Pepper Spray

Lacey Hadley · Post by **Lacey Hadley** » Tue Jan 06, 2004 9:38 pm

Jadhe wrote:One thing seems more certain each passing day for me, I'll never have the courage to go out in public, all dressed up cute and girly. Unless I have a mob of other crossdressers with me.

As nice as it sounds, I don't think confidence is going to protect you all that much. Who knows, but I have my doubts.

Hi... don't say that, you are making assumptions. I do not have much experience being out, but I have and the first time was to meet other cders and I was pumped and had little fear. Group mentality helps. As for why I find it hard to go out, it is not much about being dressed and passable as I know I can pass well enough to be accepted and probably not bothered, but I am more in fear of my neighbours seeing me and then having to wonder how they might think of me. Strangers IMO I could hardly care less esp. if it would be a safer surroundings or with others. But I have to live in my neighbourhood and being seen xdressed puts more fear in me ( too much as I know it is more in my head.) But my last GF was into my cding and we were moving me along to a point where in her company I was bridging the fears of what others might think. I am alone with my cding now accept for family and a coworker who knows , but I would not want to burdon them with having to be with me to go out dressed unless anyone one of them asked to do so. So this is my fear, NOT THE MALL, or the GAS STATION etc. but the neighbours... It's my burdon to deal with.

But do not think you will never go out as you's be surpriused at how things could chnage esp. if you have support.

Jadhe · Post by **Jadhe** » Tue Jan 06, 2004 10:09 pm

I have the heart of a coward.

Lacey Hadley · Post by **Lacey Hadley** » Wed Jan 07, 2004 4:25 am

I think we all can relate to being cowardice. I noted my fear is being seen by neighbours more so than being out and about. I also know the fear is more misplaced in our heads. This is the same for anything that is new, or requires an effort above what we are use to.

I get pissed at myself for failing to act on my desires to go out dressed enfemme to even saying the HELL WITH IT and showing androgony by dressing with femme articles in male mode. I mean really the chances of something bad happening if done so in daily life in public are slim and none. Oh I know being read would be scary or if androgynous having to hear snickers and comments, but really compared to many of the risks in life we take from job, to home to "HELL" borrowing money for house or car etc. It is crazy to be so fearful.

I get angry at myself that I allow more likely misplaced thoughts about me from maybe others ( esp. STRANGERS ) from keeping me from BEING WHO THE HELL I AM.

I have promised myself that if I am too find TRUE LOVE, she will know from virtualy DAY ONE. If I have a family I too will not be ashamed to explain this to my kids once they grow old enough to understand. If I can't entrust a calm disscussion of who I am to my family including older kids, then I am admitting shame. I WON'T BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF... I did that for years almost taking mylife once. I am going to remain cautious and not be stupid, but I must confront my fears of what others might think. If I cannot I will not close my personal circle.... Now I am only spoeaking for myself, but my journey will include such or my life will lack a personal fulfillness.

A few months ago I confided in a female coworker about my cding. I was nervous but I tested her POV's first. After I told her she basically nicely said " So What"? She has since then seen photos of me dressed and commented that I look good. I even gave her a tape I had about the movie "Just like a woman" and she was captivated by it.

So we are on our own journies and we all move at differing levels, but DAMMIT I will fight through my cowardice, I encourage you and all others to battle through yours too. It may not come overnight but we must be confident in ourselves, WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE, cding is not a crime, it is a TRUTHFULL extention of ourselves.

regards: Lacey

Jadhe · Post by **Jadhe** » Wed Jan 07, 2004 9:09 am

You're a strong person, that's for sure. I admire that. But there's no strenght like that inside of me. Life has been kicking me around like some empty old bucket, and it hurts. So I can't help but to be fearful of the future, and everything else that might happen to me. Such is life.

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Jan 07, 2004 9:41 am

Hi all,

Lacey,

I was on the bus one afternoon in Victoria. I was dressed in femme clothes, although androgynously so (slacks and slightly sheer blouse, through which my bra was visible). A young couple two or three seats behind me started talking, just above a whisper, about me. I heard her say, "...but he's wearing a bra!" He replied, "Yeah, that's because he's a transvestite--what people call a crossdresser..." And then this young gent went on to explain to her, whispering all the while, what a crossdresser is. And his was a great description, full of warmth, humanity, compassion, and humour. At that very moment, I'd never felt so proud to be who I am! I've seen the possible extremes in how people treat us, and this whispered conversation renewed my faith in the basic goodness of people. This boost I got as a result of not letting my fears overwhelm me. I don't go out en femme much but many people in my life know who and what I am, so discovery becomes a moot point. Yes, Lacey, I agree with you: best that your eventual SO learn as early as possible that you're a CD. That way, you get the opportunity to be who you truly are with her and she gets to decide whether this is something she wants or not. You're both empowered.

Fear leads to withdrawal; withdrawal leads to cynicism; cynicism leads to alienation; alienation leads to depression and suicide.

Don't fear.

Be.

Love,
CJ