I am at an impass.

[Gaven McLaren]

I am at an impass in my crossdressing. I have bought some nice things lately and do not have the courage to wear them out of my house. I want to but everytime I go to do it I have this little voice in the back of my head that throughs a temper tantrum and will not let me do it. I know that for the most part there is not anything that anyone can truly say to stop me. I just have this case of self doubt and fear. That is the first problem the second problem is that I want to come out and tell all of my family and friends that I crossdress and have come very close to doing so a few times. I have this fear that when my older sister finds out that she will freak and I will never be able to see my neice or nephew again. She is not very understanding and my brother in law is a homophobe and will not think there is a difference between wearing clothing designed for women ( I do not say womens clothes as the second I buy it is now my clothes there for mens clothes) and needing to be with a man. My two younger sisters I do not think would have an issue but I still have a hard time telling them. I know it is fear of rejection which is something I have delt with my whole life. One reason I have not had a true girlfriend. Please help me out here. Any ideas would be welcome.

[DonnaT]

Well, before you decide to tell anyone close to you, you need to accept yourself completely. This entails getting past the fears you've talked about. Fear is usually a symptom of self doubt, and if you doubt yourself, your whole self, then how can you explain it to others without showing that doubt, that fear.

I suggest you take time to go away somewhere to dress and get out in public. Or at least dress with others of a like mind. Like a trans support group meeting, or one of the many trans events around the country.

[Sally]

Hi Gaven,

Yes, fear is one emotion which plays havoc with our mental processes and brings other emotions into play, sometimes it works for us and sometimes it works against us doesn't it. Fear of losing someone or fear of rejection can sap our confidence and causes us to conjure up all sorts of negative thoughts and self doubts in our head, but there is always an answer to every problem, even if we have to finally accept something less than 100% of what we'd like. Sometimes less than 100% is way better than nothing at all.

One suggestion if I may offer it, is to choose carefully which person (relative) you believe will be able to deal calmly and rationally with what you're going to tell them if you come to the conclusion that you really need to have someone to confide in. From my personal experience it gives life a complete new meaning once we 'come out of the closet' to someone who doesn't freak out about it all.

Sometimes if the need to tell is getting too hard to handle, it's better to hurry slowly by just telling one person, and thereby you obtain that release and gain a confidante who will support you and give you that 'shoulder' we all need from time to time. This way can be advantageous over telling en masse to the family and risking having a percentage of people handle it ok and risking some of them freaking out. It also gives you that opportunity to discuss with that person over time who else you can pick out who would possibly be able to accept it all and if need be keep what they know to themselves.

If you believe there is a high risk of upsetting particular relatives thereby causing a chain reaction and you risk losing contact with nephews or neices, then maybe you may need to consider if what you would gain would outweigh what you may possibly lose by telling everyone.

It's very difficult I know, as I've been there done that and if I had my time over again maybe there are some choices I may have given more thinking time to, but we have to be guided by our inner voices at times and hope for the sake of everyone concerned that our choices turn out to be the right ones, but this applies to most things in our day to day lives doesn't it. I always try to seek out the best possible solution to any problem which will solve any current need, yet cause the minimum amount of damage or upheavel amongst my immediate family. There are some people we never want to put at risk of losing and there are some we may not be really fussed over what happens with them, it's just a matter of our prioroities.

I believe that there is a high possibility that if you solve your problem of coming out to some family members, then as a flow on, the other problem of getting out and about in your chosen clothes may well solve itself. Solving the family problem first may well give you the confidence you need to erase any self doubts you may be harbouring by living with your 'secret' in silence. There is more than one way of tackling our problems, we just have to decipher what suits our personal situation best, having regard to the family members you'll be dealing with, and you're in the best position to know them.

I wish you well with a difficult situation and I sincerely hope you find the best solution for all concerned, and you get the results you seek.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Anita]

Hi Gaven--
That is a tough place to be in, while the need to get out and the need to stay in do a tug-of-war in your head. There's no peace in that at all.

I understand the fear that you might get cut off from your niece and nephew. I wish people did not react this way, but they do.

If I remember right, you do not wear wigs, forms, or makeup, do you? That makes it harder to go out, in some ways. There seems to be less acceptance of a man who wants to wear clothes designed for women, but not alter his appearance in any other way. It takes great courage to go out this way, and it is not easy to think about. Even going to a town where people don't know you is still hard, because you will attract attention. There's no passing or blending in if you do it this way.

If I'm mistaken, and you do want to do a more femme appearance, then I would agree with Donna that another city works fine for this. Support groups are so important, too!

[Bernice]

The first problem is easier to give advice for. Take small steps. Go out at night. Stay mostly in your car. Over time, if you find you enjoy this, it will become much easier. Eventually, you can go out in the daytime. Walk before you run, etc.

The second problem is much more complex, and way beyond my expertise. But I will advise you to come out one person at a time. A whole room full of shocked relatives going ballistic sounds very dangerous to me.

At some point, the need to be yourself will outweigh the risk of a bad outcome. Only you can determine the right time.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Gaven McLaren]

Thank you for all the advice. I will take it to heart and think about it. It is true that I do not want to look more Fem.