Crossdressers-Haven.com

I finally told my wife of my crossdressing desires back in September. I did so because I love her and want her to know this aspect of me, in hopes that honesty on the subject would enhance our relationship and allow me more freedom to be myself. Unfortunately, she has not been supportive at all. In fact, after having several discussions with her about it, I get the impression that to continue to bring up the topic will not enhance our relationship but only make it worse. She has, however, let me go to a couple Renaissance meetings just to check things out, and has let me go to a local TG party, Angela's Laptop Lounge, once.

After my latest trip to the party, she was very sad. But I don't know if she is sad because she does not like me going out dressed in public or because I stay over at a motel and she is home alone all night without me. She has a fear of being home alone at night, this I know for a fact. Of course, I did offer her the opportunity to come with me, to which she declined.

This Saturday there is an TG event I hope to attend. My wife will be away with her best friend for the weekend, so there is no concern for her being left alone.

My question is this: should I attend this event without letting her know? I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time I need my time to be Laura and be amongst those who have the same feelings I do.

Any advice, positive or negative, would be welcomed.

I'd suggest remaining honest with her, and telling her about the event.

Apparently your wife has declined to go with you to an event, but it may be a good idea to always ask her if she'd like to go.

My wife was none to happy with my going out, but once she went with me and finally met a few of the ladies, she loosened up.

Some

She won't go with me anymore, but trusts me now (I think).

But she will go with me to the hotel even if she won't go to the event.

I agree with Donna, I would tell her. What if something happens and she finds out from a third party for whatever reason. Her just finding out only a few months ago and as you describe her response so far, she is still trying to deal with it. One positive, she did not throw her hands in the air and go screaming into the night! That is a good thing. There are several different approaches you can use to talk with her, but since you know her much better than any of us you need to decide when and how to broach the subject with her. If you have not told her some things, like you are not a freak or a weird-o, that more and more scientific evidence is concluding that we are born with this "gift" (my word for it). That you would like to hear what if any boundaries that she would feel comfortable in setting relative to Laura being "a part of the family."

If you have not figured it out, I will be blunt, Laura, it ain't gonna go away!
You can try and work it out with your wife and if she is adamant and you allow her to, for lack of a better term, slay Laura, you will probably spend a very miserable life. Communication and if necessary, family counselling, but a counselor familiar with "us."

Keep us posted and share with us.

Love,

Virginia

And, if you haven't discussed it yet, ask her to join the forum so she'll have someone to talk to, like the other SOs on here.

I would suggest you do not hide if from her. And the first thing I see from your post is SLOW DOWN. She only found out in September and you have already done a lot of things since then that are very, Very, VERY new to her. You need to keep the communication open with her on this subject and what you are doing. IMHO hiding will only make it worse in the long run.

You need to find out what your wife is comfortable with and let her know it is ok to voice what she is comfortable with. And NOTE: her comfort level may take big swings. You need to work with your wife at her pace. It is very hard to slow down and may even be painfully slow. But if you can get your wife to voice her comfort level and you and keep some type of open communication on the subject you should be able to work out some arrangement for you to CD more.

Remember you have had a life time dealing with this. She has had only a few months. Allow her the time to wrap her head around it some also. And expect some ups and downs with her dealing with it. I bet you had your ups and downs also.

kim
joe in a skirt

I have taken your advice and told her of my desire to attend this event. There was a lot of crying (on both our parts), but I think we forged a little bit ahead.

KimberlyS, thank you for putting my struggle in perspective for me. You are right, I have been dealing with this for a lifetime, and she has only for a few months. I definitely do need to remember that this is going to be a long, long process.

After I expressed my emotions about Laura, she said that I should go to the event. Her main concern is Laura winding up on TV or something like that (discretion is very important to my wife). I assured her that discretion is very important to me as well, I just need some time to meet others who have this "gift" as well.

She said she may be open to joining the forum as an SO, but not right now.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice.

Good to hear you talked, and are working on understanding each other.

As one of our motto's here says, "baby steps, just baby steps!"

Also glad that she even considered our forum, just don't push the forum or Laura on her and let her know that you are and will always be discrete. Keep the communications open.

Virginia

LauraK

Just a quick thought - for many of us SOs, your time as your femme self feels like you are cheating with someone that I know about - an open relationship sort of thing. We know you aren't, we know that you are sitting in that motel by yourself watching the tube, but it still *feels* like cheating. We also know that feeling this way isn't particularly logical, and some of us (me...) feel stupid for feeling that way. Yet, that IS what it feels like and I can only talk myself out of feeling sad about it so often.

So... approach the issue understanding that this may be what your lady is feeling. I won't swear to it (since I don't know her), but I do know that many of us feel that way, way down deep. It's not at all a matter of trust - it's more about having to share you with someone else. Despite the fact that we KNOW that someone else is part of you... It *feels* like being dumped for a pair of high heels...

Nobody ever said that feelings had to be logical...

just thought I'd share...
-georgia(so)

Thanks Georgia for that view. I have heard similar from my wife.

kim
joe in a skirt

Way to go Georgia!!! Now you have screwed up my relationship with Virginia. This is going to take some time to straighten out. Who ever said GG's were logical anyway, of a higher intelligence and lifeform but logical?

Now I am going to have to listen to Virginia question me about where I go and what I do - but I guess I could turn the tables on her, naw, she is too smart for that.

Ride that roller coaster girl!!!!

Love,

Virginia

Virginia wrote:Way to go Georgia!!!

Ditto . . . Georgia, you always know what to say and you do it so well, I envy you!

Virginia wrote:Now I am going to have to listen to Virginia question me about where I go and what I do - but I guess I could turn the tables on her, naw, she is too smart for that.

. . . and so is your other Leading Lady, and don't you ever forget it!



- SL

Now I understand the riposte between you two at LBR. You see, I do post

Tasi

I went the therapy route. My wife is still not fully supportive, but I now have my panties in the dresser. It's a process.

Hi Laurak:

I am somewhat reluctant to try and tell someone else what to do. So, this will be more of an, observation entry.

People in general that co-exist in a mutal relationship more than anything, bond on the theme of "trust." First and foremost, I trust you! If that is not true from the get-go, then you are in the wrong place.

That said, I think that when loved ones are told about our little 2nd self image, well, the first question is, "can I trust you." Can I continue trusting you when you just made known to me something that exceeds anything that I might have ever thought about?

The issue is really rather simple isn't it. Is your partner prepard to go the distance with you? Are you prepared to adapt to the primary needs of your loving partner? Are both of you still in the same relationship now, immediately after you brought up the subject of 2nd self? Have things changed in such a way that they will never be the same?

I know, from experience, these questions are the tough ones. If either partner fails to acknowledge their true feelings on the subject, then there is going to be a change in the "trust" factor. I went through this the past 10 of 40 married years.

The first 5 years( 30th-35th) my spouse failed to talk to me about her changing feelings for me. The next 5 years (36th - 40th), after my "coming out," we again failed in our partnership to discuss the facts. I tried but was simply shut out by a spouse that could not talk to me about anything personal for 40 years. Some personalities simply are not adapted to sharing internal feelings even with their closest friend, their spouse!

Humans are a very complicated species. There are many details that are DNA based. 46-49 chromosones and poof, instant human. But each, like a snowflake with no two exactly alike; even twins have some variations. No one, is exactly the same. No one! Ever! Yet, we share a common bond of humanness on a global scale!

So, think about your partner. What are her needs? What can you do to provide for her? When you see that as an answer, everything else will work. You will find that she is perhaps willing to consider your kindness as a measure of your willingness to compromise. To put her first. When you marry, you promise to "have and to hold, in sickness and in health."

These vows are of a major significance and must mean more than words if you are to find common ground. People are too quick to say, "it is all about me. It is all about what I want." Those are the words of someone that is heading to the lawyers.

Share and care from your heart! I am sure it was that way in the beginning! This can just be a slight detour that the two of you together can navigate and come out better for it! But, it cannot be something that you insist on to start. Education is the best solution. People can learn to adapt if given the time and information that leads to a better understanding. You too will have to decide over time, just how far this is going to go for the two of you. When is enough, enough!

We tend to evolve as we get more freedom to express outselves and that at times can be a worry for your partner. Listen to her! She will then listen to you. Show concern for her concerns and you will be given the same measure of respect perhaps. If this does not work, then consider that there are undisclosed issues that need to be discovered and brought to the surface with the help of professional counseling as an alternative to just crashing. People today it seems, throw the spouse out with the bath water! Time to get back to basics and find the true meaning of marriage! My spouse never understood that I would "take a bullet for her." Too bad .. so sad!

One life .... 100 years and your gone!!! Listen to my heart! Your sister wishes you well!

Hugs

Danielle Marie