Personal observation

[Ms Jane]

I have noticed lately, as I am allowing my female side to express itself more, thay my male side is benefiting as well. I have always loved women but have been a disaster in relationships, always feeling awkward in their company and never knowing the right things to say. I now find myself more at ease and complimenting them on their clothes etc. something I was always scared to do. Could there be a link or is it that as we get older we lose some of our inhibitions anyway? Has anyone any thoughts on this? Apologies if this has been discussed before. It will take me a while to read through all the previous topics. Love Ms Jane.

[Virginia]

Jane, What you are experienceing is that you are "growing in the gift." I can only speak for me, but I can assure you that a lot of our sisters here experience the same feelings and results. For Virginia, the dressing is nice, its fun, its comforting, but it is no longer the most important aspect for me. I am revelling in the feminine personna that Virginia exzudes. I have more compassion, more empathy, I tend to listen more and actually listen to what people say, I am more physical, i.e., touching, hugging, smiling and yes, I cry a lot more at things that previously would not have phased me. I love what it does for me and I can see it in the responses I get from people I interact with, its wonderful!! So, honey, enjoy it, take advantage of it and share it with everyone you come into contact with.
Love,
Virginia

[Anita]

Hi Ms. Jane--
I'm with Virginia on this one. My male side has benefited from Anita's social skills. I also touch people more than I did, I speak with a lighter voice, and find myself having more things to say when it comes to noticing complimentary things about people.

I still like to go out dressed, but I find that I get some of the same satisfaction from normal male interactions now, and I didn't before.

[RikkiOfLA]

Good topic, Jane!

When I started to feel confident crossdressing, I discovered that I could use this greater confidence in male mode situations, too, like meetings at work. I was becoming more confident in social situations. I could say a broader range of things, because I knew if anyone thought I was getting too broad in my interests, I had also learned how to silence them with the "cold eye" that I had developed as a crossdresser to deal with wisecracking teenagers.

But I also ran into a brick wall. Most men in our society only permit themselves to talk about a very narrow range of safe topics--work, sports, cars, home improvement projects, and jokes. If you can converse on any other topic, such as classical music or cooking, you risk some neanderthal thinking you must be gay!

The same caution applies, of course, to touching people while you talk.

In contrast, women are under no such limitations. So a lot of crossdressers relate that, even before they were dressing, at parties they'd often gravitate to the women. The conversation is more interesting.

Now if you're married or have a steady girlfriend, women will believe you're straight just because you're partnered, especially if you and your SO do a few public displays of affection, such as a hug or kiss when parting for a few hours. But that won't satisfy the men.

I thought I was doing fine, broadening my social skills etc. until one day at work, someone graffittied the men's room with nasty, unprintable slurs about ME!

So, unless you're planning on going full time (like I did not long after that), I would caution that you use a bit of restraint with the gender gift.

[TamaraSegunda]

Dear Ms. Jane:

What a provocative topic! It's clear from the replies that your feelings resonate with a lot of us. I'm not an "out" CD in the way that many here are. My wife knows about it and is moderately accepting, but I'm realistic enough to know that when fully "dressed" I look pretty ridiculous, and if I were to pass at all, it would be as an overweight and unattractive older woman -- not my favorite fantasy.

Still, as far back as I can remember, I've always had this urge to experience the things that our society says are reserved for women. I guess you'd have to say I was moderately transgendered -- long before I knew what that meant. The things I tried (dressing up in my mother's clothes, experimenting with her makeup, etc.) I tried in secret, and I was painfully aware of what the consequences would be if anyone found out. My dad was a total homophobe, and anything that he deemed to be unmanly was by definition "queer."

In my heart, I knew I was some kind of sissy, but didn't think I was queer. Still, I was terrified that others might notice some little effeminate thing that would unmask me to the world. I have to laugh when I read about CD folk who are embarrassed to buy lingerie for fear that the clerk will guess that it's for their own use. When I was in my early twenties, I remember being afraid to buy "Lady Lee" brand paper towels for fear the grocery checker would guess that I wanted to be Lady Lee. During those early years, I was also pretty much a Neanderthal when it came to women. I was so closed off, so guarded, that I was just -- well, boring and a jerk.

I still don't know that caused the epiphany, but at some point when I hit middle age, I started thinking a lot about this stuff. It was about that time that I came out to my wonderful, loving wife, and then to myself. It took a while, but I finally started to accept and forgive myself for being who I really was all that time, anyway. I don't know that I made any conscious attempt to act or appear more feminine to others, but rather I actively stopped trying to hide what was always there. Oddly enough, I noticed that I was suddenly able to relate better to women, and they in turned seemed much more comfortable with me. My wife even flattered me that she was jealous of several female co-workers who she swears were coming on to me. I never really bought that, but I did develop a number of warm (not romantic) friendships with women that never would have been possible in the bad old days. I can't tell you how much it has enriched my life.

As for clothing and appearance, I think I've developed my own style. I wear whatever I want, but I'm sufficiently conformist that only the most observant would guess that I was wearing a number of articles that didn't exactly come from the men's department. The cosmetic things I do (hair coloring, concealer, nail care, etc.) are all to make me look better -- not different.

So, yes, I think accepting the feminine within ourselves, and letting go of our childish hypermasculinity and feelings of guilt do indeed free our personalities, and other people -- perhaps especially other women -- can't help but see that and respond.

Thanks for bringing this up!
.......Tamara Segunda

[Absaroka]

Something Rikki said really rang a bell. Gravitating to women at parties, feeling comfortable with them. That is definitely something that is true of me. Never thougth of it as an expression fo feminimity but who knows maybe it is. I just find women to be better conversationalist than men unless they are people I know well.

Andrea

[Beauty]

Hi Jane,

I do notice that I do compliment ladies on what they are wearing more than I did before. At first I thought, "OMG! They are so going to know I'm a CD'r!" The truth was though, they didn't, they just thought it was nice to hear someone take notice of their attire.

I can not disagree that it may have something to do with age. I can tell you as I've aged and have become more comfortable with who I am it has been a lot easier to tell ladies these things. I guess it also may be that I'm just more confident all together though. I was just like you, I never really knew what to say or how to say it, but now I do.

Great thread Jane.

Beauty