The divorce is coming

[Tauny K.]

I just know her mother will tell everyone on two legs. The realy sad thing is this is the same women that defends her youngest son who is hiv pos and dous nothing to protect the guys he sleeps with. Dousn't even tell them he has Aids.

[Absaroka]

Assuming you want to stay married (do you?) then quiet communication is key and you will have to initiate it. Let her know that you love her and want to stay married to her. Model the acceptance you want by showing her acceptance. And find a good counselor because you are going to need one. It's fine for us to share our experience with you and I hope it is helpful, but you both need far more help than the internet has to offer. If she won't go to counselling go alone. You'll probably have to do a bunch of homework to find a good cousellor-you could start by checking out any local hospitals that do SRS as at least the counsellors will be conversant. Although you also haven't told us are you transgendered or a fetishist.

It sounds like your MIL has a big problem with denial. At least it sounds like soon you won't have to worry about secrecy.

Absaroka

[Erin L]

Tauny, I'm so sorry to hear of this latest complication. If there is any chance to save the marriage (assuming you want to) you surely do not need any kibitzers at the table. Your wife telling her mom is natural, both in that she probably felt she had to talk to someone and that she probably felt she was striking back at you.

If you want to save the marriage, my advice is keep the communications open between you and your wife and closed to anyone other than someone you BOTH trust. Unfortunately, there are others who will probably not respect those boundaries, and that will make it more difficult. The emotional sideband may be hard to control.

Hugs,
Erin

[Tauny K.]

We're talking a little now. She found a site that she seems to like . but I 'm not sure I do. The site was telling her that the more she accepts me the more I'll dress. the more I dress the more chances I'll take in public, that I have a need to be caught and outed. then the marrage will end and I'll move away and start the whole thing over again. Have NE of you heard of this ?, is there any truth to it ?. I've been crossing for 30yr now and this is my first time NE one caught me. I need to dress to relax, I dress sexy and sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a women. I' m not sure which "lable" I get but I know I 'm not homosexuel.

[DonnaT]

Yes, there are some sites for SO's that are of no help at all.

There are others that do help, however. Helen Boyd (author of My Husband Betty, and She's Not The Man I Married) founded a site at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/engender_ ... roup&slk=1

The intention of this group is to provide a private, supportive forum for the partners of TG/CD people, a place we can discuss issues that arise from being in relationships that involve being transgender; to explore ideas of cd-ing, gender, and current gender theory; to promote a sense of community through respect and understanding between the members of the list.

Just leave your computer on that page, and let your wife decide if she might be interested in joining.

Of course, there could be people on that site who have had negative experiences with their trans partners, but it should have a lot of good info as well.

[DonnaT]

The site was telling her that the more she accepts me the more I'll dress. the more I dress the more chances I'll take in public, that I have a need to be caught and outed. then the marrage will end and I'll move away and start the whole thing over again. Have NE of you heard of this ?, is there any truth to it ?.

Yes.

But it doesn't happen for everyone. There are thousands of CDs who have accepting SO's, yet have no desire to venture out. Heck, many won't even dress in front of there SO even after being given the OK.

We are all different. All you can do is tell her that.

[Carolynn]

Hi Tauny. Yes, I have heard of the claim that with more acceptance you will dress more and want to go out. I also know that some cds want to get "caught", though the motivation(s) behind that desire can be rather murky. Most psychiatrists and psychologists who are in the business of "reparative therapy" or attempts at behavior modification as a "cure" champion those views and extend them to all cders, and present them in a negative manner.

Actually, it stands to reason that dressing more is a natural consequence of being at least tolerated enfemme by a spouse or family. Especially at the times where you feel the need to be comforted. It may be the same reason we crave our favorite comfort food. And if you feel tolerated or accepted, then you feel more free to be comfortable, and since you are "out" to the spouse you have the strain of hiding your cding removed. Surprisingly, it seems that being tolerated at least by your spouse may sometimes reduce the frequency of crossdressing, as the conflict of hiding a secret from her reduces stress.

It may also vary with how you crossdress. Often, especially in the early years, sex fantasy is a prime motivator, though as cder's age this may change. If the sex fantasy, it is often accompanied with thoughts of forced femme as part of a guilt reduction process (the old it's not my fault they did it to me thing), is the prime reason behind dressing, then keeping it hidden will be a primary goal. As Americans, we are much more prone to hiding sex and sex games rather than putting them in the open.

The reasons for dressings does change or "evolve" in some people as age and accompanying hormone changes make sex a less important component. Then the goal may become doing all you can to appear female, with "passing" the primary goal At that point the cder might want to go out and see if you can pass, and just have fun. For others the main goal might be to "pass" from the beginning.

The majority of CDers are not interested in being caught and are most are in the closet, especially if they feel they cannot pass. Most are heterosexual, so any fear you might be gay should likely not be of concern. Like most of those on this forum, they accept that they have a feminine side, and in what can vary in intensity between a "hobby" and a "compulsion" they may be happy crossdressers. There may be a desire to go out and have fun socializing with like minded people, but that is not the same thing at all as wanting to go out to be caught. The usual cross dresser is actually pretty well adjusted, and rather intelligent and insightful.

However, as I said above, some people do desire to be "caught" and the motivations may be murky for the person. For some it is to bring an emotional, internal conflict to a head, and may sometimes be associated with being TS (but not always -- most TS are adept at hiding their conflict and may not even dress). For others, it can be the result of guilt, and part of self-destructive behavior.

I am very concerned for one young man recently referred to me to talk with for that very reason. A mutual friend who knows my own medical history asked me to talk with him. He was very reluctant, and only agreed to a meeting with me after a month of procrastination. He did not want me to know his name, and was taken aback to realize he was on a crew who had done some work on the outside of my house, and that I recognized him. Though he was uncomfortable, that also kinda opened a path of communication since we were both known to the other.

He is 6 ft. 3 in. and does not dress to pass. He dresses, masturbates, then drinks to excess and often smokes every cigarette he can find, and has taken pills in a half hearted suicide attempt. The only time he drinks that way, is when he is dressed, and of course, it verges on binge drinking. He can't understand why he does that. When he is just drunk enough, he is liikely to take a "walk" outside in the dark, both wanting and fearing being "caught" and punished.

He was raised in a conservative religion that would likely have cast him out of their church if they knew he did this at his parents home since he was in highschool, but he was able to keep it a secret. He is 21, married for a bit over a year, and they have a babe in arms. His wife "caught" him about 6 months ago when he was passed out, and says she is less concerned with his dressing than she is with the self destructiveness. He fell asleep with a cigarette and caused a small, smouldering fire in the chair he was occupying, and she worries for the safety of their child. I think they are likely to be divorced if he cannot come to grips with the self destructive behavior. I am trying to refer him to a therapist I know that might be able to help him, but he is very reluctant to talk to an "outsider".

There are other motivations including a sexual based desire to be debased, for wanting to be caught, but most center around some level of guilt and the desire to be punished for what they see as a "perversion" in themselves. Other's, particularly young cders, fall into a self destructive pattern more as something to do while out and about.

I suspect the site your wife found that description on is not known for supportive spouses, though I could be wrong. There can be all manner of posts on internet sites, as you well know, and she may simply have focused on information that presented you in a negative light. Or the site may be one run by reparative therapists, or be a site dedicated to trying to "recover" glbtq through religion and behavior modification. Beware these sites.

Good Luck.
Carolynn[/code]

[Tauny K.]

thank you everyone

[Amanda Barber]

My Wife caught me in full dress about 2 months ago . since then she has gone from outrage , to "you betrayed me" to are you gay, to I can deal with this if I don't see it , to sarstic remarks at every opp., to don't even try to touch me, and the final stage is as soon as I graduate in july I'm filing for divorce. But she still wants me to pay for her schooling.

NE advice?????

Yes. start the divorce proceedings now with your own attorney.