Being myself causing less stress to others

Julie M. · Post by **Julie M.** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 3:56 pm

This quest to free myself of the personal prison I put myself in has not been without a lot of pain and suffering, not only for me but for my family as well. Therapy seems to be taking me down a road of transitioning but I'm a long way off from truly making that my destination. There are too many issues that need to be resolved before I even consider it.

Many of you have read some of what my life has been like since June. I went from being an almost total recluse who buried his head in the computer and drank too much to being a freed person who accepts and enjoys the female parts of me. I look back and see a very troubled person since before this who led a dark and lonely life. I have no idea how I ever got there. I'm normally a very positive person. It's like I contracted a disease and refused to get it treated.

I now go out dressed at least once a week. I have a new social life with friends who only see Julie but they know all of me. As Jim, I only let part of me come through, the rest I kept closely guarded. My wife has come to accept that I may not be able to be her husband in the future but she told me she will always love me. In time maybe this femme part of me will seem less unattractive to her. Maybe once she gets to know all of me she will like me better.

When my wife declared her husband dead I thought we'd be moving further away from each other. She saw her therapist for the first time the day following that comment. I don't know if that helped or just accepting I may someday transition but she has been more at peace with herself. She and I seem closer too. At this point in time I'd even go so far as to say she'd be with me every step of the way should I ever decide to transition. Something I never felt I would ever say. She gave me a big hug the other day and asked if we were going to make it through this. I know it's tough on her and this question told me she was willing to try her best, as am I.

On the other forum I was the first one to reach 800 posts. I did it not because I posted a lot of nonsense, but because that was my social life. That seems to be changing now. I have a real social life as Julie, something I never thought possible. It's in the GLBT community solely right now but what I've found is they are some of the nicest, warmest people I have ever met. The gay men I have talked to all know I'm straight but have never shown me anything but respect. The lesbian girls I know accept me as one of them. I am living life the way I had never dreamed possible. And there's more of the world out there to integrate myself into.

I now come on here and the other forum to visit with old friends, lend some words of support and, of course, to get some moral support when I need it. But this past week, and especially the past few days, I have felt the pressure subside to a very tolerable level. I can only hope it's an indication of things to come.

I know you will always be close to my heart. You just may not see me as much. It’s not because I don’t care but because I’m busy living a real life too and not only in cyber world solely. I owe a lot of that progress to the fine people here who gave me moral support and helped me realize I needed to let Julie free.

I thank you all.

Love,
Julie

SophieLawson · Post by **SophieLawson** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 4:37 pm

Julie I can relate so much! When I look back just a few months before accepting my dressing I was so unhappy compared to what I am now, so I guess the way we should look at it is in 3 months time we'll be even more happy

Anyways, like you a lot of people here have helped me too, including yourself! So thanks to you and everyone else! Acceptance is the main thing I think

Sophie xx

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 5:28 pm

Julie,

I am so glad that your life is moving in a direction that is making you happy. I hope this continues and I will view your absense as a good thing.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:08 pm

Good news is always welcome. Good to hear you and your wife are working together. It's going to get harder on her as time goes on should you decide to transistion, so keep giving her those big hugs.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:34 pm

Julie

There is a saying that came to my mind while reading your post, that I believe to be true.

Where there is no pain there is no gain.

I hope you and your wife can accept that, and both continue to work through these hard times, taking time to enjoy the good times.

Be well Dear.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 10:26 pm

Julie, honey, you know we all look forward to your posting with us!!! I love your dog too!! Yes, this forum (and others) can become too much of a refuge and one can loose sight of the world beyond the screen in front of us. I do enjoy the company of the girls here as you do and I know we are a big sorority and it is great, but we need to get out and spread our wings and shake the dust off once in a while. Finding the proper balance is very important. The girls here are great and I think that we have helped each other immensely. The sharing and empathy and love you can actually feel it!
God Bless you Julie for being there and also all the rest of my sisters, you girls are wonderful!
Love,
Virginia

Jassmine(SO) · Post by **Jassmine(SO)** » Tue Nov 02, 2004 2:19 pm

Julie,

Wishing the best of luck on your continued journey

May your life always be filled with joy

Please do drop in, from time to time, and give us an update

*Hugs & Love*

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Tue Nov 02, 2004 7:46 pm

Hi Julie,

What a wonderful post.

I sure hope it's not a good bye. I admit I'm curious about what you're going to do, but I care about you being here more.

I think it's amazing how much of your inner beauty is shining through to make you such a totally beautiful gal that I know I love.

I wish you the best, I hope you know that. I'll miss you if you go, but I'll totally be happy you stopped by when you have time.

I wish you all the best!

Beauty

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Nov 03, 2004 1:24 am

Hi Julie--
I'm happy to read your post. I know that my social life is a lot more enjoyable the last four years, so I identify with what you're discovering.

I was getting quieter and quieter as a man. A big part of this was that I'm no longer looking for romantic partners. This is not some awful thing, as I've said in other posts. I had great women in my life, and now it's time to get on with career and life-long projects that I see I want to finish.

So a big part of my outgoing male personality was the endless quest for either attracting new partners, or keeping the ones I had. It was a big shock to my system when I saw that I wasn't going to be doing that any more. I needed a new way to socialize with women, and there are no good models out there for how to do that.

As a married person, you'd face the same dilemma. You're not supposed to be on the hunt anymore, so there has to be a way to relate to women that's still social and not too aggressive.

I knew how to do that when I was part of a couple--we all do. But I didn't know how as a single man.

Being out as a woman works great for me--I can be enthusiastic and outgoing and it doesn't come across as an advance. This is why I wonder if I've have wanted to go out CDing when I was younger, but it's just what I need now.

I can be a lot livelier around men, too, since I'm not competing with them and I don't have to keep my feelings locked in. Men can relax around a T-girl, once they get over any initial fear. They have fun, in spite of themselves.

It's not going to be easy to figure out where you want to go from here, but you seem to be handling it OK from my vantage point.

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Nov 03, 2004 8:32 am

Hi all,

Julie,

May everyone of your future steps be blessed with wisdom and self-understanding. I'll be thinking of you even should you post less on the forum. Take care. Cherish yourself. Cherish life.

Love,
CJ