Well I have read all the posts and I guess I know why Darlene and I were dubbed the "Twin Diamond Princesses"
Right On Sis!!!!!
Love,
Virginia
Now that I am out of the closet, how do I get back in
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Jassmine(SO)
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 626
- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:13 am
- Location: Irving
Hi Calina,
Elizabeth wrote:
My daughter from my first marriage had to deal with me divorcing her dad, and her stepfather. She came through it just fine. It was hard for her but she HATED seeing me miserable. She was one of my biggest supporters through my second divorce. She was always there for me with open ears and a strong shoulder. Mind you she was only 16 at the time. As you can imagine I am extremely proud of her. Now if I had stayed married to her father, she would not have turned out to be the fine young woman that she is today. I put myself first in order to be a better mom to her.
The way I see it you have 2 choices. A: staying in a relationship where you are not happy and probably won't ever be and living with a constant sorrow, or B: going through theTEMPORARY pain of divorce. As Darlene stated we will support you no matter which choice you make.
Once again, I ask that you take some time to think about what is best for you. You must take care of yourself first in order to be any good to anybody else.
*Hugs & Love*
Elizabeth wrote:
Elizabeth is right. Not only can you not be responsible for another's happiness but you also cannot expect someone to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. You alone are responsible for your feelings as your wife is solely responsible for hers. I have to be brutally honest, if you continue down the path of trying to make your wife happy, you will remain very unhappy yourself.Calina, you can not be responsible for the happiness of another person. You only have the ability to make yourself happy. If you sacrifice your happiness, it will not only not make her happy, but will also prevent your happiness.
Staying in a marriage where both parties are miserable is NOT doing your daughter any good. My parents divorced when I was 10. Did it suck, HECK YEAH!! But what sucked even more was seeing both of them miserable and having to listen to their arguments. Now, that was truly awfulI cannot let that happen to me. I did not have a dad from 3yrs(when my mom divorced my abusive father) to 14yrs old(when my mom met my dad) and I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO MY DAUGHTER.
My daughter from my first marriage had to deal with me divorcing her dad, and her stepfather. She came through it just fine. It was hard for her but she HATED seeing me miserable. She was one of my biggest supporters through my second divorce. She was always there for me with open ears and a strong shoulder. Mind you she was only 16 at the time. As you can imagine I am extremely proud of her. Now if I had stayed married to her father, she would not have turned out to be the fine young woman that she is today. I put myself first in order to be a better mom to her. The way I see it you have 2 choices. A: staying in a relationship where you are not happy and probably won't ever be and living with a constant sorrow, or B: going through theTEMPORARY pain of divorce. As Darlene stated we will support you no matter which choice you make.
Once again, I ask that you take some time to think about what is best for you. You must take care of yourself first in order to be any good to anybody else.
*Hugs & Love*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi Calina,
Sorry I didn't see this thread until this morning.
We have someone who is a therapist on the forum Kay(SO). I think she's probably the only qualified professional that could really give you advice that's from her practice, but you have gotten A LOT of great advice from those who have experienced life and empathize with your emotions and trials.
I've read every word that you've typed in this thread and to me it sounds like two things are clear. One is you really need to talk some things out. You've said so much and though most of it dealt with your marriage, a large portion was just you opening up. The second thing was that you have convinced yourself sweetie that you can't or won't let any kind of seperation happen. That's the stuff you pay professionals for. There is nothing we can say that is going to change that for you. It's dangerous too because it sounds like you're saying you'll cause harm to your family and yourself or just yourself.
Elizabeth, to me, is the closest to being where you are now only a few days ago. Elizabeth's experiences are all documented here. In fact the only suggestion I'll make is that you use search and go back to her intro to us. The only time that I got pissed at her during the entire event is when she told us she tried to leave the planet. There is no more selfish/cowardly act than hurting another or taking one's life because another individual hurt them ESPECIALLY when they have a child or children. That's a power play and it's bull. Elizabeth would have missed all the love that she's receiving from her children in the form of support and she would have caused those children to live with a mom who isn't sure about herself or what she wants in life. Lastly her children never would have known how much love was capable from their father. They would have had to wonder forever. Totally uncool!
The last paragraph was a bit of a "I hate that" paragraph, but in reality when you say what you will or won't do and you're talking about something that you can't control, well sweetie it puts you and your loved ones in a very dangerous place. Please think about that.
Elizabeth is a winner in life because she took control, despite her incredible fear of the unknown. Now she's a huge hero to lots of us here and especially to her children. 
Regardless Calina, I will continue to listen. Only you can work this out. If you have any question you'd like any of us to answer feel free to ask. I'll be here to listen as long as you have the strength to type.
My prayers are with you.
Beauty
Sorry I didn't see this thread until this morning.
We have someone who is a therapist on the forum Kay(SO). I think she's probably the only qualified professional that could really give you advice that's from her practice, but you have gotten A LOT of great advice from those who have experienced life and empathize with your emotions and trials.
I've read every word that you've typed in this thread and to me it sounds like two things are clear. One is you really need to talk some things out. You've said so much and though most of it dealt with your marriage, a large portion was just you opening up. The second thing was that you have convinced yourself sweetie that you can't or won't let any kind of seperation happen. That's the stuff you pay professionals for. There is nothing we can say that is going to change that for you. It's dangerous too because it sounds like you're saying you'll cause harm to your family and yourself or just yourself.
Elizabeth, to me, is the closest to being where you are now only a few days ago. Elizabeth's experiences are all documented here. In fact the only suggestion I'll make is that you use search and go back to her intro to us. The only time that I got pissed at her during the entire event is when she told us she tried to leave the planet. There is no more selfish/cowardly act than hurting another or taking one's life because another individual hurt them ESPECIALLY when they have a child or children. That's a power play and it's bull. Elizabeth would have missed all the love that she's receiving from her children in the form of support and she would have caused those children to live with a mom who isn't sure about herself or what she wants in life. Lastly her children never would have known how much love was capable from their father. They would have had to wonder forever. Totally uncool!
The last paragraph was a bit of a "I hate that" paragraph, but in reality when you say what you will or won't do and you're talking about something that you can't control, well sweetie it puts you and your loved ones in a very dangerous place. Please think about that.
Elizabeth is a winner in life because she took control, despite her incredible fear of the unknown. Now she's a huge hero to lots of us here and especially to her children. Regardless Calina, I will continue to listen. Only you can work this out. If you have any question you'd like any of us to answer feel free to ask. I'll be here to listen as long as you have the strength to type.
My prayers are with you.
Beauty
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi again Calina,
Saying classy response was meant as a good thing.
I'm glad you won't hurt your family. I don't know from other than what I read, so I was worried because of the "I Won't/I Can't" statement. Since that has been ruled out then copy and paste the part about where Elizabeth tried to hurt herself.
I'm not letting you get out of it that quick. 
No harm must come to you because you will cause permanent harm to your family.
I just don't accept that at all. I've dealt with too many children who have been completely unable to become healthy adults because of a parents selfish act of taking themselves out and leaving them around to suffer. You are a loving parent so "You Can" and "You Should" do EVERYTHING for your child's happiness that you can control. So see how that doesn't gel with I Can't and I Won't? 
Regardless, you are doing yourself and your family a great service by coming here and talking it out. You're really doing incredible job by sharing with us. This proves how much you love them. Of course there are other things you do daily that I will never see that prove that also.
Beauty
Saying classy response was meant as a good thing.
I'm glad you won't hurt your family. I don't know from other than what I read, so I was worried because of the "I Won't/I Can't" statement. Since that has been ruled out then copy and paste the part about where Elizabeth tried to hurt herself.
I'm not letting you get out of it that quick. No harm must come to you because you will cause permanent harm to your family.
I just don't accept that at all. I've dealt with too many children who have been completely unable to become healthy adults because of a parents selfish act of taking themselves out and leaving them around to suffer. You are a loving parent so "You Can" and "You Should" do EVERYTHING for your child's happiness that you can control. So see how that doesn't gel with I Can't and I Won't? Regardless, you are doing yourself and your family a great service by coming here and talking it out. You're really doing incredible job by sharing with us. This proves how much you love them. Of course there are other things you do daily that I will never see that prove that also.
Beauty
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi Calina,
I went through this entire thought process that you are going through. I understand it. But what took me so long to really understand was that I did not control the events.
Us crossdressers are pretty smart people and we are real good manipulators. And even while you may really feel like you don't want to live your life without your wife, this is more likely just emotional blackmail. You are trying to change what she does with your actions. And the real truth is, you don't control her. She has a free mind to do whatever she wants.
I just could not get it through my head that I had to stop trying to manipulate her into doing what I wanted, and just start doing what I wanted, and let her do what she wanted. I could not promise to make changes that I knew I could not make. In fact, no one can change for another person, you can only change for yourself. I have said this before.
But this is what happened to get it to sink in. I was at my brothers house and we were discussing my situation. He had been listening to me ramble on for quite some time, pretty much like this thread.
He finally sat up in his chair, which he rarely does, turned his head to look directly at me, and used his most stern voice and asked me "When has anything ever turned out like you thought it would?" I thought for a moment and realized that it has never happened, so after about a one second pause I said, "never, not once have things turned out how I thought they would". He then said "right, it never does, so what makes you think you are going to get a certain outcome this time, when it has never happened in the past?"
That was the day things changed for me. I realized that I had no control over anything. All the planning, all thinking about all the scenarios that might happen, all the setups to try to make things go a certain way, were all for not. On that day, I turned my will over to my creator. Because as it turns out, whatever it is that controls this universe, it is not me. I am just an actor in it.
Yes, I have relapses into my old behavior and start thinking I am going to control events again, then I catch myself or someone else does and I snap back to reality.
My advice to you, is to stop trying to make something happen, and just let it happen. It will free you of the responsibilty of the future. I found this freedom quite liberating. I now feel like I am living my life for the first time, because I am not responsible for what happens. Just my own actions.
Yes, my wife chose not to stay, but why would I want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me? Plus all the negativity of her non acceptance of me is gone, allowing me to put behind me all those feelings of inferiority. My kids accept me, my friends accept me, and it seems the world accepts me. And while I don't have the company of my wife, I am still way happier than I was with her. I was just afraid to be without her because I had never been without her. But just like my others fears, it seems that "the worse ain't so bad, not nearly as bad as you think it is going to be before it happens" (Treasure of the Sierra Madre).
Nothing bad has happened to me, and plenty of good things have. It started when I stopped trying to control things. Some times you have to run full blast at a closed door, and just beleive it is going to open and it is not up to you to open it.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I went through this entire thought process that you are going through. I understand it. But what took me so long to really understand was that I did not control the events.
Us crossdressers are pretty smart people and we are real good manipulators. And even while you may really feel like you don't want to live your life without your wife, this is more likely just emotional blackmail. You are trying to change what she does with your actions. And the real truth is, you don't control her. She has a free mind to do whatever she wants.
I just could not get it through my head that I had to stop trying to manipulate her into doing what I wanted, and just start doing what I wanted, and let her do what she wanted. I could not promise to make changes that I knew I could not make. In fact, no one can change for another person, you can only change for yourself. I have said this before.
But this is what happened to get it to sink in. I was at my brothers house and we were discussing my situation. He had been listening to me ramble on for quite some time, pretty much like this thread.
He finally sat up in his chair, which he rarely does, turned his head to look directly at me, and used his most stern voice and asked me "When has anything ever turned out like you thought it would?" I thought for a moment and realized that it has never happened, so after about a one second pause I said, "never, not once have things turned out how I thought they would". He then said "right, it never does, so what makes you think you are going to get a certain outcome this time, when it has never happened in the past?"
That was the day things changed for me. I realized that I had no control over anything. All the planning, all thinking about all the scenarios that might happen, all the setups to try to make things go a certain way, were all for not. On that day, I turned my will over to my creator. Because as it turns out, whatever it is that controls this universe, it is not me. I am just an actor in it.
Yes, I have relapses into my old behavior and start thinking I am going to control events again, then I catch myself or someone else does and I snap back to reality.
My advice to you, is to stop trying to make something happen, and just let it happen. It will free you of the responsibilty of the future. I found this freedom quite liberating. I now feel like I am living my life for the first time, because I am not responsible for what happens. Just my own actions.
Yes, my wife chose not to stay, but why would I want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me? Plus all the negativity of her non acceptance of me is gone, allowing me to put behind me all those feelings of inferiority. My kids accept me, my friends accept me, and it seems the world accepts me. And while I don't have the company of my wife, I am still way happier than I was with her. I was just afraid to be without her because I had never been without her. But just like my others fears, it seems that "the worse ain't so bad, not nearly as bad as you think it is going to be before it happens" (Treasure of the Sierra Madre).
Nothing bad has happened to me, and plenty of good things have. It started when I stopped trying to control things. Some times you have to run full blast at a closed door, and just beleive it is going to open and it is not up to you to open it.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Kristen
- E-mail address not valid - Contact Admin
- Posts: 580
- Joined: Sun May 23, 2004 6:20 pm
- Location: Greeley, Colorado
Calina, I don't think you'll get any better advice than from one that knows. Well spoken, tried and true, Elizabeth. .............Kristen
Do want you want to do, be who you want to be.
* * Email address not current as of 10-07-2008! Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
* * Email address not current as of 10-07-2008! Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi Calina,
We have a lot of the same traits. Here's the link to an article that helped me realize I'm more than a CD'r and less than a TS.
CJ started this AWESOME thread and I finally felt like someone knew I was out there.
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... sgenderist
Beauty
We have a lot of the same traits. Here's the link to an article that helped me realize I'm more than a CD'r and less than a TS.
CJ started this AWESOME thread and I finally felt like someone knew I was out there.
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... sgenderist
Beauty
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Calina,
Here are some threads of me going through what you are going through, I think you might find some things in there you can use. You will see a lot of the same sisters that supporting me, as they are you, and you will find a lot of the same great advice.
"Losing my Mind"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... sc&start=0
"Told Therapist"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#19817
"My wife is really freaking me out"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#21541
"I Just can't Believe this Happened to Me"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#22864
"Leaving, Kicked out"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#23383
"End of the Beginning"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#25446
"It turns out it's about happiness"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#25049
"Beginning of the End"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#26984
"Feeling like a Frightened Child"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... sc&start=0
"Acute Stress Disorder"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#28756
"What an Interesting Day"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#29245
"OK. I did it I went out in almost 100% Feminine Attire"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#29446
"I love being me now"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#30403
"The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly? True Story really long"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#30853
"Wife back home with accepting attitude-Really long"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#31129
"I just had to ask"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#32755
There is a lot of good stuff in there from my sisters here, and I know that I could not have made this same journey so quickly without thier love, wisdom, kindness and support.
I have come from non-acceptance to acceptance, from fear to freedom, from hating myself to loving myself. From not wanting to go on, to looking forward to going on.
I hope you can find something in there to help you make the decisions you must make, because no matter how much we support you here, which we will, in the end, you must decide what to do in your life.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Here are some threads of me going through what you are going through, I think you might find some things in there you can use. You will see a lot of the same sisters that supporting me, as they are you, and you will find a lot of the same great advice.
"Losing my Mind"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... sc&start=0
"Told Therapist"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#19817
"My wife is really freaking me out"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#21541
"I Just can't Believe this Happened to Me"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#22864
"Leaving, Kicked out"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#23383
"End of the Beginning"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#25446
"It turns out it's about happiness"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#25049
"Beginning of the End"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#26984
"Feeling like a Frightened Child"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... sc&start=0
"Acute Stress Disorder"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#28756
"What an Interesting Day"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#29245
"OK. I did it I went out in almost 100% Feminine Attire"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#29446
"I love being me now"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#30403
"The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly? True Story really long"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#30853
"Wife back home with accepting attitude-Really long"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#31129
"I just had to ask"
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#32755
There is a lot of good stuff in there from my sisters here, and I know that I could not have made this same journey so quickly without thier love, wisdom, kindness and support.
I have come from non-acceptance to acceptance, from fear to freedom, from hating myself to loving myself. From not wanting to go on, to looking forward to going on.
I hope you can find something in there to help you make the decisions you must make, because no matter how much we support you here, which we will, in the end, you must decide what to do in your life.
Love always,
Elizabeth