Really having a tough time here

[Julie M.]

Well we had our therapy session tonight. It was like digging up old wounds. I walked into there having some very positive feelings about my wife. Yesterday she sees me dressed, then we go to a drag show then she says how she felt for me about what it must be like with a mind-body conflict (not those exact words).

Then the therapist starts asking questions and my wife starts blaming me for quitting this active listening homework we did after the first session when in reality she only mentioned it twice in three weeks. But it was all my fault! After that it just went downhill.

She said she would never have the life she wants living with me. Then she says she loves me. Do you see why I'm all mixed up?

During the session I wanted to just get up and say, "I've heard enough. This is the same old complaints exaggerated 100 times more than reality and told so I look like the one at fault for all your problems. I want out!"

But I didn't.

I got up this morning and put on the top to my cami-jamas. I wore the bottoms to bed last night. Then I thought, "What the hell" and put on makeup and wig and proceeded to install the spicerack I built for her yesterday. I took some pictures and posted one on the other site to finish the project thread. It seemed so natural being dressed.

Then I thought how my wife has complained I do nothing when I am dressed so I figured I'd continue doing something. I changed into a skirt and top and cleaned the downstairs. I figured I had to be done by 2PM so I could change back before she got home. I finished cleaning and dashed upstairs to change back.

My attitude and view of the world change so much between dressed and drab. It's like being a phony then being yourself but having to go back to be a phony to please others.

She'll never get the life she wants being married to me and neither will I.

Anyway the spicerack is done and she said she likes it. She liked how I made room for her clock and spice picture.


She also thanked me for cleaning the house.

And I was lulled into contentment. I thought we were walking the same path.

I can't blame her. How many women would say, "Hey that guy in the picture there looks like marriage material to me"?

Your friend,
Julie

[DonnaT]

I don't understand why you changed before she got home.

Heck, I'll put on my French maid's uniform (she made it for me when I asked) and clean house every once in a while, and leave it on when she gets home.

She finds it funny, but if I throw in a curtsey, she doesn't feel comfortable with that. I guess it's because I appear subserviant?

[Carolynn]

Wow Julie, Martha Stewart with carpentry skills?

Hope you can navigate clear of the shoals and find clear sailing ahead!!

[Ginny]

Well we had our therapy session tonight. It was like digging up old wounds. I walked into there having some very positive feelings about my wife. Yesterday she sees me dressed, then we go to a drag show then she says how she felt for me about what it must be like with a mind-body conflict (not those exact words).

Then the therapist starts asking questions and my wife starts blaming me for quitting this active listening homework we did after the first session when in reality she only mentioned it twice in three weeks. But it was all my fault! After that it just went downhill.

She said she would never have the life she wants living with me. Then she says she loves me. Do you see why I'm all mixed up?

During the session I wanted to just get up and say, "I've heard enough. This is the same old complaints exaggerated 100 times more than reality and told so I look like the one at fault for all your problems. I want out!"

But I didn't.

I got up this morning and put on the top to my cami-jamas. I wore the bottoms to bed last night. Then I thought, "What the hell" and put on makeup and wig and proceeded to install the spicerack I built for her yesterday. I took some pictures and posted one on the other site to finish the project thread. It seemed so natural being dressed.

Then I thought how my wife has complained I do nothing when I am dressed so I figured I'd continue doing something. I changed into a skirt and top and cleaned the downstairs. I figured I had to be done by 2PM so I could change back before she got home. I finished cleaning and dashed upstairs to change back.

My attitude and view of the world change so much between dressed and drab. It's like being a phony then being yourself but having to go back to be a phony to please others.

She'll never get the life she wants being married to me and neither will I.

Anyway the spicerack is done and she said she likes it. She liked how I made room for her clock and spice picture.
http://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/imag ... erack4.jpg

She also thanked me for cleaning the house.

And I was lulled into contentment. I thought we were walking the same path.

I can't blame her. How many women would say, "Hey that guy in the picture there looks like marriage material to me"?

Your friend,
Julie

Julie, I hear a plea for help, a plaintive cry, whatever.

We all do it, don't we? We try to balance the phony who wears boy clothes and tries to present the image of the stereotypical male whilst the true self inside is screaming out to be accepted in silk and satin. But we know we ask too much of our families and SOs..

I gave up the internal battle, and compromise by being away from home as much as possible. That maximises the wages, minimises the strains, and so far has not led to melt-down. I just have to put up with the withdrawal symptoms for a week or so each time I'm home. For some domestic situations it's just not that easy.

Julie, we're always here, spice racks, bubblegum, wahtever you like.

I get through it by just laughing at myself and at you all. We are really very odd and very funny. Just don't take it all too seriously, if you can help it.

[Julie M.]

Thanks Girls,

As always, you're pillars in my life keeping me upright.

I have come to the conclusion I have to get off this merri-go-round. I keep being lured in then batted away. And I have been a willing participant, probably because I don't want to give up on almost 23 years of marriage.

I wrote a PM to Elizabeth and it turned into a sort of revalation to me. As I was writing I suddenly realized if my wife doesn't also get professional help then I don't want to stay. The problem is she recreates the past to portray herself in a better light and she believes it. There have been times when the whole family will be telling her what they remember, and all agreeing, and she stands firm she's right and we're all wrong. Usually we just let it go but one time I remember we stood firm and it ended when she stormed out of the room crying saying, "You all think I'm crazy".

What I see as an unsolvable problem is she truly believes her version is accurate and when it's just the two of us I'm always wrong.

Last night she told the therapist she prodded me to go see my dad before he died and continued to do so until I finally caved. That I refused to believe he was dying and that I was unable to be with anyone who was suffering.

The reality was I told her I needed to see him before he died and time was running out and she agreed. I didn't need any prodding, I wanted to see him. I didn't refuse to believe he was dying but I was holding onto a thread of hope he would somehow be cured. And when I did see him I was hurt he was in so much pain he could barely move but I was so happy to see him. I saw he needed help the doctors weren't giving him and I questioned them on it. That resulted in them doing a precedure on him that day to relieve the pain. The next day he was bright and cheerful and almost pain free. We had a good time together and the was the last time I saw him alive. I cherish that time.

But my wife told a story that made her the hero and me the heartless one in denial. This kind of thing goes on more and more often now. I could go on and on with similar stories but I think you get the picure.

So when a problem arises what I get is exaggerations and story telling which result in me being all her problems. She digs up past hurts and fires them at me like they were arrows. There is no statute of limitations. She has even gone back to before we were married and only dating a month or so. Her quiver is always full.

I don't see this ever being resolved because she doesn't think she has a problem. Even though I know her heart is good, she has a hurtful side that makes living with her painful.

[Julie M.]

I don't understand why you changed before she got home.

She said she didn't want me to "flaunt" Julie in front of her. I try to respect that. But I thought it interesting that when she had the choice she chose to see me dressed.

[Marda]

Well here goes ... sticking my neck waaaayyyyy out.

Julie "is" a Convertible SUV 4x4 ... Porsche ?

Julie's SO "thought" (for a long time) that she "had" a Camper - MiniVan ?

Time for a trip to the "PartnerShip" ... get an appraisal, do a deal

/Marda

[DonnaT]

The reason I asked, is that you said "Then I thought how my wife has complained I do nothing when I am dressed so I figured I'd continue doing something."

I'd have stayed dressed and shown her what all I did while dressed. Not flaunting it, just indicating that when I got dressed I then felt like cleaning, etc.

By the way, nice rack, er spice rack. Gonna have to make one for my wife, or is it for me, since the ones we have lined on the back of the stove like to take a plunge dive if the oven door is closed too hard.

[Julie M.]

Well here goes ... sticking my neck waaaayyyyy out.

Julie "is" a Convertible SUV 4x4 ... Porsche ?

Julie's SO "thought" (for a long time) that she "had" a Camper - MiniVan ?

Time for a trip to the "PartnerShip" ... get an appraisal, do a deal

/Marda

Yep, finish up projects around the house
Put it on the market
Divide our stuff in half
Find a new place to live
Enjoy the rest of my life
No more walking on eggs
No more mixed signals
Just peace and tranquility

[Marda]

Yep, finish up projects around the house
Put it on the market
Divide our stuff in half
Find a new place to live
Enjoy the rest of my life
No more walking on eggs
No more mixed signals
Just peace and tranquility

Is anything feeling different now you've "said the words" ?

/Marda

[Julie M.]

Sometimes I could just cry.

I just came home from a night out dressed. There's nothing new there but what preceeded it was new.

I was working on my other website, the one that I generate an income from. I have tried to learn too much on my own and I was getting frustrated. I told my wife. She said, "Why don't you go out?" This meant go out dressed.

She always seems to know when I have reached my limit.

I called Jacki who was too tired to even talk. I said take a nap and call me if you want to go out.

My wife and I had some very pleasant conversations. Later I told her I needed to take a shower. While in the shower Jacki called and when I came downstairs she and Jacki were in the middle of a conversation. She seemed to want to be alone so I left.

From there we talked some more then she said, "You need to get dressed. We can talk about this later."

So I went upstairs and started doing my makeup. She was standing jus outside the bathroom and asked if I minded if she came in. I told her I was completely open to her and only considered her feelings with this.

She walked in and before I began putting on makeup asked if we could hug. Happily I obliged. I wondered if this was a moment or a sign of things to come.

I began putting on makeup and she watched. I took much longer than normal because it was so nice to have her there. We talked and she helped me with my makeup.

She watched me through the whole process and didn't flinch. When it was time to go she said she loved me and have fun.

She called Jacki's house and again said have fun.

I had invited her to join us but she declined. When I was talking to her at Jacki's house I again said she should join us.

"Not tonight but I think it would be interesting some time."

The saga continues......

[Ginny]

julie,

it's ups and downs with those GGs. Don't I know it!

What I don't know is whether they deliberately play us guys for fools, like fish, or if they are really so changeable.

but sooner or later you may just throw your hands up and say 'what the hell'. I've reached that point.

At the end of the day it will always look like they were prepared to compromise. The fact that you might get to the end of your tether, snap. and then appear to behave unreasonably, is not always taken into consideration.

I know where you are but I can't tell you the best route out.

take care

[Marda]

What I don't know is whether they deliberately play us guys for fools, like fish, or if they are really so changeable.

~
There's a saying "Don't assume as malice what can be simply attributed to stupidity" ...
I'm prepared to accept a slight variation on theme "Don't assume as malice what can be simply attributed to *insecurity*" ...
~
Infairness to an SO in your wife's situation (possibly more than many of them would cut for us), it can't be all that easy staring 3 or 4 decades (or more) of perceptual and behavioural conditioning in the eye and accepting that almost everything you've ever thought, or thought you believed, is now thrown up in the air in pieces and complete question ...

I say this because I've done just that for the last 2 years and have now given myself a clean bill of mental health ... all the way from unconscious and almost dead, through physical restraint and protective isolation, into hospitalization, medication, therapy and now FREEDOM

My only therapy or medication now is Music

My heart is out to all who suffer the road to enlightenment in pursuit of peace with the universe and personal tranquility under The Great Master
~
Good Luck Everybody

/Marda

[Loretta Ann]

Julie,

I know the up and downs can be frustrating, But it sure looks as though your wife is trying really hard.

[Kersten Lee]

Julie M.,

You have described much of my life and marriage. Everything that everyone has said, has been true at one time or another for me. Life is complicated. Even your descriptions about spending time together mirrors my life. I don't believe everything I want and need is the best for me at all times. Yet I have been like you, working and trying all my life to please all those around me to my own detriment. Marriage has been the best thing in my life and the worst. I have said so many times how important everyone's imput is to me. I think one doing all things that pop in one's head with no regard for others won't bring true happiness. That can become it's own dysfunction. Moderation in all things is always good advice, I believe.

I have said before how I have not fulfilled my husbandly duties. Being raised under such severe conditions, warped my sense of reality. I worked and made money and my self worth was my job and money. My wife has been dysfunctional also, because for 29 years she was my mother, father, wife, and lover. Our marriage worked all this time, marginally, because our dysfunctions matched like a puzzle.

Being in therapy now for two years I know I have gotten better. As I got better my wife was more and more unhappy. I know now it was because I was changing how my puzzle fit with hers. I used to be an obsessive dresser because it was my comfort blanket, like the kid's blanket on the Charlie Brown strip. I lived minute by minute fantasizing something about women's clothes, going out or thinking about the worst things that could happen to me, up to and including being beaten to death. This has happened several times in Nebraska. I had no happiness until I slipped into something nice, and then had guilt and self hate after.

It has been such a battle for me to find balance in my life. I was always black and white and am still somewhat that way. My wife's business hit hard times after 9/11, like so many others. I never participated at all in finances. As I got better and could relate to what love means, I have begun to be more responsive to my wife's needs. I had been pushing her to see a therapist for a year. We did go to a marriage counselor last winter for three months.

I knew she was going under in the business for the last three years. No matter how I approached it she would not confide in me. This summer my therapist recommended that I run a self credit check, not to end our marriage but to cover my behind because my wife was unwilling to share financial information with me. I didn't and wouldn't because I knew this would end my marriage. I hope everyone understands I contributed to this whole mess because of my own bad behaviors.

I told my wife three months ago that she had to confide in me or we weren't going to survive the aftermath of a financial collapse. I told her to go to a therapist and find out why you can't share this information with me or I would run the credit check. She went to a therapist the next week.
I told her to be sure of the outcome she wanted because that is the result the therapist will help her get even if that meant divorce.

I was home a couple weeks ago and got the mail. My wife came up and was trying to grab it out of my hands like a school girl. It was two statements from two different banks. A list of overdrawn checks from both. There was a credit card bill that was maxed and was at 28% interest.
I told her there was no choice now, tell me or this is the end. She had six cards maxed at 22 to 28% each. I'm not stupid and can run the numbers on what the bottom line is. The sad part is she knows too. She is quite intelligent. I never told her that until this last year. I used to be a mean sob.

I told her what was going to happen but that we need to see a financial advisor. He told us just exactly what I already knew. My wife didn't do this to hurt me or us or herself. Two years ago I could have hit her, walked out and hated her the rest of my remaining life. Cross-dressing was never the main issue only a convenient side show for her to hurt me back. I asked her if her therapist knows of all this? She told me no. I said so how were you going to fix this if you couldn't bare your soul to a "sworn to secrecy" third party. She had no idea.

I told her, she was no different than a gambling addict. What she done, I know do to my own therapy, was because of a mental dysfunction. Part of what we are, part of how we were raised, and part of how I continually depended on her to do everything for me and then my mental abuse of her destroyed her self esteem as my parents did to me. All of us played a part to get where we are today.

The second thing I wanted to do after seeing the statements for banks and credit card was to dress up and go out. That is not happy cross-dressing for me. I fell in the old trap to seek comfort in the cross-dressing rather than face what had to be done. I haven't had thoughts or feelings of hurting myself for about 9 months. Guess what? I thought and did hurt and abuse myself twice two weeks ago. I fell into my pattern of self hate and the thoughts that I deserve and need punishment. My therapist Monday was all over me. I said you helped to heal me to well. I don't want to kill myself but I am tired and want to give up, I told her I don't think there is anything left for me to do any more. She got me turned around and am commited to solving this current problem. Life is a mixed bag after all.

You aren't bad or dysfunctional if you end up divorcing. Sometimes things in life go bad even with the best intentions and hardest work. I don't have a clue how things will work out for me, but I know what I want. That alone is a huge thing for me.

I hope you can, at least, get a little insight from my story.
You look quite beautiful and happy in your picture.

Stay well,
Kersten