Hi Elizabeth,
I realize the following topic may be better brought up in private but I thought that it might generate an interesting discussion (plus, I know that you rarely shy away from sharing your life and thoughts with us), so here goes.
Has your attitude about who you are changed as a result of your recent brush with death?
Please, Elizabeth, feel free not to answer this (or to answer via a PM); I'll understand.
Love,
CJ
P.S.
Phone me some time, eh?
A question for Elizabeth.
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi CJ and the rest of the girls,
The short answer is yes. However, I don't want to be mellow damatic either. It was a mild heart attack which caused minimal damage to my heart about the size of a shirt button. Many people ignore these kinds of heart attacks as they are not very painful.
Having said that, I am sure it has changed me in ways I have yet to calculate. First, this is not my fisrt brush with death. I had a suicide attempt last year that only failed because I did not know that vicodin was time released. I took 35 of them and had I crushed them up, we would not be having this pleasant conversation. But even though that experience really changed me, this changed me in a different way.
This was out of my control. I don't have high cholesterol and only borderline high blood pressure. My arteries in my heart at not clogged beyond what is normal for a 44 year old male and they still don't know how or why I had this heart attack. But just for those reasons it has made me much more aware of my mortality.
I have changed how I eat for instance. And even though because of my Fibromyalgia I can not exercise everyday, I am exercising as much as I can. Since my heart attack on September 11, I have lost 37 lbs. I never really worried a great deal about my wieght before. I lost weight when I wanted to and ate like a pig when I wanted to. Now eating food that is bad for me could cost me my life.
A life that I now cherish. Which brings me back to my suicide attempt. Suicide is a very selfish act. So when I survived it, I realized how selfish it was. That realization is what caused me to really come to terms with my crossdressing. I figured that if not getting to dress and be who I was could make me feel so bad that I could be selfish enough to just leave my children behind and all the pain it would cause them, I could be selfish enough to live my life as the person I really am.
I decided that what I needed was a reason to live that was selfish. Something just for me. I was so unhappy and so worried about what everyone else thought, I was willing to kill myself. I thought killing myself would spare my children the embarassment of having a crossdressing dad. I figured they would have my life insurance, which pays on suicide, be rid of the embarrassing dad and things would be much better than having a disabled, crossdressing dad.
Of course the truth turned out to be far from that. My children love me just the same and being able to crossdress has made my life happy. Yes I have a new awareness of my mortality and I now look forward to my future. I guess the biggest change is that I know that the unexpected can happen and that one never knows what can and will happen.
Love always,
Elizabeth
The short answer is yes. However, I don't want to be mellow damatic either. It was a mild heart attack which caused minimal damage to my heart about the size of a shirt button. Many people ignore these kinds of heart attacks as they are not very painful.
Having said that, I am sure it has changed me in ways I have yet to calculate. First, this is not my fisrt brush with death. I had a suicide attempt last year that only failed because I did not know that vicodin was time released. I took 35 of them and had I crushed them up, we would not be having this pleasant conversation. But even though that experience really changed me, this changed me in a different way.
This was out of my control. I don't have high cholesterol and only borderline high blood pressure. My arteries in my heart at not clogged beyond what is normal for a 44 year old male and they still don't know how or why I had this heart attack. But just for those reasons it has made me much more aware of my mortality.
I have changed how I eat for instance. And even though because of my Fibromyalgia I can not exercise everyday, I am exercising as much as I can. Since my heart attack on September 11, I have lost 37 lbs. I never really worried a great deal about my wieght before. I lost weight when I wanted to and ate like a pig when I wanted to. Now eating food that is bad for me could cost me my life.
A life that I now cherish. Which brings me back to my suicide attempt. Suicide is a very selfish act. So when I survived it, I realized how selfish it was. That realization is what caused me to really come to terms with my crossdressing. I figured that if not getting to dress and be who I was could make me feel so bad that I could be selfish enough to just leave my children behind and all the pain it would cause them, I could be selfish enough to live my life as the person I really am.
I decided that what I needed was a reason to live that was selfish. Something just for me. I was so unhappy and so worried about what everyone else thought, I was willing to kill myself. I thought killing myself would spare my children the embarassment of having a crossdressing dad. I figured they would have my life insurance, which pays on suicide, be rid of the embarrassing dad and things would be much better than having a disabled, crossdressing dad.
Of course the truth turned out to be far from that. My children love me just the same and being able to crossdress has made my life happy. Yes I have a new awareness of my mortality and I now look forward to my future. I guess the biggest change is that I know that the unexpected can happen and that one never knows what can and will happen.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Elizabeth,
Thanks for your honest reply.
I have to admit I wasn't thinking about your suicide attempt when I asked the question. But that would certainly count, too.
I asked the question because I'm still very impressed by the changes you've been making to your life in the past year (nice set of pix you posted a couple days ago, by the way). Awareness of our own mortality (and finitude) will do that, I guess. It's often the case that people experience a radical kind of "enlightenment" when they come close to dying. Not only does their life "flash before their eyes," but so does their life as it could be (or could've been).
This is one thing I try to do, as well; namely to live every day as though it were my very last. It doesn't create big changes in my life but it forces me to look at what's going on around me with fresh eyes daily. Sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit blue--as has been the case recently--this requires a bit more conscious effort on my part.
About suicide, I think you're right; it would not have removed a crossdressing dad from the life of your sons... it merely would have made it the case that your sons had a crossdressing dad who committed suicide. There's a big difference--and that difference is life itself. People who commit suicide are not looking for death; no, they're looking for ways to make the pain stop. Better it is to address the source of that pain and to do our best to deal with it. Sometimes, help is required. There's no shame in that. All I can say is: treasure Raven.
Again, Elizabeth, thank you for your openness and honesty.
Love,
CJ
Thanks for your honest reply.
I have to admit I wasn't thinking about your suicide attempt when I asked the question. But that would certainly count, too.
I asked the question because I'm still very impressed by the changes you've been making to your life in the past year (nice set of pix you posted a couple days ago, by the way). Awareness of our own mortality (and finitude) will do that, I guess. It's often the case that people experience a radical kind of "enlightenment" when they come close to dying. Not only does their life "flash before their eyes," but so does their life as it could be (or could've been).
This is one thing I try to do, as well; namely to live every day as though it were my very last. It doesn't create big changes in my life but it forces me to look at what's going on around me with fresh eyes daily. Sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit blue--as has been the case recently--this requires a bit more conscious effort on my part.
About suicide, I think you're right; it would not have removed a crossdressing dad from the life of your sons... it merely would have made it the case that your sons had a crossdressing dad who committed suicide. There's a big difference--and that difference is life itself. People who commit suicide are not looking for death; no, they're looking for ways to make the pain stop. Better it is to address the source of that pain and to do our best to deal with it. Sometimes, help is required. There's no shame in that. All I can say is: treasure Raven.
Again, Elizabeth, thank you for your openness and honesty.
Love,
CJ
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi girls,
CJ and Virginia,
I do cherish Raven every single day. I make sure that no day goes by that she does not feel my love for her. What the pictures don't show is how much she loves me and how great she treats me. Not only does she accept my crossdressing, but she helps me and encourages me and tells me how pretty I look.
Acceptance is one thing, but when a person really shows it by telling you that you look pretty or sexy one can really feel it. When someone is with you in public and puts their arm around you and hugs and kisses you not caring if others think she is weird or a lesbian.
I brought up the issue of suicide not only because it had a profound effect on my life, but also because I know that many of our members here confront this. Years of self-loathing and hating oneself along with the depression and feeling trapped, that all of this can bring, gets a lot of us thinking maybe it is better to just be dead than to have to live this life of pain.
My message to all of my fellow sisters out there is that you don't have to die. You can confront and unaccepting spouse, you can survive divorce, losing your job, losing your children, friends and family members who desert you when you need them the most. You can rise above it all and not only survive, but live a better, happier life.
You can find someone who will love and accept you, or perhaps your own spouse is one of the ones with the strength and courage needed to survive this. In the end we have choices. They are not always easy, and sometimes you can seem all alone but it can be done. I know, because I have done it.
It really is our choice, who we are.
Love always,
Elizabeth
CJ and Virginia,
I do cherish Raven every single day. I make sure that no day goes by that she does not feel my love for her. What the pictures don't show is how much she loves me and how great she treats me. Not only does she accept my crossdressing, but she helps me and encourages me and tells me how pretty I look.
Acceptance is one thing, but when a person really shows it by telling you that you look pretty or sexy one can really feel it. When someone is with you in public and puts their arm around you and hugs and kisses you not caring if others think she is weird or a lesbian.
I brought up the issue of suicide not only because it had a profound effect on my life, but also because I know that many of our members here confront this. Years of self-loathing and hating oneself along with the depression and feeling trapped, that all of this can bring, gets a lot of us thinking maybe it is better to just be dead than to have to live this life of pain.
My message to all of my fellow sisters out there is that you don't have to die. You can confront and unaccepting spouse, you can survive divorce, losing your job, losing your children, friends and family members who desert you when you need them the most. You can rise above it all and not only survive, but live a better, happier life.
You can find someone who will love and accept you, or perhaps your own spouse is one of the ones with the strength and courage needed to survive this. In the end we have choices. They are not always easy, and sometimes you can seem all alone but it can be done. I know, because I have done it.
It really is our choice, who we are.
Love always,
Elizabeth