bad confrontation

[WendyC]

Ive been married to a girl for 14years now and told her about my cding a year ago . First couple of weeks were rocky but since then refuses to see me dressed which i respect especially after 14 years of hiding the truth. she told me that she would accept that i dress but wants nothing to do with that part of my life. At the same time she says she still loves me and supports my decison to join a local TG spport group in the area. She saids that she will not attend ever. Recently i tried to share some information on cding both written and by video in the attempts to help her understand alittle more about it. This went over very bad with a big blow up and confrontation. She told me that she didnt like that at all and that i dont fully respect her. This was not my intention at all. I thought it would at least help her to some degree understand things but i was way wrong. Well after a half hour of unpleasentness and a period of silence we settled down and told each other we loved each other. besides regretting what i tried to , she had also said she was embarrassed by me. This hurt alot. Before we made up she said " I could of packed my stuff and left with our son " or I could of given you choice or threw all your things out but i didnt did I" I would appreicate any insight or thoughts on the situation--Wendy

[KimberlyS]

Well first back off. It seem like your wife is not ready to talk about it so I would respect that. So do as she says, pack your femme things and get them out of her sight. Your wifes acceptance may be of the don't ask, don't tell type. And that may be all she can handle.

Something I did with my wife that may help with yours. I began slowly and casually part of the conversation, pointing out some of my feminine characteristics and traits that I had and had always had. Just be careful as my wife about went through the roof on some of them. But overall in the end it work out for me. Interestingly the first time I did it I was not trying to do it. It was my wife that caught it first and was I getting an ugly look. Took me a bit to figure out why she was suddenly mad at me.

I hope it goes well with your wife. But you may also already have all of the acceptance you are going to get.

kim
joe in a skirt

[Erin L]

Kimberly, I have started doing that with my wife as well. I don't think I'll ever get to the point of actually telling her, but I want to see if the door ever opens for it.

Wendy, I know you felt like you had a chance to share some information that might make it easier for your wife to understand, but from her perspective, you were pushing it on her. It sounds like she's already accepted the initial shock, which is very positive. It also sounds like she really does love you. So, just be your soft, sweet self and let her make the next move.

Best of luck!

Erin

[Jan W]

Dear Wendy,

It would be lovely if all SO's accepted this side of us. Some tolerate, some become actively involved and of course some despise it.

My situation is SO knows but does not want to be involved or in fact know too much.

I have met many wives now at our TG support group and I do not think any one of them truly wanted to be there. They looked uncomfortable and as you said embarrassed.

I would imagine if I was to take a good friend (male) to a meeting he would be the same.

Straight people cannot understand why we do what we do. For that matter we hardly know why we do what we do.

I have been to lots of gay venues and other alternate venues in my socialising as Jan. Jan is my mask, my disguise if you will. I fit in as just another sexual minority and as such feel safe and comfortable.

Would I feel this way if I was there in my straight male persona? Don't know for sure but I am guessing maybe not.

I can and do empathise with my SO and others when put in this situation.

If I was a man's wife who wanted to do what we do I woulf probably feel the same way.

Give her time and space. Go about your TG business quietly and discretely. If she eases up on the subject let her approach you.

Good luck.


Jan

[Elizabeth]

Wendy,

If she knows and has asked you not to do it in front of her or talk about it around her, I think you should respect that, unless it's a deal breaker for you. In other words, unless you need acceptance to stay with her, I suggest you just back off. If she wants information from you, she will ask you.

But if you are ok with her knowing and not approving but also it's not a deal breaker for her or you, I would leave things as they are. Be glad you are no longer keeping a secret and give her time. And by time I don't mean a few weeks. I mean it may be years for her to become ok with this. She may be waiting to see if it's going to escalate. She may be waiting to see if you are gay.

There may be a whole host of issues that she is just not prepared to deal with right now. For many women these things take time. Time to prove you are still the same person. So unless you need her acceptance to stay with her, I suggest you just keep it private for now.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Absaroka]

Let her go her own pace, which in this case is very very slow. Respect her wishes.

If you wait long enough without saying or doing anything ( probably years at least0 maybe she will ask you about it.

absaroka

[JoAnnDallas]

It took my wife almost 2 years before she accepted me as a CDer. Like your wife, my wife did not want to see me dressed but did allow me to join Tri-Ess and go to their meetings dressed. As long as I did not get dressed in her present.
When she did accept me, it was after seeing me fully dressed by accident. My wife had this precoinced notion that ALL CDers dressed, acted, and looked like DRAQ QUEENS and if seen with me would be embarsing to her. What she saw was a middle aged woman dressed as a middle aged woman.
Right now your wife has her own thoughts as to how you looked dressed, and etc. She is also hurt that you kept this from her for 13 years. It takes time and patiences. I would back off and in a while gentle approach the subject again or learn to live within the bounds you two have now.

[DonnaT]

Whats that road that is paved with good intentions?

I agree with the others. Especially Elizabeth. Your wife has made it abundantly clear she wants no part of it.

None of us know your wife, or how she may react in a year or two.

Some of us have wives that started out like your wife, and gradually came to accept more over time. However, some have wives that never have come around. Everyone is different.

Some of us have managed to hold on to our sanity by restricting our dressing according to our wives' needs. And some have had to be more pushy, even if it came to divorce.

You know your wife and whether her veiled threats are real or not. You know yourself and whether or not you can continue as you have been.

I called my wife out on her veiled threats a few years ago, and she rethought the situation. We've been married 33+ yrs. But just because it worked out for us, doesn't mean it would work out for y'all.

It's good to hear that you both continued to tell each other you loved them after the venting. And that important to keep doing.

In time, hopefully she'll come around to wanting to learn more, and hopefully you can manage as you have been while giving her the time.

[WendyC]

I appreciate all the thoughts that you all have conveyed. I definitely will be not mentioning it and as many of you have noted--letting her make the next move if any move is to be made. My best intentions really blew up in my face and i have learned my lesson. thanks to all of you again--wendy