Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi Ladies,

I promised to provide more details of my experiences at the Keystone Conference two weeks ago, so here goes . . .

First, a little background. For those of you who don't know me, I'm married with two young children. My wife is supportive. I told her early on (after our third date) that I was a CD, and she attended TG support group meetings with me for a couple of years until the children were born. Other than TG support group functions, we haven't gone out together while I am "en femme", but she recognizes that I need time now and then to go out with T-friends, and we shop together for clothing (for both of us) while I am in drab. I count my blessings every day that I have such a wonderful wife.

Still, our family responsibilities tend to come first, and with two children I have had less time to dress up than I would like. I have missed several monthly meetings of my support group during the past year. Also, I recently changed jobs, and I am still learning how to do the work. I also have very little vacation leave, so I haven't had much time off.

I tend not to "underdress" because I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal. Also, I work out at the gym at lunch, and the locker room is small and crowded, so it would be hard to hide feminine undergarments.

I've been feeling bad about hiding away a part of me. It seems wrong to spend 99% of the time as my male self and only 1% or less presenting as my female self. So I was excited about the opportunity to spend a long weekend en femme at the conference.

I drove there en femme, stopped for lunch on the way, had my nails done at a salon, had a makeover, attended the conference, and drove back en femme too. I even chatted with GG's at the nail salon. I am usually quite shy when I am out in public "en femme", but I was feeling more relaxed and just went with the flow.

After the weekend, the stress and pressure that had been building up was gone. When I went to work the next day, a female coworker commented on how relaxed I was. I didn't tell her why (I am not out to my coworkers) ,I just said I had a nice weekend with friends out of town.

Even now 10 days later I feel quite relaxed.

Which leads me to my point, that just expressing my femme side for a couple of hours may not be enough. Spending 48 hours or so made a big difference, at least in my case. I hope to be able to do this again (attend a conference or have a weekend away).

The other thing I was thinking about is that its not just about the clothing and how you present yourself on the outside. Its also about the person inside. I did alot of thinking about myself and realized that at times I was acting badly towards others due to the stress (of not being able to dress). So I am going to try and work on some of these things.

One other thing that has come to mind is whether to come out to some of my closest friends. Only one of them knows. I try to be an honest person, and I hate lying to friends when they ask what I did over the weekend. I told one of them that I attended a conference for "personal growth", which is not exactly a lie. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'm ready to let the secret out, as they would probably end up telling people eventually.

I feel that it is hard to deny a part of yourself and not share it with friends, even though I don't foresee them wanting to be involved in this part of my life.

I know that's alot to think about. Hopefully some of you will be able to share your own thoughts on the subject.

Sharon

Hi SharonRose,

Nice to see you and to hear you had such a great time. I always love to hear uplifting stories about being out "en femme". Hearing those stories made me realize that I could do it too. I went from wishing I was dressing and going out, to doing it.

As far as coming out? One has to assume that telling anyone is like telling everyone. Because they will tell someone they trust, who will tell someone they trust and so forth and so on until it's gets far enough removed that the people with the knowledge don't even know you personally. So everyone ends up knowing without you knowing that everyone knows. And that can make you the brunt of ridicule.

So unless you are ready to come out to everyone, I would not recommend coming out to anyone. But I do think you should find more time for Sharon "to be". This is not a dress rehearsal. You don't get to do it again. You have to make time for the things in life that you enjoy, because in the end, it's never what we do, that we regret, but what we didn't do.

Hope that helps,

Love always,
Elizabeth

In the past, and still sometimes in the present, I sometimes feel that I must pretend to be someone I am not to the world in general. It has little to do with crossdressing, that for me is a private thing. The only person I regret not being more open about it with is my wife, but I suspect that she would not be terribly happy about it and the two people I have told have agreed with me on this.

However on to the other stuff. I have feelings, thoughts, and values that many people would not like, would not feel comfortable with. Even my ways of expressing myself are sometimes not what would be considered appropriate in many settings. And so I tend to mute myself into social acceptability. Sometimes it is for fear of rejection, sometimes it is out of consideration for others, often it is because of consideration of those closest to me. Like not offending my wife's friends when they are at our house.

At one time this used to really bother me. When I worked in other peoples offices at lunch there would be a parade of subjects that I would bite my tounge on. Perhaps because I have less contact with people now it is less of an issue. I can truly say that at one time I think I had a need to beat people over the head with who I am.

Be that as it may. I guess I am trying to say that I emphatize with your dislike for concealing yourself. At the same time this is the sort of subject that can have repercussions and may not be worth the agita that it would cause.

Absaroka

HI Sharon,

Glad you were able to get out and have a good time.

As you express it, "balance" is the key in most of our lives when dealing with our "gift." The amount of time demanded by our feminine mystique does vary from girl to girl. Some of us (moi) do not necessarily have to dress to have that aspect of us prevail for whatever time she may choose. I know in my case my other self almost has to make a reservation to be "seen," and that is all right as I have balance and it works for me.

I would encourage any of my sisters who are dealing with this finding "balance" in your life to concentrate on it. I can assure you of one thing, if you don't find it you are going to lead one miserable existence. So, seek it, study it, search for it and once you find it be prepared to alter it given situations as they may arise. The key is once you find it you know you can control it and then just go with the flow so to speak!

Good luck in your search and as always we are good listeners here!

Love you all,

Virginia

Sharon Rose,

I enjoyed your story and the nice way you wrote it.

I agree that to spend extended time en femme in a relaxed environment is an absolute joy.

As for telling. I do not think it is a good idea. Once the cat is out of the bag that is it. I do agree it is difficult dealing with what we feel is a lie to our friends - but truth be told a straight person has a lot of trouble dealing with this (us too) and probably is happier not knowing.

Hope you come to a solution you can be comfortable with.


Jan

Hello all: No question that CDing, is for me, something of a stress reliever and a "natural high."
If the sun is shining, the temperature is between is between 55 and 75 degrees F, the outfit, wig, and make-up look right, the feeling one gets just walking down the street can be quite fantastic!
(I'm a pedestrian-- I don't drive-- weather conditions are very important).
Since I do not have children or a spouse and my work situation is part time, finding the "time" to dress is generally not an issue. My constraints are the weather, other activities, and basically whether I'm up for the effort "dressing" requires to look as good as possible.
A lot of my friends do know about my CDing; part of that is due to my public appearances as the "hippie cheerleader." I've actually become a sort of iconic figure by turning up in full cheer drag at peace marches and other such events. As far as I know, I have not lost any friends over this, but there are some who are less comfortable with it than others. So I don't show them photos, and don't discuss CDing with them.
It is sometimes difficult to know/guess who will be accepting and who not. I hang out in progressive/alternative circles generally, but not even all of those folks are supportive. And some times plain, ordinary people just accept it as part of life and move on.
Because I've become sort of a public figure as "hippie cheerleader," my situation is different from that of many who post here. I don't have to deal with a spouse either. (Of course I'll never know the pleasures and pains of raising children, at my age becoming a parent is rather unlikely).
And I now have a short phrase that I'll generally tell the curious: "I like girls, but for some reason also like to dress as one."
Don't know if any of this was very helpful, but I've been busy coughing and sniffling, so am probably not as cogent as I might be.
Peace-- Kendra Lynn ("hippie cheerleader").

Thanks everyone for all the insightful comments and observations.

Sharon

I suppose I have a bit of a different perspective when it comes to my friends.

I'll preface this with the fact that 90% of my close friends are of an alternative-crowd accepting sort (this would be previously acknowledged LGBT++ awareness and acceptance, pagan, 'goth', or just generally open-minded). Sure I have a few handfuls of friends and general business acquaintances that aren't aware of my TG nature, or just don't need to know. I can tell you that I've gone to a few LGBT-friendly clubs where I've bumped into people I've known and not had an issue, and I've come out to quite a few of my friends again with little issue. They also KNOW how tricky this is and how, basically, its something that's not brought up in conversation unless I'm there DRESSED in front of them or around mutual friends. Private parties I've gone to dressed with a few people there that I've known and more that I haven't that weren't in my inner sanctum have seen me dressed and were like, 'eh.. so?'

Granted, I have a bit less fear of being 'outed' completely. I'm just not that overtly secretive (or publicly flamboyant) about it. I don't know immediately what I'd do if the world came shatting down upon me, but I wouldn't exactly run from it and hide... why should I? Just to go back to be less of me than I have been lately? *sigh*

After an event like that conference you've referred to, I'm quite sure I would be ecstatically happy and would probably hate having to go back to live in the doldrums just to work and deal with the rest of the 'real world' I have to live in. I would certainly be scheduling the next conference, vacation time, and whatever possible event to get out and about again soon!