Fantasy vs Reality

[Paulette]

Of course stress pushes your dressing buttons harder than no stress. Losing your business is big stress.

And yes, tell your wife that you are under unusual stress and that dressing helps take some of the pressure off. Not only does she need to know this and you need to express it, but sometimes "naming the demon" helps to relieve it. So say what's bothering you and why and what you are doing about it while you try to find a new business/job or revive the old one.

You've got someone to talk to. Talk to her.

[Joanne T.]

Hello Kara,
Your predicament is obviously shared by many of the girls who have provided some really interesting and knowledgeable advice and comments. In only a matter of three weeks I have joined three different TV forums, opened up to my estranged wife, and started shopping quite openly for femme stuff in a number of local stores.
My estranged wife (With whom I am still friendly) took it very hard at first but over a few days of exchanging long messages on facebook and eventually the telephone, she seemed to come round to accepting it. Now I am not so sure, she certainly has changed in her attitude to me.
I know that too much has happened too quickly for me to fully come to terms with it all so I am taking a step back to evaluate my situation and will not be visiting forums or buying anything new until I feel ready. I shall continue dressing but only in private (I live on my own so no problem there) and hopefully come to the right decision for me.
It will take a lot of soul searching but I believe it is the right thing for me at this time.
Kara I wish you the very best of luck.
To all who have befriended me thank you so much, and I will be in touch as soon as a decision is reached.
Hugs and kisses especially to you Kara
Joanne xxxx

[Kara]

Been a while since I have been on the forum.

I want to address some of the things people wrote.

I do love my wife and kids. So much so that I do not want to burden them with my problem. She has enough to deal with supporting the family with a husband out of work for over a year. From comments my wife has made in the past I know she thinks that men who wear women's clothing want to be woman. We CD's know some do, some don't.
And my kids have made comments that lead me to believe they would not be happy with me. Which is kind of funny, because they all are not so hung up on gender issues (gay, lesbian, etc.)

April Rose, I tried your advice of dressing everyday (part of the reason I haven't been on). I don't know if has become a habit, but I definitely like it - which has become a problem (explanation coming up).

TammyT asked if I was comfortable with my masculine side. I would have to say no. I don't think so. Well, that actually is a hard one. I wasn't good in sports and such so I got picked on and it really gave me a negative view of men. When I was a teen I always felt I closer to girls than boys - especially when talking to them - when I wasn't scared to death of them. But my wife will tell you I do and act just like a "typical" man at times.
When not dressed I do a lot of stuff as a man - gardening, plumbing, electrical, fixing the kids cars, I am pretty handy.
I actually do give my wife fashion advice. It blows the women's clothing store clerks minds that I can pick out outfits that she looks good in. I think I have bought more of her clothes than she has.

Here is what is going on. As I am in my middle age I am getting feelings of regret. I see so many you CD's on the internet that I am envious of them. When I was their age I did not know there were others like me. Okay, not true. I saw my first TG in a magazine and was enthralled. But fear (of what my family would say, etc.) kept me from pursuing that avenue. After college I though about moving away to pursue this, but had no money, no job. Then I met my wife.

I am wondering if I made a mistake going the traditional route - marriage, children. But I cannot imagine not having them now. I am so proud of them.

I sit here looking down at my 'breasts'. I have cleavage! I love it! I have seriously considered buying hormones to grow breasts - knowing full well that I would not be able to hide them but wanting to anyways. At the same time realizing at my age my body may never grow anything anyways.

Someone made a statement to the effect of if you are crossdressing to the detriment of doing other things you have a problem. I have a problem.

Crossdressing has always been sexual for me. At least I believe it is.

I tried April Rose's advice and have been dressing everyday (except weekends and when wife and kids are home). I will say I definitely feel naked when I am not wearing my bra and cincher and pantyhose.

But I sometimes spend hours dressed and looking at porn on the computer. Yesterday I made myself up - full makeup and everything. Looking in the mirror it suddenly hit me that the image I have in my head is not even close to what I see in the mirror. I took my picture, brought it up on my computer and tried to manipulate it to see what if I could even look like a woman. Wasn't a great picture so that part didn't accomplish anything.

When I am dressed I cannot seem to just be dressed - the sexual thing keeps rearing it's head. I went to a psychiatrist last year, but she was no help.

When I am dressed I will do things that I wouldn't normally do - order women's lingerie online, go shopping for women's lingerie with my breast forms on under my clothes. But once I "relieve" myself I no longer have those feelings. Until the next day.

I don't know if I do this because I am feeling lonely as a man - as someone suggested. I really wish I knew. I just know that it is overtaking my life more and more. And it scares me. Yes, I have dressed more after I became unemployed. But I was also starting to dress more leading up to that. So there is a stress relief aspect there.


This feeling has washed over me that I have missed the boat, not just with this but with life and career also. I understand why some people commit suicide. ( Before anyone jumps to conclusions - I am thinking of doing that. I believe suicide is a cowards way out.)
But I understand why some would feel that way.

I am really conflicted and angry and overwhelmingly sad at the moment. I could cry. But men aren't supposed to cry.

Do I need help?

[JennyLynn]

Kara,
My two cents worth... it's not about what others will think of you, it's all about what you think of you. Expressing this part of yourself is a very intimate thing and if you don't have the outlet to share that part of you, well...it's ok. It's painful because we all wish for understanding and acceptance, but in the "real" world we just have to know the reality we are up against. If you are not in a position to let it out or SCREAM IT OUT to the world, then don't. It's okay. really. We all want to make our world what we want it to be, but it's not. Be happy knowing you have a very special gift that others may choose to repress, while we choose to express and embrace. WE are the lucky ones!

Love you
Jenny

[JennyLynn]

Kara,
I just read your last entry as I was responding to your first. Is it possible for you to "schedule" the times when you dress and embrace the other times with work, family, friends etc.? This might give you some structure and make it easier in your own mind to put limitations on your desire. We all need discipline as it helps us maintain a balance in our lives. It also makes our "special" girl times so much more special.

Jenny

[Diane Hoffrau]

Kara
As with many in this forum - you are of the pre internet age - when info on crossdressing and transgender issues was very hard to come by.
A very large number of us thought that we would get mariried and the need to dress would go away as we took the traditional role of husband.
But the urge never seems to go away - sometimes it is a compuslison - sometimes it just simmers under the surface.

Sexual release is a great stress buster and mixed with the satisfaction of that underlying need - we are drawn to it over and over.

Being unemployed you are stressed and lonely - so of course you seek refuge in a place that makes you feel good.

IMO The difference between being transgendered and being transsexual can be summed up in two questions
Do you love being "feminine"?
Do you hate being a man?

If you don't hate being a man they you are probably only transgendered
You can live a very happy life being transgendered - some might call that being gender fluid

First I suggest that you work on loving and accepting yourself
No one is perfect - aske any woman and thery will tell you want is "wrong" with that way thery look
You might never be the perfect woman but you can be perfectly you!

Big consoling hugs
Wipe you tears and be you

Diane

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Some very interesting detail going on here,

The biggest issue i see is not what you wear or how you look or what others may or may not think,

Its about self or lack of knowing self , not here yet on other forums im on iv told many both in open forum and private emails when theres a lack of self esteem self worth confidence in ones self and how to ...LOVE... one's self , this is where the problem lie's you see all the why not i cant do this or that unless you have a physical detail such as being burnt or a deformity or you have a brain disorder due to something happening to you. >> myself , it seems to be we put stumbling blocks in our own way .

Iv had issues from long before birth, that effected me after, and iv struggled most of my life, still do.

Yet . im the ....MOST.... unlikely one to say , don the dress or skirt, walk down the road talk with people interact with them be part of the community, yes small under 5,000 people.

in our Village about 3 ,000 be known join groups be out going get to know others in bissness help out with others in thier endevers such as recreating a working sawmill of years back some 160 years, in other words get involved,

Had you said to me 46 years or even 30 let alone 20 my life would be so different i would have said i knew from age 10 i would live as a normal woman , to be involved with so many people well over 1000, as a member with in our groups , i would have said ,

im a loner shy an introvert hate being around people would hide if i saw a camara and to talk in front of people id mess it up could not read or spell did not really get on with people more so with men i had no confidence lacked self worth an any self esteem was a non event apart from other issues i suffered , i was rejected and thought as dumb dyslexca, major , i was, a screwed mind, and abused, so was this fantasy , nope just plan hard reality of a life i had, no father, and just as well.

Just over 20 years ago my changes started, as i knew 56 years before they would, and they have,

I dought if theres many maybe one or two here, like myself ,
i know many wont to be like women and live as one,

This,,,, being lonely as a man , even dressing i cant understand this i have no insights its beyound me, This is interesting to me the image you have of your self and how you see your self in your mind , and then look in the mirror is nothing like you think even with all the makeup and yes what ever,you do.

Can i say the image or how i look ether by others or myself in the mirror is much the same that our daughter took some 15 years ago, and with or with out makeup does not change how i look now ,

I do not and ill stress that, look anything like a female in how we should look no feminine facial features at all. my body is as a female no issue there with in the context of how i look,

Yet with all my imperfections and theres lots at the end of the day every day im still female just because i dont look like one does not change who i am, yet as youll realise i would not be accepted in the way i am had it not been for others willing to accept myself and this is the major point
for who i am not based on my look or lack of its acceptance that goes far beyound clothes makeup and any thing else many dressers or trans use, to get that acceptance,

strip every thing off my body i look as any normal female just some of us do not have that female look,

If you wont acceptance or to be accepted for who you are you need to open up to people tell them about your self and why you are this way, i did, no holds bared,

yes theres fear yes theres a not sure what will happen ill go back to the lonely man here, im not a male or man so i cant say ill be lonely as one, as a woman i could be or could still be later on though i dought it, im happy as a person first,, okay thats importaint and 2 nd as a normal female / woman.

Sexuality is different for each one and is used in different ways because men are by sight or feeling;s lacy senual clothes, then those are the turn ons, in this case for you, ?

the thoughts that turn you on are they not with your wife, is there a connection or due to other reasons its just not there, the time you spend dressing can that not be in an intermit way with your wife, the sad thing to me would be you are both missing out in having that close relasionship with each other, i could be wrong here , i do see some other issues as well that may have a bearing on all of this, so its not a easy how to work through it all.

Do you need help yes and its under... your's... roof. and theres two .... look back what did you see when you saw your to be wife, what clicked on in your mind,......

...noeleena...

[Kara]

I seemed to open a whole can of worms.

Here is what is rolling around in my head - right or wrong.

No, I do not love myself. I don't feel I deserve to love myself. I have been sneaking around dressing up on the sly since I was a teen. I don't feel I deserve love. I don't know if God loves me or not but I don't see how I can call myself a good person when I lie daily by dressing up, hiding my clothes, keeping this big secret.
I feel ashamed, scared, angry all at once.
I tell myself I won't do this, yet I do. How can I call myself a good person with that?

Do I love being "feminine"?
I don't know. I feel so conflicted it is hard to tell. I love sexy clothes, heels, tight undergarments. Compressing myself into a woman's shape. While rationally I know this is not true, since I was a teen I thought life would be easier if I were a woman. But I never really wanted to be a true woman. In my mind it was a cross. Female looking with male genitalia.

Do I hate being a man?
Sometimes. I hate having to put on this front of being the macho, masculine, unemotional figure. I hate when men make fun of their wives. I hate when they make derogatory remarks or jokes about women. I feel uneasy around that. My wife sometimes says to me "your're such a typical man". That I hate. I do not see myself as a typical man. I think I have a better insight into women because of my dressing. I have felt this way since I was a teen.

What attracted me to my wife? When we first met she was wearing a tight sweater, tight jeans and these sexy high heels. Things I would like. Over the years I would buy her things I liked to wear and would want to see her in. But after a while, she stopped wearing them. Stopped wearing high heels.

My wife is off put by cross dressing. It hasn't come up in a long while, but to her a man is a man. She is a wonderful wife and mother and still sexy, but there are certain things that put her off.

You know, it is easy sitting here by oneself and rationalize our dressing, to build this whole fantasy world around it. But the reality is the "real" world can be a harsh, cruel place and not accepting at all. And I feel I am just being delusional thinking that I could ever be accepted in this type of world. So I hide and feel sad and ashamed.

I have said too much. I am skittish about writing stuff on forums. That it will leak out someday.

[Martine Amance]

Hello Kara,

It's really not a can of worms, it's a matter of perspective. Most people rarely give much thought to their behaviors. The few who do often over analyze their actions, look for meanings that aren't really there. You know, the DSM V, that wonderful catalog of mental disorders is really nothing more than a check list. The full name is Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, fifth edition. If you have ever thumbed through one you would notice that for every category there are a list of behaviors. The psychologist checks off what he thinks he sees and arrives at his diagnosis. All those traits, those applicable behaviors are grouped by the mean average. It's like the average height for a man or woman. Take a great number of individuals and measure their individual height and then do the math. Viola, you have the average height. Pick any category of behavior and do the same measurement. Anything with in the first standard deviation is the norm or average. Anything outside the norm is not normal. Do you see what I mean? Our society and our cultural has its norms of behavior and meaning. When you don't fit in with those who are statistically average then you must not be normal for that group. But understand that what is normal is most arbitrary. That is, it only reflects the collective behavior. Yes, there are mental illnesses but let's not go there.

So, if most people, the average number, crossed dressed then cross dressing would be normal regardless of out mental states. But that is just our problem most people don't cross dress and we are a minority of the various groups to which we share membership. We are outside the norm as far as group behavior. On the other hand, an individual can be a member of several different groups. Some of the groups are religious, some are political, and so on. We define ourselves in two ways, as an individual and as a member of one or more groups. The more groups we belong to the less likely we are to feel lonely. We can belong to a family (often family groups are linked in extended ways, you and your parents, you and your wife and children, etc) and still feel lonely. That loneliness is more from a lack of identification, a feeling of incompleteness. Some turn to religion, others to social organizations, and so on. We seek associations that provide that sense of identity we need. Unfortunately we are often unaware of what identity we are missing. But it is a matter of perception.

By the way, I am like you in some ways. I am 6 feet and a little over 200. Yes, I would make an ugly woman. But that is not the point of my cross dressing. Yeah, it would be a great fantasy to be that young and petite girl with perky breasts and what all, but it really wouldn't be me. Give me a week of being her, maybe even a month, but I would still want to come back as me. I hope all this helps

[TammyT]

Have you told your wife that you don't ilke her calling you "a typical man"? That term can be very uncomfortably defining. You're great at being your wife's stylist and love buying her clothes -- that's not typically manly! In fact, that's a beautiful trait for a man to have, and it's definitely more likely that you have better insight into women because of your dressing. How many women wish their husbands were more sensitive and understanding? I'm not great at sports either, due to my slender and girly physique and lack of muscle, but I absolutely love following and discussing it. I'm not hugely into cars or fighting, either. I also hate misogynic (and misandric) and derogatory remarks and jokes. I'm happy being a man, and I'm now becoming happy having some feminine interests. I'm not typical -- I have a sensitive and somewhat girly heart, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I know for certain that I'm lonely (both in romantic love but moreso in having close friends) as a man. I share the same pornographic struggles as you, but it took me a while to discover that those struggles are a response to my loneliness and not my feminity. I know what it's like for that carnal nature to keep rearing its head and only recede after climaxing, and I hate that it's like that. This is something that I'm working on daily. My biggest wish is to trade that side of my life for a tightknit group of caring, compassionate, and accepting sisters (kind of like this forum ). Contrary to my shy and massively introverted nature, I will be starting to meet other CDs and TGs in person, and I'm hoping that will majorly help in forming close friends to combat that loneliness.

No, I do not love myself. I don't feel I deserve to love myself. I have been sneaking around dressing up on the sly since I was a teen. I don't feel I deserve love. I don't know if God loves me or not but I don't see how I can call myself a good person when I lie daily by dressing up, hiding my clothes, keeping this big secret.
I feel ashamed, scared, angry all at once.
I tell myself I won't do this, yet I do. How can I call myself a good person with that?

This troubles me the most. You absolutely deserve love in all forms: agape, phileo, storge, and eros. I believe that God loves us unconditionally, and I discovered recently that in the Bible, the book of Romans talks about this exact conflict that you and I are both having (from verse 14 onwards, if anyone is interested). I don't want to be breaking forum rules -- just know, Kara, that you are not alone in your conflicts.

[Noeleena]

Hi, Tammy.

I see your over the ditch from us, ill be in Mellbourne next year close to june, heading to Hobart, 5 weeks maybe longer, could be flying in or Sydney not planed it out yet, give us a email or ... may catch up.

Now from your post i see some issues lonely how come because your male .and lack in close friends .

Shy and introverted, Now i see some other issues as well another time for those,

Okay please dont take this the wrong way , i work with women with many issues and problems plus abuse and many things that have happened in thier lives, so as a female i understand where they are coming from , now i know there are some quite different attitudes or how we see things and feel things and what makes us different from men, so to understand men i struggle and to talk with men on very personal subjects can come over in men not understanding us .

So for myself when talking with women i can be very open as we say no holds bared, no matter the concern or subject, so when talking with men im more reserved and wont open up in the same way, as i learn about men i wonder why as youv said no real close friends why is that,

I know for many men its about sports or yes i know ...car's....or and i wont go into mens talk about us because its very hurtfull and was very degrading and the attitude that was displayed to myself, i think many men will know what im saying.

Now how do you see the company and getting to know other men as in friends or friendships so i quess you dont have many men friends.

How about women and i dont mean in a sexual relasionship. though that no doubt is an issue as youv said, can you be friends with women just as being friends with out any other intentions,

Im looking at why be lonely . or has this to do with not wonting to join some groups with like minds lets just say going for outings looking at buildings takeing photos and the like, okay.

i just dont understand why being lonely is an issue for you. am i prying ...yes.... i dont beat around the bush i have friends all round the world its taken over 6 years, and i dont just mean on our forums , iv met many,

Now, if you dont wont to answer then thats okay ill understand, if youd like to please email me or tell me off , or other.

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

Charles Anders in his book The Lazy Crossdresser has a good chapter or two on all of this. For fear of breeching a copyright I will just say that any man can tweek himself to the feminine side. Women come in all shapes and sizes too, see what the big women are wearing and copy what they do if you like how they look (I am talking about stature NOT being obese). I am fortunate that I am not a big big man but I am average 5'9.5" 178 pounds and have the typical male form with narrow hips and broad shoulders. There are little things women learn - little secrets passed down through the eons mother to daughter that we are excluded from - there is a code of silence - frankly because they know men have no use for this information. Your body is a form some things will work, somethings won't. Skirts that are full around the hips, tops that slim the shoulders and cover your biceps may be helpful. Flats or 1.5" heels if you are tall. there are ways that will work for one but not for another because we are all different.

When you relax and realize most of how we feel in inside our head and stop worrying what others think that is part of the key (we think of these things if we go out or not). I finally felt I was on to something when I got down to my ideal weight, gained some experience with basic make up and looked in the mirror and was amazed to notice how much I resembled my sister, and I knew were I born a girl this is close to what I would have looked like - without the hormones, and puberty we can do nothing about now - so you accept your limitations and simply learn to make the best of your good assetts, while de-emphasizing your not so good ones. That is the right approach here. Anne.

[TammyT]

I don't mind responding, Noeleena, but I ultimately don't want to hijack Kara's thread.

Now from your post i see some issues lonely how come because your male .and lack in close friends .

Shy and introverted, Now i see some other issues as well another time for those,

Firstly, there's a difference between being 'shy' and being 'introverted'; notice how I said I was shy but "massively introverted". I'm shy in that I'm almost always not the conversation starter, nor am I really a conversationalist to begin with. If I connect with someone, however, on a social and intellectual level, then I can talk with them for ages and I will sincerely enjoy their company. I'm massively introverted because, by and large, I really value my own company. I love writing, performing, travelling, drawing, and enjoying life without an audience. I like spending a lot of time by myself, but I'm careful not to completely isolate myself from the world -- that's dangerous for anyone's psyche.

Okay please dont take this the wrong way , i work with women with many issues and problems plus abuse and many things that have happened in thier lives, so as a female i understand where they are coming from , now i know there are some quite different attitudes or how we see things and feel things and what makes us different from men, so to understand men i struggle and to talk with men on very personal subjects can come over in men not understanding us .

So for myself when talking with women i can be very open as we say no holds bared, no matter the concern or subject, so when talking with men im more reserved and wont open up in the same way, as i learn about men i wonder why as youv said no real close friends why is that,

Just by human nature, I think there's a natural tendency for women to associate with women and men with men, though like with any generalisation, it's important to remember that this isn't the case (we aren't typical men, remember? ) When it comes to openness, I think men have a fear of being disassembled and unmasked; I guess we like to be composed and to have everything together, so men don't like talking about their weaknesses because we feel it compromises our manhood and character. I'm actually okay with being open, as long as I trust my audience. There's a saying about relationships that "the level of openness determines the level of closeness", which rings very true for me but is first determined by how close I am with that person.

Now how do you see the company and getting to know other men as in friends or friendships so i quess you dont have many men friends.
How about women and i dont mean in a sexual relasionship. though that no doubt is an issue as youv said, can you be friends with women just as being friends with out any other intentions,
...
Im looking at why be lonely . or has this to do with not wonting to join some groups with like minds lets just say going for outings looking at buildings takeing photos and the like, okay.
i just dont understand why being lonely is an issue for you.

The bottom line is that my lack of close friends makes me feel lonely; I have plenty of people whom I can call friends, but now almost none with whom I would be comfortable having an extended D&M. I'm a natural introvert, but I don't choose to be lonely -- it has very little to do with femininity, but over the years I've felt like I was growing tangentially to everyone else around me, that I was living in a different world to everyone else. Ultimately, I'm still trying to find my place in the world.

I have no trouble forming platonic relationships with women, and I'm forever grateful that my moral foundations are that strong. It's probably because of my quietness that women might perceive me as being an shady figure, and I do wish that I were a little more approachable because I am a genuine friend and I would love to share that more with women.

------

Sorry if that's a little disjointed, but it's a little hard to articulate myself at the moment. I hope that answers a few questions.

[Paulette]

Anne B: copyright law is not that strict. When you are reviewing a work or citing for purposes of making an example, you can lift a short paragraph or two without problem, so long as you cite the source (author, title, and if academic, the publisher) and don't give away the plot.

Not an attorney, but I've been a publisher since 1974.

[Kara]

I thank everyone for all their responses.

Unlike my other writings this one will be fairly short (I can hear the "Yeah!")

I am having a very hard time "liking" me. Others would say I am very nice - though sometimes I talk to much. But I have always had a hard time with self confidence and being comfortable in my own skin. I have relied too much doing what I think others would want me to do.

I had these ideas in my head of what I wanted to do and be but as John Lennon says "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." I realize that I am constantly making other plans but not getting anything done.

I believe people have a purpose in life. Some figure it out their purpose, some don't. I fear I will never find my purpose and it scares me, depresses me, saddens me. We only have so much time in this world and I feel the clock is ticking.