Why are Crossdressers so shy?

[Laura Ashcroft]

My thoughts on this are that we(cross-dressers) are shy ultimately because we started out ashamed of ourselves. Some of us eventually accepted ourselves, then there is the family and SO's to work on. For me, even at age 37 and 32 years of CDing, I am still in the family and SO phase, and in the closet. I have no desire to make my life more complicated, nor raise myself as a target for anymore abuse, by drawing a bullseye on my chest and stepping out into public. I have viewed the gallery, and there are quite a few on there that look damn good, and I am very straight. They could pass with no problem. Others of us (myself included) could make Ray Charles flinch when enfemme.

I have said this before in another thread, but you can't force people to accept you, ever. You CAN get laws passed so people don't beat you, or you don't get fired, or whatever, but you really can't MAKE people accept you. By trying to force people to accept you(or me), will only breed hatred. People resist change, especially when it is forced on them. It is human nature. I still think the best route to acceptance is constant exposure to the general public by those with the looks and courage to do so. Eventually, after seeing it enough, for long enough, people will begin to accept it.

I consider myself a man, with a fem side, but still a man. I still have serious problems with myself wanting to dress enfemme. Something about it just ain't right. But this board, and the knowledge that it will never go away(god knows I've tried), have made me realize I can't go on hating myself for it and I don't hate anyone here. As a matter of fact, I believe this is one group of people I have identified with, and been in awe of the amount of feeling and intelligence in people as I have ever experienced. You are all very special people. That being said, I know I do resist being forced to accept anything. I can see our issues from both sides. Being a CD'er and knowing the feelings, and want of acceptance, I want that too. I can also identify with the general public. We don't fit, they don't understand us. We gotta be gay to wanna wear a dress (which I TOTALLY RESENT). I don't care if anyone is gay, go ahead, be gay, and MOST people think that way, but I AM NOT GAY, SO DON'T THINK THAT. Does that make any sense? I hate being lumped in with them, because it isn't me. It is always the first thought on an SO's mind, or anyone in the general public. Yes, some of us are gay, fine, but it is a seperate issue. I do agree, people like to put labels and categorize people, that is human nature. If someone really wants to start a movement and tell it like it is, then start sending the message out, we have a new category, men who like to dress who are not gay and are not entertainers. I have been on this forum for a bit now, and read many many posts. I don't think I have read one that can explain why we do what we do in general, just we feel a need. If we don't understand it, how is the general public going to? How is an SO or anyone else going to? I don't think we can really expect that from others that we cannot explain ourselves.

God, I hope this doesn't get Mordor'd because o' me.

[Beauty]

Hi Laura,

Great response. Thanks for being so open and honest. Don't worry about a response being Mordored. The follow up responses are "usually" what can take it there. Your post was on target with what Willy was asking.

Beauty

[Lydia]

Hi all,

Laura said:
"My thoughts on this are that we(cross-dressers) are shy ultimately because we started out ashamed of ourselves. "

You really hit the nail squarely. I guess in my case the guilt and shame began when my mother beat me for filching her stockings.

As Pogo said:"We have met the enemy and he is us."

Willy

[Eien]

It is always the first thought on an SO's mind, or anyone in the general public. Yes, some of us are gay, fine, but it is a seperate issue. I do agree, people like to put labels and categorize people, that is human nature. If someone really wants to start a movement and tell it like it is, then start sending the message out, we have a new category, men who like to dress who are not gay and are not entertainers. I have been on this forum for a bit now, and read many many posts. I don't think I have read one that can explain why we do what we do in general, just we feel a need. If we don't understand it, how is the general public going to? How is an SO or anyone else going to? I don't think we can really expect that from others that we cannot explain ourselves.

I do think that there is another aspect to this; even if we do know the reasons, are we willing to accept them?

I don't want to go into this too much, because it is guaranteed to make some people angry and the thread might end up spiraling into Mordor (never come across that term before outside LotR).

Anyway, I'll use myself as the example. I have some pretty good ideas about why I feel the need to crossdress the way I do. The reason I don't tell people about them is becasue, unlike 'simple' sexuality, there are a lot more issues involved, most of which are very personal. We get into phychological terratory in a way people don't want to admit to, again because it is not considered 'normal' and it means that we are not bound by our own wills, but by natural processes that sadly most people seem to think that they, and indeed humans in general, are above. People don't like being dissected, especially when the result leads to more things that aren't 'normal'. The more a person thinks about it the further they find themselves from the accepted norm, even if it's just by stripping away this social facade that humans are somehow special and have more power through virtue of thier ego.

I don't believe there is a single general reason why we do what we do, because to me crossdressing seems so much more personally subjective than sexuality, race or most other minorities. If in finding the answer we realise something we don't like then aren't we more likely to ignore it and simply resign ourselves to the fact that it is just a basic need? All basic needs have some reasoning behind them, right down to feeding and procreation. And again we come back to natural pocesses that humans, all powerful as we think ourselves, either ignore or take for granted.

I've always found myself a minority among a minority (aside from being a white male) so maybe this is that individualist side talking. I am perfectly happy that I do what I do for the reasons I can work out, but by explaining them I would open myself to more ridicule and hostility not just for wearing a bra, but for everything that lead (and leads) to it.

When we think of people being gay, bi or straight we don't think of the reasoning beind it, we simply have to come to accept that that is how it is. Taking the same route with crossdressing would save everyone a lot of headaches and social or sexual discomfort. The problem is that it is so alien to those who don't, brought up with drag as comic relief at best, they want the reasons, which they still either won't accept or will probably find breaks their codes of normal behaviour, making it disturbing or distasteful to them.

[Absaroka]

To my mind it is mroe acceptable to be a complete trans sexual including SRS than to be a crossdresser. Far more of a struggle to be sure but less socially unacceptable.

Why? Becasue when you get to something as intrinsic as your race or gender it is so basic that you must have acceptance. As opposed to what I wear which is a far less deeper part of me

Just my opinion about myself

Andrea

[Oregon (SO)]

Hi!

Well let's see, if you are an entertainment/media junkie like me cd's are all over the place if you look around.....

First off is Eddie Izzard who is a British comedian (saw him live and he is awesome!). he has a website as well and lots of dvd's of his show, has appeared an several movies but he is a working actor.

There is a musician named Donovan Leitch who often performs in high heels and stockings and short skirts, but no breast forms. He has dated many celebrities. I think he is the son of a 60's musician.

Roy Lagnston, husband of Liv Tyler admitted in several atricles when he was with a band called Spacehog that he crossdressed as a boy and teen.

David Bowie muscian and actor has been known to don womens clothing, but probably more for shock value.

Dennis Rodman, basketball star of the 90's. He actually did alot of interviews dressed and admitted in his book that he did enjoy cding and was bi-curious.

There are countless others who I could name who admit to being crossdressers, but it does seem to be a bit of a curse becuase once the cat is out of the bag, the acting/music slows down.

Then there is Marv Albert, who sadly showed thigns in a bad light when a little threesome he was involved in got violent and the girl involved charged him with assult for biting her. He admitted to being an 'underdresser' though more than full fledged crossdresser.

There also have been alot of tattle tale Hollywood scandle books (one tht comes to mind is "you will never have sex in this town again) throughout the years where women have told (but with held big names) of alot of producers and directors who did crossdressing in their play time.

And it shoudl not be any huge secret but when any working 'escort' gets interviewed from Washington the number one fetish or want from congressmen and represenatives is crossdressing or role play. I also know from a very realiable source of a Texas congressman who attended several Provincetown events. Never once was seen in male mode at the convention as he was super careful to hide his idenity.

So there are cd's in every high profile job, but most of them are very very stealthy and pay people alot of money to keep their secret a secret.

THen on the other hand.... There are several non-op ts gals I have chatted with over the years who have suppoably dated (in private of course) huge big name A-list ators. The kind of names people would instantly recognise but who are basically 'admirers'. Many married with kids but who want to be with t-girls.


I think crossdressing is everywhere and obviously has many levels of participation, but most people are able to keep their needs in check in such a way it will never leak out to the general public.

hugs
kathy in canada

[Violet]

You all have made great points. I feel that the number one reason we have a great hesitation about 'coming out' is because we are so internally conflicted about who and what we are. The same accusations and misconceptions thrown at us by society, we echo to ourselves a hundredfold. And of course, by converse, once you get past the overwhelming self-loathing there's the overwhelming societal loathing to deal with. Two sides of the same coin, as they feed each other. The society's reaction to us provokes us to stay silent, and as we continue to stay silent it merely provokes society to deal more harshly with those of us who can cross that divide, since it makes us seem all the more isolated and freakish. Until all of us, from the under-dressers to the full-on trangenders, from the fetishists to the androgynes to the post-op transsexuals, band togeather and declare to society with a united voice that we refuse to be treated as subhuman, this situation will get nowhere. Sure, you can't force people to accept you, but you can prove to them that you're willing to stand up and fight. Most bullies are cowards who fear a simple, concerted defiance.