As one who was out and not afraid,and as one who has landed back in the closet this post has reached my innermost feelings and is why this forum is such a great place to be.My very first step outside as Jennifer came on Halloween 2002.I will never forget that first step out into the world.I was taught by a very good friend to be careful,courteous and not to be afraid.I am(hopefully)not bragging but I continued to go out for 4 years on a regular basis,following the rules taught me and never had a bad word spoken to me.
Being careful with where I went out seemed to be the biggest factor on not being afraid.I do remember being out one time by myself and having to go into a parking garage at night,that was the most fear I had ever felt.
After my divorce my self confidence left me and for the first time I was afraid.That fear landed me back in the closet I had worked so hard getting out of.
I am working hard at getting that self confidence back and slowly it is coming.I have been thinking alot about fear these last few years and I am tired of being afraid.I am now looking for that fine line of being careful or being afraid.I know its there,it haunts my thoughts on a daily basis as I try to free myself from the closet once more.
If you live in fear, you let "them" win...
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Jennifer M
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:04 pm
- Location: Upstate New York
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi CJ, Girls,
I don't know how I missed this thread, but I am glad I found it. This is such an important issue to our community. I know I have done other threads about fear. And there are different kinds of fear. Fear for one's safety. Fear of being outed in public. Fear of being publicly embarrassed. Fear of being harassed.
It can be quite paralyzing. I think for me it just boils down to quality of life. To me, living in fear is not living at all. I spent my childhood living in fear and being bullied. Not just by strangers, but by my own family. I had three older brothers and my dad who all wanted me to prove a manhood I had no desire to prove. So they made fun of me incessantly, calling me a "pussy", "sissy" or that what ever I was doing, it was how a girl did it. "You throw like a girl"."You run like a girl", "You complain like a girl".
I ended up isolated and stayed to myself. To have any self esteem at all, everyone had to be wrong, and I had to be right. I just couldn't tell anyone what the problem was. First, they wouldn't have believed me and secondly, they would have persecuted me mercilessly. So I started my life of being afraid to reveal who I was.
That makes it pretty hard to let go of at age 42. So I just kinda went cold turkey. I made up my mind I was just not going to be afraid. Or more precisely, I would not let my fear keep me from going out and being me.
It has created some conflict because things I used to do, like going to the store late at night by myself, are just things I can't do now. It's a compromise I have to make. It's just not safe. But I rationalize it this way. It's not safe for a woman to be out late at night by herself.
So in this regard I don't think of it as a handicap of being transsexual, but more of the reality of being a woman. I know there are people out there who have strong feelings about transgendered people, that might cause me great bodily harm. But I just can't live my life waiting for that to happen. It's a numbers game. There are a certain percentage of us that are going to hurt and killed by those who have a deep hatred of us, and what we represent to them. I take reasonable precautions, but I won't change how I live my life because this threat exists.
In the end the worst anyone can do is kill me. In a way that would be better than living my life in fear. I guess that's how I see it.
Anyway, thanks for bringing this up CJ. It's a worthy subject. Not sure I helped much, but there it is.
Love Always,
Elizabeth
I don't know how I missed this thread, but I am glad I found it. This is such an important issue to our community. I know I have done other threads about fear. And there are different kinds of fear. Fear for one's safety. Fear of being outed in public. Fear of being publicly embarrassed. Fear of being harassed.
It can be quite paralyzing. I think for me it just boils down to quality of life. To me, living in fear is not living at all. I spent my childhood living in fear and being bullied. Not just by strangers, but by my own family. I had three older brothers and my dad who all wanted me to prove a manhood I had no desire to prove. So they made fun of me incessantly, calling me a "pussy", "sissy" or that what ever I was doing, it was how a girl did it. "You throw like a girl"."You run like a girl", "You complain like a girl".
I ended up isolated and stayed to myself. To have any self esteem at all, everyone had to be wrong, and I had to be right. I just couldn't tell anyone what the problem was. First, they wouldn't have believed me and secondly, they would have persecuted me mercilessly. So I started my life of being afraid to reveal who I was.
That makes it pretty hard to let go of at age 42. So I just kinda went cold turkey. I made up my mind I was just not going to be afraid. Or more precisely, I would not let my fear keep me from going out and being me.
It has created some conflict because things I used to do, like going to the store late at night by myself, are just things I can't do now. It's a compromise I have to make. It's just not safe. But I rationalize it this way. It's not safe for a woman to be out late at night by herself.
So in this regard I don't think of it as a handicap of being transsexual, but more of the reality of being a woman. I know there are people out there who have strong feelings about transgendered people, that might cause me great bodily harm. But I just can't live my life waiting for that to happen. It's a numbers game. There are a certain percentage of us that are going to hurt and killed by those who have a deep hatred of us, and what we represent to them. I take reasonable precautions, but I won't change how I live my life because this threat exists.
In the end the worst anyone can do is kill me. In a way that would be better than living my life in fear. I guess that's how I see it.
Anyway, thanks for bringing this up CJ. It's a worthy subject. Not sure I helped much, but there it is.
Love Always,
Elizabeth
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Elizabeth,
You just pinned the tail on the donkey: In the end the worst anyone can do is kill me. In a way that would be better than living my life in fear.
In other words, "I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees."
But that is a particularly tough stance to take as it requires a certain temperament or disposition of character--one which you, Elizabeth, seem to possess.
I often hear the argument, in the justification of fear, that, the more we have to lose, the more we have to fear. That argument carries no truck with me, however, because, ultimately, all of us, without exception, have only one thing to lose and one thing only: our very soul (or our self or whatever you want to call that which makes you ineluctably you). Yes, it's true that we lose that when we die or are killed but we lose it also while we live if we cannot remain true to that soul or self that we are.
Again, one of my favorite quotes by Norman Cousins: "The tragedy of life lies not in the fact that we die but in what dies inside us while we live." Even survivors of the harshest atrocities (for instance, concentration camp survivors like Elie Wiesel or Viktor Frankl) survived because they knew that even the worst their captors and tormentors could do to them had no power to take their soul or self away. They remained steadfast in holding on to their most basic dignity and self-respect as human beings. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can take that away from you. They can laugh at you, they can mock you, beat you, or even, yes, kill you. But they can't take away the soul of who you are. And the funny thing is, I find, is that those who beat and kill other people have, themselves, lost their own soul (or, perhaps, have never thought to look for it in the first place). People like this may think they're mastering the world, instilling fear in others but, in fact, they're the ones who, by abdicating their humanity, are living on their knees.
Good post, Elizabeth. Again, thanks, Sis!
Love,
CJ
Elizabeth,
You just pinned the tail on the donkey: In the end the worst anyone can do is kill me. In a way that would be better than living my life in fear.
In other words, "I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees."
But that is a particularly tough stance to take as it requires a certain temperament or disposition of character--one which you, Elizabeth, seem to possess.
I often hear the argument, in the justification of fear, that, the more we have to lose, the more we have to fear. That argument carries no truck with me, however, because, ultimately, all of us, without exception, have only one thing to lose and one thing only: our very soul (or our self or whatever you want to call that which makes you ineluctably you). Yes, it's true that we lose that when we die or are killed but we lose it also while we live if we cannot remain true to that soul or self that we are.
Again, one of my favorite quotes by Norman Cousins: "The tragedy of life lies not in the fact that we die but in what dies inside us while we live." Even survivors of the harshest atrocities (for instance, concentration camp survivors like Elie Wiesel or Viktor Frankl) survived because they knew that even the worst their captors and tormentors could do to them had no power to take their soul or self away. They remained steadfast in holding on to their most basic dignity and self-respect as human beings. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can take that away from you. They can laugh at you, they can mock you, beat you, or even, yes, kill you. But they can't take away the soul of who you are. And the funny thing is, I find, is that those who beat and kill other people have, themselves, lost their own soul (or, perhaps, have never thought to look for it in the first place). People like this may think they're mastering the world, instilling fear in others but, in fact, they're the ones who, by abdicating their humanity, are living on their knees.
Good post, Elizabeth. Again, thanks, Sis!
Love,
CJ
