My heart is happy to have you share your views and thoughts with me on this thread. I am so pleased you had the time to read what I've written and took the time to offer your valuable views and advise. Thank you.
Try not to take people's lack of response here as them not wanting to participate.
Yes, I understand that and agree. It is just that the more people who participate make it all the more interesting. Plus the sharing is valuable in the fact that it assists all of us to learn. And I too want to learn as well as share what I have learned. So I guess sometimes I get a little anxious and want others to jump on the wagon and ride with me. lol
Lastly, thanks for your unique brand of humour,
You are most welcome. One of the things I love most, even in my days of darkest depression, is that I am often able to laugh at things and--more so--can often assist others to laugh as well. Perhaps that is my divine gift--the ability to give people laughter as I find they often laugh when I say things. So my heart is happy when I can do that and share laughter with all.
Have a beautiful week and again thanks for sharing. I love it when people do.
Some days it just isn't easy being a girl in a boy's body. Nor is it easy being a boy in a boy's body. Today has turned into one of those days. Some depression is back right now and I am feeling it whether I am Roberta or Bob. I've noticed that such things do not always change just because I put on different clothes.
Maybe it's the holiday. Maybe it's something else. I do not know. But right now, it is not easy being a girl in any body!
People keep wishing me a happy Memorial day but all I can think about when I consider such is what happened to me in the Marines. Why I am a disabled veteran and how angry it makes me that they still will not apologize to me for what THEY DID. And that makes me angrier. So to try to think about us veterans is not a good thing for me. I want to reach out to someone and say: "Hey, remember ME?" I too volunteered to "save my country. And look at me now!" Do you care mr. Bush? Hell no, you don't. All you want is to keep fighting your greedy war and to hell with everything else that matters. I HATE YOU, You warmongering SOB! And ALL you represent!
Someone told me the other day I could do better now for those things never happened to Roberta. And that is true. But they happened to the body she indwells and the psyche does not want to forget. Though I've tried since 1966. Yet, I must admit, I'm not having as rough a time as in the past. So I guess for that I can truly be grateful. But even being a woman in a male body does not always help me to forget things in the past. It is not always simple like I would like to believe. Times like these cause my old personality to flair and I find it difficult to squash it. Maybe I ought not to try to squash it. Maybe I ought to just let it be. Right now, I honestly do not know. That is how much the depression is having an affect on me right now.
So to paraphrase Kermit the frog: "It ain't easy being a girl in a body!"
I think I will put on my Hopalong Cassidy DVD's and watch those. Maybe it will help me to forget for a while.
I'm so glad the weekend/holiday is over. Today, life was back to normal for me. I got up, showered, dressed in my blue print skirt and new blue print top and went to the book study at Unity. In going, I realized something about Roberta--me--I NEED HUMAN CONTACT. Without it, I am not the same. I think that is a major reason for the depression over the weekend--I had stayed home all weekend and worked and was alone. So I had no human contact at all.
The depression is lighter today. Karen, the pastor at Unity, gave me a hug when I got there. And once, during the book study, she saw I was about to break out in tears, for I AM an emotional female at times, so she got up and walked around the table and gave me another hug--saying: "Sometimes it just gets too close to home, doesn't it?" Then she handed me the box of Kleenex and I used what I needed.
Tinnie and Karla also realized before the study was over, that I was going through some crisis for a "girl in a boy's body" and they also shared a hug with me. So I definitely feel like I am doing better right now.
Afterwards, Karen and I were the only two who stayed for pot luck lunch. So I had plenty of time to talk with her one-on-one and I certainly needed and wanted that also. It was perfect. I had gotten there early hoping I could talk to her like that but wasn't able so it worked out great for me. And I took advantage of it. We had a wonderful conversation about various things from America to transgenderism/CDing. She continues to accept me 100% at the church and that is great. She even told me: "You are making some friends here. Some of the others have told me they like having you here."
My reply was: "Yeah, sometimes I want it to happen instantly and when it doesn't, I wonder: What am I doing that is not right? What can I do to make it happen?"
"Nothing," she reminded me, "just allow it to happen naturally and it will."
So that is my lesson today as a "girl in a boy's body." Let things happen natually and they will. You can't rush them and make them happen instantly like instant potatoes or something. Like a flower, they have to sprout, grow and then blossom.
Learn from nature. All things do happen in their proper time and place if we allow it to be. This has been a hard lesson for me--even as Roberta--sometimes to learn. For I want it and I want it NOW.
In truth, I know, I have it NOW. But the Now takes time to blossom. The flower is there but you have to wait for it to manifest before you can admire it. So that was my lesson in the book study today.
My own affirmation:I AM Roberta and I AM learning to allow things in my life to unfold naturally and in their proper time.
* PS--I wore my new redhaired wig I bought a few days ago from Paula Young. NEAT....Karla told me it looked "really pretty" on me.
Home alone on a holiday can be depressing. And I've been sorting through some past things lately and it sometimes leaves me feeling very enraged also.
As a brief aside about Memorial day, it sometimes gets forgotten that it was originally just that. A day of mourning over those who died in our wars. With no disrespect towards anyone who made sacrifices for our country (and I have to include my father and the fathers of many of my friends here, as well as the children and neices and nephews of a lot of my friends now along with folks my own age who went to SE Asia) I sometimes think that the emphasis on honoring those who served is a way of deflecting attention from the fact that we mourn the loss of so many dead and that humanities leaders as a whole could have done a better job of leading us.
When I was younger I used to march with the American legion marching band. I remember back then that many members of the band had relatives who died during WW2. For them it was a far more somber event than it often is now.
Anyway Roberta I am glad you are feeling better. And given where you seem to be right now in your journey (maybe even a bit of an oddesey) it seems only natural that you will have both highs and lows. Hang in there.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
First, let me THANK YOU Absaroka for your kind and encouraging words. I always appreciate you writing and sharing your views with me.
Today, I spoke to the VA counselor, Latrecia, about wanting to go ahead and begin taking the female hormones. I asked her to help me and she said she would write a letter if I wanted her to do so. I said that was perfect as it would then give me a counselors view on being a transgender and will probably help me to convince a medical doctor to prescribe them for me.
To me it is another step in the long journey ahead of me.
We also talked about my sister (Katie Tate) and her acceptance of me lately. She was delighted to learn that Katie is on the forum and is willing to learn and has accepted me. She reminded me that Katie did not have to approve of my lifestyle but it is wonderful that she is now accepting. For she is the only person in the family who is willing to understand and, Latrecia said, it is "good she is doing that. It will help you."
Afterwards, I went over to the BCAR place and assisted them as it was pantry day for those who come in to get food. I was the receptionist today. I spoke to several people, some of whom have HIV positive, and assisted as I could. I am planning on doing more volunteering there in the future. I feel it is something I can do to help others and also to educate Abilene.
Perhaps it is a way I can make up for the past damage I have done through my ignorance and bigotry. Perhaps it will be my formula for success while being a girl in a boy's body.
Formula For Success
One plus one equals two
There is no argument here
The formula it is true
It this we need have no fear.
Practice, practice, practice we say
The instrument we play is Love
Practice, practice, practice all day
Flowing melody from above.
Life is a kind of math, too
As we strive to reach our best
It’s simple addition all the day through
Practice plus persistence equals success.
Old habits are hard to break they say
And they keep all our affairs in a mess
But if you desire to find the way
Practice plus persistence equals success.
Today, when I went to Unity to help do some work and also to attend the prayer group, I felt acceptance from Sheila. Up until now, I felt like she was a bit cynical but today she came around and we talked together and it was a good conversation. It was a good feeling for me. For she is one of those on the Unity board and she has not spoken to me since I first started going there.
So it has been another good day being "a girl in a boy's body." I'm also sensing the venture becomes more exciting every day as I go about the things I am doing.
I also am wanting now to do more volunteer work at the HIV place. In hopes I can help make a difference with the people here in town. I've been thinking strongly about it since I was there on Tuesday. And how the people I met made such an impression on me. Being a transgender, it is right for me to do something for the community in hopes I can lift their consciousness to a higher level and bring about more acceptance in town. It is becoming more important to me daily.
Perhaps it is my female nature that is surfacing more now. For my heart wants to reach out and touch and say: "Hey people, I CARE now. I know I didn't as Bob. But I do as Roberta. I truly and genuinely care about you and your living with AIDS. I want to help you."
Turning from my judgmental Baptist ego to the opposite gives me a good feeling inside. Now, instead of condemning them, I want to bless them. Give them a bit of encouragement and hope that not all people are against them. And not all reject them. But acceptance is in the air and I AM a part of that acceptance.
That, plus the word "beautiful," have been infiltrating my vocabulary greatly since I went 24/7.
ACCEPTANCE and BEAUTIFUL!
Two lovely and loving words. How about You? What do you think?
The fact that I AM a girl in a boy's body does not make me any less a human being. I AM a human being like any other on this forum. I have feelings. And when those feelings are attacked I can be just as angry as anyone else. And when someone in a position of "authority" (which is odd because the root word for that is "author" and I've yet to see very many authors among those who supposedly have authority.) then it angers me more. For those people sometimes think because they have the "authority" they can talk down to others. That they are better than someone else because they may be a judge, police, civil service worker or even a moderator of some sort in some fashion.
Position, I have found in my 59 + years, does not represent superiority. Usually the contrary is true. It is most often inferiority because of their "holier-than-thou" attitude.
If you talk to me on an equal level, you will almost ALWAYS find me willing to cooperate. But if you assume the authority of some parent, and threaten or demand or treat me in such a way it makes my feelings feel less than you, then I WILL REBEL. It is my nature from my childhood to now. I've tolerated all the BS from parents that I want in my life. I AM an adult. I AM not a child. I AM a mature woman in a mature male body. I deserve the same respect as any other person on this forum. I do not approve of cliques or favorites. Nor of "at the discretion" of someone who will allow one person and deny another.
To silence me does not make anyone right. It only keeps me from speaking my mind freely. And I've already said what I think of those who practice such tyrannical actions.
So how about being kinder to me and stop the harrassment and threats? Remember, you can catch more friends, I prefer not to catch flies, with honey than you can with vinegar.
I have suspended Roberta-Llyan due to her blatant domination, disregard, and disrespect for the Forum, its members, and our rules and guidelines. Further, I have received nothing but disrespect and rudeness from her, mostly via PM but occasionally in the open Forum, and not one word of apology.
Roberta has been repeatedly warned not to turn the Forum into an extension of her own personal blog, yet she continued to do so, albeit calling it by other topic names. In less than one month of her becoming a member, she has made ~555 posts; that is an average of 18.5 posts per day. That is not participation but outright domination of the Forum, and will not be tolerated.
Despite the relatively few 'positive' comments to her posts from the members, I have heard more negative comments via PM. I have advised her that the needs of the many by far outweigh the needs of one, and I will not risk losing members because of her.
Therefore, I have suspended Roberta-Llyan for a period of not less than one week.
Should anyone wish to discuss this matter with me, please do so via PM only.
Thank you.
- SL
SilverLady(SO) - Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!! - Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum - Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard