I told my sponsor

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Jun 26, 2006 8:17 am

As I have posted here from time to time I participate in a 12 step program of recovery and have done so successfully for a number of years. I have had my current sponsor for about 5 years now. Periodically we go through a writing exercise called an inventory, where am I at, what are my character defects and assets, how am I living my life and so on. Last time I did this was before my crossdressing really took off and since there wasn't much to say it didn't even occur to me to put anything about it on the list.

We were talking yesterday and he asked me something he does from time to time: what are you currently planning on taking to your grave with you? I told him that I had acquired a new secret that I would prefer not to share with him at this time and he said fine but lets talk about secrecy and how it affects you. We did for a while and I said that I know that he would be fine with my secret but I wasn't sure I could handle telling him and he said fine. Then a little while later I told him about CDing.

We talked for a while about it. To explain what a sponsor is I should say that they are not professional in any way. Not a therapist or clergy or anything and even if they have such credentials it is not considered a relevant way of relating in this relationship. They are also not a friend although the relationship often feels like a good friend. They bascially guide you through the 12 steps based on how it was for them. A good sponsor is very close mouthed, to the point that someone else wouldn't even think to ask them questions about what they may have heard. And believe me, they hear an awful lot as most of us have made a major train wreck of our lives at some point. The main difference here was that I was sharing about ongoing behavior in recovery rather than stuff that happened prior to recovery.

We talked some about CDing and what I think it does for me and more about the whole secrecy issue-addicts are notoriously secretive. His take on the CDing itself is that I want it to be private that is my business and to ask myself who really has a need to know? Or who do I have a need to not be so secretive from? Three people really, him, my therapist, and my wife, and for me the issue with my wife is the secret itself. We talked about that a lot and how I think knowing would be difficult for her and don't really know when or if I should tell her. Similar to the discussion of all this with my therapist.

He really seemed very matter of fact about all this and in the end thanked me for trusting him enough to tell him. As far as I can tell that is probably about it for him. The whole thing in many ways was sort of a non event.

I showed him this website and let him read a few of my posts. He read a few of the replies. Jeanie you will be tickled to know that before reading one of yours he looked at your avatar and asked why were women posting here.....

Made my day and I really wanted to tell my wife how excited I was at being able to share this with my sponsor. But little steps.........

Absaroka

CJ · Post by CJ » Mon Jun 26, 2006 1:30 pm

Hi all,

That's most excellent, Absaroka!

There are many resemblances between what I do for a living and the kind of sponsorship you're talking about; we're invited into the private lives of people (including into the playground of their minds); we act as sounding boards or gentle counselors or advocates; we reflect back to people what it is we think we heard and understood so that they may better assess (and explain to themselves) their own thoughts, ideas, opinions, and behaviours. In times of crisis (and those times are many), we hold their hands and help them raise themselves up again when they've fallen. We never judge, even though we'll do all we can to make people realize that they must own up to, and be responsible for, what they need and want out of life. We never throw in the towel even though we're sometimes sorely tempted (going around in circles gets stale after a few years).

One thing I've learned over the years at this job: the true needs and desires and fears of people will only ever come to the fore once a trusting relationship has been established--and that can take years. People do, indeed, take baby steps--the best kind. Armstrong's "one small step for (a) man; one giant leap for mankind" applies here, as well. Every tiny victory you can claim for yourself (such as lifting the veil of painful secrecy in order to show another person your true, vulnerable self) adds up and fuels your "becoming real," both to yourself and to others. It's awesome when that happens. I'm thrilled for you, Absaroka. May you continue on this widening road!

Love,
CJ

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Mon Jun 26, 2006 7:30 pm

HI Absaroka,
What I know about you - you are a wonderful ambassador for us and you may have just converted your advisor, not to crossdressing but to an educational experience that we are out here, we are intelligent, we are kind, loving, empathic people who are on our own "Magical Mystery Tour" and seek only acceptance of our 'gift." I know you did not have time to go into depth as from what you said it was about you --- as it should have been, but you hopefullp peaked his imagination and widened his understanding.
Keep the faith, girlfriend. I am proud of you!
Virginia

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Jun 28, 2006 2:10 pm

what struck me the most about this was how as far as he was concerned the crossdressing itself was a non issue. His primary concern was the issues of trust and secrecy.

We had a party here last night. Several friends I have known from recovery fro many years plus other friends. One of them does drag occaisionally the primary orientation of this is theatricallity. I thought how I could tell any of them and it would not be that important. Of course we are talking here about what I do in my private life, not anything public. Or with the program friends I could simply say that I had recently shared some stuff with my sponsor I thought I would never tell anyone and they would be quite happy and probably not even ask what it was-this is something we all do at times.

Lots of stuff to think about here for me.

Virginia based on his reaction I don't think there is any need for me to consider myself any kind of ambassador. But thanks for the vote of confidence.

Absaroka

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Wed Jun 28, 2006 10:26 pm

Absaroka wrote:what struck me the most about this was how as far as he was concerned the crossdressing itself was a non issue. His primary concern was the issues of trust and secrecy.

What strikes me about what you just wrote is how closely it parallels what many wives say when they find out about the partner's secret after many years of hiding.

Deep inside I think I have come to the conclusion that the secrecy is not healthy, though I have no secret remedy for the fear that goes with the uncertain outcome of revealing such a private part of ourselves. I'm just glad I had the courage to be myself with my girlfriend before we married 30 years ago.

That old cliche about honesty being the best policy seems to have a lot going for it.

Hugs,

Bernice

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:14 am

SO what I have done istell a few friends in the rooms that yes I told my sponsor a bunch of real personal stuff and it was fine. And they all had the same reaction-that's wonderful, how do you feel and so on without any of them asking what the secret was. Because we all have them. Put me in mind of a post here about private vs. secret.

Absaroka

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 4:28 pm

Just breaking in with a quick

to Beem. Nice to see you here.

Terri(SO) · Post by **Terri(SO)** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 6:52 pm

OK DonnaT since you did, I will too. I hope nobody minds us highjacking the thread.
Welcome Beem! I've been reading your posts on MHB and I look forward to reading more from you here too.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 10:27 pm

Well, I guess since the thread's been hijacked, another welcome won't hurt!!

Welcome to the forum, Beem!! We're always glad to have another SO on board!!

- - Okay, we're now back to the thread after this short 'welcome' break!!

- SL