A change of heart? After 10 years?

[Sally]

Hello Michelle,

I don’t profess to have any firm answers for you, but sometimes when we draw on the experiences of others we learn that our lives are not so dissimilar to that of multitudes of other people.

You said, “I know now, after another talk with the wife that there's no reconciliation for this one, no matter what I do, she's not coming back.”

This suggests that the relationship is at the stage where the support and trust of each other has diminished, and the love, respect and equality which are requirements of any good ongoing lengthy relationship, have now been lost. Good healthy relationships are based on the ability to be able to negotiate, fairness, and each being willing to compromise, also to be able to accept the inevitable changes we go through as life progresses, and being able to share responsibility and make worthwhile decisions together.
When either partner loses the ability to be able to respect the rights of the other to his/her personal feelings, their opinions or participate in their own personal activities, then the relationship is most likely doomed to fail.

Of course the inevitability of all this is not always so easy to accept. Sometimes it’s difficult to let go, but sometimes it’s all for the better to walk away and concentrate our energies into areas which will help make our lives better, because the clock is ticking on us all and our time here gets shorter every day.
I well know the difficulties we have in our lives and I thank the gods that my wife is the type of person who is able to see things for how they really are, and not how she’d like them to be, but then both parties always need to be able to do this. It hasn’t been easy for us over the years but thankfully we’ve always been able to reach a compromise, but whether this continues I don’t know, nobody can be 100% sure of what the future holds, but if two people love each other enough and are willing to talk, negotiate and compromise, then acceptable solutions can usually be found. I’m so fortunate, but then not everybody is, we’re all different.

I believe that one of the biggest hurdles we face is that it’s impossible for any of us to convey to another person not of our ilk how we really feel and what we experience in our own bodies and brain. If another person is not made as we are then it’s impossible for words to ever be able to make them realize or experience the same as we do, so therefore they only have our word for it, and sometimes that isn’t enough.

Not even medical scientists can accurately pinpoint why a person born with all the physical attributes of a male has female tendencies and needs to cross the ‘boundaries’, but then I don’t why either, I just know that from very early childhood living as a male was always very difficult for me, it just seemed wrong for some reason.

How many of us have ever had our gender genetics officially checked. The majority of people are 46 xy male, or 46 xx female, but then there are many variations, such as 47 xxy Klinefeilter Syndrome male or 45 xo Turner Syndrome female, then there are many other mosaics too, but how many of us have ever explored our own personal map.
Physical gender may usually follow the pattern laid down by the genes, but not always, mutations exist more than many may think.
Brain gender also has an influence, which is measurable even in very early childhood.
All these have an influence to varying degrees on our gender identity, which is our own personal subjective gender, how we feel about ourselves in varying degrees as to whether we may feel male or female either constantly or intermittently.

Scientists are now saying that they may have found genes which could assist in explaining why some men see themselves as women. The scientists say that their findings are in the preliminary stages, but they are proceeding with caution at this stage as the sample size used in their study needs to be expanded, but it’s a start and it’s promising. These scientists believe that about 1/30,000 men are afflicted by these genes. They believe this research may well help clarify the little understood questions as to what creates gender identity in people which brings people to identify as either a man or a woman. I believe that until medical scientists make a break through and can put indisputeable scientific evidence before the doubters, then we'll always be in limbo. The day will come when scientists achieve this, but it's always a long drawn out process, but of course this area of research is always underfunded.

In the majority of the worlds population gender identity feelings are very deep seated and the majority have no need to question their gender identity, or explore their physical body or anything else to confirm or dispel their feelings, but then there are those of us who for reasons unknown question the visible obvious to the extent that we have to go beyond the usual socially acceptable boundaries for us to be able to live a life which is anywhere near content and acceptable.
For all these reasons some years ago I came to the point where I told my wife and family that we had to come to a compromise as to what we could or could not endure with it all, for the health and happiness of all our lives hard decisions had to be made, and fortunately we were eventually able to come up with compromises which were acceptable to each and every one.
It’s never easy and sometimes one just has to walk away if those compromises cannot be reached and kept.

None of us was ever meant to live life under constant stress, as the eventuating physical and mental ailments makes it difficult for us to function normally, which can then lead to disasters.
I wish you well with your problem and pray that in the circumstances it can be brought to the best possible ending for you both. It’s unfortunate if these situations ever become unpleasant because usually both sides are just following what their inner self is telling them to do, in most cases people don’t take a stand just to be unpleasant, in some, yes, but mostly people take the stand they do because it’s what they’ve always believed to be right, and can we punish them for what they believe is right?
There is always two sides to these problems, and whilst I can identify with your side of it, we also have to have sympathy for the other person involved, because just as it’s not your fault you’re made the way you are, it’s also not her fault she’s made the way she is, people may look the similar, but ‘inside’ we’re all different. I wish you well.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Michelle Miller]

Sally, she's a 'carebear'. She puts others wants & needs in front of others, whether they be family, friends or whatever. The just 'puts up with it', until she just can't take it anymore, and it explodes, the last couple of times, in a grand %#$&storm of infidelity.

I know she's not coming back, and it's based on exactly that. I can't put a big part of my life back in the closet any more than she could just change into being one of those spouses that we all dream of having, the 'supportive & totally into it' types. There's no compromising with her, I even asked her about an 'out of sight, out of mind' type situation, and that too was met with a brick wall of indifference.

Of course, none of that matters, the trust is gone, forever, there's nothing she can say from here on out that I won't take with a grain of salt, regardless of the circumstances. Call me cynical, doubting, or just plain hurt, but I won't put myself in a situation again where she's putting on one face to keep the peace and boiling underneath.

Granted, that sounds a bit hypocritical on my part, the putting on one face & being something else underneath part, but the best I can do from here on out is worry about who and what matters, my daughter and myself.