Openness and Extremes

[CJ]

Hi all,

Some further thoughts:

I agree that extremes are not always a plus. A taste for extremes is hard to fight, though, when you live in a culture that does all it can to create the psychological need for extremes--extreme sports, extreme entertainment, extreme leisure, extreme fashion, hell! extreme anti-perspirant, even! Still, "bigger" and "better" rarely lead to "biggest" and "best"... they only lead to "even bigger" and "even better" in an endless pursuit of extremes (as corporations and marketers line their bottomless pockets with our dough).

Having said this, I'm not so sure that being too open (psychologically and emotionally) is in the same league with the kind of extremism mentioned above. The motivations are different. Rather than being fueled by a desire--conscious or otherwise--to shock and provoke, the need to be as open, as transparent, to others as we possibly can is fueled by a desire for connection and community--relatedness, in a word. Being transparent, by the way (and oddly enough), means that our congruence and self-consistency are brought into sharper focus for other people; they see us more clearly, not less so.

I'm sure Elizabeth's experience with openness can bear this out; better it is to relate to others as your true self (and let the snickers of a few bigoted jerks go in one ear and out the other) than it is to never relate to others as your true self at all. Not relating to others openly and honestly is a source of terrible stress and anxiety... and I do mean "terrible"--they're the result of an existential terror. Elizabeth has posted about this before, in her thread on "Fear." Once fear (usually, a fear of ourselves more than of others) gives way to openness, once we "surrender" ourselves to our true self rather than forever try to remain in control at all times, we become able to enter into an authentic relationship with both ourselves and others. That there are some (or many or most or whatever) out there who will not like our true self cannot be helped; it's their problem, not ours.

Now, having said all this, I'm not sure if being "too" open necessarily implies making others uncomfortable about who we are. I've been told by others that I'm too open about who I am (even though they've never seen me dressed) and that I may be thus exposing myself to the possibility of harm--physical or otherwise--coming to me. Yes, I know that. I've accepted that (been there, done that). But I will not let the direction of my life be dictated by that fear. Our fears (and anxieties) are like the mean, terrible, and forbidding Wizard of Oz--they're operated by a small and lonely soul, "that man behind the curtain" (which the mean ol' Wizard wants us to pay no attention to). Cathy Anderson, in her own posts, often talks about this (albeit in Jungian terms). Once we step from behind the curtain, once we abandon the notion that we are in control, we become able to relate to other people more genuinely. Surprisingly (or maybe not), people are grateful for this because it sends them the signal that they have nothing to fear from us and this allows them to be more truly who they are with us in return. It's a very liberating feeling for all involved. Yes, there are those who will try to hurt us when we show ourselves to be the fragile and vulnerable (but oh so beautiful!) creatures that we are. That's just life, though. Squandering our energy trying to remain hidden (in the cave of our own souls) from such predators is not living, it's just surviving.

Norman Cousins: "The tragedy of life lies not in the fact of death but of what dies inside us while we live."

If what is inside us never sees the light of day nor ever gets watered, it will slowly wither and die. This, in turn, can make us bitter, angry, and excruciatingly sad.

I find a strange parallel between Elizabeth's openness and my own. Although I don't dress the way she does (my needs in this regard are different from hers), I do let people know who I am, what I am, and how I see myself. I don't hide. And this has brought me, as a "24/7" crossdresser (even if only in my attitudes and not in the way I present to others) pretty much the same things it's brought Elizabeth: honesty, authenticity, respect, love, and the existential bliss that comes from knowing that my outside and my inside are more closely matched and are part of the same whole.

Again, sorry for the long-windedness, all, but I love these topics. They fire me up.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Good morning all,

You leave very little to add to CJ. In your long windedness you have been very thorough. Your comments have brought two thoughts to my mind that I will comment on. The first one is that in the event that cross-dressing forces us into a cocoon it can then have a hidden cost, and may not be the gift we would like it to be. It can in fact work against us. With sites like this one providing the anonymity that face to face situations do not provide, it opens the door for one to be open. Probably to a greater extent than in face to face encounters. That is why it is important to have the proper amount of muscle applied to the forum rules to prevent the dead from burying the living. Which; is very apparent on the more loosely and un-moderated sites.

. Yes, there are those who will try to hurt us when we show ourselves to be the fragile and vulnerable (but oh so beautiful!) creatures that we are. That's just life, though. Squandering our energy trying to remain hidden (in the cave of our own souls) from such predators is not living, it's just surviving.

While I agree with your intended message; that needs to be balanced with not becoming so open that we end up in the morgue along side of some of our not so wise and/or unfortunate sisters who have gone on before us.

[Beauty]

Hi CJ,

Wow. That was so beautiful. I was all deep in thought about what you were saying and then you quoted Norman Cousins,

The tragedy of life lies not in the fact of death, but of what dies inside us while we live.

That was so beautiful. It also made me think of what a tragedy it is to die and have things inside of us that should have lived.

I agree with you about you and Elizabeth. I think you both have similar lives because you are both out. Elizabeth, God Bless her, also faces the daily judgement of others who may notice that she's not a woman as she runs her daily errands or enjoys a walk. You are both beautiful and I hope to one day emulate you in my own life.

Thank you for your wonderful post CJ.

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Hi all,

The tragedy of life lies not in the fact of death, but of what dies inside us while we live.

On the other hand the baggage I carried as a result of being raised in an abusive home had to die in order for what was forced to die in my child hood could live. Then I found out that the more I can get my ego out of the way the better off I am.

I think that agrees?

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Great post CJ.

I have to agree with Darlene, your post is really packed with so much good stuff, there is not a lot to add to it. But of course, rehashing is my specialty and I can hardly resist this thread

Because I possesssed no emotions, for reasons Darlene speaks about in one of her recent threads, when she speaks about growing up in conditions that do not allow for emotions, I was able to make decisions based on probable outcome instead of emotional outcome involving how others might feel about my decision.

When one plays probability rather than emotion, it leads to more correct decisions. The only problem with this, is that it turns out that others hate having thier feelings discounted when they fall into the low probability range. I was absolutely ruthless about making decisions without regard to peoples feelings. I guess I figured that if what I felt about things was unimportant to the extent that I buried my emotions, than why should I consider anyone elses feelings.

I never wanted to be vulnerable. That meant never showing my emtions. If one makes emotional decisions, one shows thier emotions. So I just kept it all in. And what CJ said about dying inside?

CJ wrote:

If what is inside us never sees the light of day nor ever gets watered, it will slowly wither and die. This, in turn, can make us bitter, angry, and excruciatingly sad.

Well? that was me. I was bitter, I was angry and I was so sad I thought about killing myself almost daily. I was not living my life. Nothing was working. And in the end, I had to let go of all of it.

I had seen the power of opening up. I had helped two people through drug and alcohol rehab. I went to literally hundreds of meetings. And strangely, I could see the same things wrong in my life, that was wrong in all these drug addict and alcoholics lives, even though I had no such addictions.

But I had something that they did have. I had a big secret. I had no self esteem. I had problems with interpersonal relationships. And I absolutely did not let anyone know who I really was.

So when I came here and came out to all of you and admitted for the very first time ever, I was a crossdresser, it was like saying "Hi, I'm Rudy and I'm a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ addict". I went and borrowed "The twelve steps and Traditions of AA" I already knew what I had to do. I had to bare my soul to my peers. To be judged by those like me and who understand what it means to be like me.

And just like any 12 step program, it never ends. But the key element is living for today. Not worrying about tomorrow until it gets here. I never was able to live in the now. I had to try to predict the future so I could decide what I was going to do. That does not mean to have no concern about the future. It simply means not to worry about the future. The future is uncertain. The past has already happened and is unmoveable. There is only this very moment.

Which I was missing, worrying about the future or the past, both of which i could do nothing about. I have been critisized about how open I have been here. I have heard comments like "do you have to tell them everything that goes on in your life?". And my answer is, "yes, I do". It allows me to live in the moment.

And I hope that just as those who came before me in all those meetings gave me to courage to open up. Perhaps I can give someone the courage to open up. That others can see they are imprisoned by thier secrets, their feelings, and what they percieve as their wrongs, be it agains them, or against others.

My challenge each day is to live my life how I see fit. To be honest with those around me, but mostly to be honest with myself. For those of you who helped me and continue to help me be honest with myself, I thank you. And I am humbled for any of my sisters here to speak their name in the same breath as mine.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Hi all,

Darlene,

You're absolutely right, I think. Norman Cousins' view has a corollary that could read something like this: The tragedy of life lies not in the fact of death but of what is killed inside us while we live.

Great strength and courage (and a little help from those who care about us) are required to bring that something back to life once we reach adulthood.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Great strength and courage (and a little help from those who care about us) are required to bring that something back to life once we reach adulthood.

Hi all,

CJ.

The biggest problem I have encountered is what it takes for one to realize that they need to take this route. That is where my burden for others lays, and if you understand that about me? You will then understand why I some times post the way I do.

I believe that once one becomes aware of what needs to be worked on they will at least take a look at working on it. However; I have met some who consider what they would have to go through (in order to regain what has been lost to them) as being to (internally) painful for them to agree to take that route. I consider myself fortunate that I was unaware prior to embarking on that route, of the pain I would have to go through to reach the other side. I doubt I would have traveled there had I known.

In fact it took a major crisis in my life, (that set me on my butt,) that forced me to choose between revenge and suicide or the alternative that we speak of here. Consequently I do not view some one arriving at a place where they consider suicide as such a bad thing. For some it might be necessary as it was for me. There is life beyond that for those who choose it. And it has been a better life for me once I got through the pain.

And Yes I think there are those who have been here and left, as well as some who are present who are yet to face this cross road in there life. But will; (at some future date) in spite of all there defenses.

Our forum “sweet heart” Elizabeth is an example of one who has (successfully) faced this cross- road in her life and is now enjoying the results.

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Darlene,

You have really been getting to the meat and potatos of all this lately. I had to reread you last post several times to make sure I was grasping all of it.

However; I have met some who consider what they would have to go through (in order to regain what has been lost to them) as being to (internally) painful for them to agree to take that route. I consider myself fortunate that I was unaware prior to embarking on that route, of the pain I would have to go through to reach the other side. I doubt I would have traveled there had I known.

Are you saying that some choose to go this route, and others like you and me are forced down the path before we are aware that it leads to such pain and lows?

Consequently I do not view some one arriving at a place where they consider suicide as such a bad thing. For some it might be necessary as it was for me.

You beleive you could not have arrived at this point, had there not been a crisis to provoke it?

Because I have considered this also, and I am certain I would not have chosen this path deliberately either. My proof being, I never did. It was not until there was a crisis in my life, that I chose to confront the other aspects of my life, like being a crossdresser.

So? how do we help our sisters out there who are having a really crappy life like I was, but like me, are too afraid to do anything in fear of provoking a crises, which may cause them to confront their demons. Better to gloss it over, and agree to terms. That is what I did for 14 years. It was not until my marriage literally exploded that I decided to clear the table and confront everything. But, it was only because I felt I had nothing to lose.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Are you saying that some choose to go this route, and others like you and me are forced down the path before we are aware that it leads to such pain and lows?

I am saying the pain I went through on the road to recovery is something I don’t think I would have chosen to go through had I been aware of it prior to beginning my journey. I am saying that I am aware of others who have witnessed some one going through that pain and said uh uh no way am I about to go through that; that’s not for me. In spite of the fact that they are in desperate need of recovery. I am saying that there are some who arrive at the same cross road that you and I have, who will not take the route you and I have taken.

I also say that your and my first marriage was no mistake. It is not wasted years as we tend to view it. You and I have gained what we have as a result of what we went through. You and I have taken negatives that others did not have and turned them into positives. I am saying that because of that you have a rich life ahead of you. All the money in the world can not buy a Raven like you have. Had you not gone through what you did you would not have that Raven because you would not be the kind of person you are today.

Boy; get me on the right topic and I can be long winded too.

You believe you could not have arrived at this point, had there not been a crisis to provoke it?

That is correct. I believe your and my crises was no mistake.

So? how do we help our sisters out there who are having a really crappy life like I was, but like me, are too afraid to do anything in fear of provoking a crises, which may cause them to confront their demons.

Well for some we assist them on there way toward their crises. (that one makes you real popular) For others we post the kind of stuff you and I as well as others here post in hopes that some will benefit from it earlier than you and I, and be able to avoid some of the pain we went through. As well as hoping they will arrive there sooner than you and I. So that they may have more of life to enjoy once they have gone through it. I am still amazed at the speed you went through yours. (Much faster than I did.)

But, it was only because I felt I had nothing to lose.

Many people will only start moving in that direction when they find them selves in a position where they have nothing to loose

When one is going through their crisis you need people like CJ. and Beauty (as well as others that we have here) who are full of compassion to help them along. But they definitely don’t need every one supporting them in that way. I had one person (supporting me) and that was quite enough.

[Elizabeth]

HI girls,

When one is going through their crisis you need people like CJ. and Beauty (as well as others that we have here) who are full of compassion to help them along. But they definitely don’t need every one supporting them in that way. I had one person (supporting me) and that was quite enough.

Love always,
Elizabeth