The Slow Fade Picks Up Speed

[Kimberly Kael]

I promised I would come back and post more about my transition to living full-time as a woman - so I thought it was about time I started a thread specifically for that purpose. After I clear some of the backlog things may be slow for a while again before picking up speed, but as I narrow in on a date I'm sure I'll have much more to say about the process!

[Kimberly Kael]

Two weeks ago I talked to representatives from the Human Resources department at work for the first time. I'd written a message earlier to get the process started but as it's impossible to gauge a reaction to email so I was both eager and nervous about meeting with someone in person. As it turned out the discussion was practically a non-event. There were zero concerns, more than a few laughs, and virtually every question was driven by obvious curiosity. The actual administrative process involved is a day's work that requires a little notice and then things proceed more or less as before. It looks like that's the easy part.

The harder part is the people end of the equation. I was very pleasantly surprised to hear that they were happy leaving that in my hands. We've already had one high-profile transition at the company, and she chose to handle all of the message herself. I think that shows a level of comfort and confidence that can't be conveyed by a message from management or HR. So I'll be talking to some people in person, and drafting various versions of a message for the progressively larger circles of co-workers. I want it to have enough of my personal touch to feel honest and open but I agree with the majority sentiment I've seen that keeping my own feelings and story out of it is important. The purpose is convey what they need to hear, not what I have to say. Sticking to the facts of my transition with a date, a new gender, and a new name is really all that's required.

From here it's a matter of figuring out the exact timeline. Once the ball is rolling on a legal name change I am obligated to notify the right government agencies, and then the rest of my life necessarily follows: once the social security administration has a new name my employer needs to make sure subsequent filings match, likewise for financial institutions. So I'll be working backwards to try to make the dates line up but a lot of the processing times are going to be based on guesswork. So now it's up to me. On parting ways at the end of the meeting the ladies noted cheerfully that it would be "nice to have another senior woman at the company." Clearly a very HR-centric view of the world, but a warmly inclusive one nonetheless.

Most recently I sat down with my immediate manager and brought him up to speed on my plans. I didn't think it would be much of a surprise - after all I've been wearing more and more women's clothing, carrying a purse, wearing earrings, getting my facial hair removed. You'd think these would be pretty big clues, right? As it turns out he had no idea, but he also seemed to have no problem with it whatsoever. I had been told that a common reaction was for people to turn around and tell you personal stories about themselves or their families and that was certainly the pattern here. I felt very comfortable with the conversation and hope the rest are as easy as this one.

[Kimberly Kael]

It has been a few years since I've been to the city I grew up in. I've been able to catch up with some of my closer friends and family elsewhere, but I really wanted to return to the city many of them live in to connect with a larger group. This would be my first trip out of the country presenting as a woman so I was definitely a little on the nervous side. My first experience flying while presenting entirely feminine was easy enough but it was also just a domestic fight to Las Vegas. I'm not sure what you'd have to do to stand out going to Vegas but clearly I didn't come close as it was one of the easier times I've had traveling. I was curious how a trip out of the country to an historically conservative city would go in contrast.

I shouldn't have been worried because It couldn't have been easier. I've literally never had this little trouble traveling in my life! For decades now I've raised eyebrows and suspicions with my long hair and atypical mannerisms for a man. I've been pulled aside for questioning and special screening more times than I care to count. Now it seems I make sense to everyone and they're finally happy to simply let me go about my business and I didn't get the usual hard stares at immigration and probing questions at customs.

That was doubling surprising after I checked off one of the "I dare you to check this box" boxes on the customs form on my return to the US. As it happens, I was closing out an account I'd left open when I moved away from Canada more than a decade ago. It seemed handy to keep it but with my pending name change and the potential for some conflicting gender markers on my identification it seemed easier to close it for the time being. Again, I was startled at how accommodating and helpful the people were at my branch. Did they ask about me presenting as a woman when I showed up to re-open my dormant account? They did not. They simply took it in stride and treated me with dignity and respect. As did the car rental company, every patron and employee in every restaurant I ate in, and everyone else I met along the way.

It's hard to believe the same city was filled with stereotypical macho cowboys a mere week or two before my arrival. I always used to think they were letting go and being themselves for Stampede week. Now I'm beginning to think it's just an act for most of them and that more often than not there's a mature, civilized person under the redneck facade. What a welcome surprise. It may have only been a few days' visit and a narrow slice of the population but I left feeling optimistic about my ability to be myself wherever I go.

[KimberlyS]

I have actually found most real cowboy or redneck types fairly accepting of others. It is the want to be, or think they are cowboy and redneck types that are a pain and not accepting of others. But in general I think it comes down to have accepting a person is of who they are as a person. Especially males as it seems many guys do not seem to be comfortable with who they are as a person. Then out come the stereo types and they immediately think we are gay and they get defensive.

Why when going out I stick to public places with a mix of people and no place with alcohol.

[Virginia]

Hi Kimberly,

Thanks for sharing this with us. I know some of us envy you and your journey and others can learn, "how to do it!"

Quick story, we had a meeting in Calgary several years ago and one of our group insisted on picking up the tab on as many expenses as he could. Well no one complained as it was less paper work for us in filling out our expenses accounts. Then it hit me, --- ah ha, the exchange rate!!!! And I guess it worked as he actually made money when he turned in his expense account and the accountanting department let it ride!!!!

Anyway thanks again for sharing your journey with us and we look forward to more "reports."

Love,

Virginia

[Anita]

Thanks, Kimberly, for the posts. I'll be following your story with interest.

[Kimberly Kael]

My recent trip marked the first time any member of my family had met me presenting outside the comfortable confines of androgyny. It was also the first they'd hear about my intention to out myself at work, and the first time we'd talk about my pending legal name change. I suspect that's a lot of change for someone who has literally known me my entire life but my mother took it all in with a smile, and my brother didn't bat an eye. We just went out for lunch, paused briefly to do some shopping, took the dog for a walk, and stopped for introductions to the neighbors.

Where was the drama? I'd have been tempted to claim they were in denial but for the running stream of questions about the transgender community, how it impacted my wife, and everything else that came to mind. I just got lucky on my mother's side, I guess. It helps that I'm remarkably comfortable but I was still very, very pleasantly surprised. I still need to follow up with book recommendations and keep everyone informed about every little step of the process, but it's great to have so much of the family being truly supportive. My sister wasn't present but I've followed up with her since and her reaction was very much along the same lines - in fact we're set to go shopping together when she's in town in just a few weeks.

My father is a completely different story but that wasn't a front I was hoping to make much progress on. Seeing him for dinner was my sole compromise during the trip where I toned down my attire and left my breast forms tucked neatly away in the car for a visit steeped in denial. Oh well. There will be plenty of time to work on our relationship and I definitely want to keep things cordial in the meantime.

[Absaroka]

Kimberly thanks for posting. I'm glad it's going well and some of your insights and experiences are very interesting indeed.

I especially like the part about how presenting as female you no longer seem to "fit a description"


Absaroka

[Virginia]

I am both proud and happy for you. I know that it is a big burden lifted off in that most of your family is accepting, maybe not completely understanding, but accepting. I think that for any of our younger sisters, family may just see it as a "phase." As we get older however, they can't pass it off as a "phase" and have to make almost an "on the spot" decision as to how to react. Seems your family is a loving and accepting group but you have to know, the questions will come but at this juncture, you are on cruise control and that's great!

Love ya,

Virginia

[Kimberly Kael]

Thanks to everyone for the kind replies! I'm glad to hear there's interest in my unfolding experience and I love the corresponding anecdotes along the way. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me, but I know there will be some rude awakenings from time to time. There have to be! If it was this easy everyone would be doing it. Well, okay not everyone exactly - and admittedly it has been absolutely nerve wracking getting this far. The good news is that each successive conversation is less emotionally draining than the previous one.

I do think that part of what's difficult for me is switching back and forth between mindsets. Approaching someone in boy-mode and talking about my transition plans puts a whole set of emotions in play and it's a while before I can really settle into it and get comfortable. I notice that part way through those kinds of conversations I lose a lot of tension and feminine mannerisms I normally keep a lid on come out again. Then shifting back to boy-mode takes some effort (and is a little depressing, honestly.) That whole process is far more draining than just bringing up the subject and discussing it from a purely intellectual perspective, but the two are inextricably tied together for me.

[Kimberly Kael]

I especially like the part about how presenting as female you no longer seem to "fit a description"

Isn't that odd? I'm sure there could be other explanations as well, but it certainly fits how I feel. If I'm more relaxed then it doesn't look like I have something to hide and they don't get suspicious. I've found the same issues in other circumstances as well. I often "read" female at first glance even in boy-mode so men are constantly double-checking to make sure they're in the right washroom when I'm around, and recently I had someone tell me in a spa waiting room that I was in the wrong room. I had to reassure him that I really was in the right place (even though on the inside I knew I'm wasn't. Not yet.)

Sadly I can't claim to pass scrutiny the other way around, either. I just hope it will be an issue less often!

[Carolynn]

Hi Kimberly. Sounds like you are on your way to transitioning. Will you be or are you on hrt, and are you planning SRS?

I know that things seem to be going well for you at work and most of the family, and I hope that situation continues for you. However, it has been my experience that there will be some people who are going to be judgemental and take issue with what you are doing, and some friends that will say they have no problem, but will gradually distance themselves from you. So I am going to offer this from Kate Grimaldi, who posted it to the Beginning Life Forum some years ago. Not all these should you face, but if you do, reflect on the wisdom of the words that address the issue. She is speaking from experience. I found it useful several times. Perhaps Denise can glean something from this as well.

The “Dirty Dozen” Secret Teachings

1. This is not your fault. Don’t ask for permission or go seeking anyone’s blessing. This is not a moral failure. It’s probably biological, in the womb female brain wiring, but certainly no scientific expert knows why, nor do we, so how would they?

2. God is not against you. They are. Using God’s name (in vain?) is merely a way to sidestep the issue. Don’t fall for that one - - *they* are tolerant, but God is not? Hmm.

3. This is not happening to them; it’s happening to you. Don’t be convinced others come first. That thinking is what got you so deeply into this mess. Time to think, maybe for the first time ever, about yourself. Remember, time is running out.

4. Therapy, exorcisms, and wonder drugs will not “cure” you - - nor will getting a girl friend, getting married, or siring children, that’s just going along with the program and digging in deeper.

5. This is not about having sex. If you have felt this way since childhood, it almost certainly has nothing to do with having sex. Growing up alone with this, yet having it always present, sex may have turned out to be one of the very few private times you could express it - - either in private fantasies or in the special intimacy of sexual bonding.

6. People will hide their real emotions from you. In the tempest of accusations by others, people who seem steady and keep their cool might come across as supportive. This could merely be polite indifference when actually they don’t give a damn about you. Remember what someone says to your face may not always be what is said about you over by the water cooler. Once the surprise and shock has worn off, attitudes and prejudices can harden in polite silences.

7. You will be asked to give up virtually everything. The life you knew will be forever changed without hope of recovery. Be ready to profoundly grieve. Be ready for undreamed of joy. You will get both in spades.

8. There will be a set of future disappointments. No one’s life can be made blissful based on one, albeit dramatic, set of events.

9. You will have to learn virtually everything without teachers. Most of the day-to-day advice will be just plain bad. This is where transitions undergo their greatest peril, so have a contingency for at least one, if not more, restarts.

10. You will have to learn femininity as rote as tying your shoes or riding a bike. Let the back of your brain take over. It might even seem eerie and alien at first, because for the first time we will actually be ourselves and not some bullshit image we built to hide behind, but giving up the security blanket of false images will be the first step.

11. Be ready for the shock. A woman’s life and choices are more limited than we ever thought, no matter how much we imagine we are prepared. We are entering the world of women. We are not out to retool the world or straighten other women out on what their lot in life is. They are the ones who will show us “how its done,” not the other way around.

12. Be ruthless. The world is a very tough place. A halfhearted attempt will almost always backfire. “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” There are no compromises. Go for what you are. Your immortal soul is not up for negotiation. If you won’t sell it to the devil, why sell your soul to anyone mortal?

© Kate Grimaldi, 2003, all rights reserved.

[Absaroka]

Kimberly, Max Wolf wrote of becoming male and realizing that now other people were afraid of him at times. Other MTF have reported the same thing, in particularly in regard to how they must now relate to unfamiliar children in a different way. You're about to exchange that for it's reverse, an awareness of the place of women in our society.

When I was younger I fit a description fairly often. I would get stopped while driving or even just walking for the suspicious activity of being a young male. (well we do committ far more than our fair share of crimes) This happens far more often to young Black men and even older Black men as witness the current invitation to the White house. After I had children it stopped at least when the kids were with me. Middle aged white men with children do not fit a description. When the kids got older I began to once more fit a description but far less often because of my age.

On the other hand you now fit a description of a prototypical shoplifter-middle aged white female. Sorry if I'm mistaken about the age thing.

Absaroka

[Kimberly Kael]

(Yes, this was always planned as the fourth in a series about a trip to see family and friends. It's now about two weeks late but the experiences haven't faded in the least.)

I thought it would be best if I wrote the friends I'd see on this trip ahead of time to bring them up to speed. My previous experience has been that people don't really have many questions immediately, but sometimes after a few days they start to get curious. Since it was going to be a quick trip I was hoping they could do some pondering or even ask questions before I arrived. I also wanted to give those with children some idea of what to expect so they could decide how they wanted to approach the subject around their kids. I'm really proud of my choice of friends. Not only did every person I was able to contact make time to show up, they stayed far longer than planned, and every single parent said something similar to the effect of: "Life is diverse, you are our friend, and we're proud of it. We're more than happy to give our children the opportunity to get to know you." That sentiment is as touching as anything anyone has ever said to me and still brings tears to my eyes.

When I finally did get together with people in groups large and small it was remarkably easy to relax and just be myself. None of them had seen me en femme before (barring a Halloween party almost twenty years earlier) and it just didn't seem like a big deal. In smaller groups people were more inclined to dive into personal questions or gender politics, but most of the time was spent on completely unrelated stories and activities. It felt exactly like hanging out with a group of friends ought to and I was pleasantly surprised at how many of them made a point of using the name I'll be adopting toward the end of the year.

Of course something never goes according to plan and in this case it was the idea that I'd carefully control who I was going to see during the trip so I could test the waters in advance. An incidental comment about the trip on Facebook led to a few last-minute additions to one gathering, and despite feeling some initial anxiety on my part about how that might work out there was little more than a raised eyebrow. A trip to a familiar shopping district brought me within a block of a bookstore that an ex-girlfriend of mine used to work in, and though we hadn't been in touch lately I decided to take the gamble and see if she was working. Sure enough she was not only there she was happy to see me, share a hug, catch up on life, and exchange current contact information. She didn't even seem particularly surprised, which was a bit of a theme during the trip. More than one person told me that though they never would have guessed I was transgendered in hindsight they thought it made perfect sense.

Hanging out around kids was fascinating. Most of them were young enough that I had either never met them or they wouldn't have remembered me. They seemed to readily accept me and when pronouns were called for they happily settled on "she" as appropriate. I did get one inquiry as to whether I was a girl or a boy, but he seemed completely satisfied by my unambiguous answer that I was a girl. That settled, we went back to talking about his toys and his new room.

I think it helped a lot that when I was growing up I never over-compensated for my feminine leanings. I always leaned toward silk shirts with a colorful palette, was never really into sports, sported long hair, etc. I was always quick to defend cultural diversity and alternative lifestyles and one of the results is that I cultivated friendships with fairly relaxed, open-minded people. I was also touched that so many people wanted to know how my wife was doing. Their concern for her well-being and happiness showed some insight into the simple fact that it's much easier to support and befriend a transgendered individual than it is to figure out how to make a relationship with one work.

[Virginia]

Thanks, Hon,
I am really enjoying your sharing with us!

Love,

Virginia