Jessie
Therapy is coming ....
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Jessie
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 9:44 pm
- Location: Eastern Washington
- Contact:
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Hi Jessie,
I hope this message finds you well. I too had and still do have, quite
infrequently now, those terrible anxiety attacks. I would feel my heart
pounding in my ears, my eyes went to tunnel vision, I would grind my
teeth at night.
I have been sleeping so much better for a long time now. I have had
tunnel vision only twice this year. I was so warped from the child abuse,
that I am literally learning how to communicate and understand others
better and not putting my disfunction on others. My anxieties originate
in my child abuse. I feared loss of my life, my brother, and sister and my
mother. I was an obedient child trying and working so hard to please my
parents, trying to earn their love. Of course I was never perfect but I was
not the evil child they made me out to be.
I found in my depths how my fear of losing my parents has affected
how I looked at all those around me. They both threatened to drop
me on the side of a road to get rid of me. When they would talk divorce,
almost every Christmas for years from the age of 8 through 13, they
talked openly of not knowing what to do with me as neither wanted me.
I honestly never had a feeling in my heart that being happy or having fun
was acceptable. I have needed from all those around me acceptance
and love. I would do almost anything to please anyone. Everyone that is
except myself.
The only happiness I have remembered from 20 years with my parents,
was when my mother took me shopping with her. It was the only times
she seemed happy to me. She took me shopping with her from a young
age up until 13 or so. I sat in the nail and hair salons and visited with
these woman and sales ladies. I idealized woman. I was and am a very
sensitive person. I liked these woman very much. They gave me a feeling
of okness. I was able to feel a little self worth.
I played with mother's clothes, I remember from age 5. Even without
the abuse, I very well may have been a crossdresser anyway. The good
feelings I derived from shopping with mother definitely reinforced this
behavior. I dress now and have no guilt because this is me. It fills a
deep need in me no different from those who must go fishing or say those
who religiously follow baseball all season.
All of you here have played such a big part in me becoming whole.
Your all very special! I can never begin to repay all the time and love and
caring that has gone into all the messages written to me.
Jessie I do so hope that you are finding who you really are and be able to
love yourself for the person you are. No matter how you got to where you
are, you can and will be ok. I can tell, you have strength to persevere.
I pray too that your mother will continue to love and support you through
the turns and paths you pursue.
Take Care,
Kersten
I hope this message finds you well. I too had and still do have, quite
infrequently now, those terrible anxiety attacks. I would feel my heart
pounding in my ears, my eyes went to tunnel vision, I would grind my
teeth at night.
I have been sleeping so much better for a long time now. I have had
tunnel vision only twice this year. I was so warped from the child abuse,
that I am literally learning how to communicate and understand others
better and not putting my disfunction on others. My anxieties originate
in my child abuse. I feared loss of my life, my brother, and sister and my
mother. I was an obedient child trying and working so hard to please my
parents, trying to earn their love. Of course I was never perfect but I was
not the evil child they made me out to be.
I found in my depths how my fear of losing my parents has affected
how I looked at all those around me. They both threatened to drop
me on the side of a road to get rid of me. When they would talk divorce,
almost every Christmas for years from the age of 8 through 13, they
talked openly of not knowing what to do with me as neither wanted me.
I honestly never had a feeling in my heart that being happy or having fun
was acceptable. I have needed from all those around me acceptance
and love. I would do almost anything to please anyone. Everyone that is
except myself.
The only happiness I have remembered from 20 years with my parents,
was when my mother took me shopping with her. It was the only times
she seemed happy to me. She took me shopping with her from a young
age up until 13 or so. I sat in the nail and hair salons and visited with
these woman and sales ladies. I idealized woman. I was and am a very
sensitive person. I liked these woman very much. They gave me a feeling
of okness. I was able to feel a little self worth.
I played with mother's clothes, I remember from age 5. Even without
the abuse, I very well may have been a crossdresser anyway. The good
feelings I derived from shopping with mother definitely reinforced this
behavior. I dress now and have no guilt because this is me. It fills a
deep need in me no different from those who must go fishing or say those
who religiously follow baseball all season.
All of you here have played such a big part in me becoming whole.
Your all very special! I can never begin to repay all the time and love and
caring that has gone into all the messages written to me.
Jessie I do so hope that you are finding who you really are and be able to
love yourself for the person you are. No matter how you got to where you
are, you can and will be ok. I can tell, you have strength to persevere.
I pray too that your mother will continue to love and support you through
the turns and paths you pursue.
Take Care,
Kersten
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Jessie
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 9:44 pm
- Location: Eastern Washington
- Contact:
Well I just wanted to say that I will be seeing my theropist this friday after not seeing him for nearly 3 weeks (he went on VK). Many things happened including several boughts exhity overload. One that made my heart running a thousands beats a minute (exateration). But I look forward to seeing him again. Especial now that I have reached my deducable the insurance will pay 40/60 or 60/40 I pay the smaller amount untill I reach 20 sessions in which cases they will no longer pay tell next year. Any way I am looking forward to seeing him again. It is really nice to have a good theropist especialy one who I like ask questions and interacts with me.
Jessie
Jessie