Wish me Luck!

[DonnaT]

Congrats for coming out.

[Diana Michelle]

I am happy to hear it went well for you Heather. Like CharLee said, give her a little time and space and I am sure she will be calling you.

[Kelly]

Hi Heather,

It looks to me that things went swimmingly. Maybe it wasn't as great as you had hoped; but you were not cast into the lake of fire and name removed from the book of life. That is a victory.

I am happy for you.

So Mom is processing. She knew, but your revelation removes all doubts. The dots are clear now, they just need to be connected. That takes time.

You can't wait forever for the next step. The month time frame, mentioned earlier, seems about right. Just a phone call with a 'hey, remember me?', 'what happens now?' is ok. She might want to kick the can a bit further down the road; that's ok, give her another couple of week (in your mind, no ultimatum).

Who you are isn't going away. There is nothing wrong with you. Acceptance may be slow, and may need to be pushed along (gently).

I am sure that in the end all will work out.

Kelly.

[Deidre Taylor]

Congratulations Heather! What you did took a lot of courage. My own mother and sisters had know for years of my transgenderism and accepted me with open arms yet when I had the conversation with all of them of my intentions to transition to full time they were somewhat taken back. Yes they respected my decision and supported me but they were full of questions of why and what was my ultimate goal.

Give her time to process what you told her. As it sounds like your sister is supportive hopefully your mother has talked to her about this since. As for how long to wait I agree a month is good although I am sure your mother will call you long before that. Whatever she decides go along with her wishes and be the best son/daughter you can be. Life is too short sadly.

[Eileen (SO)]

Heather,

Your Mother needs some time to digest, even if she had suspicions before, the stated words have more impact. Not knowing your intentions, Mom would like to be assured that nothing about her son's appearance or behavior will change. Maybe it will later, and another discussion. Only going by this thread, it seems you cross dress and am unsure of what might happen later on. Speaking as a spouse of a CD, we need more solid answers than 'I'm not sure'. That implies a 'Yes' to further changes. Are you gay or want to become a woman, these are the questions that should have answers well thought out before coming out to a spouse or family member. Well, good advice too late.
All in all, it seems it went well. When the next round of questions come, be prepared to answer fully and honestly.


Eileen

[Heather W]

Heather,

Speaking as a spouse of a CD, we need more solid answers than 'I'm not sure'. That implies a 'Yes' to further changes. Are you gay or want to become a woman, these are the questions that should have answers well thought out before coming out to a spouse or family member. Well, good advice too late.

Eileen

Eileen, I really thought I knew the answers to those questions a long time ago but I have to admit the more time I spend as Heather, the more I want to. Am I gay? No, well at least I used to think not. Yet there are times when I am dressed and out and about I see a cute guy and think what would be like? Thus my answers of I don't know. I have always been truthful with my mother and every one advised to tell the truth and I did. Are you suggesting a little white lie to make her feel better about all of this? Or perhaps are you suggesting I tell her what I just really confessed to myself and everyone in this forum right now? I am really curious as I am torn as what to tell her. I want her to know the truth but I am not sure even I know that or if I know it I am not sure I am ready to admit to it, even to myself!

[Kelly]

Heather,

Part of this discussion is like having an insurance policy. You hope to high heaven that you never have to make a claim; but the ramifications of needing to make a claim and not having the policy are too dire to think about. That is the risk involved far outweighs the hassle of maintain your coverage.

Your mom may not ask some hard question, hell she may not even care about it. But giving careful and clear consideration of your possible answer, just in case the question is ask, prepares you to give a clear answer. The gravy is that it causes you to introspect and come to understand what you know and what you don't know. Bottom line it is your insurance policy; know you have it and try not to be anxious about it.

Sometimes the truth hurts. But a lie, even a white lie, will eventually hurt more.

So that leads you into an awkward spot. You say that you don't know. But consider the perspective that Eileen pointed out, Mom will fill in the ambiguity with what she considers to be the worst case, or the answer she wants to hear, or jump to some conclusion based on previous 'I don't know"s she has gotten from you in the past (she IS your mother, after all!). The point is, try to think about how she will interpret the answer.

The best way to approach the areas where you haven't worked things out is to answer with what your current belief happens to be and then factor in the 'I don't know' part. Something like.

'Right now I don't think I am Gay. I don't know if that could change. I can imagine a sequence of events that would change my mind. But I am not sure how I would really react to those events.'

It states what you believe right now, there is no lie. It then opens up the door, for you to change your belief. It acknowledges that if or when the door opens that you may or may not go through it.

After giving this (or some other) truthful answer, it is important to remember that you can ask questions also. Something like, what is your concern Mom? Get to the root of what it is that she is trying to process.

Finally, it is ok (in my opinion, anyway) to say I don't know, I am scared that I don't know, I need somebody to talk to, and to help me find an answer.

Another Finally. You are who you are. Our society just doesn't have a well defined place for you to be, but that doesn't change who you are. You're not a criminal, or mentally ill. You are ok, keep that in your heart.

Kelly.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Heather,

My opinions come only from the relationship I have with a CD husband. I've never had any gender issues myself.. Of course when any of you come out to friends and family, the first question is 'are you gay?' This should have been answered in your own head years before, when first experimenting with panties or bras. We went through long nights of 'discussions' to sort this out. Putting on certain clothing does not make a hetero male into a hetero female. In wanting to feel like and experience being female, wouldn't having an admiring glance from a man be a compliment? Of course it is. Having doors opened for you, or a chair pulled out at dinner, a little flirt, you're a woman! In your own mind, yes, you are woman for awhile, but what comes later? Intimate touching, kissing. If these are your desires, then you are either bi or gay. Ask your self which gender makes you privately aroused, male or female? Do you want to be admired as a woman, or fully act out the part?

Eileen

[Carol Ann]

You know I find this very interesting as everyone has an idea on the subject , truth be told I know the relief of someone close you have to tell.

All my daughter said "Daddy as long as you are happy".
Son told me " I don't care but you will still be my dad"' .

DIL said " it's ok I think it is cool and next trip up wants to meet Carol Ann fully dressed".
The big deal or issue with me is now I don't have to run and hide when the kids come over as they know I dress all the time and if they walk in no big deal.

Is Carol GAY?, no way but like a lot of us sometime you wonder what it would be like to be with a man and, well you know.
Heather the door is now open for you but don't rush in and show up at your mothers fully dressed until she ask.

[Heather W]

I want to thank all of you for your support, kind words, and advice. Mom has yet to contact me but I have talked with my sister a couple of times and she and Mom have been talking about Heather a lot. From the way Melissa tells it Mom is leaning towards accepting having a second daughter on a part time basis. Mom is still curious about the whys of my crossdressing and frankly I am too. I have thought long and hard about that subject and have never come up with a good reason. I just know I like it.

[Eileen (SO)]

It may be that Mom has plenty of questions, but doesn't know how to put then to words that won't sound judgmental.

Eileen

[Heather W]

Several hors after my last post I decided to get dressed as Heather as I have been on Sunday mornings. I headed out, stopped and picked up my Sunday paper and went to my usual Starbucks for my morning coffee and to read the paper. I have been doing this for a while now and it has become Heather's way to spend Sunday morning. It was close to 9:00 when my cell pone rang. It was my Mother and she asked if I could come over and talk. I told her sure, I just had to go home and change. She said no need as however I as dressed I was fine. I then told her I was dressed as Heather and after a pause for a second she said that would be OK.

As I went to her place I was thankful I had worn something nice, a calf length animal print skirt, a pale gray summer sweater, and black wedges. When I got there it seemed a bit awkward for a few seconds but she hugged me and told me to come in. As she asked more questions I explained to her I was not trying to evade those "important questions of "Was I gay?" and "Did I want to be a woman?" She said she knew that but thanked me for caring enough to make sure to explain that.

As we killed a pot of coffee she told me she had been talking to my sister and how Melissa was a big supporter of Heather. She also complimented me on my attire and told me she was "Impressed on how cute Heather was dressed. I was shocked, I had been at her place probably 2 hours or more by then and she finally referred to me as Heather. I ended up staying at her house until well after 5 in the afternoon, even having lunch with her. As time went on Mom seemed a bit more at ease around me and told me she was surprised not only how good I looked but also how I acted. I tried to explain that was more the norm and the ones she sees on television the outer fringe. Not sure I got through to her but I hope I did.

When I left she told me she loved me and although she wasn't sure she wanted that every time it might be OK if Heather came over "every once n a while." Not exactly what that means but I felt a load lifted off my shoulders. I can see she still wants to see me as the son she raised but she is at least trying to let me know that I am welcome anytime and any way. I don't plan on pushing that issue very far but maybe in a month or so Heather may make a visit.

I did talk with my sister after I got home and she told me she had been talking with Mom all week and had told her to call me this morning so the two of us could talk. Melissa knows my usual Sunday morning routine so in a way I think she set both me and Mom up. I think it went pretty good, at least my mother knows I am not one of those freaks from Jerry Springer. Would I have liked more such as open arms policy towards Heather? Sure I would have but to be honest I got more than I expected. At least I know she is trying to understand and that regardless of whatever the future holds she will be there with me.

[Kelly]

Fantastic! So happy for you.

Kelly

[Diana Michelle]

That is great Heather! Your mother is trying hard to battle the stereotypes in her mind and you have to show her that they do not exist as far as you.

When I left she told me she loved me and although she wasn't sure she wanted that every time it might be OK if Heather came over "every once n a while." .

That statement tells me she is trying. I don't know how old your mother is but those of the older generations don't see this as liberally as the younger generations. Trust me on that one! She is telling you she wants to get to know Heather but not at all at once. I would suggest the next couple of times you see your mother you go as her son, then maybe it will be time for Heather to visit. If your mother wants to see Heather before that I am sure she will ask.

[Heather W]

Well I thought I should post an update as to how it is going with my mother. It has been about 6 weeks since I initially told her and she has been taking it pretty well in my opinion. I generally see her once a week or so and although there have only been 2 of those as Heather, the one I posted earlier and the other just a casual lunch at her place, she always asks about Heather. That I take as a good sign.

What has gotten me to posting on this again is my Mother's birthday is next week. As usual my sister and I will be taking her out to dinner for it. My sister suggested this year it would be nice if it were her 2 daughters taking Mom out for a nice dinner. I have to admit at first I was excited about the thought of that but as I think about it I have some apprehensions. Part of me would love to do it but I wonder what Mom would think. Should I just appear as Heather or go in male drab? I know Melissa, my sister, is a big supporter of me and would love to have a baby sister but I am still not sure how Mom really feels. I have even thought about calling my mother and asking her how she would feel if it was Heather for her birthday dinner?

To be honest the more I think about it the more confused I get. I am truly open to suggestions here ladies. Help!!