Today I chose to stop being Bi-gendered and become a "normal " male .
I wanted to throw out all Jennifers things,never to have to deal with it again.Problem was,underneath that choice was the need to be Jennifer.
I didnt purge and I did change into my femme self.This brought up the question of choice or need.I realize everyone is different and I can only speak for how I feel.As long as I can remember I have felt the need to be a girl at times.It was only after I realized how most of society felt did I make the choice to want to be normal.
This proves to me that being gender gifted is hardwired to whoI am.The stress and all the garbage that goes along with it seems to be what was nurtured into me.I just makes me wonder.
I have put a lot into trying to be "normal" lately. It only seems to bring more guilt and negative feelings on myself. Those rare times when I can be truthful with myself and enjoy being transwhatever, I'm infinitely happier. My problem is staying in that mind set. I wish I could tell you the secret to being at peace with this dual gender thing but it has eluded me for 40 years or so already. If it makes you feel better you look like a lovely lady in your avatar.
I am just curious, in your decision to be "normal", was this decision made because you don't want to be a crossdresser or because society don't want you to be a crossdresser?
Elizabeth,I do want it to go away at times because of what society and in particular the ones who are closest to me think.No harm is meant, but it is happening.It doesnt help that I am now withdrawing from everyone to avoid the pain.I know that this is unhealthy and I keep working at it.I actually like who I am.It really helps being able to come to this forum and talk.Its nice not being alone
Jennifer,
For me it's a need, like anything else in life some of us just must do it. My hardest time is over the weekend when the grand kids are home and I can't dress. I'm just hooked for life.
Sometimes it happens that the more you stress about something, the more complicated you make the situation and you start to see things in your mind’s eye which really aren’t there. You can become more and more confused and eventually there’s so much spinning round in your head you don’t know what it is exactly you need or want, and we can do this to ourselves no un-necessarily, it’s like playing mind games with our own mind.
One of our main objectives in life should be to be a happy person because happiness breeds happiness and a happy person is a healthy person. People want to know and be with a happy person, whereas they deliberately go out of their way to avoid an unhappy person. If dressing in women’s clothes makes you a happy person and you’re not hurting anyone then where is the problem? It’s a matter of deciding in your mind what it is exactly that you’re trying to achieve, where exactly do you want to go with it all, how far do you need to take ‘her’, decide what can you do without and what can’t you do without so that you’re happy and there’s no confusion in your mind. Confusion can lead to stress which leads to purging and we know that purging is usually only a temporary thing and solves nothing.
We have to realize also that what may be classed as ‘normal’ for one person is not necessarily normal for another. Comparing ourselves to the man across the street or the man around the corner achieves nothing because as you say, we’re all different, from our looks to the food we prefer to eat and the clothes we prefer to wear. There’s no right or wrong which covers all people, it’s what makes you happy which is important, and to begin making peace with ourselves we need to first be honest with ourselves and come to terms with the fact that this is how it is, how it’s always been and always will be, and the only person we’re really hurting by stressing over it and complicating our minds is ourselves. Remember, today is the beginning of the rest of your life. You can’t do anything about yesterday, but the decisions you make today determines the quality of your life tomorrow. Life can be as good or as bad as you make it, to a large degree we all have our destiny in our own hands.
I wish you well.
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
Hi Jennifer--
The 'need' came back for me when I was 49. I did not like the fact that it seemed to have a compulsive aspect to it, but over time I saw that the compulsion came from it being a new thing for me. I'd never had proper shoes, wigs, good makeup, and so on.
For me, the driven part of it begin to tone down after about three to six months, when it was no longer such a novelty. There are two parts to that, though--I was able to dress as little or as much as I needed, being single, and I also went out in public.
My analogy has been posted on here more than once. I can choose how I want to surf this particular wave (transgender), but there's no longer a choice about whether I want to ride the wave or not. I could even fall off the board and float around for awhile, but there will be another wave soon, and I'll need to catch it. That's just how it is.
It's hard to hear about how rough it is on you. All you can do is to keep analyzing it, and trying to shape it in a way that works for you best. Some of us may never find that. I would hope that a majority on this board are able to find it, though.
There may even be someone somewhere who would try to help you quit, but you won't find that here, I don't think. My belief is that the quality of our lives goes down, if we somehow succeed in supressing transgender.
There is a lot of our best selves invested in this, whether we like it or not.
Jennifer this is confusing to all of us at one time or another. I certainly at times remain confused, and how I feel today does not predict how I will feel tomorrow.
Here's a question that might help sort these things out, with a bit of a preface.
We talk here about being a woman or a girl but I think that gets used sometimes as shorthand for different things. Anita for example will talk about how she relates differently to people while en femme while Virginia will talk about how her femme side gives her male side strength at times. For me many of the female attributes, such as being nurturing or artistic, are thing I am comfortable doing as a man.
So here's the question. When you say you need to be a girl sometimes is it that you need to express feminine characteristic like being more emotional? Is it that you feel you just need to aknoweldge a part of you that doesn't seem to match the outward appearance? Or is it that you get something from the clothing itself, which after all are merely physical objects? To put it another way, how would you be a girl in a nudist setting? Does the answer to that question help you to express something that needs to be expressed.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
First off,Thank you everyone for the kind words and support.They help more than words can express.
For me its never been "just the clothes".If my mind set isnt Jennifer than I have no intrest in girl clothes.I feel very uncomfortable wearing them in male mode.The opposite is also true,when in female mode my male clothes make me very uncomfortable.
I have never admitted this aloud before but there are days when I really feel that I am a girl trapped in a boys body.Then there are the days when I feel completely male.I have realized that transitioning is not for me.I need both ,I am both.It is confusing since each gender can be very strong .I know I will get thru this,I just need to endure until I get to where I need to be.
Hang in there Jennifer, reading your posts I can emperthise with your predicament. The girls before me have answered in detail better than I could have.
If you need to talk further we're here. Best wishes hon.
Absaroka wrote:So the challenge is to get to where you can view this as a gift, ... rather than a curse. Absaroka
For me I just have accepted this as who I am. No curse, no gift, just who I am. I am a person with a male body and both masculine and feminine characteristics, traits, and feelings.
KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
I identify strongly with what you are saying.
I too float from male to neither to both to female. It has a kind of cycle to it.
Since everyones social lfe and situation is different I dont think I can offer any "universal" coping statements, but I have learned so much by letting these cycles take place and let them have their own time. It has become much easier for me to not resist OR force any of them which is counter to my natural inclination to "control" these things.
Ive also found Carl Jungs concept that the unconcious "knows" what you need to be very helpful. His writings and those of Dr James Hollis (A Jungian psychologist) have helped me tremendously in recognizing the levels of internal anxiety I had that I ddidnt even realize I had.
Ever since I can remember, I never understood all the issues of polarity or duality in our culture. I never understood why for example it was of such importance to be male or female or one race or another as examples. To me people are just who they are. I have never been intrinsically competitive either. Another concept I was not born to accept but have to deal with anyway.
This forum also had been very instrumental in the big scheme of things by providing a non judgemental place to interact.
Anyway, I hope you get something useful out of this.
In the old days your race was either Black or White. Younger people say that you can be both Balck and White, similar to being both Irish and Italian. I guess we can take it a step further and be male and female rather than male or female.
The change in viewing racial heritage came partly from viewing it as just that, as a heritage, rather than as a social status. Race itself in our society is a social construct, which is why it used to be that one drop of Black blood rendered one Black and thus not White. Likewise if we cease viewing gender as a status in our society some of the either or stuff disappears.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
