Hey Darlene,
Good point about the SO being in the victim position too.
I think being kept in the dark about CD until after the commitment of marriage is secured places the SO in an unfair position in first place. I think she has a right to feel victimized to a certain extent. But then she must move on and find her own place in this new dynamic. It just may be there is NO place for her and divorce or childlessness is the only answer. She has the right to make choices based on the new information available to her and not be made to feel like she is so wrong for not being "accepting of who he really is" (which apparently gives the CD the right to feel victimized?) at this late date.
Decisions
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Terri(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 373
- Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2004 7:35 am
- Location: San Francisco
- Contact:
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi girls,
I have lived this scenario. I met a girl, fell in love, lost my desire to crossdress, married her without telling her about these desires thinking that it was a phase that had passed, was enticed by her clothing, started wearing them, got caught.
Howver, we already made the decision to have a child during the period where my crossdressing desires where in remission. So when they returned we already had children.
Because I loved my wife, and had put her in this unfair position, I felt like I had to assume the role of victim, and purged my things. However, as all of you know, this only works for a limited period, and it was not long before I was dressing in secret. For years I wore panties under my clothes secretly.
Until about 10 years ago when she finally begrudgedly accepted my underdressing, and started washing my underwear and returning them to my drawer. However, it was not really acceptance.
We did have two more children after she knew about my crossdressing, but it was while I was secretly underdressing. Once she accepted my underdressing, she actually bought me underwear a few times, but I never made an attempt to hide my underwear after that. My older kids amitted they both knew, from snooping in my stuff.
As it became apparent that our marriage was ending, she became more insistant that I stop, I believe this was just to hasten the divorce, knowing that I could not, that I would not stop. And she made it clear she did not want the kids to know about it either. I told them against her will.
So in hindsight, I made a lot of poor decisions, but only because I did not know any better. Yes, I should have told her before we married. But? Once she rejected me, I assumed the role of victim. I lived my life as a lie, in secret, feeling guilty and ashamed. Not of crossdressing, but about being a liar. Pretending to be something I was not.
Crossdressing is a state of being. It is my belief that none if it should be done in secrecy. The only problem with crossdressing is that it offends people. It has no other harmful side effects. For me this is no different than the boundary that inter-racial marriage or marriages of different religoius faiths, had to cross. And that is to stop caring what other think.
I will not lie to my children any more. This is who thier dad is. I see no benifit to them or anyone else to try to keep this a secret from them And if one can not handle the consequences of what one's children might tell others, than perhaps it is time to stop living as a victim, before one asks ones children not to.
For me, there is not option that includes keeping it a secret. My experience tells me that the secret does more harm than the knowledge. No one benifits from the secret.
I choose option D.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I have lived this scenario. I met a girl, fell in love, lost my desire to crossdress, married her without telling her about these desires thinking that it was a phase that had passed, was enticed by her clothing, started wearing them, got caught.
Howver, we already made the decision to have a child during the period where my crossdressing desires where in remission. So when they returned we already had children.
Because I loved my wife, and had put her in this unfair position, I felt like I had to assume the role of victim, and purged my things. However, as all of you know, this only works for a limited period, and it was not long before I was dressing in secret. For years I wore panties under my clothes secretly.
Until about 10 years ago when she finally begrudgedly accepted my underdressing, and started washing my underwear and returning them to my drawer. However, it was not really acceptance.
We did have two more children after she knew about my crossdressing, but it was while I was secretly underdressing. Once she accepted my underdressing, she actually bought me underwear a few times, but I never made an attempt to hide my underwear after that. My older kids amitted they both knew, from snooping in my stuff.
As it became apparent that our marriage was ending, she became more insistant that I stop, I believe this was just to hasten the divorce, knowing that I could not, that I would not stop. And she made it clear she did not want the kids to know about it either. I told them against her will.
So in hindsight, I made a lot of poor decisions, but only because I did not know any better. Yes, I should have told her before we married. But? Once she rejected me, I assumed the role of victim. I lived my life as a lie, in secret, feeling guilty and ashamed. Not of crossdressing, but about being a liar. Pretending to be something I was not.
Crossdressing is a state of being. It is my belief that none if it should be done in secrecy. The only problem with crossdressing is that it offends people. It has no other harmful side effects. For me this is no different than the boundary that inter-racial marriage or marriages of different religoius faiths, had to cross. And that is to stop caring what other think.
I will not lie to my children any more. This is who thier dad is. I see no benifit to them or anyone else to try to keep this a secret from them And if one can not handle the consequences of what one's children might tell others, than perhaps it is time to stop living as a victim, before one asks ones children not to.
For me, there is not option that includes keeping it a secret. My experience tells me that the secret does more harm than the knowledge. No one benifits from the secret.
I choose option D.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Hello Terri,(which apparently gives the CD the right to feel victimized?) at this late date.
I did not intend to imply that the CD needed to have a right to feel victimized. But instead attempted to shine some light on the fact that he/she was already a victim due to the fact that he/she was not up front from the beginning, and had not learned how to free themselves from that reality.
Probably never realized the problem was that they were a victim., but instead viewed the rest of world as having the problem. There-by focusing on the wrong ingredient that needed to be changed.
Love Darlene.