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I am not sure I can get these feelings out ok,or if anyone can understand them,but I need to try.

The more I accept and like my true self ,the more I feel like I am running around in circles bouncing off of walls.Most of the time I just want to hide from everyone.I just cant seem to settle my thoughts and its driving me nuts.I thought at this point of acceptance I would be able to open up more to people but the opposite seems to be happening.Maybe it is just an adjustment period,at least I hope so.

Hi Jennifer,

Still confused huh? Well I guess we all are to varying degrees. I go back to the mirror! When you look in the mirror at Jennifer, who do you see? I doubt seriously that you see "other people!" You see Jennifer, right!? Then you have to ask yourself, what are you willing to do for her? I doubt that most in any of us go running out screaming to the world. "look at me, look at me!" Some of us share "our gift" with those that we feel (hope) will accept us for who we are and you know as well as I that sometimes that works and some times it don't, but we carry on.

Some of us, Virginia included, tend toward the "need to know" choice! If asked, no I am not ashamed of who I am and I will simply say, "Yes, I am transgendered!" and depending on the situation I may or may not add "do you have a problem with that!?" Otherwise it is none of their business. I had a little girl ask me once "are you a lady?" my answer was " what do you think?" She just smiled and said, "I think you are a pretty lady!" Most adults will not approach you like that, they mostly live in their own world with their own problems and generally they don't want to know (that you are transgendered - or anything else for that matter!)

Jennifer, if your concerns go beyond dressing and going out to the point that you are questioning you sexuality and are you really male or female and that you want Jennifer to be Jennifer 24/7, well its time to seek professional guidance possibly toward transisitioning! BUT you and only you can make that decision! If your confusion rests in your desire to simply dress once in a while well I don't know how much help any of us can be with that. You know that "it" never goes away, but some of us learn to suppress it until we reach room temperature.

Just don't fight it, hon, take a deep breath, step back, then perhaps write down your feelings and what you want to do and no do or feel.

Most of us feel "the gift" is a wondrous thing for us and some can share it and others just bask in its warmth by themselves, so you are not alone in whatever path you take!

Keep sharing with us, hon, Believe it or not you are probably helping some of your sisters here as well!

Love ya,

Virginia

Well Jennifer, it could be because you want to be open to every one, but can't find the right key to the closet to let that happen.

That key is confidence.

Thank You Donna and Virginia,

First I know that transitioning is not for me.I love my male self too much for that.I believe where the emotions come from are the fact for the first time in my life I love my femme side also.Having both and finally liking myself as is is amazing but very confusing.There is an overabundance of emotions going thru my head almost always.

I need to figure out how to calm these emotions down a bit as they are making me a bit nuttier than I normally am.Posting about it helps,and I am glad you are all here for that.Strangely it has brought about feelings of running away from myself,possibly denying both sides .I know that doesnt make sense and that will keep me from purging or becoming a hermit.Although we havent had a good hermit here in the Adirondacks for some time.

As far as sexual orientation goes i only like women.Its getting them to like me that is the problem

I think I may just need time to adjust to finally liking my whole self.

Hi Jennifer-
That's a puzzling scenario you lay out here.

Donna wrote:

Well Jennifer, it could be because you want to be open to every one, but can't find the right key to the closet to let that happen.

That seems at least plausible, but still...acceptance of your other 'self' should not be leading to more confusion and wanting to shut both sides down.

If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. There may be emotions associated with the "girl" side that are new or scary, but I think you'd recognize those, and where they're coming from. Hope you can get a handle on all of this!

Just call me Jigsaw.I always knew I was difficult.Thanks for the concern.I will eventually get a handle on all these new emotions.

Hi, Jigsaw.

Better than calling you "Chainsaw" I guess. rr

I didnt intend to keep posting on this subject,but it is helping me to figure it all out.I hope no one minds.

Over the last few years I kept telling myself that I had accepted all of this.I guess i was fooling myself because I have never felt this good about myself until just recently.I cant say exactly what happened,but something did.Underneath all of the confusion(for lack of a better word)I am glad it has.

Now I am wondering if I should be worried about my reaction to these new feelings.From the replys,I get the feeling that this is not the regular reaction most people have.It almost feels like someone has taken away my old life and replaced it with someone elses.Maybe that isnt too far from what has happened.It really is difficult to sort out.Maybe I shouldnt be trying to.

Jennifer I am not sure I even understand what you are saying about how you feel except that you are confused.

It does seem that you are saying you are accepting more of a different side of yourself. True acceptance is a very powerful and positive thing and although it usually leads to a sense of peace this can take a while. In the meantime it can open the door to yet more thoughts and feelings. Coming to know and accept ourselves and experiencing who we really are can be a far wilder ride than any roller coaster you've ever riden. So maybe that is where you are at. There is also the possiblity that all the energy once spent on repressing parts of yourself now has a new freedom and is looking for something else to do.

When you say you are bouncing off the walls or similar things maybe you could go into more detail. Bouncing with joy, with despair, with confusion, with mood swings, all of the above, none of the above?

I think your thread is a very interesting one that is probably very relevant to many of us here. I hope you will continue it and include us in your voyage of discovery.

As a friend of mine used to say about becoming who we are meant to be:
First it gets real, then it gets strange, then it gets real strange........

Absaroka

Absaroka wrote:

When you say you are bouncing off the walls or similar things maybe you could go into more detail. Bouncing with joy, with despair, with confusion, with mood swings, all of the above, none of the above?

Absaroka went right to the heart of the matter. Yes, can you telll us more about that?

Its difficult for me to put these feelings into words.It seems to me I have been experiencing all of those emotions and they are constantly changing.It is a flood of emotions,mostly positive that I am not sure how to deal with.I think the reason for wanting to shut down is to get a break from them.It has been difficult to sleep as my mind doesnt,or cant shut down while trying to process all of this.Slowly I feel things calming down as I adjust and express my feelings here.

I think Absaroka is right about true acceptance,and how wild a ride it can be.As I read that I said to myself ,thats it!I had spent a lot of energy repressing and lying to myself.I guess it needs a new outlet.
Also,I keep trying to pinpoint how I got here.What did I do,what didnt I do.I think I need to try and stop that and just enjoy the fact that I am here.I dont think I could have come as far as I have without all of you.You all truly care and that in itself is very amazing to me.

I imagine that there will always be a tough time or two to deal with.I feel like a whole new person,better to myself and hopefully to others.I am tired and confused and amazed all at the same time.

Jennifier-I guess acceptance is the first big step for us girls. I have finally come to terms with my desires to look and act feminine. I feel so much better about myself now- it's wonderful to be able to chat with other girls about it.

Jennifer, I have been following your posts with very much interest, but couldn't think of how I wanted to respond. I think that most of us have tried to cover up who we are with many layers of self imposed restrictions. Once we decide to really be ourselves we have all these layers to get rid of. As we remove these layers we start to get glimpses of the beutiful person underneath.

My thought today as I was reading was of a flower that has had a little too much dirt put over it. After much struggle it finially gets through the dirt to finially see the sunlight and then really starts to change. We see the plant grow, change and start to bud. We know that those buds will become beautiful blossoms, but it takes time. We can take the time to enjoy the plant as it grows and changes as well as the buds and blossoms when they appear, but too often rather than enjoy the plant at the moment we get in a hurry for the blossoms.

Rember that the flower hasn't had it easy. There have probably times when it got too dry or too wet, too much sun or maybe dayes when it wanted more sun. The stress it survived made it a stronger plant and the stress you have survived makes you a stronger person if you let it.

I streched my febble brain to get this out so will stop before I damage it.

Good growing and enjoy the trip.
with love
Leeza

Jennifer

Adjustment and reconciliation are two words that come to mind that may partly explain the range of emotions you're feeling. As long as they remain mostly positive, that's the important thing. Try not to let them distract you too much if you can help it. Embracing that femme self and striking that balance is no easy task, but it sounds like you're getting there.

Stephanie

Leeza,
I really liked your take on all of this,thank you and eveyone for your replies and support.