "By the way, to please my curiosity, just what was said between you two about my CDing?" sort of thing. The truth is easier to extract when less stress is present.

I'm sorry if I sound patronising but as I stated earlier I have been through this before and am failing this time around, not a bad record at 34yrs old. And I really don't like my sisters being hurt, as much as we all learn and grow stronger from it. ALL you girls are super special to me and I would be just devastated to not have you all in my life. You all have helped me so much and to be able to help my sisters is just as important to me if not more so.

Please take care and try not to fall into the pits of depression. Stay strong Virginia, for yourself, and for your loving children. And remember that the best gift a father can give his child/children is to love and respect their mother (even when things go wrong).

Stay strong Babe. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[Virginia]

Thanks, Girls, for your compassion and support! I have everything under control - tonight, she decided she wants to put off the "separation." She wants the divorce, but wants to wait. She also has decided that the sole reason for her wanting this is my crossdressing. That of course is totally contrary to what she told our family therapist! Hey, I just don't care anymore what she does. My attorney is gonna freak-out when I tell her, she thinks we are going room to room dividing up property tonight. When I tell her that it is off until my wife finds another job we will live under the same roof. It's a long story - but the bottom line is I am fine and I love you all for the support that you are more than willing to offer. To me its like a chess game = as long as you got amove you got options!
Love ya All!!!
Virginia

[Anita]

Hi Virginia-
Uh oh! That can be a messy situation! I know that people can't just pack up and get out, but I went through two relationships where the woman "hung around,' because she couldn't afford to move out right away.

Of course, with a 27 year committment behind you, there's a lot more teamwork developed, even if that teamwork is being directed toward how best to split up. My girlfriends and I didn't have that many miles together.

We had a hard time still sharing quarters, but trying to back off from any displays of affection, for instance. It was too hard; one or both parties would feel that maybe things were OK again, and then the reality would come crashing back down. Should we still sleep together? Could we use the kitchen at the same time without it becoming a cat fight?

Maybe you won't even notice that much difference. Maybe in the short term, you'll feel better around each other. It was that way with one GF.

We were so relieved we weren't going to have to try to keep the relationship grinding along, that we actually enjoyed each other's company again. The end was in sight, and we could go on to new lives that had less effort!

Thing is, YOU haven't been necessarily unhappy with the marriage. It was working for you. In my case, both the woman and I had been unhappy with it for some time.

You've had a little time to get adjusted to this, but not much--a month, maybe? Take care, V, we're here rooting for you!

[Beauty]

Hi Virginia,

Anytime we can save our marriages it's a good thing. I wish you heaven with everything. I'm pulling for you two to work things out. I totally respect the way you've been handling the entire event. You're doing a wonderful job.

I must admit.. lol.. I agree your session with your lawyer is going to be interesting.

As always, you know we're here for you.

Beauty

[CJ]

I send wishes for strength your way. And much love, too.

Love,
CJ

[Eloise Goth]

we love you, sis...

[Virginia]

Thanks again girls for your support.
I am continuing to just do my thing. One is that I am renovating an older home that she thinks we will sell and split the money in the future - surprize!!! I am planning on moving in eventually! She does not want to go into it - I think, because of the neighborhood or she thinks that "Manuel Labor" is the president of Mexico, but anyway I am taking my time and putting some really nice stuff into the house, so it may look like it fits the neighborhood on the outside but on the inside - Well it will be really nice! - an fortified!
Again, thanks for your support, but for now I have everything under control and I am just really looking forward to SCC!
Love ya,
Virginia