So alone

[Jessica North]

Danielle,

I have had similar feelings of loneliness, and can understand your thought. Even though my wife knows of my CDing, I rarely dress in front of her and typically don't get the opportunity unless she and the kids are gone, and I am left alone. Even then, I sometimes think my dog looks at me funny.

Even in male mode, I try not to unload my femme feelings on my wife, so I hold back alot. I always have a fear of her having "CD overload" and lose some of her acceptance. So in both male or femme mode I frequently do feel alone.

No one beyond my wife knows, so there is no mental outlet available there either. I don't know if I myself could handle the idea of friends and family knowing about me. Basically, I am so far in the back of the closet that I am finding last years Christmas presents. So no, you are definitely not alone here. Like others, this forum allows me a chance to vent and talk while still remaining anonymous.

That said, I also agree with Virginia. Life is short baby! Do what you want. I chose this secrecy and will continue to live with it. I don't think you are miserable, and are just describing a completely understandable feeling based upon our situation. All we can do is try to cope and not go nuts. The internet and places like this forum are a godsend to me.

Hang in there!
Hugs,
Jessica

[Wendae]

Jessica

[Erica S]

I agree with you Jessica so much. I know I asked in my fist post here why would you feel alone? Well I guess I do for the most part. I am still in denile that I do not feel alone. right now I have to be careful so my wife does not find out it would give her one more reason to leave me. ( many other problems going on right now. ) I do totally agree with you Wendae I must have been a lesbian in my past life too because of my very strong feelings about CD right now and how right it feels especialy when I am dresses with my forms. I do love women though. So where does that leave me? I do not have the answers this I know.

Erica

[Wendae]

It may seem strange that after agreeing with Jessica there is no real comfort zone for me involving other people. Even if my wife suddenly said she was ok with my dressing I don't think I could after past rejection.
Earlier this year I contacted a local Tri-ess chapter to discuss membership. I met with a rep and liked some of what I heard. I didn't want to release any info on my address, etc. I just didn't feel comfortable putting out that kind of information. We came to an agreement and I said I would try to make a future meeting. After giving it some thought I wondered how my wife would feel about me attending meetings. Since I don't go out in the evenings what excuse would I use if I kept it a secret? We are close after all these years of seperations(military duty), illness and raising a family. My CDing is the only glitch in our marriage. The more I thought about it, how would I feel being in the company of a bunch of men in fem? It made me uncomfortable. So, I never joined.
Having said this, what do I want? I've always been a loner and pretty much like to do what I want without someone's approval. Like a lot of CDers I was very secretive of my leanings and never was caught or outed. I want to do my thing without worry in an accepting environment, when I want to.This ain't going to happen given my current circumstances so I'll bitch about it and dream of what I would do if I could. Since I've retired there are few if any oppertunities to do my thing. As I've said in other posts I am allowed some freedoms that help a little. I'm still hanging on to my sanity. Fantasy and this forum are a great help.

[Rony]

Wendae

I've always been a loner and pretty much like to do what I want without someone's approval.

My CDing has always been a private thing between me and myself. I've shared more here than I think I would have any where else. As the people here, while critical pro/con, but are not judgemental. I dream about being able to dress any time but I know in my heart it will never happen. I've been really lucky these last couple years my job requires me to travel every couple of months, usually for a week at a time. Sometimes 2 weeks, the trick is smuggling my clothes in and out of the suit case. I think my SO suspect something, or maybe it in my mind, but it seems that when I'm packing there is a period when she has made herself absent, shower, neighbor wanted to talk or something, and unpacking is never a priority, usually I do it the next morning while she is still sleeping.

[Sherry S]

This is a really good thread because I think it is an important subject that reflects upon everything else we do.

The recurring theme seems to be about "being happy in life". I agree with that completely, and point out that for some that is all out and about, and for others it means closet life. Whats good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander.

I akin CDing to having an solid, long time friend, who happens to be a girl. I don't care what anyone says - as soon as you cross the line and ask her if your relationship could be anything more - the friendship doors close. The relationship changes. If you're lucky, you can remain acquaintances. If you're not lucky, you fall out of touch with her and don't see her after that. Most definitely, the true and trusted friendship is no more. People may talk exception to this rule, and I'm sure there is the odd exception. But it's just that - an exception. The rule is as I have just mentioned.

In a similar respect, coming out to even your family changes their perceptions and ideas. It's the proverbial barn doors opening and the horse getting out. There ain't no going back. It's great when people are accepting, but the chances of all your current family and friends accepting will be low to none. There will be fallout, the only question is how much.

The point here is that there is no easy solution. I have never been a socialite in high school, and now have been an IT guy for about 15 years. That in and of itself has lead to unintentional anti-social appearances and to some extent, behaviour. Adding the social stigma of CDing would surely push me back into the depths and despairs of society that we call depression and loneliness. That wouldn't make me happy.

It's give and take. And while being open and free to dress whenever and where ever I want to might add some happiness, the negative effects that accompany that choice would more than compensate, and my overall happiness level would drop. I don't want that either.

The social sigma is real. I still resent my female aquaintances for not having enough courtesy and respect to value our friendship after I crossed that friendship line. But that's their choice and I can't do anything about it, so I just write them off as people I can no longer talk to in confidence, and carry on.

I think most people have only a few real confidants; people with whom they can really talk about anything. As for me, I have none - but I think most people have at least one or two. Risking losing those special people in their lives IS a real gamble.

You can't just say damn the torpedoes without accepting the consequences - which can very easily end up turning into a mental dungeon, a place which I would prefer not to be.

I don't go to the casino because I can't afford to lose. Therefore, I do not dress in public.

For me - it works. I prefer to stay where I am and happy enough with my collection of decisions.

That said, life is not a constant. Things ebb and things flow. If my marriage dissolves for some other reason, or if something makes me leave town, that could easily affect my other choices in life.

The problem/issue is not constant, therefore the answer is not constant.

Welcome to life on the planet Earth.

Sherry.

[Johanna]

Until recently, I was in the same mode as many of the writers- hiding my Cding from my spouse in the same suitcase as my heels and dresses. Not only did I feel alone, but also felt guilt. Some of the guilt was related to the activity itself. How could I be her stud while wearing lacy negligee and pumps/ However, more of the guilt stemmed from knowing that I had this secret. We have always been honest with each other and this was the only part of my life I just could not bring myself to admit. I feared the emotion, the alienation, and even rejection.

As fate wouold have it, she discovered my secret recently and I learned that I was correct in ffearing that she would be hurt and very confused. All I could do was to apologize for the lies and reassure her I was the same husband I had been for 10 years. At first, I thought she could not get over the shock and disapointment.

Amazingly enough, though, I believe she has accepted this part of me, although I still have some work to do rebuilding trust. I am not sure she is ready to embrace Cding in our love-making, but think that she would accompany me out on a shopping trip, which would be a great thrill. What better way to celebrate your brief freedom than with your best friend and closest confident.

Like many of you, I still am not ready to present this to my family. I have the same fears of my relatiuonship irrevocably changing, with no possibility of repair. We shall see. Perhaps someday even my family will know.

One fear I have overcome is fear of being discovered while out in public. With a little attention to detail (makeup, wardrobe, and wig) I think the vast majority of the group could venture out with very little scrutiny. There are numerous sites that offer makeup advice and even You Tube videos that help with tasks that are native to women, such as applyong mascara, but bedevil the newly initiated CDer. It is very inconvenient to perform all of the tasks rtequired tor women to appear as the loverly, feminine, creatures we know. If nothing else, CDing has made me appreciate the results of their effort.

My fear was that I would not be beautiful enough, as though every woman is Jessica Simpson. If you look around, you will see that the mark is not always that high and their are a loot of odd looking women. I have lately started to wanser everywhere en-femme and have had few occaisions when I imagined that I had been "outed." After a while, you realize that even if you are caught, who really cares. Society is generally very polite and women are typically even more so. It is doubtful that most men would be discerning enough to notice and you will find that, at worst, you will get a brief, knowing, smile from the more discerning women.

[Absaroka]

Excellent recent posts and I want to echo Sherry's comment that one size does not fit all in this subject. Likewise our partners and friends will all react differently. Most importantly, although we may seek advice here, if we act on that advice we will be the ones reaping both the rewards and consequences, while the one giving the advice will be untouched by our actions.

And of course there is the subject of where we live. In some areas we may get no more than an odd glance. In other places venturing out en femme is taking our lives in our hands.

Zari

[CJ]

Hi all,

Wendae wrote: Even if my wife suddenly said she was ok with my dressing I don't think I could [crossdress] after past rejection.

Yep. This is where I'm at right now. Roxanne, my SO, said she's come to accept this and wants me to dress at home (she wishes I would do it more often than I do as she knows I find it relaxing) but, after her extremely negative reactions at the beginning of our relationship, I find myself reluctant to crossdress in front of her. This, despite her insistence that I do so. Who knows? Maybe I'll ease up some day. But this day is not that day.

Danielle,

Virginia may have come across as being a little harsh in her post but a bitter truth hides behind her polemical tone. I'm sure she didn't mean to offend or discourage you. Beyond the point Virginia was making, there lies another, more esoteric truth; i.e., it doesn't really matter if you're in the closet or if you have a hundred TG friends with whom you party en femme every night of the week--loneliness is a native condition when you're a crossdresser. The wig, heels, lipstick, clothes, and breast forms always get separated from us at some point as we head back into "the desert of the necessary."

Keep your chin up, Danielle (just make sure it's free of stubble! ).

Love,
CJ

[Bernice]

So often when I visit this forum, CJ has already responded, making more sense than I ever could. But in this case, I can say "been there, done that" to CJ's being reluctant to dress in front of Roxanne.

It's taken me over fifteen years to get comfortable staying dressed in front of my Debbie, but it has happened. It also means I spend a lot more time dressed.

So much, in fact, I've come to wonder why I still dread going back to drab, or even what the big deal is anyway. Clothes are just clothes, and as long as nobody is going to physically assault you or hate you for wearing your preferred attire (which is unfortunately still a pretty big IF), then just wear whatever you like.

But yes, my friends and acquaintances have begun to pressure me about my firmly insisting they call before the visit. I also tend now to plan my week to maximize my at-home time, and consolidate trips outside the house. This does tend to isolate me. I chalk it up to the cost of being me.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Danielle:

Over the years I have found out that what we fear the most is being rejected by those that we are closest too. In general, we can go to the local mall and observe people for a moment, then they are gone. Most likely, never to be seen again. We tend to become concerned over such matters when in reality they are of very little importance.

Family, now that is a different matter. After a period, we yearn to be accepted in our "new found skin." We want people to like us as we are. I pushed the envelope the last 5 years with the spouse knowing all to well that it could lead to my current "divorce" situation. Simply put, while I integrated changes into my wardrobe that I was comfortable with, the spouse of course was not. It was not fair of me to not consider her feelings about this. I served my own feelings and well, to be honest, I have gotten results that one would expect.

Time, 40 years of marriage, is not important. Some things are simply not tolerated well by others. They cannot change for us. They find it an impossible idea. Even when they crossdress everyday with pant suits, slacks etc. For the majority in this society, that is accepted. Unfortunately, the male of our species is still viewed as the "protector" of the flag and the land upon which it rests.

Our society is changing as one might expect. But, we are not there yet when it comes to people like us. We are for the most part, simply put, unusual. Your feeling of being alone is not unusual. Humans seek daily the validation of being human from others. Family, office, bus or commuter train, mall, etc., we seek constant validation of our being not alone.

300 million people in the USA and we still feel alone here. No matter where you live on this planet, we all share some very distinct characteristics of the human form. Smiles, speech around 2 years of age, and other basic characteristics form the human experience no matter where you go.

I have been told that those that join a club etc of like minds eventually feel alone. We want the everyday person, the one that is just walking by us to smile and treat us to a human acceptance that can only be accomplished by this sudden, short meeting of the minds. In that moment, we breathe a little easier, we smile, we light up, we feel alive and part of the human race.

For that simple moment, we fit in! The desire to fit in grows stronger every year for some. I think that I feel that way at tmes. But, I hold back knowing that there are limits and I must accept those limits. I enjoy those few times that I am "out" and I have someone simply acknowledge me kindly, without laughing, pointing, or making faces. A simple, hi, or hello, is sufficient for me~!

It makes my day!

Hugs

Danielle Marie