Nursing home wardrobe?

Lydia · Post by **Lydia** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 10:32 am

Hi all,

I have a question that my SO posed, and I'd like to pass it along to my friends here. BTW, she and I are very close and I have named her as my caretaker in my living will documents. She is most supportive of my CD preferences, and accepts them to any degree that I wish to take. I am an old geezer and she is significantly younger, and the question is:
"If I have to see you into a nursing home, what clothes will you want and what clothes would be appropriate?"

My gut response was that when that happens I won't care a damn about what I wear, and the other inmates will probably be past caring about my wardrobe also. As I think about it, however, there are ramifications that boggle my mind. I suspect that my friends in this forum will have some ideas, and I'd appreciate all of them.

Thanks for just being there.

Willy

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 11:49 am

Hi Willy,

If you doubt you'll care really, then I'd go for the femme wardrobe.

This is something very good to think about.

I'll also be interested to hear what others think.

Beauty

Post by **Celia** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 3:37 pm

Myself, I would want to be very careful about any nursing home I entered if I desired to wear women's clothing there, Willy. Be knowledgeable about laws regarding treatment of the gender variant in its jurisdiction, any of its own formal policies in this area, the attitudes of the management and staff of the facility, quality of staff, turnover, etc. The last person I would want to discriminate against me would be someone charged with my care.

If you're not satisfied with the overall report card, find an acceptable alternative, or, barring that, don't wear women's clothing at the facility. You have indicated that you doubt you'd care, after all.

I hate to come off so negative. I really do hope you come up with a nursing home that is friendly toward folks like us - wouldn't it be nice to be ourselves in our waning days, if at no other time? Given the current social climate, though, I wouldn't be flipping any coins, rolling any dice, or drawing any cards to make such a decision. That said, good luck.

Yours,
Celia

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 3:42 pm

It's actually something I have thought about a few times even though I'm 2-4 decades off having to go.

I would hope my spouse would find me a T friendly place. Maybe T people will be more accepted by then?

I too have a strong feeling that I wouldn't care what others think. The only thing I can think of negatively is if some abusive caretaker

Anne

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 9:25 pm

Finding a good nursing home now is very important. My older brother is a nurse in a nursing home in Daytona Beach FL. Some of the places he has worked, well, they weren't so good as where he is now.

I figure a lot of the nurses would probably find it preferrable for guys to wear gowns to bed. Sure would make changing diapers easier.

However, you not only have to worry about who's running the place, but also who else is in the home. Some of these characters can be pretty strong, and who knows how they would react to you.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 9:46 pm

Donna makes an exceptionally good point, unfortunately a lot of folks from (no offense intended) "your" generation are not a tolerable of "deviations from the norm." as "younger" generations are. Celia also makes some great points, so take your time and do yor research and remember "its your money." So be comfortable in you decision if it comes to that. Hopefully you won't be placed in that situation and can live out your life dressed like you want!
Virginia

Lydia · Post by **Lydia** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:11 am

Thanks to all. I knew I'd get some sage advice here.

Actually, I am not ready for a nursing home by a long shot. But is is best to be prepared - at least mentally.

I remember my investigations into nursing homes when I was looking for one for my mother, and the one piece of equipment I was told to use was my nose. You can tell a lot about a place just by sniffing.

I'll pass this along to my SO, and maybe she'll quit worrying.

Hugs,

Willy

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 7:56 pm

Nursing home?!?

I'm not going to live in no stinking nursing home!!

I'll hire a TG-friendly live-in nurse!!

Aeryn · Post by **Aeryn** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 8:17 pm

I have worked in a nursing home as a social worker. Although we didn't have any CDers per se, we did have a pre-op who was HIV+ and suffering from psychosis secondary to the HIV.

The administrator asked myself, the other social worker and one of the charge nurses to assess "Jane" at the psych ward. We all agreed that Jane was someone we could care for. Then we discussed how other residents and staff would handle it. Jane was quite a bit younger than most residents and was living as a woman. The charge nurse very directly stated that her staff would provide the best care possible regardless.

Most of the residents accepted Jane, or at least were indifferent. We did have a few incidents but it was nothing separating the two (in terms of activity groups, dining, etc) couldn't solve.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:19 pm

Hi Aeryn,

What a wonderful story.

You are so cool!!

Beauty

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:49 pm

From what I have seen of adult care facilities in the last three and a half years (for my mother), crossdressing may be the least of your problems. Most of the women wear slacks, so if you wore slacks, who would know? As mentioned above, gowns are unisex, but not very comfortable or patient-friendly. However, you are indeed at the mercy of the Certified Nursing Assistants and other dominant personalities who want to dictate literally everything for you.

State law (in Kansas) is written to protect the facilities. Unexplained bruises do prompt investigations, but who would want to have that happen anyway? Then too, facilities claim a lot of "unattended falls". You have to wonder.

As a resident, you have almost no control over anything. The most important thing you tend to lose is your credibility. They will do what they can to convince you that you have lost your short term memory, because then they have credible deniability for whatever goes on (that shouldn't) .

My mother was kicked out of assisted living for tattle-taling to the state investigators, who then figuratively stabbed her in the back by refusing to view this involuntary eviction as retaliation.

I've threatened that if it comes to a nursing home for me, I'd rather die. Then I joke about taking up nude skydiving (sans even a parachute). But seriously, I expect this is why so many nursing residents request DNR.

Something has to change. Most people never get aids or breast cancer or emphysema (my sympathy for those that do) BUT, almost EVERYONE gets OLD. Elder care is the biggest issue facing this country in the next 5-25 years. We can't afford this $150-300/day nonsense any longer, and what we get for our money is not a quality of life that is worth living.

Sorry for venting, but this issue hit too close to home.

Hugs,

Bernice