The need for negotiation

[Penni SO]

[b]Negotiation

Hi ya all,

The need for negotiation in any relationship is extremely important.
Once you have come out of the darkness about your crossdressing,it is very easy to get carried away so to speak.
If your partner is accepting or slightly accepting, for the relationship to continue and blossom,you need to have rules and boundaries.
This is so important that you both talk about these issues,listening to each other finding out together as much as you can on relationships with crossdressing involvment.

In my first marriage,I was so happy that my femme had come out about his dressing ,that I forgot about my needs.I wanted him to feel free,happy and supported.

Danielle began to dress every night,however Danielle expected me to be intimate with him also every night.
Then the there was the issue of Danielle going out for late night walks.
Then the issue of Danielle smoking when in boy mode she sis'nt.
For sometime we carried on this way,because as I said I wanted my husband to be happy.

This day came crashing down when Danielle asked if she could dress me like she would have me dress.Well I looked like the hooker from hell.
I at that time was heavily involved in waterpolo,aerobics,jogging etc,so I liked the sporty look.Well that day I lost it screaming he was selfish and self centred.What was his reply,"Penni you never said anything""I thought you were happy"
So too keep things together we did sit down and we did set out boundaries.

I told him that I was'nt happy being intimate every night whilst he was dressed,I told him I was scared for him when he went walking out at night.
As you can imagine the list was lengthy.
When your first out about your dressing,provide as much info as you can to your spouse,give her space to absorb it all,she will go through many emotions anger,resentment,embarrassment and fear.Most of all negotiate on the frequency of your dressing,remeber she may not like you to dress every day.
You will need to ask her if she minds being with you when you dress.
Your partner may be o.k with you going out dressed,however she may want you to leave and enter the house from the back.
BUDGET the big one,make sure you sit down and decide how much you can spend on items etc,remember there is often a family that have needs,honesty about spendage is an important negotiation.
All the above will tie in with your spouses emotions.

The fear-Because you are now out in the open and dressing,she may fear that your going to have a sex change,she will fear if you have children and your dressing at night that the children may find out accidentially.
She may fear that your work mates will find out and you could lose your job.

Anger_ the biggy why was'nt I told before we got married
Why do I have to worry when you go out
Why do you have to dress in a dress anyway

Resentment- Why are you spending so much on clothes
What about me.

Embarrassment- What if someone see's you leaving the house
What about the relatives

So from all the above you can see why negotiation is very important.

So my friends how do you negotiate with your spouses?

HUgs Penni
[/b]

[DonnaT]

This issue has been raised a few time here. For example:

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... hp?p=55311

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... hp?p=73783

There have been lots of compromises with my wife. However, I've come very close to canceling them all.

Why?

In the 31 years we've been married, I've never started an argument with my wife over anything she has done. What's done is done, and I could never see a reason to argue about what ever it was.

My wife has started arguments, however. Take for instance, buying some particular item, such as a skirt. Last night I was wearing a pink skirt, one which I have worn several times, btw. She didn't recognize it for some reason I don't why. She didn't ask "How long have you had that?", but instead in an accusatory manner asked, "Have you been shopping again?"

Heck, I bought that skirt last year in Texas. Not to mention that I rarely go shopping for clothes, men's or women's. And if I do, it usually has to be on sale.

However, I still believe in compromise, but I don't believe that should be the end of it. I don't want to be limited in my freedom to express myself should the need arise, when no harm will come out of doing so.

Compromise, but don't promise something when you know it's likely that you'll eventually break that promise. And don't ask your partner to make such a promise.

[Paulie]

Wow, Donna....
Your wife's response sounds exactly like mine!!

I've heard that same line over and over. And, of course, I do love to shop for clothes, shoes, etc. But, I also look for sales and clearances or stay with the discounters like Ross, TJMax and those. I've been able to get some really incredible deals over the years.

My wife will make comments such as "you've got more clothes than me". Which is really only true for panties! LOL

She can buy clothes anytime she'd like and I never question her for doing so. Problem is, she never likes anything after she tries it on.

Anyway, I do try to compromise whenever it keeps the peace. It's just confusing sometimes to know where you should draw the line on it.

[Jamie Sue]

I've heard those same words from my SO. I'm just trying to find my place. Thank you for the post.

[Virginia]

Well, I was going to post my situation, but it is really not important. I will say this, if this divorce is ever over!!! Virginia intends to show up at (my hopefully soon to be "ex's")her house, well it's her parents house. She has never seen Virginia and had previously stated that she NEVER wanted to see Virginia. Well guess what - not only can I out dress her, I think I can pretty much "out-woman" her too!
It finally dawned on me that everytime we had any type of crisis she always, ALWAYS ran to Momma!!!!
Sorry, my problem, my situation and I intend for her whole family to meet Virginia - yes an "in your face!" especially for her "crossdressing" minister/father!
Virginia

[Bernice]

Penni,

You seem to have it so all-together that I doubt you will have any trouble in your relationship with him. How did you get so wise?

Virginia, dear...

Just what do you intend to achieve by confronting the witch? Given her antisocial and hateful behavior, there's no question in any of our minds who is the better woman. So why bother? Unless you have doubts...
You never know, your ex might become violent. How would the new love of your life feel if you were injured or killed? My advice is to forget your ex. Turn the other cheek. Your ex is not worth even your contemplation of confrontation. Trust me, she'll hate being ignored and forgotten worse than anything else you could do to her.